by Harlow Layne
I was glad West had Coach in his corner because, at the time, I felt like the school would let everything they’d done to West slide under the mat and forget it ever happened.
“While West didn’t tell me everything about you and your situation. I’m not even sure he knows, from what little I do know and have gathered by instinct, we were the same when I was your age. Well, kind of.” He laughed uncomfortably again. “When I was in high school, I fell in love with my best friend — my male best friend — and we were going to run away to be with each other once we graduated high school.”
I was pretty sure my jaw was hanging open, and I looked like my eyes were going to pop out of my head. Coach Kyle was gay? Holy shit.
“I see you’re surprised by that. Kind of like I was when West told me about you. Most people think you can just look at someone and tell if they’re gay or not, and while you can sometimes, that’s not always the case.”
“I had no idea. When West told me it might be good for us to talk, I thought he’d lost his mind or that you’d taken some class on troubled teens,” I admitted.
“I wish I had someone older and accepting to talk to back then because I fucked up my life for ten years. I was so depressed and in a really bad place, but finally, I decided to stop living my life as a lie.”
“What happened? Why didn’t you go with your friend?”
“Because I was scared of what my family would do if they found out. I was sure they’d send me to one of those conversion camps to ‘un-gay’ you. I lived in a small town where everyone knew your business, and I knew I’d never be accepted if they knew I was in love with my best friend.” He took a deep breath and let out a shaky breath. His eyes were unfocused as if he was back to being that teenage boy once again. “So, one-night Archer had to leave a party we went to early because someone skipped out on a shift where he worked, I got drunk, and to prove that I wasn’t gay, I had sex with a cheerleader that I knew liked me.”
Coach scrubbed a hand over his jaw and looked back at me. “A few days before we were supposed to leave, Kenzie came to me and told me she was pregnant. I didn’t want to believe her, but unbeknownst to me that night, I took her virginity. Taking the coward’s way out, I left Archer a note and told him I was marrying Kenzie. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t try to give my baby the best life possible.”
To say I was gobsmacked would have been an understatement. While our stories weren’t the same, they were a lot alike.
“Did you marry her?” I asked stupidly. I knew he had to have since he said he was unhappy for ten years.
“I did, and for a long time, Kenzie didn’t know how I felt about my long-lost friend until she noticed how unhappy I was. It was then I knew I couldn’t live a lie any longer. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, but you can only live for them for so long. It’s amazing what they pick up on.”
“You have more than one?”
“Yeah, for a while there, I regularly got drunk, so I could perform my husbandly duties. What was expected of me.” He hung his head. “I’m not proud of that. If Kenzie had known, or hell if I’d known, I’d never be able to love her, we never would have gotten married. Eventually, we got divorced, but I still couldn’t be who I wanted to be living where I was.”
“What changed for you?” I couldn’t see how anything in my life would change to make me tell the world how I felt about West. My parents would finally disown me, and what would Oz and the rest of my semi-friends think of me?
“My ten-year high school reunion. Archer came back, and damn if he didn’t look better than ever. He spent a few days with me, showing me what I was missing, but it was Kenzie who suggested I move here to be with Archer. She and the kids moved here as well. We’re one big, dysfunctional, but happy family. Archer and I even adopted a little boy that looks just like him.”
Pulling out his phone, Coach showed me a picture of him with a tall, good looking black man that resembled Taye Diggs, two blond children, one boy and one little girl, and then a little dark-skinned boy. It was a nice family, and it made me realize if I wanted that someday in the distant future, I could have it.
“That’s my family, and I can honestly say I’ve never been happier.” He tucked his phone back into his pocket. “I want that for you as well.”
I was a long way away from having a family. If ever.
“Besides what happened with West, Willow Bay is very accepting. While I don’t shout from the rooftops, I’m gay, I have no problem holding hands with my boyfriend while out in public. The entire staff here knows, and I’ve never gotten any indication anyone holds any ill will toward me.”
“I’ve been with girls,” I rushed out as if saying those words exonerated me from my feelings for West.
“Okay, so you’re bi.”
I recoiled at the word.
“Are you attracted to men?” he asked gently.
It was hard for me to admit, but I did. “I’m attracted to West.”
“Okay, that’s a good step. Are you attracted to women?”
I hesitated to answer.
Laying a hand on my arm, Coach tried to get me to open up. “I promise whatever you say to me is in confidence. I won’t tell West or anyone else.”
He didn’t know I didn’t want to answer because of how horrible it made me sound. “Do I want to do sexual acts with them? No, but I have and can, so no one will know the truth.”
“What do you think will happen if the people in your life know you’re gay?” It was such a simple question, but the consequences were anything but.
“My family will disown me,” I stated with a voice that sounded dead even to my own ears. “My friends will probably want nothing to do with me.”
“Why do you say that?” Coach asked with genuine curiosity.
“They won’t accept me, and they’ll think I want to suck their cocks.”
Coach choked out a strangled laugh and then held his hands up. “I’m sorry. That was inappropriate, but I can’t fault you when I felt the same way at your age. While some people who are uneducated or bigoted might think that way, I can assure you most do not. I don’t think you find me attractive, and I know I’m a good-looking man.”
