by Pua Ramona
“That lady is something evil Bina. How is she even my mother” June-Bug says, disappointed.
I wrap my arms around him and say, “She carried you full term, but we share the same Mama.”
“Are you going to be okay talking with that aikae?” He asks.
I laugh and say, “Yes. I promise.”
Micah steps in Michael’s face and says “When she’s done talking, your ass better get the hell out of here real fast. Alright?”
Michaels face turns all red as he says “Yeah.”
Mama reaches for Micah’s hand and they all start heading back to where everyone is singing, laughing, cooking and playing games. It makes me love my family even more.
I look to see where Emma is, and find her laying in the shade listening to Grandpa sing. I smile and make my way to Michael.
“We should talk,” I say.
He looks at me with sad eyes and says, “I’d like that a lot.”
Taking a deep breath I ask, “Do you mind if we sit over there by the water?”
He shrugs and says, “Anything you want is fine with me.”
I give him a small smile and walk toward the water, while he follows me quietly. I’m afraid this is going to be awkward, but it isn’t at all. Does my being so unaffected by his company mean that I’m completely over us? Over him? If it does then this talk should be easy, right? I make sure to leave some space for Michael to sit down as I pick a spot and settle into it.
“You don’t have to do that Sina” he says quietly. He takes a deep and looks at me with so much regret in his eyes. “I am so sorry.”
I can’t help feeling sad for him, and I believe every single word of his apology. Michael leans forward with his elbows on his knees and runs his hands through his hair. We sit there for a few minutes and I can hear him crying. My heart cracks a little for him and I have to remind myself that he did this to us, he chose to step out on our relationship.
“When I heard you had left without saying anything to me I was so angry with you. I blamed you for everything that went wrong in my life. But as years went by, and I didn’t hear from you a small piece of me wished that something had happened to you, because I was sure that the guilt I was feeling was going to fade away along with you”, he says with his voice laced with guilt. “I hated myself for those fucked up thoughts Sina, and I still do. Why didn’t you just talk to me about it instead of leaving?” he says angrily. I can’t believe what I’m hearing, I want to hit him and scream at him but I can’t do any of that because we were in public. “Why didn’t you call me out on it?” he asks.
“Are you really asking me that right now Michael? Do you really want to have this talk here where everyone can hear us?” I say. He looks around and realizes how close my family are and gets up, grabbing my hand and pulling me toward his car.
I yank my hand out of his and he stops walking to look at me. “Can we please go in my car and talk? So that way no one can hear us? Please?” he asks with a sigh.
“We are going to talk, you’re going to give me my closure, and we move on? Do you understand me Michael?” I say, keeping my voice steady.
“Please Sina.” he says, holding his hand out for me again. I shake my head at him and walk the rest of the way to his car. I get in and watch as he turns the AC on because it’s hot as hell outside. He reaches over to grab something in the glove compartment and I watch him pull out a box before he hands it to me.
“What is this?” I ask.
He closes his eyes and says, “It’s our wedding bands.”
I feel a little sting in my heart and try to stop my tears. “Why do you still have these Michael?”
“I held on to them just in case you came back” he says sounding like a defeated man.
“You should have returned them,” I tell him.
I’m starting to get frustrated and hate that he’s trying to blame me for the shit that he did. Does he really think that I’m going to come back and marry him? Yeah, freaking right. The freaking nerve of some people.
“Sina, why? Can you just answer me this? Why didn’t you tell me that I had a daughter?” he asks.
My heart beats so hard I’m sure he can hear it. I can feel my face warming up with the rage that's burning inside of me. “Do you think it was easy for me to leave here especially when I just found out I was having our baby? Do you know how broken I was when I walked into our room and you had another woman in our bed? Not just another woman, but my best fucking friend Michael.”
I’m trying my best to keep my tears in check, but I’m crying and shaking with anger at the memory of it all. Michael can’t even look at me and I know it’s because he knows he fucked up, not me. “What did I do wrong? Was I not enough for you Michael?” I ask him.
“It wasn’t you Sina, it was me” he says with tears running down his cheeks. Ha! Was he really using this line on me after eight damn years? No fucking way, he’s going to have to do better than that.
“No Michael, you don’t get to take the easy fucking way out. You look me in my face and tell me what I did wrong, because we were doing so good that year, then all of a sudden you started shutting me out. So for once in your adult life tell me the truth” I cry. He sits there shaking his head no with a look that only told me that it was more than what it was. I didn’t want to know, but I had to find out for myself “Was I that bad at sex Michael? Is that it? Was I boring, not sexy enough? Which one is it?” I yell. “When did you and Becca start having sex? Huh? How long did you wait? Was it right after our first time together, or a little while after?” I’m hysterically crying and angry as fuck with him. “When Michael? You owe me the truth. You wanted to talk, let’s fucking talk” I snap again.
“Please” he begs as he tries to hold my hands.
I pull them away from him and repeat myself, “When?”
He leans his head in his hands and says “My first time was with Becca.”
