Love Offline

by Olivia Spring

  And escaping Josh in the outside world was even harder. At the supermarket, his face was splashed across the front pages of zillions of magazines, and then there were posters on the tube platforms advertising his forthcoming album.

  That was definitely a bittersweet moment. After illustrating the cover, I should have been happy to see my work in so many places. Feel proud. But every time I saw it, I felt sick. It just reminded me of him and how much he’d hurt me.

  Adrian was certainly earning his keep. Josh must be doing so well that he’d hired a PR too. It was as if he’d taken over the world.

  Mum also said the story was big in New York. I was mortified that they had to suffer the embarrassment of their daughter being slagged off in the tabloids. Thank goodness they weren’t on social media. Mum and Dad called every day to check up on me and I heard the worry in their voices. Although Mum reminded me that she’d warned me about these ‘rock stars’ who ‘could never be trusted to keep it in their pants’, she was really sympathetic. Even offered to pay for a ticket for me to come over and stay with them for a while until it all blew over.

  Whilst the paps had gone, there was still the gossiping and pointing from strangers. I’d hear them whispering. ‘Isn’t she the woman that hot new singer dumped to go out with Sasha?’ they’d say as I walked down the street. It was awful.

  Oh the irony. Little did I know, when I’d had that conversation with Josh in Central Park about how horrible it would be not to be able to leave the house because of paparazzi or people watching you, that just a few days later, I’d be in that exact situation.

  In the end I decided that I couldn’t keep hiding away. I just had to try and ignore everything the best I could and try and get on with my life.

  I threw myself into my art, starting with finally painting the field of tulips mural I’d wanted to have on my living room wall all those years ago. I took some time off work and just focused on it completely, making sure every flower, every blade of grass every windmill panel was exactly how I wanted it. It was hard work, but I loved every second. It solidified my decision. This was definitely the career path I had to follow. Doing the illustration artwork for Josh’s album was fun, and I would have liked to have done more of that type of thing too, but I’d rediscovered my true passion. Mural art was my calling. And this time, I was determined to follow through on my dream and really make things happen.

  I also used my time to change up some things around the flat. I took all the plain magnolia bedsheets, cushions and crockery to the charity shop, ready to replace them with something more colourful. Normally I would’ve sat in bed and ordered everything online. But I decided to venture up into town to see what was in the department stores and in different markets. It was fun. Yeah, online shopping was convenient, but it was also easy to forget the simple pleasures of feeling the different fabrics and textures there and then before buying them.

  I came home with bags full of bright red bedsheets, orange cushions, green-and-blue plates and glasses. Much more me.

  I’d also kept myself busy by continuing my life drawing and going on organised walks. And I’d increased my Spanish lessons from once to twice a week. It was challenging, but I was enjoying it. So much so that I had signed up to go on the two-week language holiday to Fuerteventura in the Canary Islands tomorrow.

  Sounded sudden, but after what I had been through, it was exactly what I needed. Some time away from all this craziness. Time to reflect and also plan the next stage of my life.

  Two positive things came from visiting New York. Number one: like Chloe had said, I could work from anywhere in the world. All I needed was a laptop, a phone and my creativity. I didn’t have to be rooted to my desk. Of course, I had always known this but had let fear get in my way. Not anymore. I would go on this holiday, take the lessons in the morning and then work on my mural designs business plan and client work in the afternoons or evenings. Thankfully my clients weren’t bothered about the whole scandal. None of them even mentioned it. As long as I produced the work on time, they couldn’t care less about my personal life, which was a relief.

  Secondly, the trip reminded me that I loved to travel and discover new things. I hadn’t done it in ages. I’d been too busy cooped up inside the flat working and crying over Eric. Not anymore. I couldn’t let that happen again with Josh. Now that my travel bug had been reignited, I wanted to see more of the world. It would have been nicer to do that exploring with someone special, as that’s what made the time in New York so enjoyable. But as that wasn’t meant to be, I’d just have to do it on my own. Going away tomorrow would be a good start. The first of many trips abroad. I couldn’t wait to escape and try to put this whole nightmare behind me.

