My Ride, I Love You

by Patrick Rangsimant

  He nods.

  “I’ve been gone in order to make it clear, doc. Rest assured.”

  Okay. I stay at the counter, waiting to pay for the drinks and to receive them. After our drinks are ready, I stand and drink mine right there without going to our table. I let Mr. Mayom be the one to bring a cup of hot coffee to Nadia. (Wait, what… Not iced coffee? Nadia usually drinks nothing but iced coffee.)

  Actually, though I’m further away, it is still within the hearing range of their conversation. I only promised to give them private time, doesn’t mean I won’t listen in on it. Well… Nadia is my best friend, I have to stand by and be all ears in case he needs me to go to a rescue.

  “Doctor, here’s your extra sweet latte.”

  He sets the cup down in front of Nadia.

  “I don’t drink hot coffee. You got a wrong order. Or a wrong person.”

  Whoopsie… Nadia is so deep in the role of a pouty one, I wonder if he’s been rehearsing it.

  “Dr. Nadia, are you pouting at me?”

  Mr. Barista smiles.

  “Nay, I’m not pouting. I just hate it when you suddenly disappear.”

  He still looks everywhere but at the barista and the cup of coffee.

  “I had something to take care of. I took a latte art class and attended a training for manager position.”

  Nadia turns to look at him.

  “And why did you have to keep it a secret? Why didn’t you tell me anything?”

  He hangs his head.

  “Because I didn’t know what kind of relationship we were in. Doctor, you went on a date with me, celebrated Loy Krathong with me, but you kept talking about guys who talked with you on Facebook. I didn’t know what to do and how to behave around you.”

  “So, when you didn’t know, you just went and disappeared without saying anything?”

  Nadia keeps pouting.

  “So, I went to learn to make this kind of stuff.” Mayom moves the cup towards Nadia. “I want clarity from you, I want to know what I am to you. And I’ve realized if I want you to be clear with me, I must be clear with you first.”

  “Doctor, take a look at your cup of coffee. Please?”

  His tone becomes gentler and softer.

  Likewise...Nadia’s facial expression softens while he looks down at the hot latte coffee in that cup…

  The latte art on top is heart-shaped, symmetrical and perfectly beautiful.

  “I like you, doctor. I like you a whole lot. No matter how ladylike you are. Even when you’re more muscular, taller, and stronger than me, I still want to be the one to protect you.

  I know I’m only a coffee shop employee, but I’ve taken manager training and one day I’ll open my own shop and build a successful future. I ask you for a chance… Will you please become a part of my future?”

  Nadia purses his lips into a straight line, while my heart is about to stop from anticipation…

  “I gave in since you said no matter how ladylike I am, you know.”

  Then, Nadia’s face lights up with a smile. “Silly you! Don’t ever disappear like this again. My heart sank.”

  I secretly note the moisture forming around the bottom lids of my best friend’s eyes.

  Mayom shakes his head.

  “I won’t disappear again. Never. I swear to you.”

  They hold hands and Nadia looks over the barista’s shoulder at me, mouthing a silent thank you. I nod and lift my iced Americano to gesture a goodbye while leaving the coffee shop. I better let them have their private time together a bit longer.

  A good friend should know the cue and leave the stage at the right time. At least today I managed to get Nadia’s problem out of the way. As for my own troubles, there’s always another chance to tell him. Today I prefer to let him relish this budding relationship… Nadia, I want you to be very happy.

  … Ding …

  A message notification.

  I look at the phone.

  “I noticed you read without replying.

  It’s understandable, you must be confused and might be thinking this isn’t true. If I were you, I’d think the same. Anyway, let’s just say I’m handing you a torchlight, so you can see everything more clearly.

  Didn’t Por tell you he’d be at home with his family? Come check on him at the condo. Enter the room. Don’t worry about the key card and room key. I left them with the condo’s security guard, in an envelope. Ask him for the keys and see for your own eyes. You will know the truth.

  Consider it a help from me.

  But if you are disinclined to accept my help…

  I have no idea how else to help you.

  Please, just trust me.

  I. Mean. Well.”

  Okay… Bring it on.

  Since I’m free anyway.

  Let’s get it over with, once and for all.

  Like Nadia said, good or bad, or how terrible, it will be okay.

  The only thing that is not okay, is ambiguity.

  I need clarity, and I will see it with my own eyes.

  …………

  Chapter 18: Mork

  “Sup! Ya finally get da hell back to work?”

  P'Fueang greets me when I arrive at the motorcycle taxi station.

  “Bahhh, bro, my kid visited me, I need some family time too.”

  I laugh impishly while looking around. It’s still early in the morning, and Sunday on top of that, so the station is empty except for the two of us. Other drivers aren’t here yet, as there aren’t many passengers at this time of the day. Business gets more bustling when it’s closer to noon.

  “Yea, I understand. And where’s the boy now?”

  “Staying at home. I left him with Loong and Ar for now so I can get to work. I’ll go home in the evening.”

