Forgetting to Breathe

by Megan E. Bean

  “What is your type?” I questioned. I was surprised I had mustered the courage to ask.

  “Hmm, let’s see.” She acted as though she was in deep thought. “Brunette, female—definitely.” Her smile grew and I rolled my eyes. “Total nerd, funny,” she drew out. I saw her eyeing me up and down and my stomach was going crazy.

  I didn’t know how to react. I couldn’t think straight. She was talking about me, right?

  “Sounds very…specific,” I finally managed to get out.

  “Very,” she said, staring at me, intensely. Luckily, she turned her attention back to the TV, relieving me of the speechless state I was in.

  As the game went on, my brother and his friends got more drunk and loud. It was becoming very hectic and annoying. Not to mention, I was bored out of my mind watching football.

  “Hey, I have an idea. Wanna go somewhere?” I asked her.

  “Sure, where?” She turned her attention to me. “Don’t say your bedroom, because I don’t put out on the second date,” She joked. Second date?

  “No,” I laughed. “Bold of you to assume I am that type of girl,” I quipped, and was proud of myself. She was, too, judging by the smile on her face. “Come on,” I invited and got off the couch.

  * * * *

  “What the hell is this?” she asked me, giggling a little.

  “This is a sacred space,” I answered as I crawled in the tiny doorway of my club house.

  “Scared, huh?” she made fun of me, following me inside.

  As we repositioned and got more comfortable, I continued.

  “Very. This has been a home away from home for years. Jenny and I built this when we were kids.”

  “I can tell.” She laughed. It was a little shabby, I’ll give her that. “You said you and Jenny?” she asked, and suddenly there was a pit in my stomach.

  “Yeah,” I answered. I didn’t know what else to say.

  “So, I want to say something.” She positioned herself so that she was sitting with her legs crossed. I nodded for her to continue. “The other day…I didn’t mean to shut you out,” she sounded timid now. I wasn’t used to seeing her like this.

  “Oh, no, it’s okay—”

  “No, it isn’t,” she interrupted me, in the nicest way possible. “I just…” she trailed off, trying to find her words. She sighed before blurting out “I got jealous,” looking down at her hands.

  Jealous? She was jealous? Of Jennifer and I hanging out. Of course she was, I was an idiot. I needed to tell her the truth.

  “I know it’s ridiculous. And it’s not your fault. We are both going through break ups and I never really told you how I feel about you—”

  “How you feel about me?” I cut her off on accident. I couldn’t help it.

  She looked up at me now and gently spoke her reply. “I like you.”

  My heart almost burst. It was beating so hard in my chest right now that I thought I might die. Wouldn’t that be ironic?

  “You like me?” I could barely utter the words.

  She smiled and rolled her eyes playfully. “Duh, Mitchell. You can’t tell me you didn’t know.”

  I admit, I had suspicions. But part of me thought they were delusions. I thought maybe I was reading too much into things, blinded by my own fondness of her.

  “Even after hitting you with the golf club?” I cringed.

  “Especially after hitting me with the golf club.” She laughed before continuing. “But I don’t want you to feel pressured. Even if you don’t like me too, I hope we can still be friends. You make me laugh harder than anyone else ever has. And I can be myself with you. It’s really nice. But I know that you and Jenny just broke up, so you may have feelings for her still—”

  She rambled on and I zoned out, staring at her. She liked me. Keira fucking Mitchell, hottest girl in school, liked me. And my God, she was so cute when she was unsure of herself and babbling.

  I don’t know where I got the nerve to do what I did next, but I leaned over and cut her off. I had the sudden urge to kiss her. I couldn’t help it. I kissed her softly, shushing her. It only lasted a couple seconds, but it was the best couple of seconds of my life.

  Her lips tasted sweet, like peppermint. I wondered if she had expected this kiss to happen. But then panic set in. Did I really just kiss her?

