Love Me Back to Life

by HMD

  “Have you told the young lady this?” I shake my head. A small smile plays at her lips and she looks as though she’s in thought for a moment before she drops her gaze back to me. “Life is short Emma. You of all people should know that. Sometimes the things that don’t make sense can be the best things for us. It’s better to tell people how you feel about them while you have the chance, you never know if you’ll get to do it again,” I narrow my eyes. I don’t know why I feel like there is some sort of sub text behind her statement.

  “I don’t…” I pause shaking my head.

  She cuts in before I can continue. “While you have the chance Emma,” She nods, placing a hand on my shoulder.

  “Mrs. Diaz?” I say in an almost pleading tone. I feel like she’s trying to tell me something right now.

  She closes her eyes for a moment, sighing as she opens them back up. “Emma,” She says my name in a way that sends shivers down my spine. I feel like she’s about to tell me the biggest secret anyone has ever told me. The soft smile that was on her lips disappears. “I never told you this because I knew that you were already going through so much with losing them and your mom told me that you blamed yourself and—“

  “Maria, please,” I beg her to stop beating around the bush. I need to know whatever she’s about to say and I need to know it now. The look on her face tells me that she knows what I’m asking.

  “McKenzie cared for you, Emma,” The soft smile reappears, as I stare at her intently.

  “I know, and I cared—‘

  “No,” Maria stops me, shaking her head. “She felt more for you than just a friendship love for you,” She says a little slower making sure I get it.

  “No,” I shake my head. This can’t be right. McKenzie would have…. “She would have said something.”

  “She wanted to,” Maria nods. “She was going to.”

  I stand up from the couch, continuing to shake my head. “No.”

  “I wasn’t going to tell you mija, but I thought you deserved to know. I wasn’t trying to—“

  “No,” I drop back to the couch. The realization that everything Maria is saying right now makes sense.

  Is this why she didn’t know what to say to George at the party?

  “Before she went into surgery she told me—“

  “Don’t—” I beg Maria not to say what I know she’s about to say.

  “She told me that at the party she called to you and you kept walking. She said—”

  “No,” I cut her off again. No and don’t are apparently the only two words in my vocabulary at the moment.

  “She said that she was going to tell you then, she was gonna tell you that she didn’t like George, she couldn’t like him because she was in love with you.”

  Suddenly I'm finding it hard to breathe. I can’t form coherent thoughts, let alone figure out something to say to Maria right now.

  “Emma, she was always in love with you. She told me years ago.”

  “She never… I didn’t… she…” See, nothing.

  “I’m not trying to peel off old scabs Emma, I’m just trying to show you that life is short and sometimes you just have to dive in head first even if you’re not entirely sure how deep the water is,” My brain is too fried right now to even try to understand exactly what Maria is trying to tell me.

  “I need to go,” I stand up quickly from the couch. I can’t be here. Not in this house. There are just too many memories.

  “Emma I--”

  “It was really good to see you, Maria,” I hug her quickly and head towards the door before she can protest any further.

  I just need to go. This isn’t exactly how I expected to leave things with Maria. I guess I expected some sort of closure, instead I got new wounds.

  “How’d it go?” Grace asks as I make my way to the car. Usually the smile she’s sporting right now would be contagious, but I can’t smile right now. I can’t smile at her… at anyone. I was wrong. I was stupid.

  The person I heard shout my name that night was McKenzie. She was shouting to tell me to wait… to wait because she felt the same way as me. She didn’t love him, she loved me. But I left. I let my anger and jealousy, cloud my judgment and I my friends were killed because of it.

  “I need to get home,” I tell her simply in a monotone voice.

  “Emma is everything okay?” She asks confusion evident in her tone. No Grace… right now nothing is okay.

  “I forgot I had something to do later, that’s all,” I try to keep my face as neutral as possible because all I wanna do right now is curl up in a ball and die. Here I am doing this thing with Grace… falling for her while all along McKenzie actually.