  I missed Josh. Of course I did. Whilst I did want to confront him face-to-face, I decided it was better to leave it. Nothing he could say would change what he’d done, so what was the point? Clearly the connection between him and Sasha was too strong and he couldn’t help himself. Sometimes it was just as simple as that.

  I mean, let’s be honest. We all have crushes. We’ve all had celebrities, actors or musicians that we’ve fancied at one point or another. Had their posters splashed across our teenage bedroom walls. Dreamt about them. Fantasised about what it would be like to be with them. Even as adults. So imagine if one of them rocked up at your front door one night, or in this case you met at a party. And then imagine you discovered that celebrity liked you too—wouldn’t you be tempted?

  So even though what Josh had done to me was horrendous, he’d only done what most people would have done in that situation. That’s why I’ve told myself that I would just have to accept that he was weak and move on with my life. Personally, I’d like to believe I was the exception. Even if Chris Hemsworth or Michael B. Jordan rang my doorbell, I loved Josh so much that I would say ‘Thanks, but no thanks, I’ve already got a man’ without hesitation. But that was just me.

  No.

  I couldn’t face going to see Josh. I couldn’t bear standing in front of him and hearing lies coming out of his mouth. To have to listen to excuses like ‘It just happened’ or ‘I was drunk’. Worse still if he gushed about how he ‘hadn’t meant to fall for her, but sometimes these things are just meant to be’. Ugh. It would destroy me. More than it had already. It was too risky. Much safer to accept that it was over and just try and move on.

  It was going to be tough and extremely painful. But I figured that if I was going to be sad and miss him, I’d rather do it with the sand beneath my feet and the sun shining on my skin. Even at this time of year, it should still be warm, and a nice dose of Vitamin D was sure to do me some good.

  The doorbell rang. It was Chloe, who’d come round for dinner and to help me pack.

  ‘Hello, love,’ she said as I opened the door.

  ‘Hi,’ I replied as I went back into the bedroom.

  ‘How are you? Crikey, Em!’ she said as she saw the clothes piled high on my bed. ‘Are you sure you’re going for two weeks and not two years?’

  ‘I know it looks like a lot, but I’m not taking all this stuff. I just thought it makes sense to put everything all out on the bed first, then pick what I need from the pile,’ I added, trying to convince myself.

  ‘If you say so…’

  ‘Oh!’ I said, disappearing into the kitchen, then returning to the bedroom. ‘I almost forgot. I picked up a little something for you at one of the markets uptown.’

  ‘Crumbs! It’s beautiful!’ She held up the antique cake stand. It had a gold trim and delicate flowers. ‘You’re such a sweetheart, thank you. But what’s the occasion?’

  ‘No occasion. I don’t need a reason to treat my friend! I saw it and thought you might like it.’

  ‘Well, that’s so thoughtful of you, Em. I love it!’ She gave me a big hug. ‘I’m baking for a gathering this week at work, so this will be perfect. If you weren’t jetting off, I would have saved you some cake. Speaking of your travels, are you sure it’s a good idea to run away like this? D
on’t you think you should contact Josh? He’s back in London now. Brian said he’s been all over the TV—Good Morning Britain, Graham Norton…’

  ‘Yes, yes, I know.’ I rolled my eyes. ‘Bloody Keith downstairs decided that it would be helpful to tell me all about it.’

  ‘So now that he’s back, don’t you think you should get an explanation? Find out what happened? Even if you listen to him for five minutes and then tell him to sod off?’

  ‘I gave Eric five minutes of my life and look where that got me.’ I shuddered as I recalled that cringey encounter. ‘Anyway, to answer your questions, no, I’m not running away. I’m taking time out and going to develop myself. Learn new skills. And double no, I am not going to see Josh. What is there for him to explain? They kissed. Well, they probably did a lot more than that. I saw the photos. The whole world has. It may have been a nightmare for me, but Josh has done really well out of it. He’s probably on top of the world right now. Why would he want to spend his precious time explaining himself to me? He’s mega famous. He’s going out with Sasha, he’s the envy of every guy in the universe and he’s enjoying his dream career. What a great result. Congratulations, Josh!’ I said, clapping my hands as if he was in the room. ‘You’ve made it!’

