by Pua Ramona
I gently grab her hands and say, “Yes sweetheart.”
Emma has tears running down her face, “Mama always says that everything happens for a reason, and when the people we love die it’s ‘cause God needs them more in heaven. Do you think my baby brother knows that I will always love him? “
I nod, “Yes.”
She tries to wipe her tears away but they continue to fall down her sweet little face, “Then I will make sure to talk to him everyday so he doesn’t forget me. I don’t want him to forget about me.” She looks at me and asks, “Is Mama okay?” She is a miniature version of Sina, always making sure that someone else is okay before anything else. Too young to know heartache but wise enough to know more about life than most of us adults.
I pull her in for a hug and say, “She’s okay. She’s just tired.” I’m not sure if she knows that I was her brother’s father but I don’t ask.
She moves a little so she can hold my face in her tiny hands and says “Baby Elijah would have had your blue eyes and Mama’s black curly hair and our nose.”
I can’t breathe and I feel the back of my eyes stinging. “How did you know his name?” I ask her.
“Because Mama named him after we found out that I was having a baby brother.” She kisses me on my forehead and I swear I feel my heart flip. I pull her in for a hug and hold on to her for a few seconds. I let her go and she walks over to her grandmother. I stand up and see Megan crying. I walk over to her and pull her into my arms so I can hug her. She doesn’t say anything, she doesn’t have to because I know what she’s feeling. I don’t see Marino anywhere so I assume that he’s already left. I am surprised to see that Michael is still here though.
“Thanks for driving her here man,” I say.
Michael looks at me and says “I’m sorry for your loss.” Every ill feeling, I felt toward this guy was non-existent. The fight we had earlier pales into insignificance. It’s time for me to grow up and that means I have to stop being such a jealous asshole. I don’t care that he has a past with Sina, or that he’s still in love with her because there is nothing I can do about it. And I’m okay with it because I know where Sina’s heart is, I just need her to tell me herself. But I’m not going to push her about it. “Take care of her?” he asks me..
I give him a head nod and say, “You have my word man.” He looks over my shoulder and I know he’s looking at his daughter. “You have a beautiful little girl, Mike.”
I see tears in his eyes and he says “I do. She looks just like her mother.” And that isn’t a lie, she’s a mini version of her mother. He puts his jacket on and grabs his keys from his pocket.
He starts walking away but he stops when he hears a little voice. “Daddy, wait.” We both look over and are shocked to see Emma running toward him. Tears start running down his face as she wraps her arms around him and says, “Thank you for bringing Mama to the hospital.” Michael chokes on his words and just holds his daughter. She smiles her mother’s smile and the air gets knocked out of me. “Mama tells me stories about you, and she gave me a picture of you” she says. He doesn’t say anything, but he has more tears now.
He pulls her in tighter and says “You’re beautiful just like her.” Emma smiles again. He kisses her on the head and says, “I’ll see you later, okay?”
“Okay” she says. She hugs him one more time then she walks back to her grandmother.
Michael looks at me and says “All this time I thought she hated me, but she’s been including me in my daughter’s life all these years.” He takes a deep breath and says “Love her hard Eli. She deserves it. I’m still in love with her, but I lost her the day I chose to cheat. That will always be my regret. Sina is that once in a lifetime catch that doesn’t come around twice. Take care of her.” There’s nothing else to say because he’s right. He gives me a head nod then he’s gone.
“How are you holding up son?” Mama asks me.
I look at her and say “A piece of me died tonight Mama, but my life is laying in that bed. I have to make things right, because I don’t think I’ll survive if she decides to leave me now.” And that is my biggest fear. I don’t know how she’s going to feel tomorrow, but I know that it’s time I fought for her. She is my air and all the pieces that make my heart whole.
“How long will she have to stay here for?” Megan asks.
“The doctor said she’s okay to leave tomorrow,” I tell her.
“Is she sleeping right now?” Rita asks.
“Yeah, she’s had a rough day. When I left the room she was still sleeping. Do you want to go see her?” I say, hoping she says no because I’m not sure Sina will want to see anyone yet.
Rita looks at me and says “No, let her rest. But we’re going to leave so we could start making arrangements for Micah’s funeral.” She clears her throat and asks, “Will you be able to pick her up tomorrow?”
“I’m going to stay here with her, I was going to take her back to my place. If that’s okay” I say.
“Fuck no” Luka says.
I look at him and say “I know I fucked up man, but we just lost our son and I figured she could come stay with me. Her and Emma. I can’t be away from her right now.”
“Why would you think that we’d let you take her when you’re responsible for her being here?” Luka snapped. Ouch.
“Luka,” Rita says with a warning in her tone.
He looks at her and says, “She needs to be with her family Mama, not him.” I know he’s angry with me, and I don’t blame him because I did fuck up.
“I think it’s a good idea,” Megan says from her seat in the waiting area.
“What the fuck?” Luka says to his sister.
“She’ll be able to rest more at Eli’s. We’re going to be busy with the funeral preparations, then everyone’s going to be at the house. How will she be able to rest if there’s no room at the house?” Megan asks. I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t fucking happy that Megan is siding with me right now.
