Remembrance of the Past

by Lory Lilian

  “If you will not be too cold or tired to ride twenty miles to London, I will certainly not be too cold or tired to see you for a few minutes.”

  Her eyes showed equal determination and entreaty, and he could do nothing but agree with her, grateful for her affection and devotion.

  “Very well then. Within an hour’s time of your arrival back at Longbourn, I will wait for you in the wildish corner of your garden. That way we will have some privacy, and you still will be close to the house and able to return safely inside. But I will stay only a few minutes.”

  “That is a most perfect plan, sir,” she replied with a daring smile that expressed her contentment. “And, sir, I do know the meaning of the word privacy,” she added as the last notes of the waltz directed their steps around the floor.

  ***

  She would faint; she was certain of it. She would faint, and thank heavens she was sitting on a chair so she would not fall to the floor. And Hill was not there with her smelling salts. As for her sister Gardiner, there could be little support from her as she seemed also to have lost her mind; otherwise, why would she dance the waltz?

  How could she not faint? How could she bear such a flagrant breach of propriety at her daughter’s engagement ball? Waltzing in Hertfordshire! Who would believe it? What would people say?

  Suddenly she cared not in the slightest about other people and very little about Jane and her Mr. Bingley.

  Was it possible? Could her wishes and hopes be exceeded in such a way? Lizzy and Mr. Darcy? Mr. Darcy with his ten thousand a year? Yes, she would faint; Mrs. Bennet was certain of that, but there was no room for misunderstanding—not after the way they looked at each other as they danced, not after he had asked her for the first set, and not after all the times they disappeared to walk alone. They stayed close to each other when he dined at Longbourn, and she had a close friendship with Miss Darcy. It was all so obvious! And she had been so silly to see nothing—nothing at all! She had neglected Mr. Darcy and paid all her attention to Mr. Bingley. Oh, she had been such a fool! Would Mr. Darcy ever forgive her? She must do everything in her power to accomplish that.

  The music has stopped? Oh, so much the better. Her nerves could not stand that waltz much longer. What was Mr. Bennet doing there? It was suppertime, and he seemed determined to make a speech. What on earth has come over the man? An announcement? She rose from her chair, struggling to listen to her husband while trying to find a way to reach Lizzy and Mr. Darcy. Mr. Bennet was just talking about them. What was he saying? Oh yes, he said Lizzy and Mr. Darcy were engaged to be married. Oh well…she would still go and talk to them.

  Mr. Darcy and Lizzy engaged to be married?! Was that what her husband had just said?!

  Mrs. Bennet fainted—and Hill was not there with her smelling salts.

  Chapter 18

  Elizabeth listened for a time until she heard the door of her mother’s room close and Hill’s heavy steps move down the stairs. If they would only go to bed and fall asleep quickly! Darcy had promised to come no more than an hour after they left Netherfield. She would not consider allowing him to leave for London before she saw him again as planned. She could not control the sensation of utter happiness that enveloped her and made her feel as though she were still dancing—or flying. It was the first night of her “official” engagement.

  She threw herself on the bed and laughed heartily, remembering the facial expressions on the people in attendance the moment her father made the announcement. Never before had Elizabeth witnessed eyes and mouths widened into such perfect “O’s” as those of Miss Cardington and Miss Bingley. She knew she should feel sorrow for their hurt feelings, but she was certain neither lady held any genuine regard or affection for Mr. Darcy.

  With a mixture of embarrassment and amusement, Elizabeth remembered her mother’s swoon and the reaction of everyone who witnessed it. Together with Jane, Elizabeth had actually run toward their mother and escorted the servants who carried an unconscious Mrs. Bennet to the nearest private room. When their mother recovered a few minutes later, her cries of utter happiness and her loudly expressed admiration and gratitude for Mr. Darcy—such a tall, handsome gentleman—turned Elizabeth’s worry into mortification; she was deeply grateful that such effusions were heard only by herself.

