Small Doses

by Amanda Seales

  The beauty of perfection is that you can determine what it looks like for you. It doesn’t have to mean that everything is exactly the way it was “supposed to be.” Sometimes, perfection means you got your Legolas on and deftly managed all the slings and arrows that were attempting to derail the process. Other times, perfection means you handled your sole tasks up to snuff. Whatever you determine “perfect” to mean, the goal is to not let the pursuit of it dampen your diligence or your joy! Too often, as perfectionists, the hits are overshadowed by the misses, no matter how few. You’re left feeling like you fell short and in creating that situation you don’t give yourself the much-deserved acknowledgment of even making the attempt. Now, of course, participation ribbons aren’t the goal, but you still gotta give yourself a star for getting in the game when a lot of folks are perfectly happy to sit on the sidelines.

  As the great Jedi master Yoda once said, “DO or do not. There is no try.” The best you can do to achieve perfection and overachievement is simply give it your all. Specifically YOUR all. You can’t base that on anyone else or any metric other than that which you set for yourself. Be honest with yourself. You know when you’re slacking. You know when you’re not dialed in. But you also know when you did the damn thing and handled business. Make the adjustments and you make a way. Then treat yo’self! ’Cause you have more to do, and you’ll need to ride that wave of winning, no matter how small the swell, in order to do it!

  Mrs. Daly and the B+

  THAT ONE TIME

  I was not the kid that needed an incentive to get good grades. I wanted good grades because I wanted to be my best. I wanted to be my best because it felt good to achieve. It was never about feeling validated. It was never attached to self-esteem or a sense of belonging. I simply worked hard and enjoyed the results of what that earned. Most of my teachers appreciated this about me. You remember that annoying girl in your class who asked for extra credit? That was me. Remember that chick who saw you cheating and moved her paper? Also, me. I did the damn work, why do you get to slide by on my coattails. Nah, b. Remember that one girl in the class who always raised her hand and always knew the answer?? Me and also me. I was your friendly neighborhood Hermione and I was not effin’ around. So, one day while doing research in the library (a place people would go to acquire books, and in our case to find published critiques on classic and contemporary literature. Then came Google . . .) we were asked to do a simple assignment of writing down our various sources on index cards using MLA format, a specific type of layout used to record a reference for a research paper. No sweat. I combed through my MLA format guide and recorded each source precisely as instructed. At the end of the class we each had to bring our cards to Mrs. Daly, the teacher of our gifted-level English class, for inspection and a grade.

  Mrs. Daly was nice enough, I guess. She was a slight woman with a twanged Southern accent, and she took her job very seriously. One time she accused me of stealing the questions to an open-book test. Yes, you read that correctly. Her theory was that I completed my test in fifth period, then surreptitiously kept the questions, to the open book test, so that I could let my friend Julia review them during lunch so she’d have a heads up when she took the open book test in sixth period. WHAT KINDA DUMB SHIT IS THAT, Y’ALL!? Not only did she run this up the flagpole to the administrators, my friend was strip-searched to find said questions and even after I came to Mrs. Daly’s classroom and explained that in the rush at the bell I had accidentally put the questions in my folder when gathering my things, this woman went BACK to the administrators and had them call me back in, at which point my mom said, “Ok now I gotta come up there and have a word with folks.” Y’all, I wish you had been in that office when I said it was an open book test. Allem deans who had gathered to bust the test-question-taker case wide open had to pick their faces up off the ground. Yea, lil Mrs. Daly left that caveat out when she started this First 48–style investigation. SMH. My point is, she was a solid teacher but her decisions regarding students, in my experience, didn’t always line up with logic/rationale.

  So, imagine my frustration when I approach to have the rather mundane exchange of giving her my index cards and receiving my grade and instead I’m met with, “These are great Amanda. Perfect. But I’m giving you a B+.” You know that SpongeBob meme where Patrick’s world is swirling around him and he’s tryna brace himself? Yea, that was me, in my platform Sketchers, choker, and skirt from Wet Seal. LADY WHAT?! Y’all, Mrs. Daly stood firm. “I’ve decided to give you a B+, because even though you did the assignment flawlessly I don’t want you to become obsessed with perfection. I’ve heard of students like you, with type-A personalities, going to college and killing themselves over this so I want to nip it in the bud now.” For some reason this educator thought giving me an incorrect grade for correct work would somehow help me to be less of a perfectionist. She went on, “You don’t want to become too much of a perfectionist.” The thing about it was, there is a difference between being a perfectionist and simply having done the work. What she failed to understand was that me wanting and enjoying credit for work I’ve done flawlessly is not the same as being dejected when I am unable to complete something flawlessly! My lil 4'8" flat-chested self was livid up in that library, and there was nothing I could do. She refused to give me the grade I’d earned. I, in turn, refused to let her disrupt my continued quest to excellence, and completed another set of source cards, and demanded extra credit to balance out her wackass undeserved B+.

