The First

by Mel Wildes

  “Zadie,” I called out again but she wasn’t listening. Pushing the crowd away, I chased her close behind, past the front door and across the deck. Grabbing her hands, I stopped her before she could reach her car. “Zadie.” The alcohol was clouding my mind as I looked to her and I felt a constriction in my chest and throat. She shrugged out of my grasp and reached her car. Her tears were wild as I watched her unlock her car door and open it. I couldn’t let her leave, not like this. I wanted to apologise, to tell her I fucked up. I wanted to kiss her hard on her soft, full lips. Her tears broke my heart and I felt my eyes replicate them. Slamming the door shut before she had a chance to get in, she turned around abruptly and stared at me, right into my soul and I felt my own tears begin to overflow. I hadn’t ever cried like this in front of anyone. No one had ever made me feel this way. No girl had ever had this effect over me and it confused me to no end that it was my best friend. “Zadie.” Grabbing her soft cheeks, I looked at her desperately. I just wanted to heal her heart. “I don’t know why I said that.” Leaning my head against hers, I wanted to explain everything but I didn’t have the words. I couldn’t understand myself and I couldn’t understand why I fucked up so badly, so often. Wrapping my arms around her tightly, I felt her soft body against mine. “I don’t know why. I’m sorry.” Her trembling terrified me. “Please.” I wanted to kiss her but she could barely look at me. She didn’t want to be here, she didn’t want to hear this and it was making me insane. I had taken advantage of her love for so long but I couldn’t justify losing my best friend. I used girls to distract myself from wanting her and losing her, but somehow I managed to want and lose her anyway. She looked at me blankly before pushing me hard against the chest to remove me from her sight. As she slammed the door behind her and took a minute to repose herself, she started the car and I leaned my hands against the window. I hated myself for not being strong enough. I hated myself for not only rejecting any possibility of love, but also of friendship. As her car skidded off into the distance, I stood in the middle of the street for the longest time, unable to move as her taillights disappeared into the darkness. What had I done?

  ***

  A week had passed and Zadie hadn’t so much as opened her blinds. My calls, texts and IM’s disappeared into a bottomless abyss. Her parents lied and said she was feeling ill, but when I saw her in the halls at school and in class, she was a picture of health. She hadn’t flinched. I didn’t catch her looking at me curiously or responding to our classmates teasing. She was stone. She went to class, disappeared during breaks and reemerged again with Mateo or Rosa at the end of the day. When I’d offer her a ride to school or home, she’d look past me like I was invisible. I thought the night of Mateo’s party was intense but there was nothing like the sobering realization that I couldn’t charm myself out of this. I couldn’t tug her mini-skirt or flash her a smile, she was completely and utterly done with me. And the realization hurt more than any hit I’d experienced on the field.

  Clarissa approached me after first period, her petite hands and sharp nails clutched onto my arms like a viper sinking its teeth into its prey. I clutched my backpack strap tightly as I shrugged out of her clasp on me.

  “Prom’s coming up,” she purred sweetly, ignoring my obvious disinterest in her.

  “That it is,” I responded flatly as I made my way toward my next class, looking out for Zadie. She’d be coming down the hall any second.

  “Rumor has it you still don’t have a date.” She stopped me in my tracks, digging her nails deeper into my arms. Her smile was strained in an attempt to get my attention. I was getting tired of this. “I don’t have one either, so what do you say?” she whispered into my ear and it took everything in me to remember she was a girl and I couldn’t just push her off of me and into the neighboring lockers. “We could get up to a lot of trouble.” I looked at her, her teeth biting into her lips. She had nothing on Zadie. Why had I wasted so much time on her?

  “I’m good, thanks.” As I shrugged her off, I looked up and noticed Zadie frozen down the corridor, looking between us. It was the first time I caught her acknowledging me since that night. Fuck. When she noticed me staring, she grimaced and turned the corner quickly into our classroom. I began to walk toward her completely aware of how fucked up it was that I was talking to someone whom she hated. Especially when I was trying to win her back. As the crowd in the hall thinned out, Clarissa’s hands gripped me again and I winced in annoyance. “What?” I growled and she looked up at me, unaffected.

