My Ride, I Love You

by Patrick Rangsimant

  I can now feel his voice trembling, even if a little…

  This reminds me of my elder monk mentor’s words. There is no secret in this world. Despite how hard you try to keep it a secret, it is bound to be discovered someday. There’s no secret we can take to our grave. It is only a matter of time, whether it is to be revealed while we are still alive or after we are already dead.

  Since I found out that Por is cheating on Tawan, I’ve anticipated it to be discovered. I just didn’t expect myself to be present in the incident when it is happening. I guess it is my own fault for being heedless. Things we don’t expect to happen to us often happen to us. Do not just think, but prepare for it. Yet another wisdom from the elder monk…

  So, am I prepared?

  I truly have no answer for this.

  Looking at Tawan’s face… He is possibly not prepared either.

  But he wants to see it.

  And the one he chose to take him to see it...is me.

  Another duty of a friend, right?

  Though I feel reluctant…

  I really can’t let him go all by himself.

  So, this is my conclusion.

  “Okay, doc. No joke, alright. Hop on.”

  I hand him a safety helmet. “To the condo, right?”

  I want to say “Are you sure you want to go there?” but I bite my tongue just in time to stop it. I am sure he has made a firm decision before arriving at my station. Asking is futile.

  He takes the helmet, puts it on, and nods.

  “Hurry. I want to get there quickly. Go as fast as possible.”

  He climbs onto the passenger seat and wraps his arms around my waist. I can feel his hands trembling slightly. And when his chest presses against my back while on the ride, I can feel his racing heart. Actually, I am not sure if it is his heart or mine that is beating so fast. I guess both.

  Moreover, I can tell... that the fast beating isn’t from a positive excitement. We are both anxious about what is going to happen in the near future.

  Honestly, although I don’t like this Por guy, I am hoping that right now he’s awake and has sent the other man home already. So that doctor won’t find anything today and things will pass smoothly.

  Not that I want Por to get away with this. I want karma to come back to bite him in the ass someday. Any day but today. I don’t want Tawan to hurt. I don’t care about Por. It’s only that Tawan’s heart is with him.

  And I just...don’t want my beloved one to have a heartache.

  “Mork, drive faster.”

  Tawan demands. I glance at him without saying anything. I’m not changing my speed, because the condo is at most a hundred meters away now. Going faster or slower doesn’t matter anymore.

  I park in front of the condo and Tawan rushes over to the security guard cabin. I see him talking to a guard and taking a brown envelope. He then returns to me and hands the helmet back after taking it off. So I notice that the envelope contains a key card and a room key.

  “Thanks a lot, Mork.”

  Tawan pays the fare.

  “Alright...doctor.”

  I don’t know what else to say, so I just accept the money.

  “I’m going up. Can you…” he forces a smile onto his face. “Can you tell Khai I said hello? Tell him P'Mor misses him and wanna see him again.”

  “Sure, doc.”

  I nod and watch him enter the condominium. Once he’s out of sight, I take out my phone… And call P'Fueang. “Heyya… Bro, I’m skipping work for today.”

  “Eh, what the… What’s going on? Are you ditching work to go somewhere with the doc?”

  “Nah… I’m…” I don’t know how to explain it to him.

  Right now, Tawan must be going up an elevator to the room. In a few minutes, he will unlock the door and go in, using a key that an unknown person left with the condo’s guard. And when he enters the room, he will see…

  I don’t want to picture it.

  I don’t want to think about how Tawan will be.

  I relive my own memory of when I found out that Fern had been cheating on me with another guy and taking him to our dorm room. The room which I rented and paid for us to live together. Although it’s been a long time, long enough for my heart to replace Fern with someone else, the memory of my feelings that day is still clear. I know how painful it is, so painful I don’t want to think about it.

  And if the same kind of pain is to happen to Tawan…

  And since I can’t stop it from happening.

  The best thing I can do is...to wait for him, right here.

  “I’m so sorry, bro. Please understand. I really…”

  “Yea… Okay, okay. Others are starting to arrive. Ya can skip for now. But let me tell ya something, Mork...”

  “What is it, bro?” I look at the condo’s entrance again. A part of me wishes Tawan will walk back out with a smile on his face, saying it’s nothing and he was only overthinking it, and then tell me to drive him back to the hospital.

  “Consider it carefully before ya take any action.” He warns.

  “I’m always considerate, don’t worry.”

  “No… I know that. What I meant is, think about yer own feelings as well. Consider it carefully. That’s it.”

  And he hangs up from me, leaving his words swimming around in my head.

  Think about my own feelings...too?

  …………

  Half an hour later…

  Tawan walks out of the condo.

  His face teary, his eyes and nose all red.

  He looks at me in my straddle position on the motorcycle.

  “You already knew it, didn’t you?”

  That’s the first thing he asks.

  “Doc, I...”

