by Pua Ramona
I’m so overwhelmed that all I want to do is cry. He holds my chin with his fingers and lifts my head up so we’re both looking at each other. “Sina, trust me, I know I fucked up bad. But we just lost our son and all I want to do right now is take you home and just be with you. We don’t have to talk. Just please let me do this” he begs.
I cry and he wipes my tears with his fingers and kisses me on the lips. “I know it’s going to take time, but please just let me take you home.” He moves a loose piece of my hair behind out of my face and says “Can I do that?” I’m too tired to talk so I nod my head yes. He buckles my seatbelt and closes my door. I watch him as he walks over to his side and I can already see how tired and sad he looks. I can’t let myself feel anything for him, so I keep building the wall around my heart. I’m still angry, but not so much at Eli but more toward my family for thinking that it was okay that they made this decision for me. We don’t talk the rest of the way to his place because I have nothing to say. It doesn’t matter anyways, because no one is listening to me.
Chapter Forty-Seven
Eli
We are both exhausted, hungry, and I know she needs to get some rest. I hate that she’s already stressing out and it stung a little that she didn’t want to come home with me. I also know that she’s hurting and it sucks that I can’t fix it. It takes us about twenty minutes to get home and when we get there Reese and Lei are waiting for us. I’d text them last night to see if they could swing by the house and make sure that everything was cleaned and ready for Sina when we arrived. I didn’t want her to come home to a dirty ass house. I reach for the clicker so I can open the garage door and I pull the truck in and park up. Neither of us move, we just sit there and drink in the quietness.
I take a deep breath and peer over to see if she’s ready to go inside. When I look over I see she’s quiet because she's fallen asleep. I reach over and run my fingers down her cheek. I don’t want to wake her up but I need to get her into a comfortable bed. I get out and make sure that I don’t slam the door before I walk around to her side. I open her door gently then back up a few steps so I’m not crowding her and whisper, “We’re home babe” She doesn't stir so I reach over and trace my fingers down her cheek and shake her shoulder a little. “Sina, we’re here.”
She slowly blinks her eyes open and a tear falls down on the side of her face. It guts me every time she cries, I fucking hate it. I wish things weren’t so fucked up and heavy between us right now. “Are you okay to walk or would you rather me carry you inside?” She doesn’t say anything and slides her way outside of my truck. She reaches for her bag and then she walks past me. I snag her wrist in my hand and she halts but doesn’t look at me. I turn her wrist and raise it to my mouth and place a kiss on the inside of it. Fresh tears carve a trail down her cheeks and she pulls her hand away as she walks inside.
“How are you holding up?” I don’t hear Reese walk in the garage because I’m too busy trying to get my head together.
“I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing Reese.”
He closes the door behind him then walks over and leans on the truck mirroring my pose. “Why did you bring her here Eli?”
“Because I want her to be here, no I need her to be here with me” I tell him.
“So you brought her here to make yourself feel better? Is that what you’re saying?”
“No! I needed her to come home with me because I didn’t want her to have to over work herself with Micah’s funeral. I wanted her here so she could at least get some type of rest without having to worry too much. She just lost her brother and our baby Reese. Our baby. And I wanted to make sure that she doesn’t break, because if she does she won’t come back from it.” The back of my eyes burn as I try to hold the tears back, but fuck it I’m hurting for the both of us.
“My boy Reese. I had a baby boy” I say trying to catch my breath. “She was carrying my son and I kicked her out of the house. I treated her like shit, man.”
Reese places his hand on my shoulder and says “You didn’t know.”
I shake my head and say “It doesn’t fucking matter man, I shouldn’t have done a lot of things to her. But me doing what I did is a new low for me. She lost our son because of me.” I’m so fucking angry with myself.
“So what? You’re going to feel sorry for yourself and make her feel a lot worse then she already is? Come on Eli. There comes a time when you need to man the fuck up and put others first. For fucks sake make her your first for once. She lost her brother and your son on the same fucking day, the least you could do is think about her and what she might be going through” he snaps.
“I don’t know how to fix it,” I say honestly.
“You don’t fucking fix shit! You are there for her and you go through it together. If you love her the way you keep fucking telling everyone that you do, then you love her through everything, good and fucking bad. It’s simple Eli. You just love her through it all without question. Stop finding reasons to fuck shit up.”
I want to punch him in the fucking face because he’s right. “Look, Eli. That woman in there isn’t a little girl. Don’t treat her like she’s fucking broken glass. Treat her the way a man who loves her and a man who needs her like he needs fucking air to breathe. Cause if you don’t start now you’re going to lose her for good this time.” He takes Sina’s things from me and says, “Lei made some brunch so get your head together then come inside.”
Before he walks inside he puts the bags down and gives me a brotherly hug. “I’m sorry about your little boy, bro. You would’ve been a great father to that kid. Now get your head out of your ass and do right by his mama. Make him proud, Eli.” He swoops the bags back up and walks past me, disappearing inside.
I stay in the garage for five more minutes then I head inside.
