Remembrance of the Past

by Lory Lilian

  “Why reject him? But Elizabeth, I thought you understood! How can you ask such a question?”

  Cassandra seemed shocked and incredulous that Elizabeth was unable to see her reasoning, yet Elizabeth, who managed to regain some of her usual spirit, did not allow herself to be intimidated.

  “Yes, why? I beg your forgiveness if I upset you, but I see no motive. I imagine the memory of your husband is vivid, but he is not here and will never be again. It is not as if you were betraying him.”

  Cassandra startled and paled but did not reply.

  Elizabeth gently took Cassandra’s hand and caressed her hair as she often did with her little cousins. “Cassandra, I would not dare pretend to understand your pain and despair in losing the man you loved. But I sense that you are not afraid of suffering; it is being happy again that frightens you.”

  Elizabeth’s dark eyes sparkling with determination and affectionate support met Cassandra’s green ones: fearful, empty and almost lifeless. Then, a whisper broke the silence of the chamber.

  “Elizabeth, I do not even know if what I feel for David is real affection. He is so different from Thomas, and what I feel for David is so different from what I felt for Thomas.”

  “Cassandra, I am no expert in this. I have never fancied myself in love with any other man except William, but I imagine it is not possible to experience the same kind of affection for two different people. I mean, even with my own sisters…I do love all of them, I care for them deeply but in different ways. And look at Jane and myself; I am certain she loves Mr. Bingley very much, but she behaves so differently from me. Of course, she is more proper!”

  Cassandra laughed—a small, tearful laugh—and Elizabeth joined her.

  “Yes, I suppose you are correct.”

  “Then what is it? Do you doubt the nature of the colonel’s interest in you or yours for him? Do you think you might only be interested in…each other’s temporary company?” Elizabeth asked daringly, mortified that she had the courage to address such a question.

  Cassandra was obviously surprised and slightly embarrassed, but she did not avoid the question.

  “Elizabeth Bennet, you are a bright young woman, despite your lack of experience,” she replied, attempting a teasing smile. “I confess I did suspect that of David—at least in the beginning as I knew his disposition for flirting. I also accused him of a mercenary interest when I refused him.”

  “I watched the colonel for almost a week, nursing you and suffering for you, and though I am still very angry with him for his involvement in the duel, I can testify to the depth of his affection for you.”

  “Oh, I do believe you, Elizabeth. I no longer doubt his feelings—

  “But what about your feelings—your interest in David? I might upset you again, but I saw you with him while you were unconscious, and I can testify to your feelings as well.”

  “I. . . Except for my husband, I never. . . It was only David who. . .  I will not deny I enjoy his presence, his closeness, and I am sure you understand my meaning. But how could I marry him when we argue all the time? I am glad to see him, and I confess I did miss him when he was away. And I do think of him often, but I also disagree with him in so many ways! And he is so stubborn, so inconsiderate sometimes—as happened when he supported Darcy’s decision about the duel! How could I marry such a man? We would both be miserable. He deserves a more docile woman, a woman without a past like mine, a woman who will never compare him to another man. Do you not agree?”

  Elizabeth smiled and squeezed Cassandra’s hand. “In this I do have some advice as I have vast experience in fighting the man I love and will shortly marry! In truth, I am in the position of marrying the last man in the world I thought I would ever marry! Can you believe that?”

  They laughed again, a liberating laugh that seemed to bring them back to life.

  “Cassandra, as for what kind of woman the colonel deserves—well, you already said you two argue all the time, so you would likely argue in this, too. He seems to be convinced you are the woman he desires. Fortunately, there is time to give everything proper consideration. We may speak of this again soon when your health is completely restored. You have had enough torment for the first day of your recovery and must not distress yourself further, nor must you make a decision this moment. I doubt the colonel will return tomorrow morning with a renewal of his proposal.”

  “I doubt he will ever renew his proposal, especial after my outburst earlier this morning.”

  “Oh, I said that, too, a few months ago and was proved utterly wrong.” Elizabeth smiled.

  “Things were different with you and Darcy.”