  I pulled back quickly, but I didn’t make it too far. Suddenly her hands were in my hair, pulling me into her. Her lips were on mine again. This time, the kiss lasted longer. They were small, soft kisses, and they drove me wild. I had to remind myself to breathe, again.

  She moved her lips from mine, both of us needing to catch our breath. I could feel her smile, and I mirrored her. My heart was pounding. All I could focus on was her lips. I never wanted to stop kissing her.

  “Is this okay?” she breathily asked me.

  “Shut up,” I replied and captured her lips again. This time, I felt her tongue at my lips and I immediately opened my mouth to accept it.

  Her hands moved down to my waist, gently, but firmly tugging at them, pulling me into her lap. I was straddling her and kissing her deeper now. I clung to her body.

  She started kissing me harder and a small moan slipped out of my mouth. I would have been embarrassed, had it not caused her hips to buck up against me. That caused another groan to fall out of my mouth.

  “God, you’re so hot,” she mumbled against my mouth. The tone of her voice sent chills down my spine. I had never wanted someone so badly in my entire life.

  Her hands were making their way up my back and under my shirt. The feeling of her bare skin against mine was almost too much to bear. I felt like I was going to explode before we even took our clothes off.

  “Oh my God,” I heard. It confused me, because it didn’t sound like Keira. I was even more puzzled when she pulled away from me.

  After the fog cleared up in my head, I realized what was happening. Jennifer was in the doorway. I only caught a glimpse of her before she ran off.

  “I’m so sorry, Ashley,” Keira said to me. I think it was the first time she had said my first name.

  I looked away from the door and back at her. She looked truly apologetic. And it made me feel terrible, because she had no reason to be. But still, why had Jenny been so upset? We had patched things up.

  “No, don’t be sorry. It’s okay,” I smiled at her.

  I should have gone after Jennifer, if I was a good friend. But I was under Keira’s spell. Even after she insisted that I see if my best friend was okay, I declined.

  The mood was ruined, but my new love interest and I still hung out for the rest of the day. We had stolen a few more kisses from each other, but it never went any further than that.

  If I hadn’t been so caught up in pursuing my new relationship and had taken a closer look at what was going on, I would have seen that Jennifer was hurt, because she had fallen in love with me.

  Chapter 10

  After our second date, as Keira dubbed it, I was walking on air. Sadie didn’t seem too bothered by it, not that we were paying any attention. We were in our own little bubble.

  Keira was now permanently sitting next to me in math class. I could feel her staring at me. “What?” I asked her, seeing her out of my peripherals.

  “You look really beautiful today,” she said casually.

  I looked over at her and she was staring at me, with a serious look on her face. A blush crept up through my face. I looked back at the front of the class and muttered, “Shut up.” A smile was splayed on my face, though.

  * * * *

  After math, I was still reeling from how Keira had been making me feel. I had never experienced anything this strong before.

  How had I gotten so lucky? I was in a state of bliss, to say the least. I had the hottest, sweetest, funniest girl. She actually felt the same about me. It was unreal.

  But still, as the classes went on, I felt something nagging at me. The Jennifer situation. I realized that I might be a bit self-absorbed, I hadn’t b
een treating my best friend the way a best friend should. She had gone out of her way to help me get this far with Keira, and I wasn’t paying attention to her feelings.

  What were her feelings, though? That was the confusing part. She had made this plan and it had worked, so why was she upset?

  Maybe I was drifting apart from her. But really, it was only a day or two that I hadn’t been with her. Every time she dated, I respected that she wouldn’t be around as often. So why couldn’t she do the same for me?

  I decided I needed to just talk to her, to clear the air.

  When lunch came, I sat down with the boys and Ariel.

  “Have you guys seen Jenny?” I asked them all, and received shaking heads from them. There was no sign of her in the cafeteria.

  I started to get up to go look for her, but I heard Keira’s voice behind me.

  “Mind if I sit here?”

  “Hi. Yes, of course you can,” I replied and sat back down. She smiled and took a seat next to me.

  As ashamed as I am to admit this, once I saw her, all thoughts of Jenny went out of my head.