  I’ve been prepared for many possibilities. During the whole thirty minutes he’s been gone inside of the condo, I’ve been playing different scenarios in my head, what will happen and what to do when he comes back. The only thing I am not prepared to handle is this question.

  “You already knew it. That’s why you tried to make me go somewhere else with you. Right, you’re stationed here, you must have seen it. When did you find out? How long ago?”

  When I don’t reply...Tawan presses harder for the answer.

  “Why didn't you tell me? … Why, Mork?”

  “Doc, I...I’m sorry.”

  “Why wouldn’t you tell me… Why did you let me be such a fool?”

  His tears flood his red bottom eyelids and trickle down his cheeks.

  “Mork, I’m a temporary substitute! P'Por is still going out with his ex-boyfriend. I’m just his bed-warmer.”

  Then, Tawan throws his whole body on me while bawling. His small fists pound repeatedly on my chest. I can but hug him. I can feel his trembling body and his pouring tears which damp my shirt. I’ve been wanting to hug him, been wanting it for a very long time, but not in this kind of circumstance.

  I gently stroke his hair with a hand.

  “Doc, sorry. I’m sorry.”

  I keep repeating as if it were my fault. I really have no words for this. I don’t know anything better to say. I know it’s not my fault that Mr. Por is a two-timer. I didn’t even realize that the other guy wasn’t his new lover, but his ex.

  But I’m a dull person, alright.

  I don’t know what else I can say to comfort Tawan. So if I act like it’s my fault and say sorry, if I take all the blame and he will stop crying, then, I’m willing to take any blame there is. I just want him to stop crying, stop hurting.

  “Doc… Shhh, calm down.”

  I whisper to him.

  “I’ve been kept as his secret lover, Mork. I’m just a substitute.”

  Tawan keeps crying his eyes out, which prompts the guard to come over to check on him. I shake my head and put up a hand signal for no. He seems to understand and nods before going back to his position. I slowly walk Tawan to the outside of the condo’s perimeter and sit us down on the pavement.

  “Why is it? Why?�
�

  Tawan doesn’t seem like he will stop crying anytime soon. He keeps his grip tight around me and his face buried against my chest. I can feel that my shirt is now soaked with his tears.

  “Calm down, doc. Grownups don’t cry, okay?”

  I have no idea what to say, so I try to comfort him using the same pattern I use with Khai, although I know it won’t make him stop crying.

  “I can’t stop crying, Mork.”

  He weeps.

  He continues to cry, completely ignoring those passersby on the pavement who turn their heads or stop walking to look at him. It’s not everyday you can see someone in a doctor gown sitting on the pavement with his head buried against a mototaxi guy’s chest while crying.

  I know he is suffering so deeply.

  And I also don’t care how other people will look at us.

  “Then, keep crying.” I stroke his hair again. “Cry all you want. I’ll be here with you, doc. I won’t let you cry alone.”

  I will sit here with you until your tears stop flowing, doc.

  I promise…

  …………

  “Hungry…”

  Tawan looks up from my chest.

  “Huhhh? What did you say?”

  I look down at his face, his eyes and nose are so red beyond any comparison I can ever think of. He has a runny nose, too. My hand is still stuck in a stroking position on his head.

  “I’m hungry. I have no energy to cry anymore.”

  Oh, right… I didn’t realize he stopped crying for a while now. And what is this? I thought his tears had run dry, but nah, he’s simply hungry. Damnnnn doctor.

  “That’s to be expected, no? I asked you if you ate anything yet, and you ignored me.”

  “I woke up and went to round the ward, only had a coffee.” He wipes both types of liquid from his face and gives me a weak, stiff smile. “I haven’t eaten. Now I’m so hungry I feel like fainting.”

  He stands up and dusts off his pants. As for me, it’s quite hard to get up because I’ve been sitting in a weird posture to let him cry against my chest and my legs went to sleep.

  “I’m sorry for hitting you.” He helps me up. “It’s not your fault. And I made you miss work. What a nonsensical reaction, crying until your uniform is such a mess.”

  I look down at my vest. Oh, right, it’s all wet from tears and stained with his snot.

  I shake my head. “Nah, doc. I’m glad to be here with you.”

  Who the heck could let him sit here and cry all alone?

  “Take me to a meal.”

  “But...won’t your boyfriend…”

  Tawan shakes his head. “It’s ended. He won’t come after me.”

  He walks to my motorcycle without looking back at the condo even once.

  “So, what do you want to eat?”

  I give him the helmet.

  “Anything you think is delicious.” He puts the helmet on once again.

  “I’m heartbroken, anything will do. But it must be delicious.”

  I nod and start the engine.

  “Right on, I’ll choose, then. Do you trust me?”

  Tawan doesn’t answer. Instead, he climbs up the seat and holds tightly around my waist, resting his face against my back. That’s his answer. I switch the gear and take off.

