My Ride, I Love You

by Patrick Rangsimant

  I look around the emergency room. Over thirty doctors are presented, tattered-looking, wild-haired, and not wearing their short gowns, which means they weren’t on duty. They willingly came here after receiving a call like I did. The exhaustion on their faces almost make them blend in with the patients.

  “Thanks a lot, Tawan.”

  P'Nok comes over to clap me on the shoulder. She wasn’t on duty, either. She was taking a walk near the hospital and thus was one of the first people who arrived to help. After a while, things got out of hand and she decided to summon everyone alive to combine strength.

  “No problem, P'. It’s okay to get such excitement once in a while.”

  When I say that, I’m not really sure if it's really just “once in a while.” Hospital is where uncertainty meets life cycle: birth, aging, suffering, and death. Perhaps before tonight even ends, there might be another wave of chaos like this… But next time I’d rather not have this. It’s energy-draining. I don’t want to be on duty when I’m off duty.

  “Very well, then, I’m leaving, P'Nok.”

  “Alright, go home. Sweet dreams, Tawan.”

  “You too, go back to sleep.”

  And I leave the ER…

  I finally have the time to check my cellphone…

  There’s no message. Oh, actually, that’s not right. I have a message from Nadia, saying he’s far away and can’t make it to the ER. There are also messages from my big brother, Saengtai, little brother, Daonuea, and from my parents.

  There is absolutely no message or missed call from P'Por…

  That is what I meant. There’s no message from the one I miss. None.

  I feel like there’s a big lump in my throat which I can’t swallow or cough out. In fact, since we parted ways at Paragon, I haven’t got any call or message from him. It’s as if once he goes home, we’re split apart and now living in separate worlds. I know he’s still in the closet to his family, and the time hasn’t yet been ripe for us to make that kind of progress.

  But sending a message shouldn’t be too much of a hassle. Just drop me a line before going to bed, right? I think about him and am still worried if he’s going to bed at a healthy time and if he had a good time at a Loy Krathong fair. Or is this also a step along the journey of being lovers? Maybe. But I don’t get it.

  I descend the stairs slowly, secretly wishing that maybe my dear P'Por will make a surprise.

  Who knows, once I arrive downstairs I might find that he’s waiting for me.

  A person’s life goes on with the fuel from hope, doesn’t it?

  There are only five more steps left before I reach the first floor.

  Oh, my wish, please come true.

  5

  4

  3

  2

  “Doc! Are you done?”

  I haven’t taken the last step yet when a familiar voice calls out to me.

  “Mork...what are you…”

  Before I can finish my question, he interrupts me with his own.

  “Doc, are you exhausted?”

  Chapter 14: Mork

  Because Tawan told me earlier.

  That he wants someone to ask him “Are you exhausted?”

  That’s why I’ve been here waiting to be that someone for him.

  It must be one of the few things I can do.

  Which can make him happy and can also make me happy.

  From my simple place, my position…

  The position which doesn’t mean his special someone.

  I’m not sure if it’s a coincidence, but on the same day, two persons have enlightened me on the same matter. The first one was Doctor Aim (whom I’ve never met, only read his article in that book) who taught me what to do when we fall into a one-sided love. Then, it’s Tawan who taught me what to do if we have no place, no purpose.

  On the surface level, these two things might seem irrelevant to each other. But they did solve a puzzle in my mind. What if we bear one-sided love, and not in the person’s heart? We can still make them happy and meanwhile make ourselves happy as well.

  At the same time, if we’re not satisfied with our current place or position, just pay it no mind. Better spend time thinking about what we can do from this position. If there’s something we can do, yet we don’t do it, then that’s regrettable.

  After dropping Tawan off in front of the hospital, I watched him dash and disappear into the emergency room, leaving a trail of dust behind. At first, I thought I was going home because it’s been a long day. Normally, on a holiday like this if I have no work, I would be taking a long nap in the afternoon. Today I chose instead to go to a bookstore, and bumped into Tawan. Then, we spent time together until late at night and now I suddenly realize my body is tired and weary, it needs to rest.

  I kick the side stand of my motorcycle up and prepare to start the engine.

  ...Right, even I feel exhausted.

  So exhausted I want to go straight home to sleep.

  If I am this exhausted, then what about Tawan?

  Earlier, he told me there was a mass accident or something and the emergency room was bustling, so he had to help his coworkers. When he ran in there, he was heading into waves of chaotic troubles that are awaiting. And no one knows how many hours it will take. I think Tawan must be equally exhausted as well.

  While I am about to go home, he, on the other hand, runs into the hospital to save other people’s lives. He runs into more exhaustion, even though today’s work is not within his duty or responsibility. I remember his face when he answered the phone. It was full of determination. He didn’t waste any second thinking, instead immediately said yes into the phone and told me to take him to the hospital.

