Don't Panic. Keep Breathing. (TNT Trilogy Book 2)

by Sarah Delany

  I have another dreamless sleep that night, holding Tamsyn in my arms, and I can’t help but think she is the reason. She puts my heart at ease now, helping me to relax. We all wake Saturday morning saying our goodbyes to her as we go. Her mum has got another girls day out planned with her and we don’t want to delay them.

  I don’t have any plans myself so once we are back at JP’s, I pull out Quinn’s journal I brought with me from home. I feel the urge to be closer to her after seeing her yesterday, so skim through the pages reading quotes and thoughts that she had, getting lost in the pages as I do.

  Chapter 26

  -- Tamsyn --

  My mum left to head out with some friends to see a movie. We had a full on girls’ day. We got mani-pedis and massages and she still has the energy to go out and do something. It’s pouring with rain outside and I’m exhausted, so I’m in bed with Netflix on. I’m about to drift off to sleep when my phone starts ringing. I grab it from the bedside table and a smile ignites on my face when I see the caller’s name. I swipe across to answer it.

  “Hey,” I say, cheerily into the phone.

  “I understand now,” they reply.

  “Understand what?” I’m confused.

  “The dock. I understand now why you’re always out here. It’s quiet and so peaceful. Just like I wish everything was,” he says.

  “What are you talking about?” I ask, still confused because he isn’t making any sense.

  “I’m sick of being strong all the time. I can’t do this anymore.” He lets out an exhausted breath as he continues. “I just need some peace and I’ve realised how to achieve it. I’ll be free soon; free from all this pain.”

  Tears start streaming down my face as he’s scaring me. He can’t mean what I think he does, does he?

  “You’re scaring me. You aren’t going to do anything stupid, are you?” I ask, my hand trembling while holding the phone.

  “I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” He takes a big breath in before he says, “Bye, Tamsyn,” and the line goes dead. I try to dial him back but his phone is off.

  “Dammit.” I race out of my room, not stopping to put shoes on. My mum still hasn’t returned home so the only thought I have is to run. Run to the dock. Hopefully I make it in time.

  My heavy feet pound on the pavement as I race against the clock, in the fierce rain, to get to him. I dial emergency services as I run, not knowing what I will encounter when I get there, but not willing to risk it.

  “What’s your emergency?” the operator says, as the line connects.

  “Please hurry. Send someone to the old dock down on Basil Street. They were talking about wanting peace. I think they were going to do something stupid. I’m nearly there but please hurry,” I ramble, between puffs from exerting myself.

  “Who are you talking about Miss?” the operator asks, as I round the bend and the dock comes into view. Forgetting the operator, adrenaline surges through me and I close in on the distance to the dock quickly. I can’t see him anywhere so I sprint to the end of the slippery dock where I catch sight of an empty bourbon bottle. Did he drink the whole bottle? Where is he? The light shining from the lamp shines down on the dark water below. I lean over the edge, eyes searching and searching, hoping I’ll find what I’m looking for. It’s hard to see with the rain pelting harshly down from above but I keep searching. That’s when I catch sight of the familiar figure, face down in the water. Floating, unmoving. No, no, no.

  My phone drops from my hand and on instinct, I leap into the water. No other thought in my mind but to get to him. I plunge into the freezing cold and as I surface, I gasp for air from the shock of the temperature. My arms splash through the icy water in a frenzy, in my effort to get to him. When I’m within reach, I stretch out my hand, grasping onto his wet shirt and pull myself closer. I struggle to turn him over as my feet don’t touch the ground. I’m tiny next to him and I don’t have the strength to turn his dead weight over. I manage to pull his head out of the water and twist it carefully sideways, so at least his nose is free to get air in.

  “Come on, please be okay,” I beg him. I use all the strength I can muster and swim backwards, dragging his body through the water to the shore. As my feet hit sand underneath the water, I gain some traction and it gives me enough strength to wrestle him over. With him face up and my feet on land, I continue to haul him up to the shore. Where my strength comes from, I don’t know, but I manage to get him to safety.

  I quickly check his pulse but I can’t feel anything so I tilt his head back and check his airway. I tilt his head to the side and some water exits. I place my ear by his mouth but I can’t detect any breaths so I start compressions on his chest, followed by two breaths into his mouth and repeat.

  “Please, start breathing. Please, please, please. I need you,” I beg, as the tears flow down my face. I look at his motionless face. How long can I keep up this CPR with him unresponsive? My emotions burst out of me and panic sets in that maybe I was too late to help him.

  “Raafffeee,” I scream at the unmoving boy, lying next to me.

  I’m on the verge of giving up hope but my ears pick up the sirens, wailing in the distance. They must be close. I breathe another two quick breaths into his mouth and that’s when he starts spitting up water. I help roll him to his side as he rejects all the fluid from his system. I cling to him, and move so I can place his head in my lap.

  Wiping the hair back off his face, I whisper, “It’s okay Rafe, I’ve got you. It’s all okay now,” repeating it over and over, as the sirens screech in the background. I’m not sure who I’m trying to comfort; him or me.

  The paramedics arrive and everything becomes a blur as the adrenaline that helped me save him, wears off. Police are here too, talking to me but I’m not listening. My only focus is on the boy on the gurney, being wheeled to the ambulance. The boy with the brightest smile and the biggest heart. The first one to crack a joke to make you laugh. How did I not see it? While he was helping hold me together, he was falling apart inside. How did he hide his suffering so well? When did he become the biggest actor of us all?

  To Be Continued….

  Afterword

  To my readers, I’m sorry. I know you are thinking, you can’t do that. Not Rafe. It doesn’t make any sense. After you read my explanation, hopefully you will understand why.

