Remembrance of the Past

by Lory Lilian

  Cassandra’s eyes blinked repeatedly as her teeth bit her lower lip; a small drop of blood appeared, but she seemed not to notice. She continued to gaze at David until, with a long, last look, he apologised and quit the room. Darcy hesitated a moment, looking from Elizabeth to his sister and finally to Cassandra, and then he followed his cousin with Bingley on his heels.

  When the last of the gentlemen quitted the room, Cassandra’s weak cry broke the silence.

  Elizabeth resumed her seat on the bed close to Cassandra. She did not know exactly what had happened but, from Cassandra’s reaction, felt it was much more than a forsaken proposal. And, despite Cassandra’s harsh, ungenerous words toward the colonel, Elizabeth could easily see Cassandra was suffering at least as much as the rejected gentleman. Something painful was separating the two, and this was not the proper time to press for answers. Still, Elizabeth could not refrain from resolutely pursuing the painful subject.

  “Cassandra, you did call for the colonel, and he came more than willingly. He has been so grieved—his suffering so genuine. He wanted nothing more than to help you. It is not that you were delirious. You did not cry out random names—only his. He was never alone with you; one of us was always here. You calmed when he spoke to you; you slept peacefully while he was here; you took your medicine only when he gave it to you. I know you can understand our reasons, but if not, I still cannot repent that we allowed him in the room. We were so worried that we would lose you; we would have done anything to help you. And the colonel did help you recover. Can you not see? You were in great danger of dying—

  “You should have let me die; it would have been better for everyone,” she replied weakly. Cassandra turned her head to the side, her beautiful face so transformed by grief that Elizabeth trembled. She could sense that Cassandra was in earnest. How could Elizabeth possibly respond to such an assertion?

  “How dare you?” Georgiana’s cry of anger and desperation came from nowhere.

  “How dare you say such a thing when we spent the last days and nights praying for you? Do you know that Elizabeth has not slept at all since your accident? Nor has Mrs. Spencer or Janey! And now instead of thanking them, you are yelling at them and pretending it would have been better for everyone if you were dead? What gives you the right to say so?”

  Neither Elizabeth nor Mrs. Spencer could intervene to interrupt Georgiana’s outburst.

  Cassandra’s cheeks turned from pale to crimson, and she stretched her hand toward Georgiana. The girl stepped away to increase the gulf between them. “Georgiana, you do not understand—

  “Oh, but I do understand perfectly! I understand that you are upset with David when you should be grateful for his affection and devotion. He did not hesitate to open his heart to us, to confess his feelings and his failure in securing your hand in order to be allowed to watch over you. He did not care for decorum or for exposing himself to ridicule; his only concern was your well-being. Instead, for some strange reason, you purposely deny what is so obvious to all of us: your own affection for him. It is like…like you are afraid to admit it, like you fight against your own heart. Are you afraid, Cassandra? Is that why you behave so selfishly, so inconsiderately toward your friends? You were never afraid of anything!”

  The girl’s face was flustered from her emotional speech, but she continued in a trembling voice, tears flowing in earnest. “For years you and William were my only family; I could not love a sister more than I love you, and I admired you even more than I loved you! And now…now you wish you died just because you cannot admit your own feelings for David?! This is not the Cassandra I have known! This is not my generous, brave Cassandra! I pray to the Lord that you are not yet fully recovered and that tomorrow everything will be different and you will be yourself again.”

  Georgiana promptly left the room, wiping her tears furiously. Elizabeth’s calling after her was unanswered, so she followed the girl with a final brief glance toward Cassandra, whose face was crumpled in shock.

  As soon as they were alone, Cassandra managed to whisper a plea, as a child begging for a favour. “Mrs. Spencer, would you excuse me, please? I would like to rest now…I am not feeling well…”

  The elder lady smiled lovingly and, with a slight move of her head expressing her gentle reproach—a gesture well known to Cassandra since she was a girl—arranged the bed sheets around her.

  “Try to rest, my child. Everything will be fine; you will see.”

