by Pua Ramona
She gives me a what fuck look and says “Because she’s none of your business, and she’s welcome here anytime.” I’m not going to lie, that stings a little because I know Lei’s right, but still a little head’s up would’ve been nice. I walk over to the door to see where Reese is and I feel the air leave my body when I see how beautiful she is. I don’t want her to see me so I stay back and just watch her like a fucking creep. Shit, she’s gorgeous and all she’s wearing are yoga pants that make her ass pop and a red tank top with her hair in one of those messy knot things. She was the most beautiful woman ever, breathtaking even. I can’t hear her conversation with Reese, but I can see that she’s smiling. Reese carries her daughter to the other side of the cupcake counter and I feel a burning feeling in my chest. I’m fucking jealous because he’s talking to Sina and that he’s holding Emma. I watch Sina as she heads over to the counter to join the queue put in her order, and grabs a couple of cupcakes, eating them as she stands in line. How does she manage to make the simplest of things look so damn cute. I want to go talk to her so bad, but I know she isn’t ready for that talk, not after the shit that I pulled. She gets her coffee grabs herself another cupcake and my heart starts to hurt, fuck I miss her. Even though we haven’t had an actual conversation, I fucking miss her. I grab my chest and feel the back of my eyes stinging. She goes to an empty table and she just sits. Five minutes later she relaxes back into her seat, closes her eyes and I see her chest move with slow, deep inhales. It's like she just took her first real breath of fresh air and I die some more watching her at peace. I know I’m being extra creepy, but I just want to watch her, she pulls out her phone and smiles. That's my smile, the one she gives me when I'm not being a dick. Who the hell is she texting? I feel my chest burn with so much jealousy, I’m fucking pissed, I don’t want her to give my smile to anyone else because it belongs to me.
I step back into the office and I want to start punching holes in the walls. Is this what she felt like when Becca’s name slipped out of my mouth? Is this how she felt when all she asked for was her sunrise but I treated her like shit? Because right now I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my damn chest. I’m hurting and I have no one to blame but myself. I take a deep breath and grab my wallet. I walk back out and Lei stops talking, her eyes following where mine are already and zeroing in on Sina and fucking Marino who’s now sitting at her table.
Lei looks back at me with a smug face and says “Hmm well look at that they must be on a coffee date.”
I looked at her and say, “That’s not fucking funny Lei. I thought you said she wasn't doing good?”
“Maybe she’s decided to deal with her issues and is now moving on.”
I don’t like how I feel when she says “moving on”. What the fuck does that even mean? I didn’t expect to see her here at all. I would rather her still be at home crying. I know I’m a selfish motherfucker but I’m not okay with Sina moving on, especially if she’s moving on without me.
I watch the way he looks at her and I know he sees her the way we all do because he gazes at her the same way I wished she would look at me. In total awe. Fuck, when they said karma’s a bitch, they weren’t lying because this shit is fucking killing me. Her cheeks flush as she gives him a shy smile and he leans in and kisses her forehead.
I feel my hands shaking. No one kisses her forehead but me, I don’t give a fuck how bad I fucked up she’s mine. I know technically speaking, she’s not, but every fiber of my being wants her to be my everything. I stand there feeling my heart crack as I watch her fall for him a little. She may not know it, but I do because I’ve seen her look at me the same way. The way she did when I saw her for the first time again after being gone for eight years. I can't take it anymore and start walking to the front of the store.
“Eli, do not start shit”, Lei growls.
I give her my best innocent smile and tell her “I know I fucked up Lei, but she’s mine.”
She rolls her eyes and says “Just let her be Eli, she needs a new normal.”
I don’t stop because I’m going to be her fucking new normal, even if it means I have to beg her for another chance. I see Leila heading over to Reese and I'm pretty sure she’s going to tell on me, but whatever. I need to fucking talk to my girl who’s noticed me walking over and is looking at me like I don’t phase her. Is she serious right now? The Asshole sees me coming and starts fucking pouting, what a fucking dick. I give him a slight head nod and stand right in front of her.