  I shake the thoughts from my head.

  “Emma did you want to talk about what—“

  “No,” I cut her off, cranking up the car. “I’m just gonna take you home,” I turn to look at her. My heart almost breaks in two. I know that my behavior right now is a bit erratic but so are my thoughts and feelings at the moment. “Did you want me to take you somewhere else?” I question.

  “No,” She shakes her head. “Home is good,” She turns forward in her seat, buckling her seat belt.

  I feel bad because I know that I’ve probably hurt her feelings. She doesn’t know what McKenzie’s mom said to me in there. She has no clue what’s going on in my head and I feel like she’s been so amazing that she deserves an explanation. Maybe I’ll give her one… but it can’t be now, no now I have somewhere to be. I put the car in drive and head towards Grace’s.

  –

  It didn’t take me long to get here after dropping Grace off, even though this is almost on the other side of town. I shake the thoughts of Grace out of my head as I make my way up the trail. My heart aches with each step. I balance myself on a tree momentarily, trying to slow down my breathing. This isn’t how it was supposed to be. But then again, nothing really is.

  After regaining my composure I continue back on my path, stomping up the trail now.

  I’m mad.

  No I’m pissed. I’m pissed at myself and “Pissed at you!” I shout once I reach our spot. “Why didn’t you tell me? You could have just told me McKenzie. Why didn’t you tell me?!” I shout as I feel a stinging in my eyes and a pang in my chest.

  “What were you afraid of?! I loved you too!” I shake my head as the tears fall freely now. “I loved you so much!” I add, falling on my knees. “I loved you and I was afraid that you didn’t feel the same way so I never told you. I was a coward and now you’re gone. You’re gone and I can’t tell you. I can’t tell you how mad I am at you for being a coward too! You were supposed to be the strong one, the fearless one! But no! You were a coward just like me!” I drop my head into my hands as I sob freely. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I whisper as I feel a hand on my back. I jump, looking to see who it is.

  “Sorry,” Grace holds her hands up.

  “Grace! What are you doing here?!” I question, picking myself up from the ground, wiping away the fallen tears. “Did you follow me?” I ask a bit more abrasive than intended.

  “No,” She shakes her head, not taking offense to the tone of my voice. “I promise I didn’t. I figured you were coming here,” She shrugs. “I wasn’t trying to—“

  “Did you hear any of that?” I straighten out my clothes, using my shirt to clean my face.

  “Bad habit,” She says pointing to my shirt. “I heard a little.” She nods stepping back a little as she fiddles with her hands. “I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop it’s just you were shouting and I came up here to make sure you were okay, but I didn’t mean to like listen to anything or be in your business I honestly just wanted to—“

  “It doesn’t matter anyways,” I pop my shoulders up once, sitting down on a boulder. If I didn’t cut her off she would have rambled forever.

  “What do you mean?” She comes and sits on a nearby boulder.

  “She’s gone,” I start, feeling the tears building again. Gosh! I’m so sick of crying.
>
  “Yeah but that doesn’t mean she isn’t listening,” I sigh as another wave of tears fall.

  Please God, just stop this.

  “You’re angry with her?” I turn to look at her, nodding. “Why?” She curls up Indian style on a boulder, waiting for my reply.

  I shrug, avoiding her gaze as I wipe my face. No matter how much I wipe, the tears continue to fall. “For leaving me,” I finally get out.

  “I understand.” She nods. “I was mad at James for months. But then I realized that being mad at him wouldn’t bring him back. Nothing would. I had to move past it. To forgive him for going and understand that maybe just maybe, that better place that people speak of does exist and he’s there… surfing an endless wave, watching over me,” A small smile appears at her lips and I fight the urge to cry even harder.

  No matter what this girl has been through she always seems to find the right words.