  Cassandra turned her face to the fire and allowed the tears to come with no attempt to hide them. Nevertheless, Mrs. Spencer knew when she was crying, laughing or simply being unfair to those around her. After all, Cassandra had been “her girl” for years.

  ***

  For the second time in the last few days, Darcy was speechless in front of his cousin. Bingley had respected their privacy and remained in the drawing room with Jane and Mrs. Hurst, unsuccessfully attempting to appear calm as he answered their questions about Lady Cassandra’s improvement.

  Darcy poured a glass of brandy for his cousin. “David, I truly do not know what to say. I feel I need to apologise for Cassandra’s reaction—

  “That is ridiculous, Darcy. You have nothing to do with this. Besides, there is no need to feel pity or embarrassment for me; I am quite fine. I am more worried—and deeply ashamed—for what Miss Bennet and Georgiana might believe of me. I am afraid they might believe I took advantage of Cassandra to…you know.”

  “It was a shock for them, there is no doubt about that, and I really do not know how we could clarify things. This is not something I can openly discuss with them, especially with Georgiana.”

  “Of course, you cannot discuss the matter with your intended or with your sister; I would not expect that of you. You have been more indulgent than one could hope. I must apologise for placing you in such a delicate position.”

  “David, you know Cassandra is as dear to me as a sister. If I knew about…that delicate situation before it actually happened, I would have done everything to prevent it as long as you two did not have an understanding of any kind. However, it did happen, and I trust you did not take advantage of Cassandra in any way. So there is little for me to do except be indulgent and accept your current disagreement, hoping for a happy outcome.”

  “I do appreciate your concern. However, my friend, you may say I am being presumptuous, and I might sound stupid, but I am more hopeful than I have ever been in the last few months.”

  Darcy’s surprise made the colonel laugh while emptying his glass.

  “I never expected Cassandra to waken and a minute later accept my hand. I am a reasonable man and know her too well. But now I know her feelings—better than she does. She called for me, not her late husband, not you or Georgiana, not even her parents—only me. Am I mistaken in assuming so much? Perhaps, but I will continue to do so until I am proved wrong. Yet, I will not persist in my pursuit; I decided that even before her accident. As soon as she is completely recovered and out of any danger, I will allow her time to explore her own heart and find the answers she still seeks. I am in no hurry; I can wait. Now I know that only her mind forbade her from being happy again. Her heart has betrayed her reason, and I was there to witness it. She does care deeply for me, Darcy. I can wait.”

  David Fitzwilliam was not asking for advice nor did he seek approval; he was only stating his feelings and his decision, and no answers were required. Darcy—remembering how his previous advice almost ruined Bingley’s life—did not dream of offering even one piece of wisdom. His cousin knew better in matters of the heart; that had been a universally acknowledged truth their entire lives.

  ***

  The one most affected by the recent revelation was Mr. Bingley. As the master of the house, burdened by his responsibilities and torn between his loyalty for Cassandra and his friendship with the colonel, he could not decide whose side he should take. Moreover, he struggled to understand when they did that thing Lady Cassandra talked about. Thank God Caroline was not there!
And thank God dear Jane did not know the particulars of the affair, or she would have been excessively distressed herself! It was indeed a most trying time for Charles Bingley.

  The Gardiners called, together with Mr. Bennet, and they were invited to stay for dinner. Elizabeth embraced her father, and a truce was settled between them. Mr. Bennet did not lose the opportunity to inquire whether she remained determined to betray him to Mrs. Bennet and was pleased to hear his daughter laugh and assure him she would forgive him just this once. Furthermore, Mr. Bennet declared that the stress he had been through during the last several days greatly affected his health, and he would need some days of complete solitude, preferably in Pemberley’s library! Mr. Darcy seemed disconcerted for a moment, and then hastily assured his soon-to-be father-in-law that he would be most welcome in any of their houses whenever he pleased. Mr. Bennet was content.