  “Indeed they were, and I admit your situation is more difficult. However, as long as there is a chance of happiness, I am certain you will not let it vanish forever.”

  “But, Elizabeth…am I allowed to think of happiness when Thomas and our child are dead?”

  Suddenly, Elizabeth felt her hand trembling. How could she answer such a question?

  “Cassandra, I think…I think you should cherish the memory of your husband and child forever, but since God offered you the gift of love a second time, I believe you are not allowed to waste it.”

  ***

  Elizabeth walked through the main hall to her room, barely conscious of her own steps. Everything she had imagined, everything she had speculated in the last weeks was nothing compared to this extraordinary revelation. And the fact that Cassandra had actually asked for her advice, guidance and support was a responsibility almost too heavy to bear.

  She stopped to rest against the wall before reaching her door and almost screamed when she noticed a shadow approaching and felt two strong hands imprisoning her shoulders.

  “Elizabeth, what are you doing here? What happened? You look very ill!” Darcy’s voice reverberated strongly in her ears, and she was certain the entire house had heard him, but she did not care. She encircled his waist and nestled herself to his chest, her head leaning against his heart.

  He lifted her in his arms, carried her inside her chamber, and gently placed her on the bed. “Elizabeth, what is the matter, my love?”

  “Nothing is the matter,” she replied, raising her eyes to meet his. “Now that I see you, everything is fine. It is just that I spoke to Cassandra. She told me the entire story. . .  I am so grieved for her.”

  “I know, my dearest,” he whispered and leaned by her side to embrace her. She cuddled in the comfort of his arms and closed her eyes, melting in the warmth of his embrace.

  “And I am so angry with you,” she continued in a severe tone, though she remained in his embrace.

  Elizabeth, forgive me for keeping the secret from you, but I simply could not speak of something so intimate, so painful and so very personal for Cassandra. It was not my secret to share—

  “I do understand that you could not betray Cassandra’s confidence! I would never expect you to dare reveal such a tale without Cassandra’s consent. That is not why I am angry.”

  “Then it must be Cassandra’s confession…that she and David. . . It is true that David told me about the incident, but I could not find a way to discuss it with you.”

  “Oh, you must be the least perceptive man in the world! Or perhaps all men are alike, but I did not know until now.” She looked even angrier and Darcy was at a loss to understand why.

  “Then why are you so displeased with me? I do not know myself guilty of any other charge.”

  “Why?! You knew what kind of people the Markhams were! You knew the eldest had no scruple to murder Cassandra’s husband in the most dishonourable manner, and the younger was likely there to witness it! And you exposed yourself to such danger, risking your life for a stupid confrontation.”

  “So that is the reason. Elizabeth, trust me; I was in no danger! I was not alone; David and other witnesses were present. David would shoot Markham instantly if he attempted anything.”

  “Oh, what a relief, and what a consolation it wo
uld be for me to know Markham was dead were he to hurt you! Are all men so unreasonable, or is this just a trait on the Fitzwilliam side of your family?”

  She seemed sincerely angry, and Darcy struggled not to laugh. He simply could not understand her worry or her furious delayed reaction. After all, everything ended well, did it not? Elizabeth, usually possessed of a strong understanding, was simply being unreasonable. She could not understand what duty and honour require from a man! But then again—it was expected for a woman not to understand! That was why such things were always a gentleman’s business.

  He replied with an open smile, caressing the long hair entwined about her shoulders. “It is a Fitzwilliam family trait…but other men are even worse, so you must be content with having me.”

  He expected her to laugh, but she narrowed her eyes in obvious exasperation, laid herself against the pillows once more, and turned her back to him in an attempt to dismiss him.

  For some time only Elizabeth’s steady breath could be heard in the room, and Darcy was certain she was finally sleeping. “My dearest, loveliest Elizabeth,” he whispered and, with a last kiss on her temple, attempted to rise and return to his room.

  Elizabeth’s soft voice startled him, and to his surprise, she turned toward him and their eyes met.

