In Too Deep

by Bradd Chambers

  When Ava comes to grips with herself, she looks up at her aunt. The dark rings under her eyes. The tattered hospital gown. The tube protruding from her nose and around her neck, snaking off to behind the bed. She’d been non-responsive when the ambulance came. They rushed her to Altnagelvin Hospital right away and Ava had paced the corridor for an hour.

  A doctor finally came and said she was going to be okay. They’d had to pump her stomach and were keeping her in overnight to keep an eye on her. He’d given Ava a few leaflets on depression and suicide and some organisations who could help her aunt as she tried to ignore the flicker of recognition on the doctor’s face.

  “Rob… What the fuck?”

  “I know,” her voice is croaky, and her eyes are still rolling back in her head. “I’m sorry.”

  “You’re sorry!” Ava almost laughs, getting to her feet.

  “It wasn’t… On purpose,” her head lulls back.

  Why is she going on like this? Like she’s still drunk or high off her meds? Irritation flares in Ava and she tries to extinguish it, knowing it isn’t her aunt’s fault. Although the doctor said there mightn’t be many side effects, she has to remember that Robyn still isn’t mentally well. A trauma like this could do God knows what to her.

  “What wasn’t on purpose, Robyn?”

  “I…” Her eyes flicker open and closed. “I forgot… How much I’d taken… Took more… Than I should’ve… Would never… Do that to you…”

  She reaches an arm lazily towards Ava and she takes her hand gratefully. Should she believe her? Looking down at her now, she does. But the hours of those feelings of abandonment resurfacing again are hard to shake off.

  They stay like that a while longer until the nurse marches into the room.

  “Right, Mrs Friel… We’ve a bed for you ready upstairs. Can’t be lying about here all afternoon, now can we?”

  Robyn doesn’t respond. She still lies with her eyes closed. Giving Ava flashbacks of a few hours ago. As the nurse kicks at the heels of the legs of Robyn’s bed, getting set to wheel her upstairs, she turns to Ava.

  “Visiting hours have just finished, I’m afraid. But you can come by and visit later tonight?”

  Ava nods as the nurse tells her the ward number, before thanking her and squeezing her aunt’s hand one last time. Walking in the opposite direction of the elevators, she gets easily lost in all the corridors that look the same. Finally, seeing the sign for an exit, she turns right and finds herself in A&E. Relatively quiet on a lazy Thursday evening, she walks past the glass windows looking into the waiting room and is surprised to see Mark sitting there.

  Whilst waiting for the doctor earlier, Ava had sent him a short text to let him know that Robyn had overdosed and was in hospital. Seeing him now, through the glass, she breaks down as soon as he looks up.

  ****

  He turned up at my work the next Saturday night. Shortly before closing. I seethed with anger, smiling with clenched teeth as I served the remaining customers. Strutting over, I informed him we were closing in a few moments. Blagging off as if he was a complete stranger. Rachel eyeing us suspiciously. He grabbed my hand as I turned away and asked for me to meet him at Badger’s on the corner of Newmarket Street.

  I almost didn’t go. But Rachel heard the exchange and convinced me to hear him out. Not having a clue that I was almost six weeks pregnant. The bastard didn’t move from the bar when I walked in. Didn’t even offer me a chair.

  “I’ve been cheating on you.”

  Although I had an inkling, it didn’t help the soaring pain that ripped through my chest. He spoke silently and sullenly. The noise of the packed bar blocking his words from circulating. Our own private party in clear view.

  “So, more than once?”

  My jaw clenched.

  “Aye…”

  I guessed from his wording, but a sob still struggled at the back of my throat.

  “With that girl. Lindsay?”

  He flinched.

  “No… Not exactly.”

  “What the H-“ I realised how raised my voice was. Regaining control, I continued. “What do you mean ‘not exactly?’”

  “Nothing’s happened with us. But it doesn’t mean I don’t want it to.”

  I felt like taking his pint glass and smashing it over his head.