  The colonel was not his usually jovial self, nor did he appear to be in exceptionally low spirits. He spoke little, mostly with the Gardiners and Mr. Bennet, some with Georgiana and a few words with Elizabeth. After all that happened, Elizabeth felt more concern for him than anger, so she concluded that a smile and support would be more helpful than acrimony. Any punishment he might deserve for being arrogant and selfish in the matter of the duel, he would surely receive—in double measure—from Cassandra.

  The gentlemen’s separation after dinner was as brief as possible, and Darcy wasted not a moment in securing a seat near Elizabeth when he returned.

  “You seem very quiet tonight, Miss Elizabeth,” he said politely.

  Her eyebrow rose as her lips narrowed in a smile.

  “I depend on you, sir, to find an interesting subject of conversation so I will be quiet no longer.”

  “You seem preoccupied,” he whispered, his voice turning serious.

  “Oh, do not worry; ’tis nothing. I was merely thinking of Cassandra and Georgiana. The poor dear looked exhausted, and I insisted she should retire soon. The colonel, however, seems…well enough; he appears to bear the situation quite calmly,” she said. Her hidden reproach did not go unnoticed.

  “Elizabeth, please do not judge David from his appearance. His affection is sincere, and his feelings are as strong and honest as are his intentions. Unfortunately, the circumstances are uncommon.”

  Darcy was obviously struggling to imply more than he was saying, and Elizabeth, though curious and somewhat annoyed by his secrecy, made no further inquiries.

  “You must be correct as you know your cousin much better than I, and I am certain you would never allow him to hurt Cassandra. I do hope she is feeling better.”

  “The doctor said she was. She merely requires rest, as do you and Georgiana! You both should retire early; I am sure your aunt will understand. Miss Jane and Mrs. Hurst can keep her company.”

  “Yes, I will; however, I intend to visit Cassandra before going to bed,” she said, casting a quick glance at him. The memory of her previous night’s visit in his room and the mere mention of the word “bed” brought a fierce blush to her cheeks. She averted her eyes from his, mortified and furious with herself for such a reaction.

  “I am sure Cassandra will be pleased to see you. Mr. Gardiner and Mr. Bennet intend to stay longer, and I will join them; so I suppose I will retire quite late as we have business to discuss—real business,” Darcy said, after a moment of hesitation.

  She finally raised her eyes to his and struggled to smile as she replied teasingly, “Oh, I sincerely hope you are not planning another duel so soon.”

  He returned her smile and, hoping no one would notice his gesture, brushed his fingers against her hand. “You find great enjoyment in teasing me quite cruelly, Miss Elizabeth Bennet.”

  “I confess I do, sir.”

  They continued in the same manner, smiling and teasing one another on a variety of subjects; yet, their intense looks were speaking of what mattered most and words dared not express. There would be no chance for them to meet privately that evening. Their mutual regret was easily read in each other’s eyes, even more so as they were unlikely to have other intimate moments until their wedding. With Cassandra’s improving condition, Elizabeth and Jane planned to return to Longbourn the next day.

  Perhaps it was best; their nightly interludes had become increasingly perilous for their reputations—in every possible respect.

  ***

  Mrs. Gardiner insisted that Elizabeth and Georgiana retire for the night very early, and they eventually obeyed.

  In a room full of people, Darcy said a polite “good night,” bowing to Elizabeth, without even touching her hand. His tender gaze lingered only a few moments upon her face, but Elizabeth could feel his eyes burning her cheeks and lips. Flustered and mortified, she hurried from the room.

  She needed to rest—immediately—before she made a complete and irremediable fool of herself.

  An hour later, prepared for sleep and dressed in her nightgown with her hair about her shoulders, Elizabeth entered Cassandra’s chamber. Mrs. Spencer was seated in an armchair close to the bed. Cassandra seemed asleep, but the moment Elizabeth entered, she called her name.

  “Elizabeth, how nice of you to come and see me.”

  “I do not want to disturb you. I only wished to see that you are well.”

  “I am well, thank you. You are too kind to worry for me so much, kinder than I deserve…” Before Elizabeth could contradict her, she continued shyly, “Elizabeth, how is Georgiana? Is she still upset?”