  ‘Look, I understand.’ She cleared a space on the bed and sat down. ‘Eric really did a number on you. He hurt you. He messed you up for months. But then you got stronger, started going out more and then met Josh and fell in love. You thought you could trust him, that he was the love of your life, but then you saw pictures of him kissing another woman and you feel totally devastated. It feels like your world has come to an end. On the face of it, it looks like history repeating itself. First Eric cheats on you and then Josh does. But to me, something doesn’t feel right about this whole Sasha story.’

  ‘Go on…’ I stopped folding a T-shirt and plonked myself down on a pile of dresses.

  ‘For starters, I saw the way Josh looked at you—like there was no one else in the room. Like his favourite dish had just been brought to him on a diamond-encrusted platter. He was besotted. Even when he was with all those snooty VIP and industry people, he was never afraid to show you affection. He never hid you away. If you look back and think about this situation carefully, objectively, you’ll see why I’m questioning this whole thing and why I think you should speak to him. Josh loves you, Emily. Adores you. So do you honestly think that he would throw all that away, give up everything he has with you, just for an expensive piece of skirt?’

  ‘She’s not just an expensive piece of skirt, Chloe!’ I huffed. ‘She’s Sasha. Global superstar. I appreciate you saying how much you think Josh loves me, and I believe he did, but music is Josh’s number one passion. Like he told me, it’s his life. So when you take that into account and then consider the fact that after years of having a crush on Sasha, suddenly he gets the chance to sing with her. Make music with her. The thing he’s most passionate about. Can you imagine the sparks flying, the chemistry and the connection in the studio when they sang together? How can I compete with that?’

  ‘You don’t need to compete. Josh loves you.’

  ‘Look, I know you’re trying to help and you want me to have a nice happy ever after, but Josh and I are over and I’m not going to humiliate myself by contacting him. I mean, can you believe that he hasn’t even called or messaged me once since this happened? He phoned a few times when you were there—you know, when the story broke—but that’s it. Nothing since then. Not a peep. So he can’t love me that much if he calls a couple of times and then gives up. He just wasn’t into me as much as I thought.’ I bowed my head. Just thinking about it made my heart ache.

  ‘Yeah, that does sound bad, but also a bit out of character? In fact, this whole thing seems odd. I mean, let’s take all this publicity for starters. I thought Josh hated the spotlight. Isn’t that why he never put his face on record covers?’

  ‘Maybe Sasha persuaded him about the benefits that mass exposure could bring and he changed his mind.’

  ‘You do realise you’re talking nonsense, don’t you?’ She crossed her arms. ‘From what I’ve seen of him and what you’ve told me, Josh doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who wants or enjoys masses of exposure. It’s not like he’s some attention-seeking reality TV star. Brian said Josh didn’t look happy in those interviews. Looked like he hated it. So unless Josh had a complete personality transplant in between seeing you that Monday lunchtime and the early hours of Tuesday morning when this whole Sasha stuff hit the fan or he’s the world’s best actor, it doesn’t ring true. I mean, would Josh really want to be famous for being Sasha’s love interest if music and songwriting are his passion? Don’t you think he’d hate to be splashed across the World Wide Web and magazine covers for some sordid love triangle and that he’d want to drag you into all of this? Honestly?’

  I’d already gone over all those points in my head a million times.

  ‘I hear what you’re saying, and yes, it did seem strange to me and that’s what made it all the more hurtful. Because he knows I hate attention and scrutiny. But I’ve thought about it a lot and sometimes things can’t be explained. We’re always trying to make sense of things in the world, but we have to face the fact that there’s not always a logical explanation. Things just happen. He’s human. He’s a man. Sometimes men just react. Cheat. Lie,’ I said, sad that my negative perceptions were right all along. ‘And despite having a good track record for knowing the right thing to do and being a good judge of character, you’ve got to remember, Chloe, that you’re human like the rest of us. You don’t get it right all the time.’