  “You have to forgive her. It’s the only way you can start to move forward.” Grace stands up from her boulder, walking over to me and kneeling down in front of me. “Tell her that you forgive her,” She says grabbing my hands. I try halfheartedly to pull them away because I know another wave of tears will come soon and I'll need my hands to wipe them away.

  “But I don’t,” I shake my head. Cause right now, with this new information I’m still pissed at her.

  “Then tell her that. Tell her that so you can move towards forgiveness.”

  I shake my head, closing my eyes. I don’t know if I’m ready for this. “I can’t” I say weakly.

  “You can.” She nods, releasing one of my hands to lift my face to look at her. “You can do this, Emma.”

  I inhale sharply and try to calm myself. I need to stop crying. I need to slow down my breathing to calm my racing heart.

  I stand up from my boulder with Grace’s help. I wipe the tears away, pulling together the courage to say what needs to be said. I know that I can’t move forward until I face this. I was already having trouble before and now that Maria has put all this new information in my head I’m in some sort of information overload. I need to get it all out.

  “I’m so mad at you,” I say softly to the wind as Grace takes a step back to give me some space. “You left me. You left me to be here without you. Both of you!” I shout, including George in this conversation because even though everything I’m feeling right now is based on the bombshell Maria just dropped on me, I’m mad at him too.

  “Did you ever think of how I wouldn’t be able to live without the both of you? Your parents? You were so incredibly stupid!” I drop my head, choosing my next words carefully.

  “You should have just told me how you felt. Maybe if you did both of you would still be here. How could you not know I was in love with you McKenzie? How easy it was to love you,” I see Grace from the corner of my eye as she drops her head, trying not to hear this part.

  “I loved you from the moment I met you,” I say softly, smiling a little at the memory of first meeting her. “But you’re gone and I don’t get to tell you. You’ll never know and I think that’s what’s killing me the most; that you’ll never fully grasp how much I loved you,” I sit down on the ground, releasing a sigh. I close my eyes forcing myself to say the next words.

  “I forgive you. I forgive both of you,” I can hear Grace making her way over to me as the twigs crackle under her feet. She wordlessly sits down next to me, offering her presence as a comforting gesture. “I forgive you,” I tell them again but mostly I’m telling myself. I’m trying to get it in my head that I have to forgive them, it’s the only way.

  “They know,” Grace whispers quietly next to me. I open my eyes and turn to look at her, staring into her blue ones.

  Where did this girl come from?

  Who put her here?

  I allow my eyes to flutter shut again as I lay a head on her shoulder.

  “I know,” I whisper just as softly. “I can feel it.”

  Chapter 11- Heaven Sent

  As the night air cools my skin, I take a deep breath trying to forget it all. Everything my eyes just witnessed. As I release a puff of air I kick the dirt underneath my feet.

  “Dammit!” I shout to no one in particular.

  Why’d George have to choose today to proclaim his love to her?! I can’t be mad at him. He was able to do something that I couldn’t. Still though, telling McKenzie you have feelings for her in that state...she deserves better than that. I can give her better than a drunken confession; I think as I stand in the driveway contemplating my next move.

  I can’t go back there. The air in there compared to out here is suffocating.

  Plus George probably has his tongue down McKenzie’s throat. That’s what usually happens, I’ve seen it in all the teen movies; you confess your feelings to the girl you love you end up having a disgusting make out session.

  Don’t get me wrong a make out session with McKenzie wouldn’t be disgusting it’s everyone else doing it and most especially George with her that’s nauseating. I grit my teeth as I fight off the anger I feel towards my male best friend. I just want to leave. I barely had anything to drink but I rode here with McKenzie and George in George’s car.

  I stalk down the walkway towards the sidewalk. I live quite a distance from here but the walk sounds like the best way for me to calm down. Plus it’ll keep me unreachable as I figure out how to react to my friends and their new status. I’m going to have to figure out how to be around them when they start acting more like a couple than my best friends.