  “Oh, how wassit yesterday? The doctor visited ya.”

  He asks with a covertly curious tone.

  “Oh yah, I still need to deal with you about this. You knew full well that I was staying home because the boy came here. Why didn’t you just tell him what’s going on? You had to take him all the way to my house, wow, scared the heck out of me. Took me by surprise. Luckily I had my clothes on properly when I came out to meet him, otherwise…” I’m miffed, but he cackles gleefully.

  “Ha ha ha! Bruh, doctor wanna see yer face, so I had to.”

  “Did he tell you he wanted to see me?”

  “No, he asked for ya, so I volunteered to take him t’yer house.” P'Fueang replies, shaking his head at me a little.

  “See, he didn’t say he wanted to see me. You simply had to answer his questions. Freaking easy.”

  “C’mon, it doesn’t matter. Tell me, he met ya and what next? He left right after?”

  “Uh…” I look away and lower my voice a little. “He stayed. All day.”

  “What d’ya say? Can’t hear ya.”

  “I said he stayed all day. Went out, and had dinner at home with us.”

  “No shit, hah!” He twists his lips at me. “Didn’t ya say yer kid visits and ya want some family time? Why’d ya welcome the doctor with open arms and spend all day with him? Does he count as family? Or is he a special someone for ya?” With the last sentence sounding sly, he teasingly wiggles his eyebrows at me.

  “What else could I do? Telling him to get lost?” I argue. “He went out of his way to visit me, and I figured he had no schedule, so I invited him to stay. That’s it. There’s nothing special about it.”

  “Yea, nothing special. Just that he missed ya and wanted to see yer face, and ya happened to miss him too. So he visited and stayed in yer house all day and had dinner together.”

  “We didn’t stay in my house all day! We went sightseeing outside.”

  Oh shoot… I spilled the beans.

  “Shh, there, there. Ya went out together. Hanging out all day like this, in English, it’s called going on a date, loony.”

  “Enough with the damn English lesson, there’s really nothing special. What do I need to say to make you believe me?”


  “Whatcha say doesn’t matter, Mork.” He stands up and walks over to get a cup of water from the cooler before taking a big gulp. “‘Cos yer face and yer voice both show it. Even if ya say ya hate him, yer tone of voice tells me ya like him a hell lot.”

  “I know ya friggin' well. We been driving here together since ya just moved to Bangkok. Yer like a little brother to me though we aren’t related by blood. How da hell could I not know whatcha thinking?”

  Then, he scoops another cup of water, for me.

  “Here, drink some water. Yer lips are dry. It’s a hot day.”

  I down the whole cup. “Maybe I actually like the doctor.”

  No use denying it, so I admit to him.

  “Not maybe, ya like him, sure as hell.”

  I squint my eyes at him.

  “You found out I like a guy and you aren’t even a little bit surprised?”

  “Miss Ai, my honey, was once a guy. Ya freakin’ loony!” He snorts out through his nose.

  “Yah, right. But Miss Ai’s appearance is a woman. It’s different when I like the doc.”

  “Didn’t I just tell ya I feel like yer my real brother though we aren’t related?” P'Fueang sits down next to me and gives me a heavy pat on the shoulder.

  “So no matter who ya like and how it is, I’m fine with it.”

  I stretch my body, flexing and relaxing some muscles, then sigh… Bah, today I sighed so many times already. I’m not usually like this.

  “I can only like him, admiring from a distance. I don’t think I’ll ever confess. We better be friends. I’m afraid he won’t look at me the same way if I tell him, and our friendship will be ruined.” Answering him, I keep my eyes on the cup in my hand. I don’t know why, but maybe I just don’t want to look him in the eyes while saying it.

  P'Fueang lets out a sigh even louder than mine.

  “Mork, don’tcha notice at all that the doctor has feelings for ya?”

  “Huh, what did you say?”

  I look away from the cup and at him instead.

  “I said he has feelings for ya.”

  He sounds so sure of his statement it confuses me. Where does his confidence come from? He’s saying Tawan likes me?

  “That’s nonsense. Doc has a boyfriend already. Besides, he won’t be interested in mototaxi drivers like us.”

  “Hah, you don’t believe me, fine! But I can see that he doesn’t see ya as a friggin' friend. Mork, ya loony. Sometimes ya just overthink it. When people fall in love, social status is only a factor beside many other things. It’s not a key factor.”

  “But aren’t we too different? He and I.”

  That’s how I see it. Difference isn’t an obstacle. But when the difference is too big, like how we are now, I can’t say it’s not an obstacle. That would be overly optimistic.

  “Ya got differences, but ya can decrease it, no?” He whistles.

  “If ya put in an effort, the difference can become smaller. D’ya remember when I was hitting on Miss Ai? I tried to learn to speak English. D’ya forget?”

  “I remember that. I even told you you didn’t need to speak English. You could speak in Thai because Miss Ai is Thai. Just happens to teach English.”

