The Emotional Wound Thesaurus
Page 10
Exacting vengeance against one’s attacker and discovering that it didn’t take away the emotional pain of the event
When the choice to not get involved in another’s problems leads to the person being victimized, it forces one to face one’s own cowardice
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BEING HELD CAPTIVE
EXAMPLES: Being kidnapped…
And held for ransom
And kept captive for an extended period of time
And sold into slavery
By one’s biological parent or other relative to start a new life elsewhere
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I’m an easy mark, a target. People will always try to victimize me.
I will never be the same, never be whole.
The others didn’t make it out; I shouldn’t have either, (Survivor’s guilt)
My captor wasn’t all bad. (Stockholm syndrome)
My judgment is faulty and can’t be trusted. (if one believes one was at fault somehow)
The only person I can trust or count on is me.
Specific beliefs caused by a captor’s brainwashing: No one loves me, I deserve to be punished, etc.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Having their power and freedom stolen again
Trusting the wrong person
Not being able to achieve their dreams
Not being able to adjust to the real world after escaping
Someone they love being taken and suffering the same ordeal
That the things endured during captivity will cause loved ones to reject them
Men or women (depending on the captor’s gender), especially ones with a close physical resemblance
Being assaulted, trapped, captured again, or killed
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Becoming cautious almost to the point of paranoia
Hyperawareness of one’s surroundings
Sensitivity to trigger stimuli, such as being in an enclosed space or having one’s movements restricted
Withdrawing from friends and loved ones
Difficulty trusting others
Fatigue due to nightmares
Becoming security-obsessed (taking self-defense classes, turning a home into a fortress, etc.)
Depression and anxiety
Losing interest in hobbies or the activities one used to enjoy
Being overprotective of one’s children
Difficulty adjusting to changes in the world since one’s abduction (if it lasted a long time)
Being evasive or dishonest out of a desire to protect one’s privacy
Self-medicating to cope
Thoughts or attempts of suicide
Flying under everyone’s radar so as not to draw attention to oneself
Feeling empathy for one’s kidnapper followed by feelings of guilt (Stockholm syndrome)
Self-loathing over things that happened or one’s inability to escape
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms, such as flashbacks, paranoia, and anxiety jitters
Becoming extremely subservient; losing one’s will
Impaired concentration, focus, and memory
Feeling powerless, fearful, and anxious
Taking steps to leave the past behind (changing one’s name, moving, switching jobs, etc.)
Feeling as if one has been given a second chance
Believing that one escaped for a purpose and living to fulfill that purpose
Believing a debt of gratitude is owed to one’s rescuer, and living that out
Finding a therapist or support group
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Alert, appreciative, bold, cautious, disciplined, empathetic, industrious, meticulous, nurturing, observant, patient, persistent, private, proactive, protective, resourceful, socially aware, wise
Flaws: Addictive, compulsive, evasive, hostile, inhibited, insecure, irrational, morbid, needy, nervous, obsessive, paranoid, self-destructive, subservient, suspicious, timid, uncommunicative, uncooperative, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Specific smells, sounds, tastes, or objects associated with one’s captor
Places that act as reminders of one’s captivity, such as a basement or a barn
Hearing that one’s captor is up for parole or has been released from prison
A child moving away (going to college, attending summer camp, renting an apartment, etc.)
Flashbacks that cause one to relive the event
Seeing a stranger that resembles one’s captor
Watching movies or shows that portray a situation similar to what one went through
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Feeling like one is being watched or stalked (even when one isn’t) and recognizing that seeking help is the only way to be free of this delusion
Discovering that one’s child was detained to keep them safe (like being locked in a storage closet during a mall robbery)
Recognizing that one’s fears caused by the kidnapping are driving loved ones away
Realizing that one’s quality of life and ability to connect with people is being ruined by PTSD, and deciding to seek help
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BEING SEXUALLY VIOLATED
NOTES: While there is a huge difference between being raped and receiving unwanted text images, the sense of sexual violation is the same. For this reason, we have included all kinds and levels of sexual harassment, violation, and assault in this entry.