“Hey sweetie,” Lei says. She winds her arms around me and says “She’s not talking to me.” I hug her, kissing top of her head.
“Don’t take it personal Lei, she’s hurting right now and probably angry too. Just give her a little time, she’ll come around.” Lei doesn’t say anything, but I know she’s crying because she starts wiping her face on my shirt. “Everything will be okay Lei, I promise.”
She lets go and says “I baked her favorite cupcakes and I made her a fresh pot of coffee. Can you make sure she eats something please?”
I smile and say “ Sure, I can do that for you Lei.”
“We’re going to head out so you guys can get settled then we’ll be back later for dinner” she says.
“Dinner?” I ask.
“Yeah, everyone’s going to be here for dinner and to visit Sina. But Rita said they won’t stay long though” Lei tells me.
I blow out a hard breath and say “Alright, I will see you guys later this evening.” Lei picks up her purse and waits for Reese to finish eating his cupcakes.
“I’ll see you later man.” He drinks the rest of his coffee and says “Go take care of her, and don’t make her cry, asshole.”
I punch him in the shoulder and say “Fuck you dick.” Lei takes Reese by his hand and pulls him to follow her out the door. “Thank you for doing this for me, both of you. I appreciate it.”
“We didn’t do it for you, we did it for her.” They say as the door closes. Assholes. I’m hungry as fuck, but I don’t want to eat without her. So I make sure everything is off and check to make sure the doors are locked. I know she‘s in the guest-room so I go to check on her. The lights are off and it’s a little cold in here, but I’m not worried about any of that because all I can focus on is her laying on the bed crying.
It fucking kills me to see her breaking but I’m not going to let her do it alone. I take off my watch, empty my pockets and I climb onto the bed with her. I don’t move to pull her toward me, but I do edge my way against her so that her back was to my front. I slide my arm underneath her neck and wrap the other around her waist. I lean in closer and I let her cry in my arms. I kiss the back of her head and whisper, “I’m
going to love you through it all Sina.”
Knock, knock, knock!
I'm not sure if I’m dreaming or if someone is actually knocking on the front door. It stops for a good few minutes then I hear it again. I feel Sina move then she stops. I hear another loud ass knock, and I gently move my arm out of the way and slowly get out of bed. I grab my phone off the dresser so I can check the time. What the fuck? It’s already six thirty in the evening. We slept the whole day away. I check to make sure she’s still sleeping and I go to see who’s making all the damn noise. I look through the peephole and remember that everyone is meant to be coming over to see Sina for dinner. I lean my forehead on the door and take a deep breath before I open it.
“You look like shit man, '' Daniel says.
I chuckle and say, “Thanks asshole.” He gives me a side hug and then walks past me. Mona, Lei, June-Bug, and Emma say their hellos then they follow inside after Daniel along with Megan and her little family.
“Hey sweetheart” Miss Rita says.
I pull her in for a hug and say, “She’s still sleeping.”
She looks at me and says “How is she doing?”
I don’t want to lie to her so I tell her the truth. “She’s not doing too good. Her doctor said that she would deal with the loss differently so I’ve been keeping an eye on her.” I can see tears forming in her eyes.
“Was she upset that she had to come here?” she asks.
“She’s pretty pissed off about that. We had a little argument on our way home. She agreed to come here after I told her that Emma was coming to stay here also.”
“As she should be'' she says. She kisses me on the cheek and says “Thank you for taking care of her.”
I laugh and say “I haven’t done anything yet Rita. We’re just going through the motions.” She squeezes my arm then she walks inside.
I don’t expect Becca to show up, but yeah she’s standing next to Mama with flowers and a box of candy in her hands. “I’m not staying,” she says. “I just wanted to drop these off for Sina before I went to my parents place.” She hands me the flowers and candy then says “Can you tell her that I said hi, and that I am truly sorry for her loss?” I nod. “I’m so sorry for your loss Eli'' she cries.
I smile at her and say “Thanks Becca. You know you can stay if you want to.”
“No. Sina needs them right now and I don’t want to upset her anymore. But I will be at the funeral.” She says solemnly.
She starts walking away but I stop her and say, “You do have a place in this family Becca, you’re having Micah’s baby. Just give them a chance to get to know you again.”
She gives me a sad smile and says “Micah was my family.” She wipes the tears off her face and says “Sina needs to heal and me being here isn’t going to help her Eli. Just let her know that I’m thinking about her.” Before I can say anything, she’s already walking back to her car.
I go to greet Mama but she walks right past me without saying anything and it pisses me off. But I know she’s still upset with me so I keep my mouth shut. I walk through the door and am about to close it when I hear Reese shout, “Hold the door man!”
I move to see what he’s doing and see that him and Luka have a shit load of boxes with plates of food in them. I open the door wide enough for them to walk in and step out of the way.
“You still look like shit man.” Reese says.
“We were still sleeping when they knocked on the door.” I tell him as I rub at my eyes.
Reese looks over my shoulder and asks “How is she?”
My shoulders fall a little. “She’s not doing good, she pretty much cried herself to sleep.”