“Can I speak with you?” I ask her as Asshole starts frowning at me. “Privately.” I grind out because I am not having this conversation with that dick listening in.
She gets up from her seat and says “Give me a minute Marino.” Fucking Marino, stupid ass name.
I look at him and say, “You don’t have to wait”
He gives me a smug look and says “I’ll meet you at the gym, gorgeous.” And this asshole fucking kisses her forehead.Again.
Did she just fucking blush over another guy while I’m standing right here? Are you fucking serious? Fuck that!
Before she can say bye to the douche canoe I grab her by the hand and say “You just pissed me the fuck off Babe.”
She pulls her arm out of my grip and says, “I’m not your damn Babe and I’ll do whatever the hell I want.”
What the fuck? Reese sees us and Sina says “I’ll be fine. Could you keep an eye on Emma please?” and they both nod yes in response.
Leila looks at me and says “Use my office. And you better be nice Eli.”
Before I can answer Sina says “Thanks Leila, but I’ll be fine.” The look she has on her face is just blank and I can’t read her. I don’t know what she’s thinking and it stresses me the fuck out. She walks ahead of me and of course my eyes land on her tight ass. Fuck me. I walk around her, giving her some space, and I want to make sure that she knows she can feel safe with me., leaving it up to her if the door is closed or not. When I turn to look at her she’s locking the door and closing the blinds. What the hell is she doing? She gives me the sexiest fucking smile and starts walking toward me. I am fucked, this girl owns me.
Chapter Seventeen
Sina
I knew it was a bad idea when I agreed to talk to him, but when I saw him walking to our table with a purpose, my feelings for Marino were overshadowed by everything I was feeling for this asshole of a man. What can I say? Eli is everything that is sexy, everything that is irritating and he is beautiful to boot. I can’t stand the man, and I hate how he frustrates the crap out of me sexually. Really Sina? This is the man that made you come numerous times, then called you by another girl’s name. Yeah, I’m still upset about that, but I’m not going to allow him to control my feelings anymore. I am done allowing people control my feelings, I am done crying over men who place me second, I am done feeling like I am not worthy. I am not going to allow my heart to go through all the bullshit again. I am ready to deal with my shit, and I am ready to move on with my heart intact.
He stands there watching me with lust in his eyes, and I love it. I make sure to lock the door, and close the blinds just in case things get ugly. I feel my face flush as another piece of my heart finds it’s beat again. I watch him swallow a couple of times, and notice that he’s getting nervous. I shouldn’t be feeling this way, but I can’t help how drawn I am to him. I start walking toward him and I feel my ovaries explode. I stop in front of him and say “Hey you.”
His eyes close and his forehead rests on mine “Hey you” he whispers back. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me close to him, breathing in deeply as he squeezes me.
“Did you just smell me?” I laugh.
He chuckles with his face in my hair and says “Yeah. Is that okay?”
“As long as I don’t stink, then I guess that’s okay.” He holds me tighter and I know he’s sorry, because I can feel it in the way he wraps himself around me, in the way he’s breathing, and the way he stays quiet. He moves his face so I can see him and starts
to say something but I stop him with a kiss that’s connected to my soul. I know what he was going to say and I want him to just feel me without words. I only want him to feel me with his heart. I know I shouldn’t but we both need this, my feelings are on my sleeve and I let everything go. I want him to see me.
“Sina,” he whispers. I step back and pull my top off, my yoga pants are next to come off and I hear Eli clear his throat. I take a few steps back to where I stood earlier, and he sucks in a deep breath. “You’re so damn beautiful'' he says.
I reach for his tie and start taking it off. Reaching for his pants and untucking his long sleeve dress shirt that looks like it’s been painted onto his body. I’m working on the buttons as he leans in and kisses my shoulder. I close my eyes and allow myself to feel this moment happening. I slide his shirt off and toss it to the side as he stands there with his eyes closed, breathing heavily. I stand on the tip of my toes, wrapping my arms around his neck, and kiss the corner of his mouth. I work my way to his lips and run my tongue over his bottom lip, sucking on it lightly. I feel his heart beating fast so I kiss him harder, he opens my mouth with his tongue and devours me.