Luka looks annoyed before turning to Daniel and saying, “What do you think Uce?”
Daniel shrugs his shoulders and says “It makes sense. And they did just lose their baby Bro, maybe Sina staying with Eli will be good for her. She needs it.”
Rita looks at me and says “Let us know when she’s settled in so we can come and see her. And we’ll just bring Emma when we come by.” She smiles at me then pulls me in for a hug. “Thank you for doing this Eli. I know she’s not okay, but she needs you more now. I’m sure that she’s going to be upset and when she finds out that she’ll be staying with you, but she’ll realize that it’s for the best.” Daniel, Mona, Megan and June-Bug say their goodbyes before they start walking out with Rita and Emma.
“Don’t give me a fucking reason to hate you,” Luka says.
“You have my word man. I love her” I tell him.
He shakes his head and says “Yeah, we’ll see.” Then he leaves the waiting area.
“This is your last chance Eli'' Reese says.
I look at him and say, “I hope so.”
Lei wraps her arms around my waist and says “Don’t hurt her anymore Eli.. Don’t be the reason she never comes back to us.” I feel like I need to throw up because I know Lei’s right. If I fuck this up, she’s going to leave and never come back home. And I’m planning on keeping her and Emma here with me for good. I just hope that Sina doesn’t have a change of heart, because I don’t think I could handle that shit.
Reese and Lei grab their things and start heading out of the waiting area. “Take some time off man. You’re going to need it” Reese says as he gets to the door.
“I can’t lose her now Reese.” I tell him as I wring my hands together in front of me.
He looks at me and says “I don’t know what to tell you Eli, but if you’re really serious about this, I mean really fucking serious? Then you have to follow her lead man. Follow her pace and don’t fucking yell at her ever again. Respect her space and respect her more. Stop treating her like she’s
just some piece of shit.” He grabs Lei’s hand and says, “We’ll stop by tomorrow to see her after I get off work. I’m going to make some calls and let them know that we’ll have to reschedule a few appointments because we want to help Rita and the family with Micah’s funeral.”
Lei smiles and says “I’ll bake my bestie some of her favorite cupcakes before we stop by tomorrow. Take care of her Eli.” They walk out and Becca is the only one aside from Mama that is still here. I know Becca is angry about what I did, but I don’t have the energy to argue with anyone tonight. I stand there and wait for Becca to say something, but she just looks and me leaves. I’m glad she decided to not talk to me because I’m fucking exhausted.
“Do you mind if I walk with you back to the room before I leave?” Mama asks. My thoughts are everywhere, so I just start walking back without saying anything and she follows alongside me.
Annie sees us walking by and doesn't stop us, except to say “Let me know if you guys need anything.” I smile at her and continue walking down the hall. She’s still asleep when we walk in. Mama moves one of the chairs to the other side of the bed for herself and before she sits down, she reaches for Sina’s hand and leans down to kiss the top of her head. I know Mama is angry with me because she hasn’t said one word since I arrived. It hurts, but I can’t blame everyone for being angry with me.
Even though Doctor Powell said it had nothing to do with stress and that it wasn’t my fault. A huge part of me still blames myself. It doesn’t matter that she kept our baby a secret because everything’s been my fault. Five months ago when she came back home I should’ve stayed away from her but I was so drawn to her that it was impossible to not want to be around her. Even when I had the chance to learn about her, I fucked it up. All I’ve ever done is fuck her then hurt her. Who does that shit? When she’s done nothing but fill the gaps that were empty in my heart. If anything, I know that Marino is the perfect guy for her, but I’m too fucking greedy and selfish to admit that to anyone. I hate the thought, but it’s the truth. I know I’m not good enough for her, but I don’t care because she was made for me. I’m sure of it. Just the thought of her not being a part of my life makes my heart hurt. Five months without anything from her has been pure fucking hell for me and I had to learn how to deal with the void that was in my heart.
“Sina, I know you’re hurting sweet girl but I want you to know that no matter what happens from here on out I will forever be grateful that God chose you to carry my grandson. Even if it were just for a short period of time.” Mama closes her eyes then prays “Heavenly father, I ask that you please wrap your loving arms around Sina and comfort her. I ask that you please heal her heart and bless it with more love and kindness because she deserves it. Heavenly father, I pray that you heal her soul and keep her heart open to life. Keep anything and everything that is dark away from her. I ask that you hold my grandson’s hand and keep his spirit safe. And last, I ask that you take everything heavy that is weighing my son down. Forgive him for not trusting you enough to lead him and teach him how to love with his whole heart open. In your precious name I pray, amen.” Mama kisses Sina’s hands then walks over to the opposite side of the bed where I am and kisses my forehead. “Stop making everything about you Son, this world doesn’t owe you anything. This beautiful girl deserves more than what you’re giving her, if you don’t love her with your soul then you let her go. You’ve hurt her enough” she cries. “This world has enough assholes who break women daily, you don’t have to be one of them.” She reaches in her purse then hands me an envelope. “Be the man that your son would be proud of,” she says. She squeezes my arm then walks out of the room without looking back.