All the air leaves my lungs and I feel my soul die a little. Every piece of me aches, all I want to do is cry. Now I know what Daddy meant when he said When a man makes a woman cry for all the wrong reasons, he doesn’t deserve her. I feel so fucking stupid and embarrassed. I mean after all this time I thought I was his first, but I was never his anything.
“Sina, I am so sorry. I have regretted it ever since and I’m sorry” he cries.
My tears are non-stop at this point and I just sit there. I look at him and ask “Why couldn’t you just let me go before you did any of it? Michael, you made me feel like I was the problem all those years. Why? How long were you and Becca together before I found out?”
He doesn’t answer me so I push him, “There’s no need to lie now, it’s all out.”
He looks at me, “Beginning of our senior year.”
I let out a slightly manic little laugh, not because it’s funny but because my heart was young and blind to all the signs. If I only knew then what I know now I could have saved myself so much betrayal and hurt.
“All you had to do was just let me go, but you were too selfish to give a shit about me.”
“Sina” he cries.
“I’m done Michael. I honestly didn’t expect any of this at all, but I’m glad that I know now.” I open the door to get out of his car, but he grabs my wrist.
“Please I want to fix things between us. I want you, I’m still in love with you” he says.
I pull away from him and get out of the car. “I’ll call you so we can schedule a day so that you can spend some time with Emma, and I’ll be civil with you for my baby. Know that I am done with the past. I didn’t deserve any of it, you knew you were breaking me but you were too damn selfish to give a shit Michael. I am done. We are done.”
“I’m so sorry” he whispers.
I start walking back to where everyone is, and come to a complete stop. I’m pretty much over everything right now. I’m not sure how much bullshit a person can take, but I’m sure that I’ve met my quota and surpassed it. I close my eyes and say a quic
k prayer. I take a deep breath and make sure to wipe the rest of the tears off my wet face. I have to hold my shit together just for today, so that’s what I’ll do. I find a smile but my heart is numb in more ways than one.
Michael
Seeing Sina made me angry and sad all over again. But if I had to choose which emotion was stronger I’d go with sad now that I know why she ran eight years ago. I’ve asked myself repeatedly why I did what I did but there’s no excuse for any of it. I never wanted to choose Becca, but I was young and made a stupid mistake. That’s my one biggest regret in life. Sina was supposed to be my first everything but I fucked that all up the second I looked at Becca and started sneaking around behind my relationship with Sina. I fucked that all up when I ended up in bed with Becca. I tried staying away from Becca, but I didn’t try hard enough. I thought I loved Becca because she was my first. I thought I loved her because Sina and I started fighting more and more but I know now that it was my own fault. I thought I was in love with Becca until I found out Sina had left. It kills me to know that I was the reason she ran. It kills me to know that she’s now right here and I can’t even hold her. I regret every decision that I made the day I chose Becca over Sina. Eight years without Sina hasn’t been the easiest but I understand now why she stayed away for so long. Knowing that she had Emma all alone broke my heart. If anything, I will pray every damn day that she heals from every heartache that she’s been through. I will pray every day that Sina never loses her spirit and that she never stops loving the world the way she always has.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Eli
By the time Mama and I made it to the park it was ten-thirty in the morning. We pulled in the same time Reese and Lei did. I wasn’t sure if they were upset with me, because I haven’t heard from either of them for a couple of days. I don’t want today to be awkward so I made sure to set my bullshit to the side and enjoy today, even if my heart was aching for her.
Mama takes a deep breath. “Eli, whatever you do please don’t make things harder than they already are for her. If she doesn’t want to talk to you, respect it and leave her alone” she says.
“Okay Mama.” I say with a sigh.
She grabs my hand and says, “Please Son, she’s been hurt enough. Just let her enjoy this time with her family before she leaves.” I feel my chest get tighter.
“Why does it hurt so bad Mama?” I ask.
“Because she's someone special to you, and your heart is in love with her” she says.
I look at her and say, “I don’t know if I can let her go though.”
“But that’s not your choice Son. You have other things you need to take care of, and if you’re thinking that you want her to wait around for you then, you’re selfish. She deserves to have a good life, a happy one at that Elijah. Let her find her happiness, she deserves it just as much as you do” she says.
I nod my head and see that Reese and Lei are already grabbing things from the trunk. Before I can say anything to Mama, she gets out of the truck and starts grabbing boxes of the pies that she baked.
“Hey Mama Hunter'' Lei smiles and goes to hug Mama.
“Hey pretty girl. How are you? I feel like I haven’t seen you and Reese for a month or so”, she says.
Lei giggles “Okay drama queen, it’s only been two week since I’ve seen you. How about we make plans for lunch sometime next week?”
Mama smiles and says “It’s a date.”
“Is that a new dress Mama?” asks Reese.
Mama smacks him on the shoulder “Now Reese, don’t go saying things to make me blush.”
Reese wraps his arms around her and picks her up in a bear hug, “You look beautiful Mama” he says smiling at her.
