Forever Shade

by Shayne Ford

  I look at him.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. Why not? I love the ocean. And the women. They’re hot,” he says clasping his hands behind his neck.

  I start laughing.

  “As if they’re ugly in Monaco. Or Spain. Or wherever,” I say jokingly.

  He curves his lips into a knowing smile.

  “I didn’t say that. They’re just different… Why wouldn’t you want to live here?” he asks after another pause.

  “The past. I’d inherently run into Elia or someone from her entourage.”

  “Is she still here?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “You said she moved away after divorce.”

  “She did. But knowing her, she probably didn’t go too far. She no longer lives in Seattle–– I know that for a fact. But I wouldn’t be surprised if she lives somewhere close. Last time I heard about her, she had a new man in her life. Loaded–– the way she likes ‘em.”

  “Have you heard from Roger?”

  I click my tongue while I shake my head.

  “Nope. He’s still in Hong Kong, I guess.”

  “What about, um...?”

  I shift my eyes to him.

  He studies me for a moment.

  “Have you thought about calling her?” he finally asks.

  “Have you?”

  He chuckles.

  “Maya and I are a different story.”

  “What’s so different?”

  “You haven’t spoken with Tara since that day. I’m sure she has a ton of questions for you, but even so, you have a good story to tell her,” he says.

  “I’m not so sure about that. I don’t think there’s anything I can say to erase the memory of that day,” I say as I ponder for a moment. “The problem was, there was nothing I could give her that day. I hated the idea that I was trying to convince her of something that wasn’t even in my grasp. Besides, things didn’t quite turn out the way I wanted. She was supposed to trust me. Has she? I have no fucking idea. Probably. I guess…”

  “You don’t sound very convincing.”

  “Because I’m not. I know what she wanted from me, but that was impossible. No matter what I would’ve said, she would’ve never believed that I couldn’t go back to my parents. If I couldn’t convince her up to that point, there was no way in hell I could’ve make her believe in my plan.”

  “She said she’d wait for you. Maybe she did.”

  A sad chuckle falls from my lips.

  “You think she lied?” he asks.

  “No. I don’t think so, but she had no idea what she was waiting for, or for how long. She thought I’d reconcile with Elia and Roger and get my old life back. Work things out with them, perhaps, and maybe find a place for her in their life. Or not. She didn’t care for it at all. All she wanted was not to get caught in the middle. Elia was good. She read her well. She knew a thing or two about Tara. She was aware of her qualities, her integrity and her character and her backbone. Too bad they all worked against Tara that one time. Elia knew Tara wouldn’t compromise and would gladly sacrifice herself than seeing me in that miserable place. But going back to Elia and Roger was never a choice. Tara should’ve known that. What she didn’t know about me–– although she might’ve suspected it, later on, was that I had that planned way before I met her.”

  Taking a long breath, I look up at the sky.

  “I’m sure she figured out things by now. And I’m pretty sure she hates me.”

  “Is that why you didn’t call her?”

  “Yeah... maybe. I don’t know how to deal with that. I can’t see hatred in her eyes. She’s the only woman I have ever loved. I still love her, but I can’t think of anything right now to make things right again and patch them up. Bring back what we had. I don’t even know if that is possible. I’m afraid not… ” I say. “What we had was perfect in many ways. Despite all the obstacles, we felt connected. This is not only about us not talking all this time. It’s about shattering trust and walking to different paths. It’s about the memory of that time. It’s all stacked against us. I may be a coward in a way… But it breaks my heart to think that I’d meet her one day and face the unforgiving reality, the fact that we are the same people perhaps, or no longer need the same things. That’s why I’m afraid to call her.”

  His eyes stay on me while I run a hand through my hair.

  “Besides, going back to that moment… There are no words to make her feel better. It wasn’t fair to her–– I know that, and she got caught in our power game and got crushed by Elia. Me leaving only made things worse.”

  We share a moment of silence.

  “Besides, it’s been some time…” I say, and smile, sad. “I’m sure she’s found someone else. I can’t face all that. I’d rather have her in mind the way she used to be. Full of love for me. And trust. The trust that now is gone...” I say, my voice trailing off. “Without trust love never survives.”

  “You can find out if she moved on.”

  “Yeah, I could, but a PI wouldn’t give me the scoop on how she feels about me. I can’t stand the idea of seeing the woman who once loved me, emptied of me, or feeling hate perhaps. Or even worse, indifference. I have been cherishing that memory of her for so long I can’t just rip the image of her loving me out of my mind.”

  “You can always tell her the truth,” he mutters.

  “Yeah, I could. But I can’t turn back time. And I don’t think it would make her feel differently about me anyway.”

  He observes me for a moment before he speaks again.

  “I know you, Hennessy. Whatever way you spin it, this story is not gonna die the way you think it would. You need to face reality and see if there’s anything left for you in her. Otherwise, you’ll be forever restless.”

  I smile.

  “Is that how I am right now?”

  A small grin tilts his lips.

