Love Me Back to Life

by HMD

  I read all her letters at least twice. They were so comforting and made me feel so much better. This week has been one of the harder ones but I know that she’s thinking about me. Knowing I’m on her mind is making a huge difference. I take another bite of bread pudding and reread the letters for a third time.

  –

  I walk through the mall, flipping through the fresh set of pages that I had installed into the notebook Emma got me. I smile as I see blank pages and think about how soon I’ll be back to refill it. I hear someone call my name and I stop in my tracks to see Mrs. Williams. I giggle as she quickly scurries towards me.

  She pulls me into a big hug and I groan a little at the pressure and she pulls away quickly. A slew of apologies leave her mouth. I pat her arm.

  “It’s fine Mrs. Williams.”

  “How are you sweetie? It’s so nice to see you.”

  I laugh softly at her greeting. I saw her a few days ago but it’s nice to know that I leave such an impression to receive such a greeting. Although I’ve visited everyone at least once a week, it’s still nice whenever I see them out. I know visiting them often is something Emma would have done. I’m doing it as her proxy, until she can join me again that is.

  “It’s good to see you as well, what brings you to the mall?” She lifts her handful of bags and smile as she shakes her shoulders.

  “There was a sale and I needed to buy my husband some dress shirts. You?”

  I lift my notebook in air. “Refilling pages.” I answer and she just nods. “Are you free to grab some lunch, I was just about to get something?”

  “I’d love to!” She loops her arms with mine and we walk toward the food court.

  We grab some Korean BBQ and I’m quickly brought to Emma and I’s first “lunch date”. I don’t know where all that bravery came from in all the words I spoke to her. Especially, since I was a blubbering mess when I first met her. I listen attentively as Mrs. Williams tells me stories about Emma, George and McKenzie.

  I know they have no idea about the connection between my brother’s death and their kids. It’s best that way, that is something Emma and I decided to keep between ourselves. It’s not like revealing this bit of information will bring anyone back. I quickly forgave because life’s too short. Holding a grudge against people that weren’t even here to feel the wrath of it was a waste of time. Even if they were, I still wouldn’t. I don’t want to waste time being angry. If all the tragedy I was surrounded by has taught me anything, it’s to live life to the fullest.

  I laugh at myself because I spent so much time being sad that Emma isn’t here. However I am getting by and I know that when she comes back we’ll be stronger than ever. Distance truly does make the heart grow fonder, as cliché as that phrase is, it holds a lot of truth.

  I finish my lunch with Mrs. Williams and promise her that I will stop by her place again soon. She promises to give my best to her husband and with another tight hug we go our separate ways.

  –

  I don’t mean to come here but sometimes I feel a pull to a certain place and I can’t help but go there. Sometimes I go because Emma will mention missing them and even though I’m sure they know, I make it a point to deliver the message. I know that if I weren’t able to go and talk to James she’d make the trip for me.

  I move the branches, the sound of the creek fill my ears. I get to her spot and just take a seat. I open my notebook and start to write. From all the stories I’ve heard about her I imagine that McKenzie isn’t too fond of my presence here. I can imagine that she’s acting a little sassy to my being here.

  “I’m just here to let you know that she’s been thinking about you guys. I’m not trying to invade you guys’ spot. I promise.”

  Emma always mentioned that George was the friendlier one between the two of them. I can feel him thanking me. I just nod and finish writing my thought. I’ve been working on memoirs, sending out query letters to literary agents. The process is lengthy because I can go for a long time without hearing from anyone. It’s just another distraction from the amount of time I have left before my girlfriend comes home.

  My mind focuses on my ring finger and I smile because I can feel her again. I look up and imagine her. All the pictures I’ve seen of her whenever I visit the Diaz's it’s easy to see her. I’m sure she’s got more attitude than Tamara.

  “I really love her McKenzie.” I say into the air.