  Taking advantage of the privacy of the room, Elizabeth had answered a few questions and tried to calm not only her mother’s nerves but also her desire to leave immediately and find Mr. Darcy. To Elizabeth’s relief, Mrs. Gardiner arrived a moment later and sent her niece to reunite with her intended while she offered to remain and care for her sister Bennet. When they had at length rejoined the others, Mrs. Bennet was somewhat calmer and her behaviour astonishingly proper. She did offer her congratulations and expressed her approval to Mr. Darcy, but she did so in such a quiet, discreet way that nobody could have found any fault in her manners. Mr. Darcy was more than gentlemanlike in his elegant bow to her; no one in the ballroom actually heard what the gentleman and his future mother-in-law spoke of, but it was clear to everyone that it was an amiable conversation.

  The rest of the night had passed as expected: a cold reception of the news from Mr. Bingley’s relatives and much curiosity and speculation whispered around the room from the inhabitants of Meryton. The latter could not decide whether they should envy the Bennets for their fortune or pity Elizabeth for having to spend the rest of her life with such a severe, aloof gentleman as Mr. Darcy. There was also the early retreat from the ball of Miss Cardington; a sudden headache forced her to prefer the solitude of her bedchamber to the din of the supper room.

  Eventually, Mrs. Hurst remembered her duties and addressed Elizabeth with brief words of congratulation, but Miss Bingley was too engrossed in comforting her headachy friend to meet Elizabeth face-to-face. Jane had suffered and been ashamed of the cold attitude of her future sisters toward her beloved Lizzy, and Mr. Bingley could not have been more angry with his relatives’ lack of propriety. As for Elizabeth, as long as she was able to be with Mr. Darcy, enjoy his company during supper, and stand up with him for another set afterward, she was able to bear the disdain of Miss Bingley and her ilk remarkably well.

  By the end of the ball, the Meryton population in attendance shared the opinion that Mr. Darcy was not quite so disagreeable—especially when he smiled—and perhaps Elizabeth Bennet would not be wholly miserable married to him. In any case, it was universally admitted that Mrs. Bennet had every reason to be satisfied with her elder daughters’ success in securing good husbands. Lady Lucas was nothing compared to her.

  Elizabeth opened the door silently and slipped out; the coldness surrounded her instantly, and she shivered, wrapping the pelisse around her and struggling to see anything through the darkness. The next moment she gasped in fright as two strong arms imprisoned her, giving her no chance to escape. In an instant, her senses and her heart told her she had no reason to fear. She knew it was Darcy long before her eyes discerned his beloved face, and his low, gentle voice apologised for alarming her.

  He directed her toward the garden, holding her tightly in his embrace.

  “You are freezing…You must return to the house immediately.”

  “I will certainly do no such thing, sir—at least, not immediately.”

  “Then let us sit and I will keep you warm.” Before she had time to inquire where precisely to sit, he was already on the cold ground, wet from the autumn frost, and drawing her down with him. To her astonishment, Elizabeth found herself sitting in his lap, crushed to his chest, while his left arm encircled her back. He unbuttoned his coat and enclosed them both, nestling her even closer to him.

  “You will ruin your clothes completely,” she said, still not recovered from being in such an intimate embrace. She felt her cheeks burning as she struggled to do something with her hands, their faces so close that she could almost feel his mouth. The sensation of their bodies so intimately touching, the warmth of his thighs beneath her, their faces at the same level, and his lips low
ering to touch hers made her quiver. His free hand found its way to meet hers and directed them to encircle his waist, and then his fingers moved up to brush along the line of her jaw and stopped to tantalise her earlobe as his palm cupped her cheek.

  “I daresay my income affords me the ability to procure as many new clothes as needed,” he replied teasingly as their lips met.