  There will always be folks who don’t understand your dedication, drive, and motivation. In their attempt to make it make sense, they may try to diminish, derail, and/or distract you. Even when it’s done with the best of intentions, know yourself. What Mrs. Daly proved was what so many young black women already know: I would have to work twice as hard and be twice as perfect to get the grade I deserved even when I did all the work perfect the first time. Shine on, y’all.

  SIDE EFFECTS OF

  Da Homies

  Friends, how many of us have them

  Friends, ones we can depend on

  A classic lyric but ain’t shit changed

  Family is by blood, but

  Friends are the family you claim.

  ARE YOU A GOOD FRIEND?

  No one is perfect. We’re all living our own lives and doing what we can to survive and, at best, thrive. That said, ask yourself, are you a good friend?

  • Do you check in?

  • Do you give encouragement?

  • Do you share?

  • Are you honest?

  • Are you reliable?

  • Are you fair?

  DATING FRIENDS

  They say marry your best friend, but it can be truly difficult to discern if you can date your best friend without it ruining your friendship. We like to think dating our friends would be ideal. After all, friends respect each other. Friends have shared interests. Friends are considerate. If you truly are friends and can keep those core principles, whether it works or not, your friendship will remain intact.

  “HE’S LIKE MY BROTHER!”

  So many people say platonic friendships aren’t possible between men and women, but I don’t agree. If either party isn’t interested in being in a romantic relationship with the other, they can absolutely have a purely platonic friendship. Even if they HAD a romantic relationship with each other, if they are both clear on the fact that it didn’t work out because that was not the best space for them, then there is no problem. Of course, boundaries should be respected when there is a significant other involved, but to expect someone to only have friends of the same gender is not only impractical, it reeks of insecurity.

  “WE JUST FUCK BUDDIES”

  I’m sure many would say that if you sleep together you’re more than friends. I don’t agree. It’s really and truly about what each person wants from the other person. Not all women want a relationship with the man they’re sleeping with. He may not actually be boyfriend material, but he’s Vagenda worthy!
We all have preferences and individual ideas about romance, love, etc. Therefore, it is no surprise that hella women can truly just like someone in their life for a specific purpose, in this case, as a friend who is respectful and considerate and can blow their back out without stress.

  BORROWING MONEY

  Most people don’t ask for money from friends for a bevy of reasons. I get it. It can feel demeaning. It can be uncomfortable. And it can create stress where there was none. HOWEVER, it’s your friend! They have ya back, right? They know you’re good for it! Bottom line, I don’t care who it is, when it comes to lending, get it in writing. Even if it’s just an email, write your agreement down. Set a delivery date for the return. PAY BACK ON TIME. I get it, shit happens, but if they don’t pay it back, you’re outta pocket.

  TO END OR NOT TO END

  There’s nothing easy about walking away from friendships. Perhaps the most difficult part is deciding when it’s truly time.

  • Growing Apart: Sometimes two plants in the same pot grow at different rates under the same sunlight, and next thing you know they can’t share the space anymore. This happens all the time with friendships. It isn’t beef. It isn’t shade. It’s just different beyond repair.

  • Why Are You Friends?: We often find ourselves staying in relationships out of habit and not out of joy. Incompatibility is a real thing, and one that lets you know when it’s time to reevaluate someone’s access to your space.

  • Is It Toxic?: Just because you call someone your friend doesn’t mean they are acting in a way that meets your standard of equitable exchange. No one should willingly continue to accept negativity residing in their circle.

  EXTINCTION-LEVEL EVENT

  There are certain scenarios that seem to be regular sites for friend blowups. They are high pressure, high anxiety, high everything, and the shift in energy can create a rift that is so powerful it completely destabilizes the world you’ve both built. Before you know it you’re standing on the rubble of a friendship that once was. I call those Extinction-Level Events. Below are some common ELEs and ideas on how to manage them:

  POSSIBLE Extinction-Level Event:

  • WEDDINGS: People get insane at weddings and legit forget who anyone is.

  Do your best to be supportive through the day of chaos and not take anything personally. After all, you’d want the same on your day!

  • DEATH: Grief can do a lot to folks, including shift their view of their circle.

  Everyone deals with grief differently, but if you can be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to hear, and rock in a time of unrootedness, you’ve been there for your friend the best way you can.

  • RELATIONSHIPS: Some people get a significant other and FORGET they had friends.

  The honeymoon phase is expected, but after that a compassionate and honest conversation is a fair move in terms of making sure your new boo understands the importance of your friendships.

  • FAME: The height of celebrity can truly make people lose touch with their real life.

  Never become the “yes man.” In a blinding sea of adoring fans, often the unwavering light of true friendship can eventually guide a lost one home.

  • WEALTH: When you think about $ all day it’s difficult to care about anyone.

  They say money lets people be who they really are.

  FRIENDS TO KEEP/TO DROP

  I always say every woman should have in their friend group: an OBGYN, a lawyer, and a dude who’s in love with you and has nothing to lose. Lol.