  “Then who?”

  “A few girls. I’ve been seeing them on and off for a while now.”

  “How long is a while?”

  “Well…” His lips pursed and he stared at the special’s sign in thought. “Depends who we’re talking about. I mean, the longest is Lisa, I suppose. That’s been going on for over a year now.”

  I nearly dipped to the floor. Nearly fainted. Over a year? How had he been seeing this woman for over a year? And seeing me for months at the same time? And all these other women? I felt sick. I felt like just letting my stomach empty all over the floor.

  “I don’t want anything to do with this baby,” he bit his lip, as if he was telling me that there was no more bread left at the supermarket. “I’m sorry. Children were never in my plan…”

  You think this was my plan? I felt like screaming at him. Letting the whole bar of his buddies know what this devious twat had done. But I wouldn’t lower or embarrass myself that way. Instead, I picked up my bag and swung it around my neck. I leaned in close as if to kiss him on the cheek and hissed in his ear.

  “Stay the fuck away from me.”

  Chapter Forty:

  She lies on his sofa with her head in his lap, a moth-eaten blanket covering her.

  “I just don’t understand why she would want to do something like that.”

  Mark shuffles uncomfortably beneath her.

  “Maybe she did just forget?”

  “But enough to knock her unconscious?”

  “It was a toxic mix. Lord knows how many different tablets she’s on, and how much she drank. You did say she was having wine at lunch. She probably drank all day and night. I wouldn’t worry about it too much, Ave. Not until she comes around a bit more and you can speak to her properly.

  “To give my honest opinion, I don’t think it was intentional. After how your ma’s death affected her, and seeing how it affected you… I don’t think she’d ever want to bring that to your family’s door again… No matter what mental state she’s in. I genuinely believe her. The past few times I’ve seen her she’s seemed to get worse and worse. Maybe this is the wake-up call she, or her doctors, need to get her real help.”

  She snuggles her head closer to his stomach as he consistently rubs his thumb over her arm.

  “Well… No matter what, she’s lucky to have you, eh? Why did you say you were checking up on her again?”

  She jerks bolt upright, her eyes expanding again. With all the chaos, she’d completely forgotten about the earlier events. Guilt batters at her heart as she remembers telling the office that she was checking up on Robyn. Almost like a premonition. Like she’d jinxed it.

  “She was just so drunk last night. Wanted to make sure she was okay on my lunch break. Had brought her a bacon bap…”

  Ava’s glad she’s facing away from him. Can’t sniff out her lie.

  “Well… You’re so good for doing so. Otherwise… Who knows?”

  He knows better than to continue down that road. Slapping his knees, making Ava jump, he stands and groans, stretching and reaching for her hand.

  “C’mon and I’ll leave you home.”

  Mr Ted!

  “Er… I need to go to the office and lock up first,” she lies. “And my car’s at Robyn’s. I’ll need it for tomorrow. Can you leave me off there?”

  He nods, his hand unmoving until she takes it in hers, before he pulls her up onto her feet. Their eyes meet for a split second until he turns and marches out of the living room.

  Chapter Forty-One:

  They drive in silence. From Culmore, over the Foyle Bridge and down the Limavady Road until they come to a stop outside Robyn’s house. Ava’s gaze t
ravels from the passenger side window and into Mark’s eyes once more.

  “Mark… There’s something I have to tell you. Cathal, he’s just a-”

  “Listen, Ave… Let’s not talk about it. Your head will be all over the place right now. And the last thing I want to do is get into a fight. We’ll give it a few days. Why don’t I come around on Saturday night? We can talk then?”

  Brushing her hair out of her eyes, Ava nods reluctantly, squeezing Mark’s thigh in his tight suit trousers, before opening the door and exiting his car without another word. Scared in case she’ll cry and never stop if she tries to speak again. She knows he’s watching her as she climbs the drive. When she comes to a rest beside her car, she hears the hum of the engine bursting to life again and he speeds off. She steals one last glance after him as he goes to turn the corner. Reaching inside her jacket pocket, she blinks. Where are her keys?