He nods his head and says “We won’t stay long”, as he walks inside. I don’t expect Luka to talk to me so I just stand there and wait for him to walk inside.
“Thanks for letting us come by Uce'' he says. I know he’s still upset because his face confirms it and I can see a vein popping out from the side of his head.
“No thanks needed. Just glad you guys came, your sister needs you guys.”
Luka clears his throat and asks “How mad was she about your dumbass idea?”
I look at him and admit, “She was pretty fucking pissed off.”
The fucker stands there and laughs. “I told you it was dumb, lover boy.”
“Shut the fuck up and get in so I can close the door, the cold air is coming in.” I say shaking my head at him.
He walks past me and says, “Good looking out though. She would’ve been pissed if she came home.”
“Why is that?” I ask.
Luka looks at me and says “Cause everyone and their mama are going to be coming by later.” Damn. He walks further into the house and makes his way to the kitchen. I close the door and lock it. Everyone’s setting up the food, plates and drinks and the only person that’s missing is her.
“I’m going to go check on Sina and make sure that she knows that everyone’s here and that dinner’s ready.”
Chapter Forty-Eight
Sina
I wake up and Eli isn’t in the bed. I start to panic but then I hear voices coming from the front room. I don’t know who’s here so I get out of bed to see who it is. I’m still so tired but I’m starving. I stick my head out of the room and hear my sister’s voice. I step back into the room and close the door. I’m not ready to see or talk to my family so I’m just going to sit in here until they leave. I get back in bed and wait it out. I hear a soft knock at the door but I stay quiet. The door slowly opens and I see Eli walking inside, closing the door behind him.
He walks over to the bed and sits down next to me. “Hey you. How are you feeling?” he asks.
“Tired. I just want to sleep for the next few days.” I tell him with a sigh.
He gives me a sad smile then reaches for my hands. He runs his fingers through mine and my heart starts racing. “I’ll let you sleep for the next few days, but you have to eat something,” he says. I start to shake my head no but he gently grabs my face. “Babe, I know you’re upset with everyone and I get it. But they’re all worried about you and they just want to make sure that you’re okay.”
“But I don’t know what to say to any of them?”
“Who says you have to say anything? If you don’t want to talk that’s okay, they’ll understand. You just can’t stay mad at your family too long babe. Everyone’s heart was in the right place; they were just honoring your brother’s wishes.” He moves closer and says “I’m sorry that I didn’t say anything, I just felt like it wasn’t my place.” My eyes start burning but I ignore it. “The same way we’re trying to work through our mess, try and do the same with your family. Just don’t shut them out now because you’re already dealing with enough.” He kisses me on my lips and says “If you start getting tired all you have to do is let me know and I’ll ask them to leave okay?”
“Okay” I whisper. He gets up from the bed and reaches for my hand. He pulls me up then turns my hand and kisses the inside of my wrist. Stupid freaking butterflies start going crazy in my stupid belly.
He looks at me and says “Your blushing babe” and winks at me. Freaking asshole. He holds my hand and we start walking down the hallway.
“Oh and by the way, there’s a pretty little girl who’s also waiting to see her mama” he says with a smile and I feel my heart breathe a little.
I smile back and say “Thank you, Eli.” He laces his fingers through mine and I feel safe.
“Hey sweetie” Mama says.
I try so hard to be angry with her but all I feel is sadness and hurt in my heart. I want to yell at her, I want to ignore her, but I need her to hold me right now more than I need to be angry at her. Eli kisses my hand and lets me go. Mama takes a few steps closer to me and I throw myself into her arms and I cry. She moves us to the couch and says, “Come here sweetie.” I sit down next to her and she holds me close to her heart. My breathing starts to become rushed and ragged and Mama says “Moony, listen to my heartbeat and b
reathe.” I start crying harder because Daddy was the only one that called me Moony and it felt so good to hear it again. I feel someone sitting down on the other side of me. Mama holds me as she whispers “I’m so sorry for your loss sweetie.”
My heart is heavy, but I try to hold it together. I feel someone rubbing my back and I hear my sister crying next to me. She wraps her arms around me and lays her head on my side. “Sina I’m sorry” she sobs. I slowly pull away from Mama and reach for my sister as she cries harder and says, “I love you.”
“I love you to the moon and back Megan.” I tell her and we hold each other for a little more.
Megan swaps out with Daniel and he asks, “We good Sis?”
I don’t have to answer him, I just pull him in for a hug. Daniel shows his feelings through his actions, he’s not the verbal type and I love him the same for it. He’s usually the one who gives me money even when I don’t need it and he makes sure that Emma and I don’t struggle for anything. Somehow after Daddy passed, Daniel became our provider without me asking him to. But I don’t complain either because it helps him sleep at night to know that we don’t need anything. “I’m sorry for your loss Sis, just know that lil’ man is in a better place” he says.
“I love you Daniel , thank you for being our provider and for making sure that we have everything.” I tell him, wanting him to know how grateful I am to have him in our lives.