  Normally, Tawan would complain about being scared when I speed, but today he didn’t. He told me to go faster, when his hand gripped so tightly on my shoulder, apparently from fear… Maybe doctors don’t become doctors just from education. I feel Tawan’s existence as a doctor goes beyond his skills and knowledge.

  I don’t know, I’m not good at explaining and I can’t verbally convey the picture I have. Tawan is one of those who make me feel warm and want to respect him at the same time when he’s around. Despite his exhaustion and the fact that it’s not his duty, there’s something within himself that drives him to run inside the emergency room. I guess that’s what we call “doctor’s spirit.”

  It dawns on me why he wants someone to ask him “are you exhausted?” at the end of the day when he’s finally off work.

  Because he has to bear the exhaustion everyday at work. Come to think of it, maybe a mototaxi guy like me can never understand the true extent of his exhaustion.

  Though I can’t understand, it doesn’t mean I can’t have compassion for him. It also doesn’t mean I can’t help relieve his exhaustion… I decide against starting my engine and push down the side stand with my foot again. I take out my cellphone and call Ar.

  “Mork! Where the heck have you been? It’s late at night and you’re not home yet.”

  As soon as he answers the phone, he yells at me passionately. I say he’s more of a mother hen than my own mom. Back home in Chumphon when I was a kid, sometimes I came home so late or almost at dawn, and mom never scolded me.

  “Welp! Ar Dej, take it easy. I went to a Loy Krathong fair.”

  “Heck, you’ve never gone to one before, what possessed you to go this year?”

  Oh...he has a point.

  “Um...Doc wanted to go so I went there with him.”

  “...Doc? Doctor Tawan we met the other day?”

  “Yah, the same one.”

  “And are you…?”

  His tone of voice changed after I told him about Tawan. He does not even complete his last question, but I know what he wants to ask.

  “I’m calling to let you know that I’ll go home a bit later tonight. He has an emergency at the hospital and I plan to wait for him.”

  “Why are you waiting for him?”

  “I dunno, Ar.”

&n
bsp; “Did he tell you to?”

  “Nah he didn’t, I just wanna wait.”

  Ar becomes momentarily silent. I know he’s using both his tolerance and his thoughtfulness to not curse at me. Although he and Loong didn’t say it directly, everything shows that they aren’t supporting me about Tawan. Don’t misinterpret it. When they told me about their past, it wasn’t to encourage me.

  I sense that it was actually a warning.

  To warn me that not everyone could be as lucky as they were.

  I was a monk before. I’ve learned that there’s something more to it than just a coincidence, for two people to be able to meet, to live together, and to share the feelings. It is an accumulative merit between the two. In order to continue together, you need something that you’ve built together. People have a much bigger chance at passing each other than at sticking together. If there’s some kind of bond that can link them to one another, it must be accumulative merits and fate.

  Not everyone has that.

  To be exact, I mean Doctor Tawan and I.

  The story between Ar and Loong is their own story.

  It can’t be measured in the same standards as Tawan and I.

  I think that’s what my Loong wanted to convey when he recounted his past to me that day.

  Right, I know how this will end, but so what? Doctor Aim and Tawan just made me realize whatever position we’re standing in, we can create some happiness for them while also finding our own happiness. And as long as we aren’t far apart, we should grab the opportunity to create a lot of happiness.

  Seize the happy day while it lasts.

  I smile at myself for mashing up this clever motto.

  “Suit yourself, then.”

  Ar’s short reply sums up what he feels.

  “Thank you, Ar. You can lock up, I have the keys.”

  “Fine… Just take care out there, okay?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  Then, each of us hang up the phone.

  Alright, while doc is in there saving people’s lives, I’ll sit right here waiting for him. If I can’t be the specific someone in his life, then, I will be the person who asks him “are you exhausted?” when he finishes work.

  Because I know that he will be happy.

  And his happiness will in turn feed the energy to my own happiness.

  …………

  “Wow, Mork, you’ve been waiting here or did you go home and come back?”

  He walks down the hospital stairs towards me, his face apparently tired but there’s a smile.

  “I waited for you here, didn’t go home. You haven’t answered me, doc, are you exhausted?”

  “Wait, what?!” Tawan looks at his watch. “You stayed here for over three hours? Why did you wait here?”

  I shrug. “I dunno what else to do, doc. Besides, you said it yourself, you want someone to ask you ‘are you exhausted?’ after work. And I happened to be free, so I waited.”

  I try to sound casual, keeping a neutral tone like how we talk to “just a friend” in fear that my feelings might leak into my voice and it might… I don’t know, might give him the creeps? I try to play it cool and make it feel like it’s a common thing you should do for a friend.

