Love Me Back to Life

by HMD

  Chapter 25 – You Promised

  Grace's POV

  I mark another X in my calendar. I stare at the month of September. Every day of the first two weeks have red X’s. I drop the pen on my desk and fall back onto my bed. It’s been seventy two days since Emma’s left. Seventy two days of restless nights. I’ve gotten so used to sleeping next to her it’s like I’m in a different time zone when she’s not here. I don’t sleep properly and when I do it’s not for very long. I write her every day and she kept up pretty well while she was stationed in Georgia but since she’s gotten deployed her letters haven’t been as frequent.

  I sigh as I loll my head to the other side. I’m staring at my upside down notebooks. There’s fifteen stacked high on my night stand. They’re all full. I have never written this much in... ever. Not even when I lost James. I swallow the lump in my throat as I think about him. I feel like I’m reverting back to my old ways before I met Emma and I know she isn’t gone forever but all the stuff I’ve been watching in the news has me feeling like I could lose her at any moment.

  That reminds me. I push myself off my bed and quickly rush down the stairs. I hop over the back of the couch landing swiftly on the cushions. I reach for the remote and turn on the television. It’s on the exact channel I’ve left it on.

  Doc comes traipsing in and he hops onto the sofa next to me. I bury my fingers into his fur. It’s mildly cathartic for me. This and making sure nothing happens to Emma. CNN isn’t saying anything, so no news is good news, right? I hit up MSNBC next and the news never has anything serious to say but I listen anyway. I put the volume up and grab my phone and scroll through the newsstand app I have on my phone. Just making sure I don’t miss anything. I hear a throat clearing and I freeze mid-scroll.

  “I thought we talked about this.”

  I slowly turned around and see my father. I force a cheeky smile, but he knows it’s fake. I rarely give real ones these days.

  “Hey dad, you’re home early.” His brow rises as he focuses his stern gaze on me. I roll my eyes.

  “Dad I’m just…”

  “Grace this isn’t healthy. I know you miss her…”

  “It’s not just that dad!” I’m caught off by the force in my voice. No one is getting it! I’m just making sure she’s okay and that she's safe. It’s not healthy but it’s helping.

  He comes further into the living room and turns off the television.

  “You staring at the news is like you’re expecting something bad to happen to her.”

  I look down and I notice my dog looking at me with his warm eyes. I don’t have anything to say. I don’t want anything bad to happen to her obviously. I love her so much. I just want her to be okay, I need to know she’s okay.

  “You need to get out of this house right now. When’s the last time you went outside?” He asks me.

  I don’t really want to tell the truth. When I got letters every day from Emma I made sure to see all the people I’ve met through her. The Williams have had me over just to catch up several times, so have the Diaz's. My parents and Emma’s parents have had weekly dinners so I see the Daniels then. I would sneak up to her room and lie in her bed. Inhale her scent, try my best to feel her as if she were right next to me. I’m going to sound uber creepy and say I’ve taken a few of her plain shirts. I’ve worn them because I feel closer to her. Good God I need help.

  “When Grace?”

  I sigh and avoid the question because it’s been eight days since I’ve really left the house. I don’t mean to, I’ve just been preoccupied with thinking about Emma, watching news and writing.

  “Dad I leave the house once a day.” I say honestly because I do.

  I still visit my spot with James, but that’s during when no one is in the street. So I don’t really interact with anyone. Also I spend the entire time talking to James about how much I miss Emma.

  “Besides going to the beach.” He rebuttals knowingly. I’m saved by the doorbell and he smiles.

  Oh no.

  He walks out the room to answer the door. I’m in trouble.

  “Doc, hide me.” He gets up and jumps down on the ground. I go on all fours. I keep up with his slow pace as he walks out of the living room and towards the stairs. His body is massive so he’s a great cover.

  “You better not even play that shit with me. Sorry Mr. Cassidy.” She apologizes and I curse under my breath. I groan as I stand up and pat my very loyal dog against his ribs. He stays by my side.

  “Hey Tamara, long time no see.” I close my eyes as I berate myself for the choice of words.