This kiss feels so different because he isn’t only kissing me because he’s turned on. He’s kissing me with his feelings. He mouths his way along my neck and slowly down between my breasts. He unhooks the clasp on my bra and it joins my top on the floor. He leans in and takes my already hard nipple in his mouth and he sucks on it. My head automatically falls back and I moan, “Mmm.” He makes his way to my other nipple and does the same thing, sucking on it and then pulling on it with his teeth.
I’m so turned on that I feel my panties get wet. His hands are everywhere. He slides inside my panties and says “Fuck, you’re so wet, babe.” Running his fingers against my lips and then on my clit. “You smell so fucking good” he says. I feel him sticking his finger inside of me and I almost lose it.
“Fuck, that feels so good” I moan in his ear. He kisses my neck, biting me behind the ear as he shoves another finger inside me. “Aah. Oh my God, Eli” I cry out into his shoulder. He continues to rub on my clit and starts pumping his fingers in and out of me. I stop him because I don’t want to come yet and if he carries on I’ll lose myself in seconds.
“Do you want to stop Baby? Cause we don’t have to do this if you don't want to,” he says looking nervous, neither of us wanting a repeat of the aftermath of our sunrise.
I smile at him and say “No, I want this with you Eli.”
He leans in and kisses me again but I make him back up so he can sit on the edge of the desk. I reach for his buckle and take his belt off, flicking his button easily then unzipping his pants. He’s so hard that the head of his dick is sticking out of his Calvins and my mouth is ready to taste him.
“Sina, you don’t have to do this,” he says, realizing my intentions.
“But I want to” I say as I look up at him.
“Fuck.” He sucks in a breath as he helps me get his pants and brief down his thick as fuck legs. I kiss a trail from his mouth, down his neck and onto his chest while I wrap my hand around his dick, and start stroking him.
“Babe” he moans on an exhale. I kiss my way further down to his chest, to his tight as hell abs. I sink to my knees and look up at him. There are so many emotions playing out on his face right now and although I can tell that he’s struggling with this because he’s used to hard and fast sex, I want to show him that there were different ways to love someone and it makes me feel powerful as fuck to take charge and show him something different. That isn’t always about the rush or the adrenaline. I want him to know what being intimate feels like. “Don’t look at me like that Sina, please” he whispers.
I wrap my hand around his dick and I start licking the crown. “Shit” he moans. I kiss the head with my tongue then I slowly wrap my lips around him “Fuck, babe you’re going to make me come if you don’t stop” he says like it’s hurting him. I start sucking hard, I want him to know how turned on I am and how much he affects me too. He grabs my hair and wraps it around his hand ashe starts pushing his dick deep in my throat “Fuck yeah Babe, just like that,” he grunts between pants. I open wider for him and grab both sides of his legs to steady myself as I start sucking him harder and harder. I feel him swell in my mouth and my jaw is starting to get sore, but I don’t stop. I’m too turned on to care. “Sina, if you don’t stop I’m going to come in that pretty mouth of yours'' he moans. I could if i wanted to but, but I want all of him in my mouth. I want to taste him on my tongue. “Sina, fuck please stop” he moans as I keep sucking him until I feel his warm come squirting in my mouth, running down my throat. And I make sure I swallow all of him and lean back on my heels to wipe at the corners of my mouth with my thumb.
“Shit” Eli says out of breath. I can see he’s still hard so I grab his hand and move him to the nearest chair and push him down. “Baby, I want to taste you” he begs. I shake my head and bite my. I want to ride him. He swallows hard and says, “You’re so beautiful.”
I climb on top of him and line his dick up with my centre as he kisses me on the mouth. I lower myself onto him and he swallows my moan with his tongue.
