Love Offline

by Olivia Spring

  That was the thing. As well as realising I didn’t have to settle for arseholes, I’d also seen that I didn’t have to settle for a dull existence. I could be the driver of my destiny. I could do things to make myself happier. When I’d finally taken a moment to look up from my phone screen and stopped focusing on the filtered representations of people’s lives on social media, I’d discovered there was a whole exciting world out there, filled with good people like Kat and experiences that I enjoyed and that would help me to grow. And it all started offline: outside of my comfort zone. By feeling the fear and doing it anyway. All those words that had felt like empty clichés before finally had meaning.

  Another cliché that was true was that I would survive. It would be hard, yes, but I could do it. Whether I’d be able to trust another man again would be hard to say. Right now it was too soon to even contemplate. I’d never loved anyone like I’d loved Josh, so I didn’t know if I could ever get over him, but I was determined to try. And despite how it had ended, all the tears I’d cried and how much he’d hurt me, I couldn’t bring myself to regret it. Apart from the last few weeks, my relationship with Josh had given me some of the most magical, happiest times in my life. I would treasure them forever. Until the day I died. I just wished I could have had more of them. That we could have stayed together much longer.

  I shuffled forward in the queue. Probably halfway to reaching the desk now. I thought again about Chloe’s text.

  Josh is innocent. He told me the whole story. Come back.

  What if Chloe was right? What if those happy times didn’t have to end? My heart wanted to drag me back to the taxi, go straight to his house and fall into his arms. But my head was screaming, How could you? That would be weak. I don’t want to be weak.

  Anyway, I’d paid for my flight. An extra attendant had just joined the desk, so now the queue was moving faster. In a couple of minutes, my suitcase would be checked in, and I would be going through security and boarding a plane. Then in just a few hours I’d be relaxing on a beach, miles away from all my problems. Hundreds of miles away from Josh.

  But that’s the thing. Deep down—in fact, not even deep down, right at the surface—I knew in my heart I didn’t want to be miles away from Josh. I wanted to be right beside him. I wanted to be relaxing on a beach with him. Just the two of us. Em and Josh. Josh and Em. Together.

  Hold on.

  It just dawned on me.

  I’d been looking at this all wrong.

  Yes. I was stronger. That part was true. But, whilst it was good that I was picking myself up and taking myself away to learn new skills, that was not the only way to be strong. Being strong was also about being brave. Having the courage to face up to difficult things, like going to see Josh and listening to his side of the story. Even if what I heard wasn’t what I wanted it to be.

  I see it now.

  Being strong was about taking a chance. Stepping outside of my comfort zone. Again. Trusting. Tuning into my gut. Just like I’d thought and Chloe had also suggested, something was off. The Josh I knew would absolutely hate doing any publicity. He would hate doing TV shows and being splashed across magazines. He would hate people knowing him for just being Sasha’s boy toy. He’d despise it. In fact, the words hate and despise weren’t strong enough to express how much he would loathe it. Josh would want to be recognised for his songwriting skills and his incredible voice, not for his face or who he was snogging.

  And he loved me. He did. I knew it. Even if Sasha did a naked lap dance for him, he would turn her down. But he’d do it in the nicest possible way. Because that was just him. Josh didn’t have an evil bone in his body, and even though he was a human being and wasn’t perfect, I believed he wouldn’t hurt me. I just felt it.

  I didn’t know what the explanation was for those photos, but I was leaving right now. Going back to see him. Because I loved him. And I was going to listen because I was strong enough and brave enough to do that, and because I knew that if I didn’t go, if I didn’t find out the truth, not only would I not be able to relax on this trip, I would also regret it for the rest of my life.

  I picked up my suitcase, ducked under the barriers and ran from the check-in queue to the exit to hail a cab.

  Just as I was about to climb inside the taxi, I heard a voice from behind me.

  ‘Em! Emily! Wait!’

  I turned around.

  It was him.

  It was Josh.

  He was here. At the airport.

  Looked like I’d be getting that explanation much sooner than I thought.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Josh slammed Chloe’s car door and started running towards me.