  “You better, or I’d haunt you.” I imagine she’d say something along those lines. I run my thumb over the band.

  “I would expect nothing less. She promised James that she’d take care of me so I make the same promise to you. I know how precious she is, I will treat her like the rarity that she is.”

  I feel a bit of peace within me and I know that she’s said her peace. I close up my journal, standing up as I tell them bye and leave Emma’s spot. I head home and I go right to the television. It’s later in the day and I know my mother will pop in to scold me. I don’t care though. I haven’t heard from Emma for some time now and I’m a bit worried.

  “Grace?” My mother calls from the kitchen and I stare at the television for a minute making sure not to hear anything. I rush over to her and I hear her on the phone.

  I furrow my brows as she laughs at whoever she’s speaking to on the other line. Why do parents call you when they don’t want to speak to you right away? I lift my arms and urge her to explain why she pulled me away from my task of making sure Emma isn’t hurt.

  “Yes she’s right here hold on. You’ve must’ve sensed her, she literally walked into the house a few seconds ago.”

  My confusion breaks as soon as my mother says that. I rush over to her and eagerly grab the phone from her. She grips it and points to her cheek. I groan and greet my mother with a kiss on the cheek. She shouts a ‘thank you’ as I grab the phone and rush out of the kitchen and back into the living room.

  “Hi baby!” I practically shout in excitement.

  I drop onto the sofa and Doc jumps up and gets comfortable on me. Usually his heavy body is crushing, but I’m too excited to hear from Emma to care how heavy my pup is.

  She laughs and I feel my insides melt. “How is my beautiful girl doing?”

  “Ugh, terrible I miss you so much.” I tell her honestly, she laughs softly.

  “I miss you too. I managed to get some phone time at our base out here so of course I called you. I’m glad I caught you I know we haven’t spoken in a while.”

  “Me too. I’ve been thinking about you so much.”

  “Good, exactly how I like it. How is everyone?”

  “Good, they miss you obviously. I’ve been keeping up with everyone.” I turn the volume down as the sounds of ammunition fill the silent air.

  “Grace…” My girlfriend says in a warning tone. I sigh.

  “I know…”

  “I told you to stop doing that. Everything is okay. Trust me, my unit is being extremely cautious and we are all watching each other's backs. We are trained babe…”

  “I know but…”

  “What did I promise you?”

  “That you’d come back.”

  “Have I let you down before?”

  I know I don’t have to answer but I know she’s asking more for my benefit than for hers. I groan and she coaxes an answer out of me.

  “No, you’ve never let me down before.”

  “And I won’t now.”

  I hear someone shout in the distance "she’s a machine!" And Emma laughs. I smile knowing that she’s a little closer to her platoon buddies.

  “Zip it Conrad!” She playfully threatens and I hear him fake a terrified whimper. “Sorry babe.”

  “It’s fine. Was that one of your platoon buddies you were telling me about in your letters?”

  “Yeah, that’s Zach Conrad, he’s a trip. He’s such a character, has the energy of a two year old and never winds down. Always talks when everyone wants to sleep.”

  I laugh as she tells me more about her
friends. It feels good to hear her voice and I easily get lost in our conversation. It only lasts about twenty minutes but it’s the best conversation I’ve had with her in a long time. We reluctantly say our goodbyes, say I love you about ten times and then the line goes dead.

  I sigh as I drop the phone on my chest. I miss her already and it’s only been ten seconds. I drop my head to side and watch the television. The news still playing and I listen to my girlfriend and turn it to something that isn’t the news. I rub Doc’s head, the action enjoyable for both him and myself.

  “Only eight more weeks boy. You think we can do it?” I ask seriously and he gives me a gruff bark and I grunt in agreement. “Yeah, I don’t think so either.”