  My friends stared at Keira, anxiously. I blushed a little and introduced them.

  “Keira, this is Jacob, Johnny, and Ariel. Guys, this is—”

  “Keira Mitchell. Hottest lesbian in school,” Jacob interjected.

  “Jacob!” I scolded him. Keira laughed.

  “Well, thank you. I see my reputation precedes me,” she replied and smiled, cockily.

  Everything about her was perfect to me. Her witty comebacks, however, were my favorite.

  Ariel eyed her up and down for a second before joining the conversation.

  “So, you’ve dated quite a few girls, huh?” she blatantly asked. I have no clue where this was going, but I did not like it.

  “I guess you could say that,” my brunette replied. She shifted uncomfortably.

  “So, are you a player?” Ariel grilled her.

  “No. God, no,” Keira immediately replied.

  “Ariel,” I said, warning her. The last thing I needed was for her to scare Keira off.

  “Hey.” She put her hands up, in a surrender gesture. “I’m just making sure you aren’t just going to use and abuse Ashley.” She defended herself and I wanted to crawl into a hole.

  “No,” Keira started, looking at me and giving me a gentle smile before continuing. “That is the last thing I would ever do. I really like Ashley,” she answered, and I absolutely beamed. I couldn’t help it.

  “You do, huh?” Ariel pondered for a moment. Jacob and Johnny were just enjoying the show. “What do you like about her?”

  “Ariel, stop,” I said, firmly this time. This was getting awkward.

  “No, no, it’s okay,” Keira said. “I like how she is incredibly smart. So smart that it teeters on the edge of being nerdy. I love that she is clumsy. Even if it is at my expense sometimes.” We laughed, thinking about the golf club incident. “I like that she makes me laugh more than anyone I have ever know in my entire life. I like how she blushes whenever people compliment her.” As you can imagine, I was blushing at that moment. “I like how she gets frustrated and scrunches up her face when she can’t figure out a math problem—”

  “Okay, okay. You have my blessing,” Ariel interrupted. Even though I was blushing like crazy, I was disappointed at Ariel’s interruption. I wanted Keira to continue.

  “Get a room, girls,” Johnny said, in a jokingly, disgusted manner.

  They continued on with their normal conversation, arguing whether tater tots or potato wedges were better.

  Keira and I shared a smile and I felt her hand move on top of my knee, squeezing gently. Butterflies were invading my stomach. I fought them off and covered her hand with mine.

  * * * *

  After lunch, Keira decided to walk me to class. She carried my bag for me and everything.

  “You’re being very sweet,” I said to her.

  “What can I say?” She smiled at me. We pushed through the sea of students. “So hey, how is Jennifer doing?” she asked me out of the blue.

  “Oh,” I started off. I had forgotten that I was trying to find her earlier. I was the worst best friend alive. “I actually haven’t heard from her. Or seen her.”

  Keira stopped walking and grabbed my hand, pulling me out of the walkway. “You guys haven’t spoken at all?” She sounded concerned.

  “No, not really,” I tried averting eye contact with her. I felt terrible.

  “It’s because of me, huh?” she asked, guilt in her voice.

  “No,” I denied. “It’s just…I don’t know what it is actually.” I ran my hand through my hair, frustrated.

  “I’m sorry if I came between you two,” she apologized.

  I found it ironic, since I had intentionally come between her and Sadie.

  “No, no,” I grabbed her hand this time. She looked from the floor, up to me. “It’s not your fault. I promise you.” She seemed to relax a little at that statement. “I’ll figure it out.”

  We stopped just in front of my classroom door and I gathered my books from her.

  “Okay, I’ll see you after class, Mitchell,” I said and gave her a smile before making my way into the room.

  “Engles,” she called and I turned around, confused.

  “Yes?”

  She leaned against the door frame, looking as cool as ever. “Wanna go on a date tonight?” she casually asked.

  I couldn’t help the huge grin that grew on my face. “On a school night?” I asked, seriously.