A shot of laughter escaped from me. “Good one, Coach.”
“I think your friends want you to be happy, and if liking guys or just West is what makes you happy, they’ll be fine with your choice. Do they like West or treat him any different?”
“Not that I know of. Sometimes I think they like him more than me. How can I be with him when I’ve been nothing but horrible to him?” I couldn’t believe I’d asked that of my coach.
“The only one who can answer that is West. It’s up to him if he can forgive you for the way you’ve treated him. Can I ask you something?”
Now he was asking? My only response was to shrug. I was feeling too raw in the moment to speak.
“Why do you treat West badly if you like him?”
I let out a bitter laugh. Wasn’t it obvious? “Because I don’t like the way he makes me feel. I don’t like what the consequences would be if I let myself be with him.”
“I understand that, but are you willing to live an unhappy life?”
That was the question, wasn’t it?
“I hate to say this, and correct me if I’m wrong, but after talking to your parents when you were in the hospital, I don’t think it matters what you do. This is totally unprofessional of me, but they seem like assholes. Trust me, I know them when I see them.”
“You’re not wrong, but if they find out, I’ll be cut off. How will I pay for school?” Food and housing, for that matter.
“We can work on getting you a scholarship for next year if you’re worried. I know your grades are good enough.” I must have given him some kind of look because he continued. “I know all my players' grades. I want to make sure everyone can play and that they’re not close to losing any scholarships.”
I smiled at him and admitted. “You’re a good coac
h. I’m glad I talked to you, but I still don’t know what I’m going to do, though.”
“It’s a big life choice. I don’t expect you to make the decision overnight. Give it time. Talk to your friends and West. I have faith in them.”
It would kill me if Oz no longer wanted to be my friend, but did I want to live the rest of my life unhappy or live a lie? No, I didn’t want that.
“Are you planning on going home for the holidays to be with your family?”
That was a strange question, but I answered anyway. “In all actuality, I wasn’t planning on ever going back. I’ve only heard from my mother the day I moved and my father once I got out of the hospital for him to tell me what a disappointment I am.”
“That sucks, kid, I’m not going to lie. You’re more than welcome to come to my house for Thanksgiving. It might help you to see what your future could look like.”
“Are you not having family over or going to see them?”
“My family disowned me after I got divorced, but now I’ve got a new family. I’ve got Archer, my kids, Kenzie, and my team. I want you to know you can come and talk to me anytime you want. My door is always open. I’ll even give you my cell phone number. I’ve been where you are, and I don’t want to see you unhappy like I was. Don’t waste ten years when you can be happy now. I’ll do whatever I can to help you; all you’ve got to do is ask.”
Placing my elbows on my knees, I let my hands hang down along with my head. I was overwhelmed by all of Coach’s words. I thought West was crazy for asking me to talk to Coach, but now I understood why.
“Thanks for agreeing to talk to me. You’ve given me a lot to think about, but most of all, hope.”
“You’re welcome, Fin. I know the struggle.” Coach got up and went to his desk. He picked up a card and wrote something on it. “This has all my contact info on it. I’m here for you day or night. Except during practice and games.” He chuckled to himself. “Speaking of, I’d like you to still come to both. While you can’t train, you can help Conley and me. The help would be welcome, and hopefully, it will make you still feel like part of the team.” I didn’t really want to help make Conley better. What if he got better than me, and then they didn’t need me next year? “Will I see you at tonight’s game?”
“I’ll be there.”
Coach looked me over. “Wear jeans and a button-down until you can wear your jersey. Did the doctor say how long you’d have to wear your sling?”
“Nope, but I have to go back every week for him to check me out.” Probably another way for him to make sure I wasn’t overdoing it.
“How’s the pain?” he asked, not taking his eyes off my arm.
“Worse after last night, which reminds me. I need to send you this video. Can I AirDrop it to you?”
Coach nodded, pulling out his phone. “Got it. What happened last night?”
“Watch the video,” I said as I started to leave his office. I didn’t want to tell him how they got the jump on me. “Thanks for everything, Coach.”
“Anytime. Good luck, Fin.” He waved as I closed the door.
Taking a deep breath, I headed toward West, who was waiting on me. Today felt like the first day of the rest of my life.
21
West
After Fin asked me if I would drive him back home to get changed for the game, he’d remained silent. I wasn’t sure what I expected to happen after he talked to Coach, but silence wasn’t it. Maybe he’d rage at me for finally having to speak about being gay.
Fin headed upstairs to change while I made myself a protein shake to drink before heading back to the field to warm up for the game. I was chugging my drink when Fin found me in the kitchen with a scowl on his face. His black hair was slicked back and out of his face, and he wore a black button-down shirt to match. He had on the same jeans but changed his shoes to a pair of black tennis shoes that looked brand new.
I couldn’t imagine being able to drop a hundred dollars or more any time I wanted for a new pair of shoes. Looking at him, it was obvious how different we were.