  If my words sound wrong to anyone who has been in this type of position, let me first apologise. This is how I feel from my own experiences. I was scrolling through facebook when I got punched in the gut by a sudden blow at roughly eleven o’clock on a Monday morning in November 2019. That’s how I found out my best guy mate had taken his life. Through facebook. It was an ordinary Monday morning. I was trying to get through having lost my dad in January and losing my sister at the end of September so I was already drowning in grief.

  I went into shock. I tried calling him and calling him but it went unanswered. The more times I called and he didn’t answer, the more my heart started to break. I saw more people commenting on the post. One comment confirmed he had committed suicide and I started to hyperventilate. My dog had to calm me down by jumping in my lap which he has never done before. I couldn’t breathe, gasping for breaths through my tears as I literally felt my heart shatter.

  His death has been the hardest to take because he took his life. He took himself away from me and that alone is a hard fact to come to terms with.

  If you met him, you wouldn’t have thought he would ever be the type to think about suicide. He had his demons as we all do to a degree. His demons however, were cleverly hidden behind big laughs and crazy jokes. He was the life of the party and would have done anything to ease someone else’s pain in any way he could. I think he didn’t want anyone hurting as much as he was. When my dad died, I didn’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone and I declined all their offers. But Jonathon wouldn’t take no for an answer. He
rang until I answered and then he talked about random things with me sitting there quietly on the other end of the phone. When my sister died and it was the day of her funeral, I sat in the church before it started. It was Jonathon texting me crazy things to help unburden my heart of what I was about to face. I will always remember that because, for a minute, he made me forget and that was all he was trying to do. He wasn’t there for me to turn to when faced with his own death which made his death even harder.

  You are probably wondering why I’m telling you all this but it’s simple. Suicide can strike when you least expect it. Sometimes you may catch the signs if you are lucky but then other times, there will be no signs at all. They say the biggest pain can hide behind bigger smiles. They would be correct.

  If you are hiding behind a fake smile at the moment, please don’t. Reach out to anyone. A family member, a friend, a teacher or a helpline. Reach out to someone. Don’t hold it in. It’s nothing to be ashamed about. Your feelings are never anything to be ashamed about.

  Find something to live for. If it’s the tiniest thing in the world, live for that when you can’t live for yourself. Live for the next season of your favourite T.V. show, or your favourite concert. Live for the change of season if you have to. Simply find a lifeline and hang onto it with all you have. I promise you, your life may look hopeless right now but if you take life, day by day, you will feel differently. You will look back in two, five or ten years and think I would’ve missed out on so much if I’d gone through with it.

  You may not think anyone will notice your death or it won’t leave an impact but that’s the darkness talking. Let me tell you; you are wrong. All the pain you feel at the moment gets shifted from you and passed on to those around you. If they don’t know you well, you will still have an impact on them and that will send waves through their life they never saw coming.

  If my friend was still here, I would beg him not to do it. Hell yes I’d be selfish and beg him to stay because I know how it feels to live without him. Without him, a part of me is missing that I can’t get back. He stole the future memories we would have together from me. So I have to grieve for a life I thought he would be a part of.

  Since I can’t beg him, I’m begging you. Please don’t do it. Please hang on. If you don’t have anyone to help you fight out of the darkness, find someone or email me. I will listen. There is always hope. Some days you have to look harder than others but you can always manage to find a sliver of hope.

  And to everyone else who has never suffered from mental illness or who has but isn’t suicidal. Check on your friends. Check on the ones who cancel on plans, the ones who you see every day, the ones who laugh the loudest and are the happiest, the ones who have it all together and the ones who are struggling. Check in with everyone you care about, and do it often, because you never know when someone is fighting demons that are about to push them over the edge.

  So I hope you understand why it had to be Rafe now. Without me realising it, he snuck into my heart and became my favourite character. Unlike my friend, I can rewrite Rafe’s story and give him the happily ever after my friend sadly will never get. So just breathe, because Rafe will be okay. I promise.

  Playlist for ‘Don’t Panic. Keep Breathing.’

  1. Take Me Home by Jess Glynne

  2. Grieving by Liz Bissonette

  3. Tears In Heaven by Eric Clapton

  4. Make Heaven Wait by Guy Sebastian

  5. Someone You Loved by Amber Riley

  6. Lay Me Down by Sam Smith

  7. Rock Bottom by Caro

  8. Never Be The Same by Jessica Mauboy

  9. How Far Does The Dark Go? By Anya Marina

  10. Why by Rascal Flatts

  11. One Day by Tate McRae

  12. One More Day by Diamond Rio

  13. Rescue by Lauren Daigle

  14. Smile by Nat King Cole

  15. Fix you by Coldplay

  16. I Won’t Give Up by Jason Mraz

  17. You Are The Reason by Calum Scott and Leona Lewis

  18. In Case You Didn’t Know by Brett Young

  19. One Call Away by Charlie Puth

  20. Holding You by Ginny Blackmore and Stan Walker

  Listen on Spotify here: https://spoti.fi/33zra7E

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  About the Author

  ‘Don’t Panic. Keep Breathing’ is Sarah Delany’s second novel and book two in the TNT Trilogy. It carries on straight after the events from book one “Don’t think. Just breathe.” She is one of eight siblings, has a loving partner and is a stay at home mother to their four young boys. Writing this novel was a therapeutic way for Sarah to deal with the pain and grief she suffered in 2019 after losing not only her father but also her sister and one of her best friends. She’s a New Zealander who currently resides in Brisbane, Australia.