  After several moments of flailing around searching, she groans. They’re in her bag, which she left discarded in Robyn’s house. In her frantic rush to get out to the ambulance, she had pulled the door behind her. Reaching the front door, she looks in and sees it sitting where she left it, underneath the seat. Cursing herself, she thinks about ringing Mark to ask him back, but decides against it. The office is only about a 20-minute walk away. The walk will do her the world of good.

  Chapter Forty-Two:

  As she reaches the crossroads at the end of the Limavady Road, she waits for the traffic to stop. She stares at the lights, wondering about Mark. About Robyn. About Mr Ted. And finally, about the shoes. The first inclination that something was wrong. Who knew such beautiful shoes could spiral her life out of control? She tries to think back to a time when things were going right for her, even after her mum’s death. It seems much longer, but it can’t have been more than a few weeks ago at most.

  “Hello, hello.”

  Looking to her right, Ava’s shocked to see Cathal making his way down the street towards her.

  “Haven’t seen you in ages.”

  She attempts a smile, but she knows it’s half-hearted. It seems like everywhere she goes recently, he’s there. Is he stalking her? Is he the one behind all of this? After all, all this started when he entered her life.

  “What are you doing here?” she tries and fails to keep the suspicion out of her voice.

  “Fluff pieces,” he nods his head behind him. “Some woman up the road’s turning 100. Got a card from the Queen herself,” he raises his eyebrows. “No one else in the office is arsed to interview her. So, they sent me.”

  Ava nods. She’s being paranoid. Lack of sleep and her wound up attitude recently isn’t helping.

  “What happened earlier?”

  Ava’s eyebrows raise in confusion before she remembers the phone call.

  “Aw… To be completely honest, it hasn’t been my day.”

  She can’t help but notice Cathal staring between her eyes, knowing full well that she’d been crying.

  “Want to talk about it over a drink?”

  Ava goes to protest but he waves it away.

  “Entirely innocent, I swear. We can even sit on similar sides of the table.”

  Ava frowns before laughing.

  “You know what? A drink sounds great.”

  Chapter Forty-Three:

  “Well… When you said it wasn’t your day, I thought maybe you’d missed the bus or something,” Cathal laughs after Ava has filled him in on the recent drama with her aunt.

  They’re back in their seats beside the toilets in the Icon. The same place they were on Friday night.

  “Although, I must admit. I do agree with Mark.”

  The shock can’t be hidden from Ava’s face.

  “You do?”

  “Uh… Aye… Ah – Of course, I… Erm…” Cathal starts stammering before sticking out his tongue and taking a sip of his pint. “Sorry... Foreign territory here,” he winks.

  Ava smiles awkwardly.

  “I do agree, aye. I mean, if I ever have kids, I’ll never treat them the way my ma or da treated me. So, I don’t think your aunt would ever want to bring you the harm that your ma did.”

  Ava shifts uncomfortably. It’s weird to hear someone talk about her mother like this.

  “Especially since your aunt knows the pain herself. You learn from your mistakes. Eh?”

  Ava nods. She guesses he’s right.

  “It’s just when I moved in with her… She saw how affected I was. And I saw it with her. I just hope it was an accidental overdose. There’s no way she could be feeling the same as Mum. Although, her husband did leave her quite recently. And I’m sure me moving out didn’t really help. I’ve offered her an in-home carer, but she won’t take it. Says she’s grand. But… I don’t know. I just wish the doctors would hurry up and find out what’s wrong with her,” she sighs, draining her drink.

  She raises the glass and nods her head to Cathal’s as she swallows, before standing and heading towards the bar. That’s when she realises, she has no money. Her notes and card resting in her purse, inside her handbag. She curses and goes back to the table. Luckily, Cathal has read her mind and has a £20 note raised and ready for her.

  “No,” she sits down, “I’m not taking it.”