EXAMPLES
Rape or attempted rape (by a stranger, acquaintance, family member, or partner)
Being forced or coerced to perform sexual acts, such as oral or anal sex
Being prostituted
Fondling or unwanted sexual touching
Incest
Being rubbed up against in a crowd
Being forced to watch pornography
Being forced to pose for pictures or participate in videos
Being flashed
Receiving unwanted sexual texts, photos, or messages
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
If I tell, people will think I’m lying or I encouraged it.
I will never be whole.
It’s my fault. I brought this on myself.
I was targeted because I’m weak.
My judgment is flawed for not seeing what was right in front of me.
The people closest to you always cause the deepest hurt.
No one will want to be with me now.
Nothing can keep me safe from predators, including myself.
Trusting people means getting hurt.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Sex and intimacy
Letting people get close
Misreading a situation and putting themselves or a loved one at risk
Men or women, depending on who the perpetrator was
Being attacked or held against their will
Telling the truth and not being believed (by police, family, friends, the media, etc.)
Getting pregnant or contracting a sexually-transmitted disease
Being rejected or abandoned by a loved one because of what happened
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Doing everything possible to hide what happened, due to shame or fear of retribution
PTSD symptoms, such as flashbacks, nightmares, etc.
Abusing drugs or alcohol as a means of coping
The development of phobias or an eating disorder
Difficulty focusing at work or school
Not taking care of oneself (having poor hygiene, being unconcerned about danger, etc.) due to depression
Becoming uncommunicative
Pulling away from family and friends
Giving up hobbies and interests
Questioning one’s sexual orientation
Decreased libido or an increased and unhealthy interest in sex
Confusion over one’s feelings toward the abuser (if the abuser was a friend or family member)
Negative feelings or thoughts about one’s body
Suicidal thoughts and behaviors (making plans, writing a note, attempting suicide, etc.)
Changing one’s routine to avoid the location of the attack
Emotional volatility
Acting out as a form of rebellion
Mistrusting those in authority (if the abuser held a role of power)
Difficulty being naked in front of others; covering up with layers of clothing
Startling when one is touched by others
Becoming very controlling
Growing angry and upset in situations that remind one of the attack
Difficulty trusting others
Difficulty standing up for oneself
Maintaining platonic relationships where sex is not a possibility
Becoming overly protective of loved ones and the vulnerable people in one’s life
Telling a therapist, trusted friend, or loved one about the assault
Trying to affect change by telling one’s story, donating time or money, or lobbying
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Alert, cautious, courageous, disciplined, discreet, empathetic, gentle, independent, meticulous, nurturing, obedient, observant, pensive, private, protective, socially aware, supportive
Flaws: Addictive, antisocial, callous, childish, controlling, dishonest, disrespectful, hostile, inhibited, insecure, reckless, resentful, rowdy, self-destructive, subservient, suspicious, uncommunicative, volatile
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Seeing a TV show or movie that depicts a sexual assault
Experiencing a sensory stimulus that triggers memories of the assault
Meeting the perpetrator unexpectedly at a social event like a reunion, party, or charity event
Seeing the perpetrator with a child or person who could potentially be a victim
Being approached from behind unexpectedly
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Unintentionally driving away a desired lover or spouse, then realizing one’s mistake
Wanting a romantic relationship to move forward, but to do so, one must open up about what happened and face possible rejection
Hearing about a friend’s sexual assault and gaining the courage to speak up or seek help
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BEING STALKED
EXAMPLES: Stalkers are typically obsessed with their subjects, either out of a romantic interest, from the belief that the subjects have rejected or slighted them in some way, or another reason they themselves may not completely know or understand. Stalkers come in many forms, including…
A fan whose mail went unanswered
A former business partner
A student whose scholarship application was denied
An artist whose work failed to win a contest or received a poor review
An ex-lover
An acquaintance whose romantic advances were rejected
An unstable employee overlooked for a promotion
Someone suffering delusions of unrequited love
A serial killer or rapist
A deranged individual who develops an inexplicable fascination with a certain person
Someone who feels he was slighted, ignored, or under-appreciated in a specific way
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I caused this by encouraging him in some way.