  ‘Say what you like, Em, but my Spidey senses are usually accurate. I’m telling you, something doesn’t add up. I smell a rat, and if you’re not going to take action or investigate to get to the bottom of this, then I definitely will.’

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Another call from Chloe.

  I knew why she was ringing: to suggest I contact Josh. She’d gone on and on about it all night whilst I was packing, and even though she knew I was on my way to the airport, she still kept calling me.

  That was her again. I wasn’t going to answer. I knew her heart was in the right place and that she was trying to help me, which I was grateful for, but I couldn’t handle another lecture about going to see him. I just wanted to get out of London, enjoy this holiday and try and move on with my life.

  Now she’d sent me a text.

  And another!

  Wow. She must really want me to speak to Josh. Two texts from Chloe was the equivalent of her bringing an entire cake factory to my flat to cheer me up after a worldwide disaster. I suppose I should at least look at them:

  Chloe

  I’ve just spoken to Josh and he’s told me the whole story.

  Chloe

  Josh is innocent, Emily! Really!

  Don’t get on the plane. Come back and go and see Josh. RIGHT NOW! You’ll regret it otherwise. TRUST ME!!

  * * *

  No.

  I will not change my plans and go chasing after Josh.

  He might have pulled the wool over Chloe’s eyes, but I was stronger now, and I wouldn’t be tricked again. Anyway, how did she know? When she said she’d spoken to him, did she mean over the phone? She didn’t have his number. Maybe she went to go and see him, as she’d dropped me off at his house before. She probably just saw his bum, went all doe-eyed and didn’t even listen to what he was saying.

  Yes. I did miss him and I did still love him. I probably always would, but I couldn’t put myself through any more pain.

  I trusted Chloe and I wanted to believe her. I really did. But what if I got excited that she thought he was innocent, rushed over there only to look Josh in the eyes and realise everything he told her was all a lie? Chloe didn’t know him like I did. She wouldn’t be able to separate the fact from fiction. But I would be able to tell.

  Nope.

  I was sticking with my plans. I was going away. End of.

&nbs
p; I put my phone on silent and tossed it back in my bag.

  Even though I felt my phone vibrating throughout the journey I ignored it. I was going away on a lovely trip to Fuerteventura. To learn new things and make new friends. Put the past behind me.

  We’re here. Glad the taxi driver got me to the airport on time. I hated having to rush.

  As I approached the check-in desk to queue up, as much as I tried to forget about them, Chloe’s texts were still going round and round in my mind.

  Josh is innocent. He told me the whole story. Come back.

  I was torn. Every fibre in my body wanted to believe her, but I didn’t want to keep getting hurt. And anyway, I was here now. At the airport. Standing in the queue. About to check in my suitcase. Even if I wanted to, it was too late.

  There were at least fifty people in front of me. Looked like I wasn’t the only one keen to get a bit of winter sunshine. The queue was moving at a snail’s pace. I wondered if anyone else here was jumping on a plane, hoping that being in a different country would help heal their broken heart. Or was it just me?

  Even though I was sad (to put it mildly), at the same time, I had to give myself a pat on the back. I’d come a long way since Chloe had found me in a heap on my bed crying over Eric. Even before his engagement, after we’d broken up, my self-esteem had been minus zero, as had my social life. But this time around, despite my heart feeling like it had gone twelve rounds with Mike Tyson, I could see that I was a much stronger person. I’d grown. I had more confidence, more friends, more self-awareness, self-acceptance and self-worth.

  I could have quite easily shagged Eric that night and let him go down on me. Got some pleasure for myself, then asked him to leave to give him a small taste of his own medicine. That could also have been a way to get back at Josh for cheating on me. But instead, I hadn’t thought twice about chucking Eric out when he’d come crawling back as I knew I was better than that. That I deserved better than him. And rather than just wasting more of my life wallowing over Josh, I was being proactive. I’d booked myself onto this trip, which I was sure would be amazing. I’d meet new people, get inspiration for my new career direction, see another part of the world and heal my soul. I’d never have been brave enough to do that before.