  ___

  I finish typing the newest chapter of my memoir. I’m trying my hand at humor, not the easiest thing to make people laugh. I’m not feeling very comedic lately. I pick up my phone that’s sitting next to my laptop and flip through my pictures of Emma and I. I smile as I see a picture of me and her at her ‘see you later’ going away party. I can’t help but think that we’re the cutest damn couple to ever walk this earth. I’m taken out of my thoughts when I hear a knock at my door. I turn to see Catherine poking her head in.

  “Hi!” I say in surprise and rush over to her, greeting her with a hug. She holds me tightly then groans once she pulls from the embrace. I’m glad she’s here but then my heart drops…did something happen?

  “Nothing is wrong, Grace.” She tells me quickly.

  She must’ve seen the unnecessary worry on my face. I’m scared that I will forever live in fear that something will happen to my girlfriend. I’m going to have to talk to her about that because I know that’s not a way she’d want me to live. I release a sigh of relief and she smiles.

  “I’m sorry I just…”

  She waves a dismissive hand. “When she first left every time the phone rang my heart stopped. It’s only been a few months, you’re doing fine.”

  I breathe out a laugh of disbelief. “Doesn’t feel like it.”

  “I hope it’s okay I stopped by…” I cut her off not needing her to explain.

  I’m glad she’s here. I offer her a seat and she grabs a seat at my desk while I sit on my bed and we just share stories about Emma. Her more than me and I am absorbing every minute of it. It feels good to laugh. It feels good to hear a laugh that reminds me of Emma. The time passes quickly and I’m grateful that the day is almost over. She checks the time and stands up. I don’t want her to go because this is the closest I’m getting to seeing Emma that isn’t a screen or a picture.

  “How’ve you been?” I ask her sincerely.

  I remember Emma telling me about how Tyler told her how upset she was when Emma left the last time. She just sighs and nods.

  “I’m hanging in there. It’s hard not having her around and I try to maintain a brave face but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her.”

  We share a look and I finally realize that I’m not the only one who feels this way. Obviously it’s for different reasons but Catherine gets it. We both know we can’t spend every waking moment worrying but there are times when it’s all we do. She’s probably feeling that way right now which is why she’s here. Just to vent and share a worry with someone that won’t tell her not to.

  “I know what you mean but I spoke to her a few days ago. She seems well.”

  “Does she?” She asks hopeful, her attitude perks up a bit and I’m glad I was able to ease her mind even if it was for just a moment. “I’m happy to hear that.”

  She nods as if she’s ridding all the worry from her mind. She seems satisfied with the thoughts her mind focuses on because she changes the subject, asking me about my writing. It feels nice to have a normal conversation. It’s light and I feel a little closer to Emma since I’m talking with her mother.

  We talk comfortably for a little over an hour before she stands up and heads for the door.

  “Thank you so much for spending time with me.” She says and my eyes go wide because I should be thanking her.

  I don’t know how today would’ve ended if I spent them the way I usually do. Staring at the news, writing my sadness down, and wishing my girlfriend were back already.

  “Thank you.” I tell her sincerely and she embraces me again. I walk her down the stairs and to the front door.

  “My place for dinner on Friday?”

  I smile wide and nod eagerly. “That will be awesome.” She nods and waves goodbye . I watch as she gets into her car and drives away.

  ___

  Tyler holds onto Doc’s leash loosely as we walk the pier. I haven’t spent time with Tyler for a while now so I'm hanging with him for the day. We’ve already gone to the beach where we both skim boarded while Doc ran alongside us. He holds my hand and squeezes it softly. I look down at him and smiles at me.

  “So, how you been Grace?”

  “Uh…” Really? I mean Emma’s warned me about him and I’ve been surprised by his genius when it comes to emotions before but he doesn’t need to check on me. “I’m alright bud, thanks for asking. How’ve you been?”

  He sighs slightly annoyed. “No, no Grace. I want to know how you’ve been with Emma being gone and everything. She told me in my letters to take care of you while she’s gone. So, you know I’m just asking because I’m here to listen.”