  He nods. “Yea, that. Back then, I felt our difference was too big, but I could also work on it to get closer to her. I practiced English, not to flirt with her in English, but it made me feel that the gap between us could be overcome by putting in an effort.”

  “Saying yer classes are too different is for losers, for those who dun even want to try to do anything to move up. And as far as I can tell from knowing ya, Mork…” He pats me on the shoulder again. “Yer not that type of person. Dun ever say that again.”

  “You’re right. Thank you, P'Fueang.”

  I give him a Thai salute. Then, he gets up to check the station’s whiteboard and see who all will be in and until when. Meanwhile, I sit and think hard about what he told me.

  It’s not that I can’t sense it. I’m not that stupid. I know Tawan feels good around me and it’s possible that he likes me, or something along those lines. However, both of us, meaning Tawan and I, know that it’s inappropriate. I’m a mototaxi driver, our social status is too different. And he already has a boyfriend.

  It’s an invisible wall, a thick one, that separates us. We can simply give each other smiles, conveying parts of the feelings through the wall. But we can’t actually be together and hold hands. I better be aware of it, accept it, and give up my feelings. Just like the conclusion I gave myself earlier, I’d rather be his friend like this and keep making him happy.

  Which also includes...pretending that I hadn’t seen anything last night...

  I don’t know why. But have you heard what they said? Secrets often bump into those who don’t want to know. I remember hearing it from a drama series. I’m surprised I remember this kind of thing. Maybe it’s because I disagreed at first, thinking how secrets can keep running into us when we don’t want to know. But now, it’s happening to me.

  Last night, after dropping Tawan off, I made a stop at 7-Eleven at the junction to buy some toothpaste and happened to spot Mr. Por and the other guy there. Although it’s from a distance, I am sure it was them.

  I remember that Tawan told me his boyfriend went home to see his parents. I guess Mr. Por lied to Tawan in order to spend his time with the other guy. As Tawan doesn’t have the key card and the room key, he can bring anyone to his room in Tawan’s absence.

  I must admit I’m angry, but what can I do? It was me who decided against telling this to Tawan. As long as the secret stays a secret, Mr. Por will likely keep doing this to Tawan. My monk mentor told me, once a person indulges in kilesa (defilements), it is hard to struggle free. This might be the case for him.

  And it was also me...wasn’t it? Who spent a whole day with Tawan yesterday. If he didn’t spend time with me yesterday, he might have contacted Mr. Por and might have happened to figure out the truth. To say I have nothing to do with it, that I’m above this mess, is wrong. I clearly had a hand in this.

  Sometimes I question myself.

  Whether I am contributing to Tawan’s happiness?

  Or if I am merely being selfish…

  “Mork.”

  I whip my head up to see the caller.

  “Oh… Doc.”

  Tawan is standing in front of me. I feel as if my heart skips a beat before gradually pounding faster. In the middle of my thinking about him, he suddenly appears right in front of me. I’m about to start smiling at him, but his facial expression stops me...

  “What’s wrong, doc? Why you look so upset?”

  “Take me to the condo, please. Now.”

  He gets closer, seeming in no mood for a greeting or conversation. I glance at the time, it’s still early in the day. I guess Mr. Por and the other guy still haven’t left the condo room yet. If I take Tawan there, shit will hit the fan for sure. What am I to do…

  “Hey, doc” I try to sound cheerful. “There’s a new cafe that’s just opened in this soi.”

  “New cafe?”

  He tilts his head questioningly.

  “Yah, the other day you asked about a cafe, right? There’s one that’s newly opened and I haven’t been there yet. Today there aren’t many passengers, how about we go there for coffee first? No need to rush to the condo.” Hopefully I’m doing good in hiding the real emotions underneath my expression and tone.

  It does not work, though. Tawan shakes his head, still looking stressed.

  “No, thanks. I don’t want to go anywhere now. I want to go back to the condo. It’s an important matter.”

  “Awww, doc, coffee won’t take long. Go with me, pretty please?”

  Tawan gives me a furious glare, his voice carries a hint of irritation.

  “Mork… I beg of you. Please. Stop joking, just this once. This is a serious matter.”

  I tighten my lips… Doc, I don’t want you to get into a painful situation, so it’s a serious matter for m
e too. Deep down, I have a hunch that his coming to the condo this morning has other significance than a normal Sunday visit to the boyfriend’s room.

  “Um...doc… Have you eaten yet? Breakfast? Shouldn’t we go find something to eat before you go there. It won’t take long. I think your boyfriend is…”

  “If I’m not done with this matter, I won’t be able to eat anything.”

  Tawan cuts me off before I finish.

  “If you keep joking with me like this and won’t take me to the condo, it’s fine. I can ask P'Fueang instead. I really need to get there.”

  He starts walking to P'Fueang, who’s sitting at the other end of the Win’s kiosk.

  “Why do you seem so stressed… I have a bad feeling about this.”

  “Mork, there’s something I need to see for myself. Please take me to the condo.”