“Fuck Sina, you’re so tight” he groans. I start moving and he grabs on to my hips finding my rhythm and moving with me. I feel myself getting ready to come as he wraps his lips around my nipples and sucks it into his mouth. I don’t stop riding him, the sounds of your skin bouncing off each other filling the office.I slide off him so just the tip is left inside me and slam back down. “Fuck!” he growls. “Babe, you’re going to make me come again,” he moans, but I don’t stop. I fucking him hard, using his shoulders to brace myself as I work his dick over. “Shit, Sina, please” he grinds out from between clenched teeth, grabbing my hips extra tight. I feel myself tightening around him as he grows inside of me. “Babe, I’m coming, fuck, fuck I’m coming” He hisses as he loses the tension in his body and slumps forward to lean his head on my shoulder.
I wind my arms around his neck and grind myself against him. “Fuck, Eli I’m about to come” I moan into his ear.
“Come with me Baby, come, come for me Sina” he whispers.
I hold onto him because I know this is my goodbye to him, goodbye to the love that could have been us, goodbye to the past that I have been holding on to.
I know Eli feels it too because he holds me tighter and whispers, “I’m so damn sorry”
“I forgive you Eli,” I cry into his shoulder. I feel his tears burning on my skin and I know he's crying with me. I move back and grab his face, kissing him gently on the lips and say, “Find your happiness.” I place a gentle kiss on his forehead as I get up and grab my clothes. I can feel him watching me as I get dressed and don’t bother fixing my hair because I’m sure Reese and Leila know exactly what’s been going on. I felt more at peace with myself than I had walking into Lei’s office. This happened on my terms, under my control, for me.
I walk to the door and as I reach for the handle I hear Eli whisper, “Please don’t leave me.” But I know that he just isn’t built for a real relationship and I’m not built for casual. He isn’t ready for commitment yet, so I unlock the door and leave a piece of my heart with him.
Chapter Eighteen
Eli
She makes me feel things that I’ve never felt before. I know she loves me because she showed me when she made love to me. It was in the way she looked into my soul as she rode me, the intimacy of her being on her knees for me. I hate that she knows I’m not ready for commitment and I fall even more in love with her because she doesn’t force anything on me. So she made it easier for me by leaving with my heart ripped out. I knew as she walked away from me, that she owned every part of my heart and soul. It was that day that I knew that no other woman would ever hold a candle to her. That day she left me standing in Lei’s office, a broken man.
It’s been a few days since the last time I’ve seen her, those days feeling like weeks, and I would be lying if I said
I don’t fucking miss her at all. I’ve asked Reese and Lei how she’s doing and they both told me that she’s been doing a whole lot better. I know I should be happy that she’s doing better, but I’m really not okay with that at all. I was honestly hoping that she was feeling the same way I’m fucking feeling. It’s as if I’m missing a part of my soul, not being able to function at all. I wanted to go to her mother’s house, but I knew that it wasn’t a good idea, after the shit I’ve put her through in the little bit of time she’s been back home. Plus I wasn’t ready for the ass kicking that I had coming. I miss her face, her smile, the sound of her laugh. I miss her touch, her kisses. and the way her little fingers feel in mine. I miss the feel of her heart beating under the palm of my hand the most.
“Man, are you ever going to tell me what happened between you guys? ‘Cause you’ve been fucken moping around while she’s been trying to cope with everything going on. You should be happy that she’s decided to move on from all the bullshit she doesn’t need to be a part of” Reese says. I know he’s right, but fuck that if she can be okay with moving on and not give a fuck about how I’m feeling, then I’ll do her a favor and pretend like nothing ever happened.
“I seriously don’t give a shit what she’s doing with herself at this point. We fucked. She got what she wanted and that’s that. Now we can all move the fuck on.” I huff at him.
He knows I’m fucking lying through my asshole, but hey I don’t have to explain myself to him or anyone else. “So, you’re okay with Marino spending time with her? Is that what you’re saying?” he taunts.
I feel my heart beating fast in my chest, I didn’t know they were spending time like that with each other and it fucking pisses me off no end. But I shake it off and tell Reese “Yup! She can see who she wants and I’ll fuck whoever I want.”