By the time she’s out of sight my heart has gotten heavier. I’m not sure who the letter is from until I see the handwriting as I open it. Dad. I hold the letter to my chest and I crumble. The last time Dad and I spoke I was so angry with him that my last words to him were “I don’t ever want to be like you.” Then a few months later Mama found him in my room. “Cardiac arrest” they said. They told her that his heart was unable to pump blood, so he passed away quickly. I didn’t mean any of what I’d said, but it was too late for me to tell him that I was sorry. I never told him that I loved him. It was the reason I moved back home after I graduated college, so I could be with Mama and to be closer to him. Losing him changed me in ways that he would be disappointed if he knew how I was treating Sina and Becca. It’s the reason why I stopped praying and gave up on love. Chrissy was the distraction that kept me busy but when she died, I just didn’t give a fuck anymore. I sit here holding on to the letter and wishing that it was Dad here instead. I take a deep breath before I begin to read.
Chapter Forty-Four
Sina
I am emotionally, mentally, and spiritually drained. I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore, but I know that I can’t trust him anymore with my love. My heart aches after his mother leaves us alone in this cold room. My heart aches when I hear him crying next to me. But a part of me is heartbroken because I know he isn’t good for me. I want to reach out to him, but I know that it’s time to let him go. We both need to heal and we can’t do it together. I lay here and watch him cry while I slowly take my heart back from him. Did it hurt? Yes it did. Was it the right thing to do? Yes, in my heart, I know it’s the right thing to do for myself. I can’t breathe and it feels like I’m drowning. I don’t want anyone to save me, I don’t want to save myself from the darkness that was taking over my heart.
Eli
Son,
Do you remember that time when you got upset with me because I told you that you were using the wrong materials for your project? Do you remember when you volunteered at one of the Carpentry woodshop and I said you were using the wrong tool? Do you remember when you got your acceptance letter for college and it was away from home, and I said why would go all the way out there when you could just attend one of the community colleges here at home? Do you remember the last conversation we had and you told me that you will never be like me? Well, Son, I knew you told a lie because you were already like me. All the other times I have questioned everything you did, or when you never asked me for help I made sure that you doubted your decisions because I wasn’t ready for you to grow up. When you told your mother and not me that you were leaving for college, I wasn’t upset with you son. I just wasn’t ready to let you go. I wanted to keep you and your mother close to me so I could protect you both from the bad things. You were still my little boy who always let me do everything for him. Even after you graduated high school, I still saw my little boy, not the man you were growing up to be. I wasn’t ready to share you with the world. Son, if I haven’t said it enough then I will say it again. I am so proud of the man that you’ve become. You may be smarter than your old man but I’m still the good looking one ;) I am proud of you for trusting yourself to leave home so you could figure out who you are and to grow. You have been nothing more but one of my greatest accomplishments Eli, and that will never change. All I ask is that you live the life that is meant for you and no one else. Don’t ever question yourself because more than likely your second guess will be a dumb one. Continue to do good in school and when you decide to come back home maybe we could work on a project together. I’ll try not to boss you around too much, and it’ll be fun so quit your complaining.
What I want and pray for you to have is the kind of love that your mother and I share. You can’t live a full life if you don’t have the right person to share it with you Son. Whoever you choose to give your heart to will be the one who deserves it. Don’t settle for anything that is less than being in love. When you find her, and trust me you will, she will be the reason why you forget to breathe, the reason you don’t feel whole, the reason you want to be a better man for her. If I have taught you anything at all Son it’ll be for you to respect and love her unconditionally, even if she’s wrong. (But then again she’s always right even when she’s wrong haha.) Build a life with her not for her. Be her provider
, her protector, and I promise you she will fight for you not against you. Listen when she speaks, hold her when she cries. But hold her heart in both of your hands, because if you let it slip through your fingers like sand, someone else will love her enough to build a greater love out of the pieces of her heart. Love her right Son, because without her, your heart will never know what real love feels like. I tell you this because it kept your mother and I together. Our lives aren’t perfect; we have our bad days but I will always choose your mother’s love over everything else. She’s my backbone, the reason I have pushed myself all these years to be a better man and husband for her. When the right time comes and you find your person, don’t question it. Just take a deep breath and allow your heart to love her. And whoever she is, I will love her as if she’s my own and will trust that she will make an honest man out of you.
P.s. I read this in one of your mother’s notebooks. You know, the one with all her favorite quotes written inside and this one is stuck with me forever;
“Be careful if you make a woman cry because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man’s rib. Not from his feet to be walked on, not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under his arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved.”
~Matthew Henry.
“Wrap your arms around her, kiss her on her forehead then ask her to dance.”
~Dad. (It always works on your mother.)
And if somehow you question this quote your mother and I will gladly sit you down when you come home and we’ll re-introduce you to The Bible. ;) haha. I wish I could see your sour face right now son, you get it from me. Anyhow, my hand is starting to cramp up. It probably means that I overdid it, so I will end this letter with my heart lighter and on a happy note. Eli, there’s nothing to forgive, we just had a disagreement. Know that I am so damn proud of you, and that no matter how many times we disagree you will always be my son and I love you!