  “It’s my turn anyway,” he laughs, standing and heading to the bar himself.

  When he’s returned with their drinks, she thanks him.

  “It’s not really your turn, you bought the burgers last night,” she teases. “And the drinks before these.”

  He chuckles into his drink.

  “I’m sure I can let that slide. They weren’t that nice anyway. Had a bit of an icky tummy after mine. Did you feel the same?”

  Ava thinks back to her sleepless night of worry. If she did feel unwell because of the burgers, she wouldn’t have been able to distinguish between that, the sickly feeling of guilt or the hollow pain in her chest. They drink in silence for a while, before Cathal asks the question Ava always dreads answering.

  “So, you say you lived with your aunt after your ma… Passed away. What about your dad?”

  Ava takes longer than necessary to put down her glass, swirling the drink around her mouth. Pursing her lips, she rests her eyes on him.

  “Snap!”

  He looks at her confused.

  “You never met your ma. I never met my da.”

  His eyes glaze over with realisation.

  “Oh… I… I’m sorry. Must be the journalist in me.”

  She shakes her head at his apology.

  “You’re grand. You didn’t know. He left shortly after Mum found out she was pregnant with me. They were only together for a few months. Mum found out he was cheating on her anyway.”

  Cathal nods along.

  “Then he died. Maybe about…” she blows out, one eye half closed in thought. “Five… Six years ago? So, I never got a chance to meet him. Mum just heard from a mutual friend.”

  “So, he never bothered with you?”

  She shakes her head as she takes another sip.

  “Nope. Got married to one of those slags he was ridin’ behind Mum’s back. Had kids with her.”

  “What a dick. I mean, why stay in their lives and not yours?”

  Ava smiles. He’s not going to ask a question or make a statement that she hasn’t thought of millions of times before.

  “Aye… Sure, what can you do? Mum was enough for both parents. She devoted her life to me… I didn’t need a da.”

  Ava thinks back on the months after her mother’s death. After Zoe told her the search was being called off. Those Saturdays she would drive back from her part-time job at the City of Derry Airport and take a detour. Park outside and look at the house of her estranged Granny and Grandad, finding it on the funeral director’s website. Where everyone came to pay their condolences and grieve her father before he was put to rest in the ground.

  So many times she’d wanted to step out of the car and knock on the door. See if they’d wanted her. Ask what he w
as like. See if she had really been better off without him. Scared in case they slammed the door in her face. Or in case they didn’t even know about her. Struggling with herself and her thoughts. Wanting that bit of family she’d lost and the bit of family she’d never had.

  Chapter Forty-Four:

  “Ava?”

  They look up to see Paddy towering over their table. A little tipsy now they’re a few drinks in, Ava gasps and totters to her feet. Throwing her arms around him.

  “Paddy,” she elongates the final letter in his name. “What’re you doing here?”

  “Just out for dinner with the missus,” he points at the bar where Jenny is sitting, waving over towards Ava.

  “Oh, lovely.”

  Paddy eyes Cathal suspiciously.

  “Oh, sorry. This is Cathal from the Londonderry Letter.”

  Cathal nods respectively towards her colleague, who returns the gesture.

  “What are you guys doing here? How’s your aunt?”

  Ava groans at the prospect of re-telling the story again.

  “She’s in hospital. Accidently overdosed on her pills,” Cathal steps in, physically and metaphorically, as he dodges around the table to shake Paddy’s hand.

  Ava thanks him with a smile.

  “Jesus. Is she alright?” Paddy directs the question towards Ava, who has slouched back down into her chair.

  “Aye, she’s grand. Just monitoring her overnight. Gonna call in later and see her,” Ava squints up at him. “There was a whole balls-up between my keys and my car. Was on the way back to the office when I ran into Cathal here,” she gestures towards him. “Came in for a drink, and the way my life’s going lately I decided I didn’t want to stop,” she fakes a laugh before sloshing the last of her drink down her throat.