  “Uh-huh. You can’t put it to rest. No matter how long you dance around it, you can’t do it. And the only reason––I think, you are so reluctant to go to her is because she still has power over you.”

  “Maybe.”

  He laughs.

  “Maybe, my ass. There was not one thing in your life that you had a hard time to face, except for her. You’re still very much caught in her, and she’s very much alive inside you, and there’s no way you can let her go unless you talk to her.”

  “And what’s your excuse for not calling Maya?” I ask, turning the tables on him.

  He smiles and looks away, hiding his eyes and his expression.

  “Right. That’s how you know why I feel the way I do,” I say. “You’re in the same kind of jam.”

  He waves me off, annoyed.

  “It was different for me,” he says, still evading my eyes.

  “How was that different?”

  He looks at me.

  “I’m not saying the promise wasn’t there, but everything else was against us. That’s not the case with you and Tara. If I know anything about women, she has a hard time to let go of you as much as you have a hard time to let go of her.”

  “Not after all this time... I don’t think so.”

  “At least there is a slight chance. I don’t even have that,” he mutters, annoyed.

  He stays quiet for a second before he tilts his gaze at me.

  “Perspective is a bitch,” he says quietly in a low voice. “At the time, I didn’t know what kind of woman Maya was. I knew she was special, but that was about it. She called me several times, and I gave her the run around every single time before I just stopped taking her calls. Being stupid didn’t help a bit. Sure I had good reasons. I wasn’t on my own. And then, there was the distance between us. But there wasn’t much story between us to hold on to. We fucked that night, and that was that. We hadn’t spent much time together, and I didn’t know much about her. Fucking thing, now I do…” he says, chuckling and running his fingers through his hair. “The women I met after her taught me a lot about her. I know what
she was for me.”

  “That’s one good, solid reason to call her.”

  “I would if I wouldn’t be afraid that she’d blow me off. It’s the same damn thing,” he says and sighs. “Anyway, I’m gonna go now, and catch some sleep,” he says, pushing out of his chair.

  He ambles to one of the bedrooms while I peel off my clothing and dive into the pool.

  TARA

  “Mmm.... These are good,” Maya says, munching on a croissant.

  She takes a sip of espresso and goes back at indulging on the flaky pastry and the bits of chocolate.

  Pleasure rolls onto her face.

  She swallows the last bite, runs a napkin across her lips, and leans back into her chair.

  “I love the view,” she says, her gaze coasting over the city skyline.

  Farther west, the ocean glimmers blue-gray, catching the morning light.

  “So, did you have fun last night?” she asks, flashing a smile.

  Her eyes squint against the light while she waits for my answer.

  I muse over something.

  “What? Wasn’t he good?”

  “He was great actually,” I say sheepishly.

  “What was the problem then?”

  “He reminded me of Shade. Looking like him sure didn’t make things easier. Quite the opposite.”

  She looks at me, intrigued.

  “Okay. If you say so. Did he have fun?”

  A laugh rocks my chest.

  “Yeah... He did. A lot of fun.”

  A smile hangs onto my lips as the memory comes back to me.

  “Anyway, he picked up on that as well.”

  “On what?”

  “He knew that my mind was wandering somewhere else. He was nice enough not to say anything. Other than that, everything else was great.”

  “Better than nothing,” she says.

  “Yeah... I guess.”

  “It gets better. You’ll see.”

  “Are you speaking from your own experience? Are things better for you now?”

  She shrugs.

  “It’s hard to tell. Sometimes they are. Sometimes... not so much. I’m still thinking about him. He’s not the kind of man you can easily forget.”

  Her eyes slant to her cup of coffee.

  “The men I’m dating right now are good, but he was different. It’s rare to meet a man courageous enough to be with you all the way while he fucks you. They don’t mind giving you their bodies, but they don’t care to share anything else besides that. You feel them disconnected, and you don’t feel much of them inside you. And I don’t mean their dicks.”

  “I know exactly what you mean,” I mutter, chewing on a piece of croissant.

  “It’s not about the words they say. A lot of them can talk your ear off. A lot of it is bullshit too–– you can tell. They say what they think a woman wants to hear, but most of them don’t bother to read a woman. Even if we only been together once, Chad was not like that. That night he had all of me, and he gave me all of him. Right there and then we felt like one. I knew who he was, even if only for a moment. There were no apologies, no hesitance. And no questions asked. He knew what I wanted. And he knew how to make me feel as if I belonged to him. That’s something hard to forget. That night he loved me as if I was the beginning and the ending for him. As if he knew that I needed it and wanted it for so long. He was open to me the same way Shade was open to you when you met him that first night. That’s why I felt as if he carved a part of me and took it with him when he left. But after all this time and silence, it’s hard to figure out what’s what. One thing is sure. For some reason, I can’t let go of him, and every time I meet someone new, I’m hoping that he can make me feel the same way. No chance,” she says, disappointed. “Damn him,” she mutters, suddenly dark.

  “It will go away.”

  “Sure, it will. You’re the perfect example,” she says.

  We share a sad chuckle.