  I laugh more out of shock than the fact that it’s funny. I don’t know what to do with this kid. He’s a bit scary sometimes.

  “I’ve been good, honest. I miss your sister very much but I know she’ll be home soon.”

  “Yeah, she will because she promised and you know Emma always keeps her promise.” I see him glance quickly at my ring as my hand swings forward while I walk.

  I smirk because he probably knows what this means more than either Emma or I do. I know it means that she’s mine forever. We’re still young and neither of us are going anywhere, so there’s no need to rush this. I like the rate at which we’re moving.

  “She most certainly does.” I agree and shake his arm playfully, he laughs and swings my arm in response.

  “You know Grace you’re a really cool big sister. I’m glad you and Emma are together because now I have two awesome big sisters.”

  I get a little choked up and as quickly as it was here it’s gone as Tyler runs a little ahead of me with Doc to watch a magician do some street magic. It was always just understood that the Daniels saw me as part of their family but that was when Emma was here. It’s even better to hear such things when your connection to them isn’t here. It makes it more real. Which in turns makes Emma and I even more real. I catch up to Tyler and Doc. I look down at them and enjoy how natural this feels even if my girlfriend doesn’t come back for another few weeks.

  I pick Tyler up from his booster seat. He fell asleep on the drive home. A tuckered child is always a good sign that the day went well. I carefully close the door leaving Doc inside not planning on staying too long. I ring the bell and Ryan opens up. I smile and he greets me with an awkward hug, Tyler in the middle. He grabs his son and I quickly leave tired from the day. I send Catherine my love and head home.

  –

  Doc rushes into the house and drops on his bed in the living room. I breathe out a laugh and do the same on the sofa.

  “I feel ya, bud.”

  He whimpers and rolls on his back getting more comfortable. My parents aren’t home so I make use of their absence as I get my daily dose of reassurance. I flip through one station, nothing. I flip to the next station and I’m pleased to hear nothing again. Another day passes where I can rest easy knowing that she’s okay.

  –

  I drag my hand through the water to stall as I tube ride the wave. I remember the first time I caught one of these. Extremely hard to do and even when you get it one time it isn’t a guarantee that you’ll catch another. I break out of the wave, carve it then pump my way across it. I ride the white water and slip into the water. I grab my board and run through t
he waves. I dig my board into the sand and drop down next to Doc, grabbing my towel and drying my hair.

  “Did you see me, Doc? Pretty awesome huh, that’s my sixth tube ride.” He just barks and I laugh rubbing his fur.

  I sniffle, the sea water making my nose a bit runny. I wipe my face and watch the rest of the sunrise. I’m trying to let my excitement about grabbing the rare wave take over the sadness that I’ve been feeling. I haven’t heard from Emma in over two and a half weeks. She comes home in three. It’s possible that there is a lot of stuff for her to do before she gets discharged but I would like to have heard something. I’ve asked everyone else and they haven’t heard from her either. I’ve sent letters, messages through Skype, even dropped a note into the care packages that Catherine sends. Nothing. I’ve been watching the news as per usual and thank God haven’t heard anything. I’m still holding tight to the cliché phrase that’s gotten me through the last several months, no news means good news.

  Doc licks my face and I laugh pushing his furry face away from mine.

  “Doc you’re not supposed to lick the salt off my face, you’re gonna get sick.” I giggle as he ignores me and playfully jumps on me. I love that about dogs, they always sense when their person is down. I hug him and he sniffs my face.

  “I know Doc, I gotta stop worrying. I’m trying buddy, I’m trying. Let’s get some food huh?” I ask as I stand and he barks.

  I grab my board, head back to my car and try to think about all the happy things I’m going to do with Emma when she gets home in a few weeks.

  I open the door and Doc runs inside headed straight for the kitchen . I place my board down and follow closely behind him. My flip flops hit my feet and fills the silence in the air. I see my parents cuddling in the kitchen. I playfully scrunch my face.