  “You wouldn’t dare go to prom with that cow.” Her lips were tight with ire. I growled a little deeper as I looked her in the eye and reminded myself yet again that she was a girl.

  “Say it again.” I stepped forward and watched her eyes grow wide with shock. “If you ever say an ill thing about her again…” I stopped myself and squeezed my eyes shut, taking in a deep breath. “You have no idea how much better she is than you. She is a better person, she is a better friend and she is going to go places and do things you couldn’t possibly fathom. And the way she looks,” I clutched my bag a little tighter as I leaned in closer to her, her expression unreadable, “is just one the sexiest things about her.” I grinned ever so slightly as I stepped past her. I hated myself for not saying that sooner, for not saying it when my friends were ragging on her and for not looking her in the eyes and saying it when people like Clarissa brought her down.

  OUR LAST NIGHT

  2018

  I knew Zadie was mad as hell when she completely ghosted me. She shut down when she was angry and confused. And after the dress shop, I didn’t blame her. Ever since that first night together, I couldn’t take my mind off of her. I hadn’t worked so hard trying to suppress my urges for Zadie, since puberty. Years of careful distraction with numerous women, made it possible for me to not lose the most important person in my life. I wasn’t a gambling man. I couldn’t face the possibility of a life without her if things went sideways. But I also couldn’t stomach the idea of Marcus being the first man to touch her like that. Growing up together, she was never shy about letting it be known that her first time wouldn’t go to someone she didn’t love. And I worked so hard not to let any guy close enough for that love to grow. It was selfish of me. Something in her changed when I told her about the wedding. It was like she finally had the freedom to relinquish something, something she worked so hard to hold on to. I could see she was done waiting. And the world suddenly became a lot clearer.

  I wasn’t entirely sure why I was still going ahead with the wedding. I did admire a lot of things about Tiffany, but if I was being completely honest, I was doing this for Zadie. The way she looked at me outside of Penny’s apartment told me she was ready to move on in her life, but a massive part of her was being held back from it because of me. All I had ever wanted to do for Zadie was make her happy, and if that meant abolishing all possibility between us, I’d do it.

  As nightfall came, I grew anxious to see her. I knew we needed to spend our last night together figuring out who we were after everything that had happened between us. I just hoped I could do it without thinking back to how she tasted on my tongue, or how she felt beneath my fingertips.

  ***

  The pub was thunderously loud as a cover band played on stage and drunken businessmen, and women let their hair down in anticipation for the weekend. I looked around the crowded room in search for Zadie but she was nowhere to be seen.

  “WHO ARE WE?” A booming voice tore my eyes away the stage and toward the entrance of the pub. A few people looked back at the same time and noticed the same towering figure that was Mateo. He was still as loud as ever.

  “SCORP-PI-ANS!” My table of old teammates chanted in return, out of habit, despite the ten years it’s been since high school.

  “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” He moved past the curious eyes, a cocky grin on his face as he noticed our group.

  “SCORP-PI-ANS!” we all chanted. His laughter was gruff and familiar as he bolted toward us and pul
led me into a bear hug.

  “Okay, okay.” I chuckled as I broke the hug and shook his hand. “Still the same old teddy bear,” I jested as he fist bumped the rest of the guys.

  “Gotta stick to what I’m good at.” His eyes traced the booth for her and landed back on me. “Look at this motherfucker. You’re one sharp looking yuppie,” he said as he tussled my hair and straightened by blazer.

  “Yeah, yeah. Look at this,” I tapped his abdomen. “Can’t call you ‘gutty’ anymore.” His laugh was guttural as we slipped into the booth with a few of the other guys and my younger brother, Matthais.

  “It’s Rosa, she’s become a hard ass in the kitchen and in the sack. Making me do all the work.” He laughed and I shook my head.

  “She’s become a hard ass? I can’t remember a time where she was anything but.”

  “You ain’t lying.” His laughter continued to blanket the pub and it was a warming feeling being around my old friend.