He stood watching me, making me feel a new sense of discomfort for the first time around him. Trying to break the strange feeling, I asked. “Have you heard from Oz?”
“He sent me a text saying he was going straight to the field since he was running behind.” Fin looked over his shoulder. “Shouldn’t you get going as well?”
“Yeah, let me rinse this, and we’re out.” As I rinsed my protein shake bottle, I wondered why Fin was acting strange around me now. Was it because I had him talk to Coach? Did it not go well, and he was angry at me for making him?
“Do you want me to drive your SUV again?” I asked, twirling the keys around my finger.
“That’s fine,” he said without looking at me.
Maybe Fin needed time. Hell, I didn’t know, but I couldn’t waste my energy on him then. I needed to get in the zone, or we’d have a shitty game. Especially with him gone.
As I was pulling into the football stadium’s parking lot, Fin spoke, shocking the shit out of me. “How can you want to be with me when I’ve treated you like shit for so long?”
Was he feeling guilty?
I wasn’t sure how to answer or if I could, so I waited until I found a parking spot and turned off his car before I turned to him. “While I can’t fully understand why you’re ashamed of your attraction to me, I understand why you acted the way you have. That’s not to say I’ve liked it because that would be a lie. What I can say is if you want to be with me, then I won’t accept that kind of treatment in the future.”
Fin turned to look out his window. I could see his eyes were trained far off in the distance when he spoke. “If I wanted to do this with you, I’m going to mess up. I’ve never been with anyone. It’s ingrained in me to fight back when I feel cornered.”
“I don’t want you to feel cornered, Fin,” I sighed. “It’s up to you how you want to live your life and if you want me in it. Yes, I want to give you, I mean, us a chance, but only if you’re ready. Until you’re ready, I think we should keep our space.”
“I’m not going to say I’m sorry,” he bit out.
“I don’t expect you to, but you can’t expect me to let you treat me like shit either.”
“I don’t want that for you, but I’m not sure I’m ready to share my secret with the world yet.”
I could understand that. Fin was only now coming to terms with whom he was, but I also couldn’t be kept in the closet forever either. I wasn’t sure if he’d ever be ready.
“Tonight, when everyone is back at the house, I want to try and talk to Oz.”
I was shocked he wanted to talk to him so soon, but I didn’t express that to him. Instead, I remained silent to see what else he’d say.
“Right now, I can only take these baby steps. In one instance, I feel like my entire world is falling apart, and in the next light, it’s like I can finally breathe and then back again.”
I wanted to reassure Fin, but I knew I couldn’t. It would take time for him to accept my praise, but this was a big step. I could have been wrong, but after his talk with Coach, I had a feeling Fin wanted to make sure the people he cared about most would support him. Why come out to his friend if I was going to turn him down? If Oz reacted badly to the news, I had a feeling Fin would be stuck firmly in the closet for a long time to come.
Turning to look over at me, he said. “Right now, I can’t give you more.”
Little did Fin realize he was giving me more than I ever thought possible with him.
22
Fin
My heart was beating out of my chest as I watched West slide out of the Rover. He gave me a shy smile when he caught me staring at him.
“Are you coming?” he asked as he slung his duffle over his shoulder.
“I think I’m going to sit here for a little bit. I’ll be in before you hit the field.”
“Sure.” He looked down at his feet and then back up at me. “You don’t have to do anyth
ing you don’t want to do. If you need time…” He shrugged. “I’m trying to understand, Fin, but it’s hard when I’ve always accepted being gay.”
Shifting my gaze, I looked over his shoulder as I spoke. “I need to do it. If I wait…” I might chicken out, which made me such a pussy. “I think I needed the push from you. Realistically I know my parents are never going to accept me if I like you or the president’s daughter. Most of the time, I wonder why they even bothered to have me if they didn’t want kids. Hell, I would have been better off if they hired a nanny to take care of me instead of ignoring me and having my father tell me how disappointed he is in me, my whole life.”
When West’s face fell, and he looked up at me with glassy eyes, I wished I could have taken back my words. What I’d been through didn’t justify why I was an asshole to West or why I couldn’t accept this part of myself.
“You telling me that explains a lot. Even if we never become anything more than friends, I want you to know that you can always talk to me. My door is always open.”
“Go break a leg,” I dismissed him. I couldn’t do this then.
West gave me a sad smile that made me feel even worse but walked away. I hated how West brought so many emotions to the surface. It was easier living in denial.
I continued to sit in my car as I watched player after player arrive and head inside. When Oz pulled up, he didn’t even notice me. His blond hair was in disarray, and he had bags under his eyes as he slowly walked inside. He hadn’t mentioned what was going on with Danica when he left or in any of his text messages. I knew if it was something serious, he would have told me what was going on. Maybe he didn’t want to worry me since he knew I was likely getting bad news from my doctor.
It didn’t matter; I was going to talk to him tonight. I wanted to know what was going on and fuck, what was I going to do if Oz wanted nothing to do with me? We’d been best friends since elementary school. Maybe if he knew I only found West attractive, he’d be okay with it. Hell, I was grasping at straws, and I hadn’t even talked to him yet.