  “Damn straight! It’s all your damn fault too. I’m sorry, again, Mr. Cassidy.” She apologizes for her choice words and he just chuckles squeezing her shoulder gently.

  “Just get her out of here.” He orders. “Thanks for coming by.”

  I glare at him as he passes me. Betrayer. I shake my head and he places a kiss on my cheek.

  “Judas.” I mutter angrily and he laughs.

  Nothing here is funny. I glare at my father as he disappears upstairs. I’m trying to burn holes into his back. I watch him until he’s gone and turn my gaze back to Tamara. I sigh and throw my hands up in the air.

  “Tamara I’m not really in the mood…”

  “I don’t give a damn.” She tells me with a bit of attitude. I walk to the front of the sofa and grab the remote again turning the news back on. Doc diligently drops himself by my feet. His company is a comfort. That, and watching the news even though my father has ordered me to leave the house. What dad doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

  Tamara stands in front of my television and I growl a bit. She just crosses her arms over her chest and pops her hip out.

  “Tammy, I'm pretty sure your parents aren’t glass makers.” I tell her as I fall further back into the couch.

  I’m standing my ground…or sitting, whichever you prefer. I just don’t want to deal with anybody. I mean I know it’s been some time since she’s left but I’m still transitioning. Tamara walks away from the television and joins me on the couch. My eyes are glued to the news, when I’m satisfied with the lack of reports on the goings-on I change the channel to another news station. Tamara is staring at me, I don’t need to look at her to know this. I feel her eyes on me.

  “Please stop staring at me.” I request while I flip through channels.

  I don’t know how but she manages to stare harder. I try my best to ignore her and I feel like I’m succeeding until she speaks.

  “I know you’re going through a tough time and I don’t want to push you but you need to be pushed.”

  Damn her for being a good friend and caring. I groan and stand up reluctantly flipping the television off.

  “Lead the way.” I say through a grumble and she squeals with excitement grabbing my hand.

  I take a last look at Doc and he whimpers his sympathy for me. I silently agree with my pet as I allow my best friend to drag me out of my house, then to her car. I would protest to her dragging me the entire way but we both knew that as soon as she let’s go, I’d bolt back into the house.

  “So where to?” My best friend asks me as she puts her car into gear.

  I sigh heavily. “Take me to Afghanistan,” I say seriously.

  “Pretty sure I don’t have enough gas to get you there. Even if I did I know I would endure the wrath that Emma subtly showed me.”

  I glance at my best friend and she grips the steering wheel. My brows furrow in confusion.

  “I’m only going to say this once and you better not dare repeat it.” I smirk a bit waiting to hear what I already know. “Emma scares me.” She says in a rushed breath. I snort and she glares at me.

  “No, no, no you can’t scare me with those eyes, my girlfriend will just beat you up!” I say in excitement. She hits me and I’m quickly quiet. “That hurt.”

  “Don’t repeat those words.” She says and I zip my mouth shut.

  I’m still telling Emma. I smirk as I look out the window, I’m
not entirely sure what Tamara has planned for me, but I know she means well. I don’t really want to be going anywhere and she doesn’t get the reaction that she’s expecting. Maybe I’m being unfair. Emma’s not here that’s true but it’s not the end of the world…right? Then why does life feel so much emptier without her here. I contemplate that thought as Tamara talks about something random and I know right now I’m an awful best friend. I try to give her at least some of my attention because she’s going out of her way to be there for me. The least I can do is show her I appreciate it.

  Tamara manages to keep me out the entire day. Once I stopped moping it wasn’t half bad. She made sure I did normal things like eat, go to the movies, and a little bit of shopping. I bought another notebook, I’m running low on pages. It helped a bit, I wasn’t filled with worry but my mind was still on Emma. I still thought about how much I miss her, or how good she felt next to me.

  I sigh as I step out of her car. “Thanks for today Tammy, it really did help.” She smiles and points at me. I roll my eyes as I notice her stare doesn’t waiver.