  “Where is she anyway?” I asked and he puffed out a frustrated sigh.

  “Her plane gets in soon. Missed her flight because of work, told me to go ahead. I wasn’t about to say no, you know how rare it is to get a free pass to drink without the wife or kids around?” He was glowing as he ordered a beer from the waitress. “So, what’s going on man? Where’s Zadie?” He leaned back against the faux leather seats and looked around our party.

  “She’s not here yet.” I was somewhat deflated from the thought of her. The sound of her name made me anxious. Without skipping a beat, Mateo’s booming laugh filled the space between us. A waitress returned, sliding his beer to him and serving the other guys their drinks. I continued to fiddle with my beer glass as I looked across the table at him.

  “The two of you are never disappointing,” he observed as he took a swig and placed the heavy glass back onto the table.

  “What are you talking about?” I asked and he leaned forward.

  “You know, the back and forth. The ‘will they or won’t they’ as Rosa likes to say.” We’d never really spoken about this. We spoke about football, the good old days and work but we never spoke about this.

  “Where is this coming from?” I asked as I downed the rest of my beer.

  “The look on your face when I mentioned her name.” I found myself clearing my throat in awkwardness. “Any time I talk to either of you about the other, you both have a defeated look on your face,” he observed. At this, I grew uncomfortable by the conversation and called the waitress over.

  “Another pint, please.” As she shuffled away, I observed the band on stage.

  “I have to ask, Alfie.” I looked over to him as he wore a thoughtful look over his usually jubilant face. “Why are you putting her through this?” At his question, I grew uncomfortable and ticked off. My grip on my glass tightened as I looked at him and reflected on his question. No one had ever asked me that before.

  “What am I putting her through?” I shot back, attempting to subdue my anger by remembering he was one of my oldest and closest friends.

  “You know how she feels about you. You’ve known since high school. And you keep her around, you make sure she doesn’t stray and she doesn’t because she loves you...”

  “And I love her,” I interrupted him as the waitress returned with the pint and poured the beer into my empty glass. She smiled shyly as I looked away from her and focused on Mateo’s thoughtful expression.

  “Do you?” he asked, incredulously.

  “Yes, you have no idea.” I attempted to avoid eye contact and downed a good portion of my full glass.

  “Then why are you marrying the wrong girl, tomorrow?” I looked at him, ready to answer, but nothing came out. I wanted to tell him I was doing this for her, but the more cowardly version of myself knew it was because of my inability to gamble on our future. I hadn’t thought of a future with anyone else but her, not even with Tiffany. I could see Zadie every step of the way, in every moment in my life to come, until we were old and grey. I had always seen her by my side, ever since we were kids. I really did love her.

  “I…” before I could respond, Mateo’s attention caught sight of something behind me. Looking back I observed a disheveled Zadie, pushing through the crowd and making her way toward the group. She wore an incredible red dress that dipped at her waist, hugged her curvaceous figure and allowed the top part of her breasts to spill over. A long slit ran up her thigh, revealing her smooth and glowing legs. Her hair was long, wild and unsecured, falling over face as she clumsily tried navigating around the crowd. Her glasses slipped to the tip of her nose as she clutched onto her purse and finally escaped the crowd. Pausing by the bar, she attempted to gain the attention of the waitress. As she leaned over the counter, I observed her perfect ass poke out as she waved her hands wildly. As the waitress caught sight of her, I noticed a few men beside her, observing her too.

  “I still don’t know how you’ve restrained yourself from her for this long.” Mateo was observing her too. I grew irritated by all the eyes on her. Jumping away from the booth, I approached her, glaring at the men who dared laid their eyes on her. They looked away pretty quickly when they saw me approaching.

  “Zadie,” I called out her name and she looked over to me, biting her red lip for the briefest of moments before offering me up a gentle smile.

  “Hey.” She was forcing a smile as she attempted to hug me quickly. Before she could fully withdraw, I drew her tightly into my chest and felt her soft curls caress my cheek. My hands clutched onto her waist, doing their best not to travel south a few inches to her ass. “Wow, what did I do to deserve that?” She chuckled awkwardly as she attempted to draw away from the hug. I released her reluctantly as I took in the sweet scent of her perfume.