  “Doc…”

  I turn my head and talk to him while leaving the condo.

  “What is it, Mork?

  He asks, tightening his arms around me.

  “Tonight… I think you shouldn’t be alone.”

  Chapter 19: Tawan

  Sunday morning, and now I’m in front of P'Por’s condo room.

  I carefully insert the key.

  A part of me hopes it doesn’t open the door, hopes all of this is just a lie. But the key card does work, and the key perfectly slides into the keyhole. There seems to be no possibility of this being a prank anymore. If I stop right here, it will end at just the thoughts in my head and the messages from “the person who meant well.” But if I turn this key and open the door…

  Things will escalate beyond that…

  But didn’t I tell myself that I needed clarity? Now, in front of me, there lies the door of clarity. There is more beyond it than merely turning the key and opening the door. Moreover, I didn’t rush out from the hospital only to stand here and hesitate right in front of the door.

  I turn it, unlocking the door. My feet slowly lead me into the room. Despite knowing that what I’m about to see will end the relationship between P'Por and me, I can’t resist the movement of my feet and the pull of curiosity. Like I said, I need clarity. So, I make my way into our bedroom.

  Of course, P'Por is in the bedroom…

  So does a man that looks familiar to me.

  As expected, he is P'Por’s ex-boyfriend…

  I can’t remember what all I say.

  I also can’t remember what P'Por replies.

  And I can’t remember when his ex comes near me.

  P'Por hugs me, saying something I can’t understand, and his ex touches my shoulder, soothing me with words I don’t even want. Disgust lumps in my throat and tightens it. The familiar hug becomes something else I can’t tolerate, and I shove him away, shouting words I can’t remember.

  I can’t remember when my tears start to flow.

  I can’t remember when I leave the room.

  I also can’t remember if P'Por comes after me.

  I can’t remember if I say goodbye.

  There is only one particular sentence that keeps echoing in my head.

  “I didn’t expect the two of us to grow this intimate.”

  His “the two of us” doesn’t mean him and his ex, it refers to him and me. He didn’t expect that our relationship would become this deep. Is that so? He didn’t mean to let it come to this? He didn’t mean to be my boyfriend? Why? How could he say that…? I can’t understand.

  What about when he was so sweet to me?

  What about the letters in the brown envelope back then?

  And what about when he often said that I was his special someone?

  Were those what he would describe as “too intimate” as well?

  Because as far as I can recall, the one who first said we were “boyfriends” wasn’t me, but him.

  And I remember that the one who started this relationship was also him, not me.

  The conversation between the three of us soon ends but I can’t remember when. I don’t even know it’s now coming to a finale. It’s like they both have the whole script of the play, have read and figured it out, and so they know what’s going to be the next scene, next act. Whereas I haven’t, and I know nothing. It’s as if I am a character that’s been dismissed from the stage when my role is done.

  I’ve been kicked out of the play.

  Having no idea why I even bother to join it in the first place.

  And I’ve just realized at the last scene that the role I’ve been taking was but a temporary secret lover.

  I can’t remember how I walk out from there, but I know I put the key card and room key on a table in front of P'Por’s bedroom. There’s no need for me to come here anymore, besides these aren’t mine to begin with. The owner merely lent them to me to let me see the truth clearly.

  In the same sense, I’ve been temporarily borrowing P'Por from his true partner...

  When time comes, I must return him even if I don’t want to.

  Because he’s not mine.

  I can’t remember how I ride the elevator down and exit through the building door. Everything feels half real and half surreal. I feel like I’m treading on the cloud. My feet feel so light, like they have no weight. It’s like I’m drunk, even without drinking. Everything I see is but a blurred vision.

  Everything, except Mork…

  He’s waiting for me in front of the condo, leaning against the same old motorcycle, wearing his usual expression that makes him seem awkward and shy. It’s the look of when he doesn’t know what kind of face to make, when
he doesn’t know what to say. Right at the moment, it shines on me bright as day… He must have known it. Mork already knew.

  “You already knew it, didn’t you?”

  I ask him.

  “Doc, I...”

  When he doesn’t answer and turns his head away to avert his gaze, I grow more sure of it.

  “You already knew it. That’s why you tried to make me go somewhere else with you. Right, you’re stationed here, you must have seen it. When did you find out? How long ago?”

  I don’t know where my rage comes from.

  I don’t know why I’m angry at him.

  And the longer he stays silent, the more it hits me that he knew about this all along.

  “Why didn't you tell me? … Why, Mork?”

  “Doc, I...I’m sorry.”

  I no longer have the strength to stand on my own. The hurt and anger both barrage me at the same time. I throw my whole body on him. He catches me and hugs me close. I press my face against his chest and cry my fill. Despite me pounding my fists on his chest, he holds me and caresses my hair while repeatedly saying sorry.