  “Yep, I am exhausted.” He finally answers my question. Despite saying that, he gazes up at me and broadens his smile. “But I feel much better now, thanks a lot, Mork.”

  “Anytime, doc. Are you going back to the dorm now? I’ll walk you there, or maybe you can ride on my motorcycle.” I’m not sure if we’re allowed to drive a motorcycle on hospital grounds, though.

  Tawan shakes his head while pouting. “Nope, I’m hungry again. Do you wanna find something to eat together?”

  Not waiting for him to ask again, I kick at my side stand while handing him a helmet. “Hop on, doc. I’ll take you to some late night diner around here.”

  “Hmmmm? Aren’t those mosquito bites?”

  He points at my hands and arms and I realize I have four or five red bumps, indeed.

  “Yah, I guess. Once you ask, I suddenly feel so itchy!”

  I reach to scratch a spot, but he swats my hand away.

  “No scratching!”

  “But it’s itchy, doc.”

  “I’ll give you an ointment later. Don’t scratch, it will be reddened.”

  “Okay, okay, doc. I won’t.”

  I surrender although I really want to scratch. Insect bites are weird, when we don’t notice the bump, it’s all okay. But once we notice it, it gets extremely itchy. I wonder if there’s a special mechanism that makes seeing affect the urge to scratch.

  Tawan puts on the helmet and climbs on behind me, his one hand holding my shoulder and the other hand on the rear grab bar as usual. I start my engine and turn to talk to him.

  “Doc, you can hold onto my waist. This looks troublesome for you.”

  “Eh?” He raises an eyebrow at me. “Didn’t you tell me you don’t like it because you’re ticklish.

  I snicker. “It’s okay now, doc. This is going to be a longer ride than usual, if you hang onto me like that your arms will be tired. Put your arms around my waist instead. I won’t drive fast. And don’t squeeze me too hard, or it will tickle.”

  One of his hands slides down from my shoulder to grab on one side of my waist, while the other hand lets go of the bar and grab the other side. I can feel that he’s barely holding both sides of my waist, fearing I’ll feel tickled.

  “Phooey! Doc.” I pull both his hands and reposition so that his arms wrap around my waist. “Hold onto my waist with your arms like this. And lock your own hands together like this.”

  “Bah, but then, my face is squished against your back, yuck, you stink of sweat.”

  “There’s no helping it. Blame your own arms for being short, bahaha!”

  Though he says I stink, he keeps his arms around my waist and rests his face on my back. The feel of his cheek pressed against my back is just… I wish time would stop right here.

  “You know, it’s the first time I’ve ever ride behind someone with my arms around their waist like this.” Tawan says.

  “It’s my first time to let someone put their arms around my waist on a motorcycle too. Okay, hang on tight, I’m taking off, doc, or we will never get any food.”

  I shift my gear and accelerate.

  “Where are we going? You said it’s a long ride.”

  I laugh. “A diner that opens till dawn. A bit far but I guarantee the food is great.”

  “If it’s far and food isn’t good, you’re in trouble!” He threatens.

  I don’t have anything to say to that, I simply wish it were even further, so that he would need to keep hugging me like this for a long time.

  …………

  “Which one is delicious?

  Tawan asks while flipping through the menu in the soft boiled rice diner.

  “Everything is delicious, doc. Just order anything. This auntie is famous for making excellent stir-fried dishes. Just order it, and she’ll serve like about anything. She makes all kinds of stir-fries.”

  “Does she have turtle whiskers and rabbit horns?”[53]

  He acts mischievous and leans in, his face becoming so close to me.

  I scurry backwards a little. Even though he hugged my waist and rested his face against my back all the way here, I’m not used to seeing his face up close like this. I’m afraid my heart will come up in my mouth.

  “N...nah, she doesn’t. Doc, order something that’s actually earthly.”

  I avoid eye contact. I’m glad I have tanned skin, or else he would have noticed that I am blushing.

  “Oh wow, they have abalone on the menu. Is this really a street-side diner? Why is it so fancy?”

  “I told you, she has about every ingredient.”

  He closes the menu book. “Grilled pork and egg stir-fried, please. With steamed rice.”

  I turn to place my order too. “Two servings in total, please.”

  “I thought you were going for
the abalone.”

  “Nope, I’ve never tried that and don’t know how it tastes. Don’t wanna risk getting something not tasty.”

  I laugh. “It’s expensive, how can it not be tasty, doc?”

  “That’s not always true. Not all that’s expensive is good.” And he taps his fingers on the table while wiggling his eyebrows. “But grilled pork will always be tasty, hahaha.”

  “You seem to be low-maintenance, doc.”

  “Of course, I’m the middle child.”

  I frown. “Why does being the middle child have anything to do with that?”