  “I will not mention you being scared of Emma.” I back away from the car and watch as she drives away.

  I enter the house and find my parents enjoying each other’s company as they clean up their dishes, from what I’m assuming was dinner. I place my things on the counter and look at my father.

  “Well, well, well look who managed to be outside for more than an hour and is able to live to tell the tale.”

  “Listen here old man…” I start, trying my best to sound serious but my mother’s snort throws me off.

  I place a hand on the counter and point a threatening finger at him. He tries to look at me with a hard gaze but cracks and ends up laughing along with his wife. I never could pull off the tough act. I walk around the island and give my father a hug.

  “Thanks dad.” I say softly.

  Even though I rather just sleep every day away until Emma gets back I know it’s not possible. I tell my parents my goodnight, informing them I’m going to call it an early night.

  I head back to my room, look at the calendar, and cross tomorrow’s day with an X. It’s not here yet but I’m ready for it to be over. I fall back against my pillows and look at my promise ring. I know she’ll keep her word. She always has and I know that she’d fight anything rather than let me down. I’d do the same for her. I snuggle into my pillow and stare at the ring. I close my eyes and all I see is her smile.

  –

  I rub my eyes as I wake up to hit my alarm. I hit the switch on my bedside lamp and let my vision adjust to the light. I’ve been doing better at getting up in the morning. I pull my covers off of me and head straight for my calendar. It’s the most exciting time and yet depressing time for me. I get to flip to a new month. It’s a bittersweet feeling, getting rid of an old month and starting a new one. I’ve managed to make through September and here comes October in all its glory.

  I glance over September and all the red Xs that are in each box. I graze my fingers over a particular date. The twenty-seventh. I sigh as I remember my conversation with Emma over Face-Time. We got to talk for forty minutes, that’s a record. She tries her best to talk to me as much, and as long as possible. I admire her effort. I’m sure it can’t be easy. The connection wasn’t the greatest given her location but it’s better than nothing.

  I throw my hair up in a ponytail and quietly open my bedroom door. Doc follows me out and we head down the stairs. I grab my surf board on my way out the door and when I get to my car I properly load. Doc hops into the car and with him by my side, I back out of the driveway. The sun still not up as I drive through the dimly lit streets thinking about my girlfriend.

  It’s been four days since I’ve last seen her and I’m not sure when I will be able to again. Her smile, her laugh, the way she licks her lips after she talks for a long while. I smirk at the memory. My mind used to be filled with memories of James but now thoughts of Emma linger. It’s due to the anticipation of being able to see her again opposed to knowing that I never will. I’m ready for her to be back. I’m ready for her to stay. I reach the beach and gather up my things. Doc stays on shore obediently and watches me as I run into the water. I giggle as I think of Emma and her fear of the ocean as a child. Ever since her mother told me that story I think of it every time I step out here.

  I float in the water idly. The smell of the ocean is bringing me back to days with my brother. I quickly let my mind wander to Emma. I’ve been doing well with seeing everyone. I manage to get everyone in at least once a week. I set up schedule so that way I’m distracted enough but not too much where I’d miss a chance to talk with Emma, in case she does get to call again. I don’t want to be bombarded with people as quickly as they make the day go. Sometimes I just want to think about her and be allowed to be sad that she’s not here. Everyone keeps telling me not to be, that she’ll be back. I know she will, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss her.

  “I miss her so much James.”

  I see him paddle closer to me and smile.

  “I can see why you do, she’s a hottie.”

  “Right?” I ask with a laugh.

  “Totally get it…but you know…” I imagine him saying all this and I know already.

  “I know I have to be strong for everyone, that she didn’t just leave me and it’s better that I have them than be completely alone.”

  “See you don’t even need me to tell you. You already get it.”

  I sigh and kick up some water, “I hate that you know me so well sometimes.”

  “Meh you love me. Let’s catch this wave.” I see him nod behind me.

  I lie flat and start to paddle. I catch the wave and ride it well. Ride it the way he’s taught me. I let it carry me towards the shore and I'll let the love I have for her carry me the rest of the time that she’s not here. I can do this. We can do this. I grab my board and walk the shallow waters with a new determination.