  “William, if anything should ever happen to you…I will never be able to love anyone else ever again. My heart is so full of you that there would never be room for anyone else.”

  He frowned, unable to take his eyes from her, unable to speak, unable to breathe. He knelt near her bed and took her hand, gently taking it to his lips.

  “Nothing will happen to me, as long as it is in my power.”

  “Will you promise me that? Will you promise you will protect not only me, but yourself as well?”

  “I promise.”

  Elizabeth moved to the edge of the bed to reach his face and cupped it, and then her own lips met his in a gentle, lingering kiss. There was no passion in it, only tenderness, love and a promise for their future life—and their future happiness.

  ***

  Elizabeth was at last in the soft comfort of her own chamber at Longbourn. She felt as though she had been absent for a year, when only ten days had passed since Cassandra’s accident.

  She had departed Netherfield with a warm farewell from both Cassandra and Georgiana. Elizabeth was pleased to discover that Cassandra had gained enough strength and courage to speak to Georgiana personally and explain everything to her. The details and extent of their conversation remained their secret, and Elizabeth did not attempt to inquire further. What mattered to Elizabeth was that Georgiana—despite her shock at discovering Cassandra’s past—appeared to be as loving as ever toward Cassandra and inclined to accept her decisions.

  Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley accompanied them to Longbourn. Elizabeth felt equal parts pride and gratitude for her betrothed’s skill in talking to Mrs. Bennet and accepting her effusions of motherly love and deep admiration for everything Darcy said or did. Elizabeth’s eyes kept turning to Darcy, seeking his own—which were constantly cast toward her. When they met at the coffee table or sat near each other, their fingers brushed briefly as their smiles spoke wordlessly to each other. They were scarcely aware of Mr. Bennet’s amusement, Mrs. Bennet’s inquiries about the season in London, or Kitty and Mary’s shy attempts to enter the conversation.

  “Lizzy why are you so flushed?” asked Mrs. Bennet with obvious concern, and Elizabeth felt her face and neck burn even more. “You must take care of yourself, child. It would not do for you to fall ill before your wedding!” Then she suddenly stopped and turned to her soon-to-be son-in-law.

  “Mr. Darcy, you must not worry; Elizabeth has a strong constitution. I am sure she is not ill at all. It is just that she is very careless; she is always walking out among the fields. Oh, no, I did not mean to say careless! She is a very good girl, and I am sure you will be pleased with her. I will talk to her; you must not worry.”

  Mrs. Bennet grew more distressed and agitated; Darcy tried to hide a smile as he answered politely. “Mrs. Bennet, ‘pleased’ is a word that does not do justice to Miss Elizabeth. I confess I am indeed honoured that she agreed to be my wife.”

  “Oh, Mr. Darcy, you are a true gentleman! I cannot tell you how happy I am that you decided to marry Lizzy, though you did not want to dance with her in the beginning! And thank God she accepted you, as she was very angry with you, and she had already refused poor Mr. Collins—

  She stopped again, struck by her own words, covering her open mouth with her hands and looking desperately for her husband’s support. Mr. Bennet did nothing but smile, watching each of them with mocking interest. He was pleased to see his future son-in-law hiding a grin rather than being offended. Clearly, Darcy had undergone a vast improvement in temper since last autumn. Elizabeth, however, seemed in low spirits, and Mr. Bennet wondered with even greater amusement whether his daughter had exchanged her usual playfulness for her betrothed’s formerly bad humour.

  After a long moment, Mrs. Bennet moved to pour herself another cup of tea, and Mr. Bennet took pity on all involved in the silly conversation, inviting the gentlemen to the library for a drink.

  ***

  A moment after the gentlemen’s departure, Elizabeth claimed a sudden headache and expressed her wish for some fresh air. Before Mrs. Bennet could stop her, she grabbed her pelisse and bonnet, and escaped to the rear garden, greedily inhaling the cold breeze of the autumn evening.

  She gazed at the stars for a while, breathing deeply to calm herself. As much as she loved her mother, Elizabeth could not think without anger of her complete lack of decorum and constant insensitive and improper remarks; her behaviour continued to be as distressing as it was at the Netherfield Ball almost a year earlier.