  I groan as the reality of the situation becomes more inevitable. As I walk down the brightly lit sidewalks, I imagine how they’ll be close and I’ll be off to the side. I can’t help the feeling of misery that sweeps over me.

  I’ve loved McKenzie for as long as I can remember. Practically the day we met I knew she would be trouble; trouble for me and trouble for my heart.

  My heart pangs with every step that I take. This has to be the worst feeling I’ve ever felt. Betrayed, disappointed, heartbroken and most of all defeated. I can’t even talk to either of them about how I’m feeling, advice on how to get over this or how to steal McKenzie away from her new beau.

  I drag my feet, scraping of the bottom of my shoes; the sounds are what I imagine the shredding of my heart to sound like. I can’t get over this feeling and I don’t know if I ever will. Everything is going to change and there’s nothing I can do about it.

  I’m halfway home and my phone buzzes. I’m sure it’s George trying to tell me the great news but I’m not in the mood to hear it. I ignore the call and just keep walking.

  I think how I’m going to face them the next day or if I’m even going to see them.

  Will they be too busy with each other and forget all about me?

  How would I want George to be if it were the other way around?

  I run my fingers through my hair and grip the roots wanting to pull my hair out in frustration. It’s supposed to be me!

  My phone goes off a second time but I ignore it again. I really can’t handle any form of great news when it comes to those two and I know George will go into detail about everything. That’s just the kind of guy that he is. When you’re not around he will make you feel as if you were there to witness it yourself. Yeah… no thanks.

  I try to still my mind of all the possible scenarios and I am interrupted again by my phone. They’re being so persistent so I pull my phone from my pocket and go to turn it off when I notice the name on the missed calls. Before I can call back the phone rings again. I answer quickly and am met with the cries and a forced statement.

  “Mrs. Diaz what’s going on?” My heart is racing. I don’t know what’s happening, hopefully she doesn’t have bad news about Mr. Diaz and she wants me to deliver the news to McKenzie. I will if I have to but I never want her to associate me with bad news. At least she’ll have George to hold her if this is the case.

  “There’s been an accident,” She tells me through her sobs.

 
; My heart drops. I’m trying not to piece the situation together. Hoping the possibility is as outrageous as it sounds. I pick up my pace not really sure where I’m rushing to. I turn the corner at the end of the block and am met with headlights of a car driving down the street. I close my eyes at the severity of the brightness, the alarm of the lights cause me to stop in the middle of the sidewalk.

  The cries of McKenzie’s mom are still in my ear as I hold the phone.

  “Mija, you have to come quick. There’s not much time,” Her sobs garble her words but her words cut through me like ice. I don’t want her to repeat herself. I can’t handle her repeating herself.

  –

  I squint at the streams of light coming through my blinds. I press my eyes as I wipe the sweat that streamed down from my forehead. I always sweat when I relive this memory through my nightmares. A nightmare that was more real than I’d care to remember.

  Seems my psyche doesn’t care so much about my emotional strength, you’d think one body one goal but yeah, no, heart and mind aren’t sound when it comes to McKenzie.

  I sit up and rest my back against the headboard. My head pounds with all the information and the emotional hurdles I’ve jumped through and still have to go through.

  I look at my phone and notice that it’s still really early in the morning. My body feels heavy and I know what I have to do.

  I roll out of bed and grab a change of clothes. I wash up real quick, splashing some water on my face. I move to quickly to run into my mother. I hear her rummaging through the kitchen and I just don’t have the energy to get through a conversation with her. I quietly close the door behind me and start a fast walk as a warm up.

  I think about the memory, my nightmare, and Maria’s reveal of McKenzie’s feelings for me. So many things to conquer in my mind and the front runner does not surprise me. I think of Grace. Think of how she knew where to come, what to say, how to say it. I think about what she’s been to me and I wonder why she has. I don’t know why I met her now at this point in my life but I do know that I wouldn’t have made it as far as I have if it weren’t for her.