  I won’t let the sadness in response to her absence get me down. She believes I’m strong when in reality she’s the reason I am that way. I haven’t been that strong since James, I got by but with her I’m living and I’m disrespecting her if I live my life any other way. She’ll be back and I’ve got to keep that in mind. She’ll always come back to me.

  –

  I finish jotting down the last word of my letter to Emma. I’ve reached the last day of the first week of October. That’s another week down. Only eleven more to go. It’s been two weeks since I’ve received my last letter from Emma. It’s hard not getting them every other day like I did when she first left. The distance is greater and I’m doing my best to remind myself of that. I’m keeping myself in check so I don’t get frustrated with her because it’s definitely not her fault.

  I sit in the back of the coffee shop I met her at the one morning she called me. The day we searched for her spot. I sit back and stare at the table we sat at. I replace the bodies that occupied the table with images of us. I smile as I see us idly chatting. I look away from the couple trying my best not to bring attention to myself. I break a piece of the blueberry muffin I purchased and reread the letter I wrote to her. I can’t help but wonder if she eats anything that reminds her of me. I nibble on my bottom lip as I flip over the page of my letter and ask her that very question. Satisfied with my letter, I gather up my things and leave the coffee shop, dropping the letter into the closest mailbox. I head home knowing for sure that the house will be empty. I still watch the news making sure not to hear anything that involves Emma’s unit. It’s easier to do without my parents telling me to stop torturing myself. It’s not torture though…it’s reassurance.

  –

  My mother knocks on the door and I can tell she’s excited. I think that it’s cute that both Emma and my parents have a friend within each other. It makes being together so much easier. Tyler opens the door and he’s getting so big. I know Emma is missing him like crazy and she hates that she's missing him grow up.

&n
bsp; “Grace!” I laugh as he crashes into my legs.

  I ruffle his hair, this year he doesn’t mind so much. He’s growing it out, the fuller it is the better. He grabs my hand and drags me off to show me a new game that he just got. I get lost in spending time with him and enjoy this little boy’s company. Emma’s not around but Tyler is definitely the next best thing.

  Dinner comes and goes leaving us all more than satisfied. Ryan is rubbing his stomach, his belly a lot fuller than when we started. I giggle as he groans happily from all the food. Tyler runs off to play a game and I’m left with the adults. Catherine brings out dessert and it’s my favorite. I wonder if she did that on purpose, not really caring though, as she cuts me a large piece of bread pudding. I’m trying not to bounce too much with excitement and though very full, I dig in.

  “Oh Grace I’ve got something for you.” Ryan states as he gets up.

  My mouth is too full to ask what and I watch as he gets up and disappears for a second. My spoon is still in my mouth and everyone is watching me. I feel like a fool right now. It’s probably more awkward to take the spoon out now.

  Emma’s father comes back and hands me folded up papers. I know right away what it is. I quickly remove the spoon from my mouth and unfold the pages.

  “They came in the same envelope as ours. Don’t worry we didn’t read it. We saw it was for you and closed it right back up.”

  “Thank you.” I say as my eyes quickly scan her handwriting. I feel my heart melt and I’m anxious to read.

  “You can take your dessert into the other room and read that now if you’d like.” Catherine tells me and I smile shyly. I stand up, grab my plate and my letters and walk out of the dining room. I park myself in the armchair in the den and take another bite of my dessert before I read.

  Dear Grace,

  I’m sorry that my letters are not as frequent as when I was back in the states. It’s harder here and I’m trying to get as many out to you as possible. So you’ll have your own set as well as some that I’ll send with my parents. I miss you so much, beautiful. You have no idea. I’ve received your letters, of course and it’s so nice to imagine your voice while I read them. I’m counting down the days. I see you every night in my dreams, and I think about you all day. I’m being safe, don’t worry. I hope you’re not still watching the news every second of the day. I promised you I’d be careful. I’m being super cautious, I’ve got a gorgeous girl to get back to…