  “Time will make the memories fade away. You’ll see. In the meantime, we have the company to focus on,” I say, smiling. “Speaking of that. I booked a private meeting with a couple of private investors next week.”

  “You said that you were not interested in investors at some point.”

  “I did, but this might work. Lauren convinced me that they are exactly what we need. We ran the numbers again and discussed the projected revenue for next year. Soon, we won’t be able to sustain this kind of growth. We have to do something. The people we meet are young like us. They may be able to provide us with the kind of support that we need without altering the brand or my vision. They’re looking at startups with a lot of growth potential. We’re the perfect candidate. They made big money with a tech company that’s now insanely valued. They must’ve done something right.”

  “Okay…” she says, without sounding very convincing.

  “I know… I know. I’ve been putting this off for some time, precisely because I hated the idea of having someone else breathe down my neck, but this might help us a lot. We go and meet them. There’s no obligation of any kind. It’s only a meeting, not a real pitch or negotiation. I don’t have an investment deck ready anyway. But I don’t want to put this off any longer. It won’t cost us a thing if we get in the room with these guys.”

  “When is the meeting?”

  “Thursday or Friday. She has to confirm with them. I’ll be back by then.”

  “Okay,” she says, checking the time on her phone. “I have to go now. Call me if you need me.”

  Smoothly, she pulls out of her chair, and struts away, her body clad in a long, open back, slinky, summer dress from our latest clothing collection.

  “That looks good on you,” I say.

  She glances at me over her shoulder.

  “Thank you. I like your swimsuit too. Seemingly, we shop at the same place,” she says jokingly while swinging the door open.

  She waves me goodbye and vanishes out the door.

  I pull out of my chair, amble to the pool and sink slowly into the crystal clear water.

  6

  TARA

  It’s been twelve months.

  Down to the day and down to the hour.

  Looking for ghosts is never a good idea, especially when those ghosts have taken residence in your mind and heart for so long.

  It’s been a long time of conflicted emotions, reflection, and introspection. I’ve learned more about myself since he left that day than what I’d known about myself before I met him.

  He must’ve had his reasons for vanishing like that.

  Have I let him down?

  I probably have, but he must’ve known why.

  Was he angry? Most likely.

  Still, he was the one who pulled away from me. And I wish I knew what made him do that.

  As hurtful as it was to think about it, I’m fairly sure not loving me was not the reason. And that’s exactly why it’s hard to let go of him even after all this time.

  If I learned anything about him back then was that Shade was a man of his word. As strangely as it was that the whole thing unraveled in the end, I know he loved me. I also know that he meant the words he said to me.

  I wasn’t a fling to him.

  He didn’t believe in messing with a woman’s heart, and I know I was his woman. He never led me to believe otherwise.

  He had this rare quality of knowing who he was and what he needed or wanted. When he set his eyes on something or someone, that was it. There were no hesitations or second guesses, and he was never torn or doubted his decision.

  I've never doubted his love for me too, but that only made things complicated. Had he not loved me, I would’ve easily let go of him a long time ago.

  I hope he didn’t do it on purpose– have me hooked on him so that he could go out there and do something about his life while I felt stranded, waiting for him, my heart and head a mess.

  Sometimes, it feels that way.

  What if it was nothing but a game?

  I wave off that la
st thought and roll down the car window, hoping that the fresh air can clear my head.

  Veering the car onto the gravel road, I ran my gaze over the trees.

  It’s a quiet summer evening, the temperature mild for this time of year. A soft breeze carrying the scent of blooming flowers blows in my hair.

  I steer my ride left as I drive past the iron gates and slowly near the building. Minutes later, I come to a full stop in front of the building. The parking lot is packed with vehicles, more coming, very few leaving.

  I find a spot on the side, turn off the engine and step out.

  Small pebbles crunch beneath my heels as I strut across, heading to the stairs.

  Glancing around, I take in my surroundings.

  Everything looks the same–– the building, the pleasant summer evening, and even the noise coming from upstairs.

  It feels as if time stood still.

  As if Shade and I have never crossed paths in this very place.

  Like then, the second floor is flooded with light while the first floor is wrapped in darkness. A sound of music, voices, and laughter ripples through the air.

  I take the few stairs up, my heart throbbing in my throat. Nervously, I push through the main doors and walk across the empty lobby.

  “It’s on the second floor,” a male voice rings out behind me.

  I halt and turn around.

  “The event you’re looking for,” the security guy says.

  “Oh, yes. Sure... Thank you.”

  “It started an hour ago,” he says, keen to make conversation.

  “Yeah, I know. The traffic was really bad,” I say, gracing him with a smile before I pull away.

  I skip the elevator and take the stairs instead. A few moments later, I walk on the floor where the event takes place.

  Groups of people fill the foyer.

  It’s a corporate event from what I can tell.

  I let my eyes skim the crowd as if I’m looking for someone I know before I walk across and take a different set of stairs that take me to the lower level.

  Wrapped in darkness, the terrace is deserted.

  I throw a glance at the farthest corner, still chasing his ghost. The concrete echoes hollowly beneath my heels, similar to how I feel.