  “Really?” She laughed. “Come on, don’t be a square.”

  I acted offended that she called me a square, but secretly I loved it. “Okay, it’s a date.”

  She leaned over and kissed me on my cheek before heading off. I stood in the doorway, watching her walk away. My God, I was lucky.

  Chapter 11

  So, tonight was our first official date. I was feeling nervous. I paced around the living room, waiting to see her pull up into the driveway.

  “Ooh, Ashley’s got a date,” my brother sung, teasing me.

  “Shut up, idiot,” I snapped at him. I was nervous enough without his teasing.

  Finally, I saw her Jeep pull up. I said my goodbyes to my family and headed for the door. Right before I opened the door, I heard a knock. I smiled as I pulled it open.

  “What are you doing knocking? I could have just met you at your car.”

  “Well, I wanted to be a gentleman,” she said, smoothly, pulling flowers from behind her back. They were tiger lilies—my favorite.

  “Are you stalking me or is it a coincidence you happened to pick my favorite flowers up?” I teased her, but I was smiling ear-to-eat as I grabbed the bouquet out of her hands.

  “I did a little research….” she trailed off.

  “You are stalking me,” I teased, but I was also curious as to what research she meant.

  “I asked Ariel,” she finally admitted.

  As we got to the car, she opened my door and closed it behind me. Was this real life? Her car smelled amazing. Like summer rain. It was meticulously clean, also. Was there anything about her that wasn’t perfect?

  She hopped into the drive seat and smiled at me.

  “What?” I asked, feeling a little self-conscious.

  “Just taking a mental picture of our first date,” she said, giving me butterflies.

  With that, she wrapped her hand around the stick shift and we were on our way.

  I pestered her the entire time, asking where we were going. She stayed strong, though. It wasn’t until we turned onto Union Hill Ave that I knew where we were going.

  “Are we going to Pesto’s?” I excitedly asked.

  She lit up and nodded her head.

  “Let me guess—research?” I asked and she nodded. She was incredible.

  She parked and ran around to my door to open it for me. I wondered if my face was going to be sore tomorrow from smiling so much. She grabbed my hand, helping me out. Afte
r I stepped out of her car, she continued holding my hand, lacing our fingers together.

  The butterflies were at it again. Her hand was so warm and soft. She squeezed my hand before (unfortunately) letting go to open the door to Pesto’s for me.

  Once we were seated and ordered, she looked right into my eyes and just stared.

  “What?” I asked, feeling embarrassed.

  “Nothing,” she slyly replied.

  “What?” I asked again, whining a little this time.

  Her smile grew before asking. “Just taking another mental picture.”

  I swooned a little. Okay, a lot.

  * * * *

  After the restaurant, we went to the movies. She made fun of me for mentioning how late we would be out.

  After the lights dimmed in the theater, my mind went wild. Should I reach out and hold her hand? That’s what people do at the movies, right? But what if my hand cramped up? What if my hand got sweaty and she was grossed out by it? I couldn’t subject her to that torture for an hour and a half.

  But soon, her hand found mine, shutting my mind up completely. All worries were thrown out of the window, as she pulled my hand into her lap. I rested my head on her shoulder and got more comfortable. She was so warm and smelled so good.

  I moved both of my hands around her, playing with her fingers as we watched the movie. I could feel her smile. I was in heaven.

  About halfway through the movie, she let go of my hand, much to my dismay. But she made up for it whenever she moved the armrest up and put an arm around my shoulder.

  I nuzzled into her side and slid my arm around her waist. I could feel her heartbeat racing.

  Did I make her as nervous as she made me? There was no way. She always played it so cool.

  She placed her free hand on top of my arm, drawing lazy circles, for the rest of the movie. I did not want this night to end.

  “Engles,” I heard a whisper in my ear. When I came to, I realized I had fallen asleep. I sat up and looked around. We were the only ones left in the theater.

  “Oh my gosh, I fell asleep?” I asked her, rubbing my eyes.