She pats him on his cheek “You look like you’ve gotten taller sweetheart.”
“It’s his hair,” says Lei laughing.
I chuckle and open my arms so I can hug Lei. “Still mad at me Lei?”
She gives me a sad smile and steps into my arms, “Hi Eli.”
I take a step back and say, “I’m sorry.'' She doesn’t say anything so I ask, “Why does it feel like things are slowly changing between us Lei?”
She looks at me and says, “Eli, I don’t know what’s going on anymore. I just want to spend this little bit of time with Sina and Emma before they fly back to New York with no more drama. I want her to leave here on a good note, I want her to want to come back home.”
I understand where she’s coming from, Sina has become a close friend to Lei and I know where her loyalty stands when it comes to Becca and Sina.
Lei looks at me “So, you’re going to be dad huh?”
I take a deep breath and say, “Yeah. Becca has an appointment Monday, so I’ll be meeting her at the clinic.”
She doesn’t look at me, but she says quietly, “Congrats Eli. I hope things work out for you.”
“Lei, Becca and I aren’t getting back together.” I tell her. I don’t want her to think we’re going to play happy families and have her and Reese pull away from me.
“Eli, I’ll be there to support you, but I’ll never be a friend to Becca. She’s put Sina through so much already and I won’t allow her pregnancy to hurt Sina either. I know you will be an amazing father to that baby.”
I’m not sure how to respond to that so I just stand there with my hands rubbing the back of my neck.
“Leila, we’re going to head over there so we can say hi to the family” Reese says grabbing the boxes from Mama. He looks at me and just gives me a head nod then looks back over to Lei “Are you okay to carry those cupcakes babe?” he asks.
Lei smiles and says “I got them Babe, I’ll meet you there.”
We stand there for a few minutes then Lei asks, “So, are you sure that the baby is yours?”
“I was the only one she was with, Lei” I say.
She looks at me and says, “Were you still sleeping with her after you slept with Sina?”
“What does that have to do with anything?” I ask her.
She gives me a look and says “All I’m saying is that you don’t know if she was sleeping with just you. But whatever that’s none of my business.”
Before I can reply we hear a guy say “Sina, please.”
We both look over to see who it is and I feel my heart stop beating. Sina is crying. My girl is always fucking crying. Even with tears running down her face, she is still the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen.
I don’t realize who the guy was until Lei says, “What the hell is Michael doing here?”
I wait to see if he’s going to chase after her, with my heart hammering inside my chest, but he doesn't leave his car. He sits there for a few minutes and then he drives off. Lei looks at me and says “Should we go to her or leave her alone?”
I’m not sure what to do because things are already bad between us and I don’t want to push her anymore. It kills me to see her crying and I hate how hurt, sad, and small she looks standing by the tree. I want to run to her and just hold her and tell her that everything is going to be okay, but I know I can’t. I look over at Lei and say, “You go ahead; I’ll meet you guys there.”
Lei sighs and says “Don’t make her cry anymore Eli” She grabs the bag I’m holding in my hand and starts walking toward the park. I give Sina a few minutes to collect herself and then I walk over to the tree. She turns around and I forget how to breathe. She stands there surprised to see me, and she smiles a real smile. If she only knew how much I was dying inside, but I hold my shit together. I take a deep breath and give her an honest smile with my heart cracking in so many places.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Sina
“Hey Eli.” He smiles and I can’t get my heart to slow down
“Hey you. I saw you over here, and I wanted to make sure that you were okay” he says.
“Yeah, I’ll be okay” I say feeling a little stupid because he knows that I was crying. I know he feels a little awkward too because he can’t keep eye contact. I d
on’t want him to feel any type of way so I say, “I’m glad you came. Is your mother here?”
He stops fidgeting and looks at me, “I wasn’t sure if you still wanted me to come to be honest. And yes, Mama’s here she’s already over there probably bragging about her apple pies” he says.
“You didn’t have to bring anything.”
“It was the least we could do Sina, and I never got the chance to thank you for inviting us.”
I smile at him and say, “No worries.”
I start walking but he grabs my wrist and says, “Sina, can I talk to you before we head over to the park?” I can see he’s nervous, and I know what he wants to talk about because the look on his face makes my heart sad.
“Sure. Do you want to sit? Or are you good with standing here?” I ask.
He looks over his shoulder then looks back at me. “Do you mind if we sit for a few minutes?” I nod my head yes and he grabs my hand. I think about pulling my hand away, but he holds on tighter. We walk to the bench that faces the water and he waits for me to sit before he does. It’s beautiful out, hot but not too hot with enough of a breeze to keep you from sweating too much. “Are you ready to head back to New York?” he asks.
“Yes. I’m glad we came and love that Emma gets to spend time with the family, but I think I’m ready to head back.” I say looking at our interlaced hands.
Eli gives me a sad smile and says, “I know I sound like a broken fucking record, but I want you to know that I really am sorry for everything that’s happened Sina. If I could take back every shitty thing I would in a fucking heartbeat for you.”