  ‘Em!’ he said as he picked me up and spun me around. ‘I thought I’d lost you!’

  As he put me back on the ground and squeezed me tight. I could hear his heart beating fast. I breathed him in. God, I missed smelling his scent. It felt so good to be wrapped in his arms again.

  ‘Hi!’ he said, moving his head back to look at me.

  ‘Hey,’ I replied. Josh looked tired. Still gorgeous to me, but tired. His eyes were bloodshot with dark circles beneath them and he felt slimmer. He was wearing his signature black jeans and T-shirt, but they seemed looser. Like he’d lost weight. Josh loved his food and always kept himself healthy, so it was strange to see him like this. Maybe with all that that publicity and touring he wasn’t getting time to eat.

  ‘God, I’m so happy to see you, Em. We thought we’d miss you! Chloe was nervous about driving on the motorway, but thankfully she got us here in one piece. I offered to drive instead, but as I hadn’t slept, she said it wasn’t safe. After she explained everything about Eric and I’d explained everything about the whole Sasha bull, I just had to come after you. But we didn’t want to wait for a taxi, so we just jumped straight in her car and came here.’

  ‘Eric?’ I frowned. ‘What’s Eric got to do with all this?’

  Why on earth was he mentioning my ex?

  ‘We have a lot to catch up on. Shall we go somewhere we can talk and then I can fill you in?’

  ‘Okay…’ I said as he picked up my suitcase and we headed over to Chloe’s red Ford Fiesta.

  I was so confused. I couldn’t deny that I was happy to see Josh again, but my head was also all over the place trying to make sense of everything.

  After being caught kissing another woman, putting me through hell, then not contacting me for weeks, Josh was all jovial and acting like none of it had ever happened and talking about Eric? Of all people. And Chloe said there was a logical explanation for all this? Right now it felt like we were existing in parallel universes.

  ‘I thought you’d run off to Fuertev-wherever!’ said Chloe as I came over to hug her. ‘I tried to get here as quickly as I could, but I don’t like driving on the motorway. I only ever use the car to get to and from work, go shopping or for dropping and picking up the kids from school. And I can’t believe that you ignored my calls and my texts! You know how much I hate sending those things, so you should have realised that it must have been something urgent for me to send two.’

  ‘Yeah, I thought it might be,’ I said as I sat in the backseat whilst Josh put my case in the boot. ‘But I just needed to get away and clear my head.’

  ‘Well, if you think your head was spinning before, Em, it’s going to explode into a million pieces when you hear the whole story.’

  Josh got in and sat beside me.

  ‘Come on, you two,’ she said, starting her engine. ‘Let’s get out of here before I get a parking ticket.’

  I couldn’t wait any longer to hear what had been going on, so Chloe drove into the short-stay car park and pulled into a space at the back. She then climbed onto the front passenger seat and turned around to face us both.

  ‘Right. So you remember I told you last night that if you didn’t get to the bottom of this whole Josh and Sasha thing, I would?’

  ‘Yes. I do remember you mentioning it several hundred times, Chloe.’ I r
olled my eyes.

  ‘Well’—she crossed her arms—‘because I knew that you weren’t going to do anything about it, when you went to check on dinner, I got Josh’s number from your phone and wrote it in my notebook.’

  ‘You what?’

  ‘You heard me. Anyway, so when I got home, I texted him—yes, texted him. I tell you what. I’ve sent more texts since this whole Sasha debacle happened than I think I’ve sent in my lifetime. Anyway. Josh didn’t get my text until five a.m.’

  ‘Because I was in the studio,’ he added.

  ‘Yes, that’s right, and he responded straight away. None of that texting-back-and-forth nonsense. Josh actually called me. At five o’clock in the morning, mind you, so you can imagine Brian’s absolute delight when he got woken up by my mobile ringing loudly at that ungodly hour.’

  ‘Yeah, sorry about that again, Chloe. I was just so excited to hear from you as I thought it meant that there might still be a chance with Em and that maybe the whole thing with Eric wasn’t how it seemed. Just like the Sasha rubbish wasn’t how it seemed either.’