If I hadn’t been so friendly (or turned her down for a date, etc.) this wouldn’t be happening to me.
People know I am weak and will always try to hurt me.
My judgment is flawed; I should have seen this person as a threat from the beginning.
No place or person is truly safe.
The authorities are powerless to help me.
Trusting the good in people is naïve and dangerous.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
For their life
That the stalker will get out of jail and seek revenge
That the stalking will never end (if it is ongoing)
Trusting the wrong person
Letting anyone get close in case they too become obsessed
That innocent family members or loved ones may be victimized by association
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Insomnia and fatigue
Loss of appetite
Isolating oneself; avoiding unnecessary social interactions
Avoiding social media or shutting down one’s accounts
Clinging to those one knows is safe
Relying on loved ones to make decisions due to doubting one’s discernment and judgment
Becoming overprotective of loved ones and pets
Becoming overly suspicious and paranoid
Developing a mental disorder like agoraphobia or depression
PTSD symptoms (nightmares, flashbacks, startling easily, irritability, etc.)
Difficulty focusing on everyday tasks
Making changes to throw off a stalker (moving, changing one’s name or appearance, etc.)
Becoming very concerned with personal safety
Self-medicating through food, alcohol, or drugs
Bouts of irrational self-blame
Engaging in critical self-assessment to discern what caused the attention
Shedding attributes one believes caused the stalking (e.g., trading friendliness for hostility)
Hypertension, gastrointestinal issues, sexual dysfunction, and other stress-related physical symptoms
Performing poorly at work or school
Giving up hobbies and activities that take one out of the home
Difficulty trusting others
Not talking to people or responding to casual friendliness
Avoiding romantic relationships
Weight gain or weight loss as a result of stress
Being unable to enjoy life fully or let go of worry
Being more alert and aware of one’s surroundings
Making safer choices and taking necessary precautions
Joining a self-defense class
Being more community-minded; extending security efforts to include everyone in one’s apartment building or neighborhood
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Alert, appreciative, cautious, disciplined, discreet, empathetic, focused, independent, nurturing, observant, private, proactive, protective, resourceful, sensible
Flaws: Addictive, controlling, defensive, hostile, humorless, inhibited, insecure, irrational, needy, nervous, paranoid, suspicious, temperamental, timid, uncommunicative, volatile, worrywart
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Having one’s picture taken
Seeing someone who looks like the stalker
A sensory trigger tied to one’s stalker (a certain song being hummed, the scent of roses, etc.)
Milestones (a holiday, an annual work party, etc.) that occurred at the time of the stalking
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Being put into the same situation that created one’s stalker in the first place (having to promote someone within the company, being asked out on a date and wanting to decline, etc.)
Learning that one’s stalker has been freed from jail
Getting into a relationship with someone who begins to exhibit possessiveness or jealousy
Discovering that a love interest has a history of domestic violence or emotional instability
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BEING TREATED AS PROPERTY
EXAMPLES
Being prostituted
Being enslaved
Being sold to another person
Having one’s marriage arranged against one’s will
Being given to traffickers
Being raised as a donor (organs, marrow, etc.) for a family member
Being forced to do things one doesn’t want to do in order to benefit others
One’s value being determined by how much money, power, or prestige a special quality such as beauty, strength, or virtue may bring
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I have no value.
I exist merely to benefit others.
What I want doesn’t matter.
This must be what love looks like.
This is normal.
I’ll never be free.
My will is not my own.
I’m no better than an animal.
I’ll only be free in death.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Being sold or given away to someone worse
Being abused and hurt
Becoming attached to someone and then having to leave them
Being used by others
Never escaping the culture of abuse
Being killed because their value is no longer the same
Never experiencing unconditional love
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Becoming highly obedient in hopes of winning a handler’s favor and avoiding punishment
Losing one’s will or identity; associating solely with one’s captors
Being cowed by anyone in authority
Doing one’s best to fly under the radar and not attract attention
Having little or no self-esteem
Being unable to feel or express certain emotions
Engaging in detachment or dissociation to get through the abuse