  The fact is your circle plays a great role in how you move through the world. Though some folks are in your life out of habit, some out of necessity, and some out of love, it is helpful to truly know where they fall on the friend scale and if they’re still filling the correct compartment in your consciousness.

  • The Cheerleader: Not to be confused with a “yes man,” the cheerleader is always rooting for you and hella verbal about reminding you of your strengths. They’re not a cockeyed optimist, they’re just vested in you being your best and never tire of reminding you—clear eyes, full heart, can’t lose!

  • The Truth-Teller: Every space needs someone to keep it real, and your friend group is no different. Sometimes they can be harsh, but if the intention is about growth, take it for what it is. If you’re the truth-teller friend in your group try asking “permission to be honest” before dropping that truth bomb. After all, the truth is typically only helpful when someone is willing to receive it.

  • The Healer: This friend always seems to knows the words you need to get up and over whatever BS you’re in. Maybe they’re hella zen and willingly share their calming crystal energy with you. Maybe they’re hella spiritual and can always show you a bigger reason for your slight that gives you piece of mind. Or maybe they’ve got jokes and can always find the funny in the fuckery. Whatever their style, they have a central line to your spirit and can give you a friendly nudge back on to your square.

  • Hi Hater: This friend never truly is happy for you. There is always an air of jealousy, and it comes out in sprinkles of shaderade that individually don’t seem imposing but when you add them up reveal someone who is insecure in themselves and is chipping away at you little by little to fill in the space of their own void.

  • Negative Nancy: This friend always points out the negative in every damn situation. It could be Harlem on a Sunday with a park full of black bodies movin’ and groovin’ to soulful house music living their best lives, and this friend will cross the field just to complain to you about how hot it is. Not saying you gotta drop ’em completely, but having a mood killer around is never fun.

  • “Niggas/Bitches ain’t shit!”: You know this friend. You’re tryna find love and their response is always to shit on any prospect. They never have any suggestions or solutions. They’re above reproach. They’re bitter, and in their inability to objectively look at the situation they’ll only hold you back from finding the love you seek.

  GEM DROPPIN’

  Friend vs. Associate

  “FRIENDS, HOW MANY OF US HAVE THEM? Friends, ones you can depend on . . .” Old school MCs Whodini been asking that since they were rocking full leather suits in the ’80s, and ain’t nothing changed. The circle of people around you is hella influential to how you move, how you live, and how you manage this unrelenting and unpredictable thang called LIFE. You keep shade around you, you’re always gonna be in the dark. You keep light around you, you’ll always find your way out of the woods. The digital age may have widened the net on who could be your friend, but it doesn’t change the realities of what truly makes a friend. Though no one wants to be lonely or feel like they don’t have a support squad, knowing how to properly recognize who is squad worthy, and who should stay on the outer rim, is key to keeping your circle on point and your energy preserved.

  First and foremost, just because someone is always around, or because they go to the club with you on Fridays, or show up to your house parties, doesn’t make them your friend. The true standard of a friend is someone you have a genuine connection with and an admiration for. I keep it this general because, as with anything, there are levels to friendship. Some friends are specific to one area. Maybe they’re your workout friend. Y’all keep each other company on your quest to wellness. Or perhaps they’re your work friend and y’all kee-kee and keep each other sane through the work day. Or maybe they’re your good friend and cover a myriad of bases and are the family you choose. Whatever space they fall in, in order to possess the title of friend vs. homie, associate, or acquaintance, they have to be someone who has your back, who you can rely on, and who shares with you the same fundamental ethics about how to treat people. They also give you constructive criticism, support you when needed, and provide an equitable emotional exchange. They’re in your world, in a real way, and you’re in theirs. It’s an actual relationship. As we all know, relationships have ups and downs and twists and turns and conflicts and harmony. Friends ride these inevitable waves and land back on the beach to
bask in the sun and continue the kee-kee.

  It is foolish to think that you and your friends will agree on everything, or do everything together, or last forever. People have differences. People have their own lives. People grow apart. Your idea of friendship will morph and evolve based on where you are in life and your experiences. You never know who you’re going to connect with and why, but having friends from different walks of life only increases your consciousness of the world and yourself. Often people are afraid or unsure of whether or not they can truly connect with someone because of their differences in everything from age, race, politics, Marvel vs. DC, but even between the most random of individuals, humanity is the equalizer. That said, friendship is a cherished exchange that should not be taken lightly. Along with the fun times and phone calls comes the expectation that this is someone you regard with esteem and on a higher tier than any regular ol’ Joe on the street. You show up for your friends but don’t hold it over their head. You can lean on your friends but don’t expect them to carry you. You ride for your friends but don’t let ’em take you down the wrong road. You turn up together. You show out together. They’re there to rub your back when shit goes left and to check you when you’re not doing right. True friends exponentially improve your formula for life.