  ‘I still don’t get it. What the hell has Eric got to do with anything?’

  ‘Hold your horses.’ Chloe raised her hand. ‘We’ll get to that bit in a minute. Let us continue.’

  ‘Okay, okay. Sorry.’ I readjusted myself in the seat. ‘I’m listening. Carry on.’

  ‘So I thought as I’m up, I might as well go over to Josh’s now to get to the bottom of things,’ said Chloe, pulling a bottle of water from her handbag and taking a sip. ‘Brian said given all the gossip and controversy, he didn’t think it was a good idea for me to be seen going to Josh’s house at five a.m., but I said sod the paps. They wouldn’t dare try and come after me, and anyway, with these rollers in my hair, they’re more likely to think I’m his aunt than his hook-up girl. So I went there and Josh explained it all.’

  ‘I did. So now it’s time for me to explain it to you too.’ He took a deep breath and stared me straight in the eyes. ‘In a nutshell, none of it’s true. Sasha and I didn’t kiss. Well, we did, but not like that. It isn’t how it seems.’

  ‘Oh, that’s what all the cheats say,’ I scoffed, reverting back to my old thoughts about men.

  No, no. Mustn’t do that. My gut says to trust him. There’s a perfectly logical explanation.

  God, I really hope there is…

  ‘Please, Em. Just listen, and then you’ll understand. Let me start from the beginning. So after I left you at the hotel that Monday. I went to the studio to prepare. That was around one p.m. right?’

  ‘Yeah, I think so.’

  ‘So I went to the studio, and Sasha was supposed to come at four, but she didn’t arrive until seven. Fair enough, I thought. Well, actually, I thought it was pretty rude, but you hear about big stars being hours late, and it was a great opportunity, so I just put the time to good use. But when Sasha eventually arrived, she was off. She wasn’t the bubbly person we met at that party. I sang my parts and that was all fine. I was nervous, of course, but I was happy with how it sounded. But when it came to Sasha doing her bit, it just wasn’t right. That wasn’t the voice that I’d admired for so many years. She just seemed down. Distracted. It happens to me sometimes. I might be trying to sing or write something and I know I can do it as I’ve done it so many times before, but it’s just not coming. So even though I don’t really know her, I can see she’s upset, right, and I want to help. Part of me thought she was going to say she didn’t need advice from someone like me. I mean, she’s got so much experience. Way more than me. But anyway, I thought it was worth a try. So I cleared the room.’

  That was bold, I thought to myself.

  ‘I asked if the entourage and all her people could leave us alone for a few minutes and I asked Sasha if everything was alright. I told her that when I’m in the studio and things aren’t flowing, I normally call you or go and see you and I instantly feel better, but that before that, before I met you, I’d go for a drink, not necessarily alcoholic as that can mess with your voice, but just get out of the studio or go for a walk to clear my head.’

  ‘I couldn’t imagine Sasha going for a walk,’ I added. ‘She’d be mobbed.’

  ‘Exactly,’ said Josh. ‘So I suggested going for a drink instead. Sasha said we could head back to her hotel, not for any funny business, but just because it would be more private there—no fans or cameras. Even though I knew it would be totally innocent, ironically, I thought that by not going to her hotel, I would avoid any scandal or anyone thinking there was something going on. I pictured the headline in my mind: Sasha Seen Going into Hotel With Mystery Man. Mystery Man Leaves Sasha’s Hotel at Midnight. I wanted to prevent that, so naïve little me thought it would be better to go somewhere public, somewhere out in the open, where it would be clear that it was innocent because we were in plain sight. Big mistake.’

  ‘So what happened next?’

  ‘So I asked her, “Are there any bars that you go to, where you feel comfortable? Where you won’t get hassled?” So she called her manager and he arranged for us to go to this new bar as he said it would be nice and private. No paps. No cameras. No fans. The place was practically empty. We had a booth in the corner. So we had a drink. We talked. I could tell there was something on her mind. I was guessing it was man trouble. You get to know the signs.’