  Fortunately, both Mr. Bingley and especially Mr. Darcy had improved significantly in their humour and tolerance. Elizabeth thought with tender gratitude of her betrothed’s civility in handling Mrs. Bennet and ignoring all the liberties in her long and unrestrained praise of her favourite son-in-law!

  “May I share this beautiful evening with you?” Darcy’s soft voice startled Elizabeth, and she turned to meet his adoring gaze caressing her face. He stepped closer and took her hand.

  “Are you trying to hide in the night? You should know by now there is no escape from me.”

  “And you should know by now that I have no intention of escaping you, Mr. Darcy,” she replied with a sweet smile. Darcy was certain that no star ever shimmered as brightly as her eyes. “How did you know I was here?”

  “I saw you from the library window and asked your father’s permission to join you.”

  “Gazing from windows is one of your more interesting habits, sir.” She smiled teasingly and took his arm as she started to walk along the lane.

  “So you are pleased with at least one of my habits?” he teased her back.

  “I am sure I will be pleased with many of your habits once I become accustomed to them, sir.”

  “I hope so. But I would be more than willing to change those habits of which you do not approve.” He was speaking in jest, but she could sense the promise behind his words. His palm covered her hand and their fingers entwined; she leaned against him, their bodies touching as they walked.

  “This evening was quite difficult to bear, was it not?” she inquired shyly a few minutes later.

  “What do you mean by difficult? Did anything happen?”

  “No, nothing happened…I mean…I know my mother can be very insistent sometimes. I imagine how tiresome it must be for you, all those—

  “Please believe me when I say there is nothing ‘tiresome’ for me about anyone in your family although I am a little bothered at constantly being compared to Mr. Collins. Are there many similarities between us?”

  Elizabeth frowned for a moment; then she began to laugh loudly.

  “No sir, not so many—except the fact that both of you are closely acquainted with Lady Catherine de Bo
urgh.”

  Heedless that, despite the darkness, they were in full view of the house, she rose onto her toes and kissed him passionately. Darcy seemed to resist for a moment, then he surrendered with equal fervour.

  After a time, determined to maintain a modicum of control, he gently broke the embrace.

  “We should return; it has turned quite cold.”

  “I rather enjoy the freshness of the cold air…especially if you are here to keep me warm.”

  “Still, we should return, and you should prepare to retire shortly. You have had such a difficult time lately that I wonder whether you slept one entire night through in the last fortnight.”

  “I am exhausted,” she admitted. “But you are wrong—I did sleep a few nights, quite soundly and restfully; you must remember that,” she added blushing, with a quick playful glance.

  “I do remember, but it was not enough. You must promise me you will try to rest as much as you can; in the meantime, I will call on you every day but will retire early.”

  “I shall rest as much as possible. However, I am not sure if I will succeed as I have been quite spoiled of late and discovered I sleep much better when I am being held,” she answered boldly. “So, if I am unable to keep my promise, I am sure I shall recover all the sleep I have lost after we marry.”

  Elizabeth could hardly believe she was flirting with him so shamelessly.

  “Miss Bennet,” he replied as he opened the door for her, “I strongly advise you not to depend upon that too much. I will do everything in my power to hold you in my arms every night—but I cannot guarantee anything regarding sleep. That is why I must insist and advise you to be perfectly rested before our wedding.”

  When they entered the drawing room, Elizabeth was still flustered, and her hands were trembling; she was the one who had started the teasing and flirting, but she could not believe he replied in such a manner, mere feet from her family. Of course, nobody heard them, but still…

  A few minutes passed, and everyone in the room was enjoying animated conversation—except Elizabeth. She knew she must look a sight with her reddened cheeks, staring at her hands and casting repeated glances at Darcy who was speaking with her father—but what else could she do? How could she possibly carry on an intelligent conversation when all she could think of was the picture of them, intimately embraced in an enormous bed, his strong arms holding her tightly—and not sleeping at all?!