  Only that moment did Elizabeth realise how she missed being alone with him and longed for his kisses, his closeness, his taste. She knew he desired her in equal measure, and she had positive proof when his kisses became more demanding and his lips more hungry. His hand travelled down, caressing her neck, her shoulder, her waist, until she felt his fingers stroking her thigh. She tensed and he stopped, their mouths separated by the space of a breath. After a moment of hesitation, she resumed the kiss, and her hands encircled his neck, resting at his nape. When his fingers began to move again—his caresses more determined, more daring, more breathtaking—she abandoned herself to the exquisite pleasure he was giving her. She was wearing her nightgown, robe and pelisse, but all those garments were insufficient to protect her skin from his burning touch.

  She completely lost track of time, but apparently, he did not. His assault on her mouth changed from fierce to gentle and became small kisses exploring her face. She could not suppress her regret when his caresses ceased.

  “Elizabeth, I must leave now,” he said, and her heart sank.

  “I know. Will you not stay just a few more minutes?”

  “Of course I will,” he replied. “I could not possibly separate from you so abruptly after having you so close.” She knew that he was forcing himself to smile and make light of the situation.

  Elizabeth nestled her head on the warm spot between his neck and shoulder, and cuddled close to his chest. She felt his fingers playing in her hair, and thought she would swoon.

  “We shall be married in a month,” she said, wondering what possessed her to say that.

  He laughed. “Indeed—a month can be a very long time.”

  She felt her cheeks flushing. “Oh, I did not mean that.”

  “Then what did you mean?”

  “I…” She considered her answer for a few moments; indeed, what did she mean?

  “I would be happy to know you wish this month were shorter—that you share my impatience to be married.”

  She breathed deeply and cupped his face with her palms so she could see his eyes in the darkness. “Then you may be happy, sir,” she said as she placed a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth.

  “And you must leave now as you have a long journey to London and must return as soon as possible. I have your word for that, sir.”

  “Indeed you have. You may rest assured, Miss Bennet, that I have not the slightest intention of delaying a moment longer than necessary.”

  They rose; without hesitation, she threw her arms around his waist and crushed herself against him. His arms embraced her so forcefully that neither of them could breathe. His lips rested upon the top of her head, and then he lifted her face to place soft kisses upon each of her eyes.

  “When I return, I shall ask Mrs. Bennet’s help to secure as much time with you as possible,” he said, hoping to hide the emotions that made his voice tremble. “Private, unchaperoned time.”

  Tearfully, she fought the lump in her throat that hindered her words.

  “You must know my mother would refuse you nothing.”

  “Yes, I do know that; in fact, I depend upon it. And now you must leave, Elizabeth. Please return to the house. I will stay here until you have closed the door behind you; I want to see you safely inside.”

  “As you wish.” She was unable to argue with him and unwilling to burden him further with tears she could no longer control. “Will you send me a note when you arrive?”

  “Of course I will.” He lifted her hands and placed a kiss in each of her palms. She turned to leave, but he held her a moment longer.

  “Elizabeth? I want to tell you how ardently I love and admire you—

  “I do know that you love me. But I must confess I am not entirely certain what ‘ardently’ implies. I have always had some difficulty understanding the true meaning of that expression.”

  He laughed back in delight, recollecting their flirtatious conversation during the waltz.

  “I shall be more than happy to teach you the complexity of its meaning…as soon as I return.”

  “I depend upon that, sir.”

  A quick brush of her lips upon his, their faces touching one last time, briefly, and she was gone; his mouth remained dry and thirsty for her sweet flavour while his cheeks were wet with her tears.

  ***

  Darcy had been on his way to London for several hours, but Elizabeth still could not sleep. She tried to keep her eyes closed beneath the warm bedcovers—hoping sleep would come—but the cosy warmth only reminded her of his embrace and her worry about his journey.

  She grew angry with herself for being weak and not inquiring more persistently about his business in Town. She was frightened about a particular possibility and struggled to force it from her mind.

  However, Darcy said he would not go after Markham, and she trusted his word.

  No, in truth he did not say he would not go after Markham. He said his business was in London, and he would not travel in that part of the country where Markham was. That should be reassuring, yet she felt heavyhearted and troubled. At least he was not alone; the colonel was with him.

  She wondered when they would arrive and how long it would take an express to reach Longbourn with a message from him. She wanted proof that he was well and safe, and then she could bear the separation as long as necessary.