  “You planned an incredible bachelor’s night for me.” Her dark eyes watched me curiously and I thought I could melt into them in that moment. As the waitress broke her attention, she attempted to pull money out, but I stopped her and paid for her drink.

  “You didn’t…” she began and I took the glass from the waitress.

  “Since when have I ever let you pay for anything?” As we began to walk toward the table, she looked up at me, obviously ticked off.

  “That will have to change,” she muttered. She wasn’t reacting to me like she usually did and I knew I should be happy considering what tomorrow held, but it frustrated me to no end.

  “Zadie!” Mateo’s voice broke me out of my haze and I watched as she ran the short distance to him, in excitement. He scooped her up into another bear hug and I grew jealous at how receptive she was to see him, and how much longer their hug lasted. As I approached the booth, she clutched onto his face and played with his beard.

  “Look at this!” she exclaimed excitedly and he smiled down in her direction. Zadie had the ability to make anyone glow in childlike admiration, even a six-foot aeronautical engineer with a wife and kids. “And this!” she touched his abdomen briefly and I grew extremely annoyed at all the touching. “Rosa’s some kind of miracle worker! She told me she was going to get you into shape but this is a whole new person,” she exclaimed as she hugged him again. I had to sit down and drink some more to get through this night. He clutched onto her and lifted her up, which rewarded him a squeal. I felt my crotch tighten at the sound of her excitement.

  “I missed you, gringa.” He called her by his usual nickname for her. “The kids miss their aunty too. When are you coming back to visit?” As the two entered into a conversation, they slipped into the booth together, ignoring me.

  “Soon, I promise. Where’s Rosa?” she asked as she looked around the pub and Mateo went into his explanation. As I observed the two talking amongst each other, I couldn’t stop drawing my attention back to her. I loved the way she fiddled with her hair and ears when she was talking intensely to someone. It was her nervous tick. No matter how well she knew the person, she was always on alert. She sipped on her drink as she focused all her attention on Mateo, smiling and laughing as he spoke about his
kids. Her eyes were wide with curiosity and I loved watching as her chest rose every time she gasped at a story Mateo was sharing with her. I couldn’t stop myself from thinking back to the dress shop. The way her exposed skin felt beneath my fingers and the way her breath caught in her throat when I kissed the nook of her neck and shoulder. I found myself visualizing the way she looked when she closed her eyes and kissed me. Her thick lashes tickled my cheeks and her lips were soft and smooth as they traced my own. I could still remember how her hands felt running through my hair and how her curvy body looked in the nude. Without realising it, my dick began to throb. I looked at her nervously, hoping she couldn’t read my mind.

  “Alfie?” a voice disrupted my thoughts and I looked to her. She was looking between Matthias, and I. He was tapping my shoulder. “Dude I have to hit the can.” He broke me fully out of my trance on her and I cleared my throat awkwardly. My erection was clear as day and receding quickly, but not quick enough.

  “Hold it,” I growled silently and he looked at me confused. Zadie and Mateo were looking at me in confusion.

  “Not a chance in hell,” he said as he pushed me out of the booth and scurried past me to the restroom. Zadie and Mateo looked between me and my erection and I looked away embarrassed, not before observing Zadie’s glowing shyness and Mateo’s look of amusement. Quickly, I followed Matthias’ suite, and disappeared toward the restrooms.

  ***

  Standing in the dimly lit corridor, just outside the restrooms, I noticed a barricaded staircase that led to the rooftop and jumped the ‘Do Not Enter’ rope. As I reached the rooftop, I basked at the impressive night sky. I took in the cool night air and attempted to calm myself down. I was getting married tomorrow, I reminded myself. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself and I especially couldn’t keep doing this to her. Before I had much of a chance to fully recover, the rooftop door opened and I thought I was busted until my eyes landed on a reluctant Zadie, watching me from the doorway.