  ‘Like how you knew when I was upset, when we bumped into each other that night we ended up going to the pub?’ I said.

  ‘Yeah, exactly. So I took a big risk. And I asked her. I realised that I was treading on shaky ground. I was a stranger asking Sasha about her personal life. But I just sensed that she needed someone to talk to.’

  ‘And what did she say?’ I asked.

  ‘She said, “If I was having man trouble, I think that would keep everyone happy.”’

  ‘What?’ I frowned. That didn’t make sense.

  ‘Exactly. At first I didn’t understand. And then I did. When a pretty waitress came over, I saw it. And it made sense.’

  ‘What did?’

  ‘The way she looked at her. The way Sasha looked at the waitress.’

  ‘I don’t get it.’ My face creased with confusion.

  ‘Wake up, Em!’ said Chloe. ‘Sasha prefers the company of women.’

  ‘Sasha’s a lesbian?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Josh.

  Poppycock! As Chloe would say.

  ‘No! She’s dated loads of guys. I’ve seen it in the magazines. Come on.’ I rolled my eyes like they were on a spin cycle. ‘This is a bit of an elaborate story, isn’t it? Is that really the best you could come up with?’

  I started to question my decision to believe him again. Maybe my gut was off.

  ‘What do you mean?’ said Josh. ‘It’s true!’

  ‘So, Sasha does what? Smiles at a pretty waitress and that automatically means she’s a lesbian? Because lesbians must automatically fancy every woman that crosses their paths? Ridiculous! You two know better than that, surely. And if she’s a lesbian, then why were you kissing? This is sounding far-fetched to me.’

  ‘That’s because you’re not letting him finish!’ shouted Chloe.

  ‘Okay, okay. Do go on, Josh. Next you’ll be telling me that the waitress fell over and it sent Sasha’s face flying into your lips!’ I scoffed. Chloe raised her eyebrows. ‘Okay. Sorry. I’ll shut up and listen.’

  ‘Thank you!’ Josh huffed. ‘As I was saying, I saw it. Just a hint of something. It was very, very subtle. It wasn’t sleazy or something that would have led to anything, for reasons that I’ll explain, it was just—I don’t know, call it intuition. It may surprise you, but I’m good at picking up on these things. Anyway, I wanted to be sure. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. So I asked her. I said, “Do you mean that your management would prefer it if you were having man trouble as opposed to women trouble?”’

  ‘And what did she say?’

  ‘She said, “Yes, Josh. That’s exactly what I’m saying.” And then she opened up to me
. I was surprised, but she did.’

  ‘I’m not,’ I said as I tried to take it all in. ‘You’ve just got that knack, Josh. Of making people feel comfortable.’

  I remembered that night in the pub, I had been adamant that I wasn’t going to tell Josh anything about Eric, as it was so embarrassing. And the next thing I knew, I’d told him everything. He probably could have asked me for my bank account details and security code and I would have told him. Quite scary, actually.

  ‘You’re very easy to talk to,’ I added.

  ‘Thanks.’ He blushed. ‘Sasha said the same thing. So anyway, she told me that she’s been having to hide her sexuality throughout her whole career and she was tired of living a lie. She’s got a girlfriend who wants to settle down with her and doesn’t want to be hidden away like a dirty secret. They’ve been dating for years and her girlfriend told her that morning she’d had enough and wanted to break up. So Sasha had a meeting with her manager, which is why she was so late, about going public and he said it would ruin her image. She’d ruin her career. So understandably she was upset and the last thing she wanted to do was go in the studio and sing. All she was thinking about is that the woman she loves was leaving her and she couldn’t be who she wants to be.’

  That was really sad. Times had changed, though, surely.

  ‘But would it really even matter in this day and age?’

  ‘It shouldn’t, but it does. Very few big artists ever come out. And because Sasha’s image is all about being sexy and she has such a strong male fan base, the manager and industry people didn’t want to take that chance. At the end of the day, all they care about is making money. And Sasha is worth a lot to them.’