  It was full daylight by now, but the house remained silent; the entire family was sleeping soundly after their lively evening. The room suddenly seemed too small for her torment; she needed fresh air. She needed the openness of the outdoors and a stroll along the paths they had walked together.

  She dressed properly for a long walk and left the house.

  ***

  After a protracted amble in the brisk air of the autumn morning, Elizabeth almost lost her balance on the muddy grass when she heard Lady Cassandra’s insistent voice calling her name.

  “Elizabeth, what on earth are you doing? Are you walking in your sleep, or are you daydreaming?” She dismounted and approached Elizabeth who greeted her with a smile of embarrassment.

  “Good morning, Cassandra. No, I am definitely not sleeping; in fact, I did not sleep at all after the ball. Hopefully, this walk will calm me, and I will be able to find rest later.”

  “No wonder you are distressed after such an animated night as the centre of attention.”

  Elizabeth laughed. “I have had enough attention to last a few years at least! What about you? What are you doing here at such an early hour?”

  “I needed a long ride to calm my nerves before meeting the Netherfield inhabitants for breakfast. I can only imagine Louisa and Caroline’s faces, not to mention Miss Cardington’s. And it is entirely your fault, you know.” Her eyebrow rose in mocking reproach.

  “I am sorry to cause such a difficult situation for you,” Elizabeth replied in the same manner.

  “So, are you walking alone, or are you expecting company?” Cassandra asked slyly.

  Elizabeth blushed but did not avert her eyes from her companion. “This time I am walking alone,” she answered daringly. “In fact, this is my favourite path. I used to walk along it almost every day.”

  “You must learn to ride. You could not walk around Pemberley.”

  “Oh, I do know how to ride, but I am not fond of horses. And speaking of that, I should warn you not to ride on this path; it is quite abrupt, and there are many trees and bushes. Your horse might slip at any time!”

  “Do not worry about me; I have ridden on far worse paths. And you should be fond of horses; they are wonderful creatures! You will love them if you become better acquainted with them.”

&
nbsp; “Well then, perhaps, once at Pemberley, you will help me choose a nice, gentle mare, and I will improve my riding skills.”

  “I am not sure that will be possible. I am not sure when I will be at Pemberley in the future. You and Darcy and Georgiana will be a family now and will not need any intrusion on your time together.”

  “Cassandra…”

  “Besides,” she continued, ignoring Elizabeth’s interruption, “once you are at Pemberley, I doubt Darcy will allow anyone except himself to help you choose anything! I fact, I wonder if he will allow anyone to see you or talk to you at all; I daresay he will lock you in your chambers for some time.” She laughed. Elizabeth’s face was crimson with mortification, her countenance a blend of embarrassment and boldness as she spoke in a teasing voice.

  “Cassandra, when Mr. Darcy unlocks my chambers and finally allows me to see other people, I hope with all my heart that those people will be you and Georgiana. If you presume that I would consider your presence at Pemberley an intrusion, you could not be farther from the truth. I do cherish your friendship, and I depend upon your help to learn my duties as Mrs. Darcy.”

  Cassandra’s face darkened, and her tone became grave. “Elizabeth, not for a moment did I presume you would not want me at Pemberley; do not distress yourself. But for some time I have been considering leaving the country again once you and Darcy are married. There are some circumstances that have led me to believe my departure would be the best solution for everyone involved.”

  “The same circumstances that have made you so sad and tormented lately?”

  “Yes…the same circumstances I previously told you I did not want to talk about; do you remember?”

  “I do remember,” replied Elizabeth, purposely ignoring the implied reproach. “I will not force your confidence, nor will I insist on discovering a secret you do not want to share, but I will insist on finding a way to offer you help or at least comfort. And I most assuredly will not calmly rejoice in my own felicity while you exile yourself away from your closest friends and your home. And I doubt very much that William would allow you simply to leave, no matter how preoccupied he might be in keeping me locked in my apartments!”