  “She is upset, indeed; but it will pass soon, I am certain of that.”

  “Are you upset with me, too, Elizabeth? I thought you might not come to visit me again, after...” Cassandra’s voice sounded weak and hesitant, as if dreading the answer.

  “I am not upset; I am only concerned for you. How could you think I would not come to see you?”

  “I wonder what you must think of me…of my scandalous behaviour. I dare not ask how your opinion of me has changed.”

  “Cassandra, my opinion has changed but not in the way you think.”

  Elizabeth set near her and held her hand. “I have come to like you more with every day spent in your company, which is why I understood Georgiana’s anger when you said you would have rather died. That was cruel, unfair and so untrue! But I also understood your pain. I did not forget that, less than a fortnight ago on a horrible night, I said the same thing, and you were there to comfort me.”

  “I know I have been unfair. I hurt Georgiana so much! And David…it is true that he proposed to me and I refused him and then…it was not his fault, but mine! It was I who invited him to my bedchamber! But you must believe me, Elizabeth. I am not a wanton woman; I am not in the habit of—

  “Cassandra, please stop! There is no need to distress yourself or explain anything to me—

  “But I want to explain it to you! I do want you to understand, and then I beg you to help Georgiana to understand, too. I would never dare speak to her directly about such a scandalous subject; I simply cannot. Will you allow me to burden you with a dreadful story, a story I kept the deepest secret for more than four years? I know I am horribly selfish in exposing you to such a confession, but I cannot bear it alone any longer. I need a friend to help me carry it, to understand my fears and my nightmares. Because Georgiana was correct: I am so frightened, Elizabeth—so very frightened!”

  Elizabeth forgot to breathe at such an extraordinary outburst.

  “Cassandra, I will listen to anything you want to share with me. Just let me know in what way I can possibly help you, and I will not hesitate to do it.”

  An hour passed with only the sound of Cassandra’s quiet voice, weary and drained of emotion, as her eyes, weak from tears, stared persistently at Elizabeth. When she completed her story, Elizabeth had to remember to breathe again. She looked at Cassandra with wide eyes, afraid to believe what she had just heard and helpless in the face of her friend’s grief.

  “I do not know what to say,” she whispered, after a long silence.r />
  “I do not need an answer—only understanding,” Cassandra replied. “I hope you understand why I have not the courage to allow myself to suffer again.”

  “Is William familiar with this story?”

  “Yes. He and Mrs. Spencer are the only ones who met my husband and participated in the tragic events that followed.”

  “And the colonel?”

  “I told David the day after…you know. I invited him to my room—did I tell you that? I behaved so scandalously, so selfishly! I had already refused him a month ago in London and then, when I felt lonely and frightened, I asked him to keep me company. Afterwards, he insisted we should marry, and I persisted in refusing him, so he became angry. He seemed so affected, so hurt…and I could not bear for him to believe I was only toying with him, that I was a shameless woman…so I told him.”

  Elizabeth began pacing the room; she walked to the window, returned to Cassandra’s bed, and then stopped to stare through the window again. Finally, she resumed her place.

  “Cassandra, I would not presume to advise you in any way—I do not consider myself wise enough to do so. I just…your story is astonishing—you are astonishing for enduring so much grief, so much pain all these years and still remaining such a spirited, lively woman.”

  Cassandra laughed nervously. “Yes, it is a wonder I did not lose my sanity.”

  “Cassandra, mock your pain if you like, but I am sure you understand my meaning. Will you allow me to speak openly—to dare ask you a question?”

  “Yes, by all means. Please ask me anything; there is nothing I would conceal from you. I truly do not have other secrets, which is quite fortunate, is it not?”

  Cassandra continued to speak in jest about herself, but Elizabeth did not join her.

  “I understand now why you were so affected by the duel, and why you were so angry with William and the colonel. In truth, I am growing angrier myself! But you seemed to be confident in the colonel’s affection, and your words betrayed your own feelings for him. From what you have said, he cannot be blamed for what happened in the past. So why would you reject him?”