Pieces of Me

by Pua Ramona

  “He makes me feel safe, Mama” she says. My heart cracks a little and I don’t blame her for feeling the way she does. It’s always been us until Marino moved to New York, but it was still just me and Emma. “I know he makes you cry sometimes Mama, but he just needs us to love him back that’s all” she says. I don’t know what to say to her so I just hold her close.

  “We’re going to go to Mama’s for a little bit, so I need you to go take a shower then get dressed.”

  She wraps her arms around me and holds me tight. “I love you Mama” she whispers.

  “I love you forever to the moon and back Emma.” She smiles then goes to get ready. “Hey, do you know where the shower’s at?” I ask her.

  She stops and says, “Yeah. I know where all the snacks are at too!” She giggles and walks out of the room. I sit there shaking my head and laugh.

  “Everything okay?” I look up and my stupid heart flips again. Eli is wearing faded jeans that fit him just right, a long sleeve knitted shirt that makes him look huge with his baseball hat backwards. My god he is beautiful. His blue eyes make my knees weak.

  I sigh. “Yeah, Emma’s going to get ready then I’ll go take a shower when she’s done.”

  He rolls his eyes and says, “You can use my shower Babe.” I freaking blush. What am I, fifteen?!

  “I love it when you blush” he says. Guh, I want to punch that stupid look off his pretty face. He walks into the room and collects my things. “Come on, it’ll be faster if you use my shower” he says and I follow him out of the room.

  I blushed again when I see his bed. “I didn’t want to change my pillow cases because they smelled like you,” he says.

  “You weirdo” I snort.

  He chuckles and says “Everything’s in there.” I walk in and oh my freaking god, his bathroom is huge and beautiful. “If you need shampoo and conditioner they’re under the sink. I asked Lei to pick up some things for you, so you can stop with the face.”

  “I didn’t say anything.” I say at the same time as I’m trying to work out why he’d have shampoo and conditioner.

  He laughs and says “You didn’t have to, your face said it all.” He smacks me on the ass as he leaves.

  “Asshole.”

  He laughs louder and says “I’m your asshole.” He really is my asshole. I close the door and have one of the best showers ever.

  I get out and remember that I don’t have any feminine products in here with me. I know he doesn’t have any but I check anyway. I look in one of the drawers and I don't think I could love this man anymore then I already do. I mean my heart was full and crazy in love with him. In the drawer are boxes of Maxi pads and tampons. He even has fresh granny panties in there. I smile as I dress. I know it’s pretty cold out so I wear my black leggings, a red lace camisole and my black loose sweater over the top. I don’t have my hair dryer so I leave it down so it can air dry. I throw all my dirty clothes in his hamper and I kid you not, it just feels right to do that living together kind of stuff with him.

  “I hope you don’t mind but I asked Michael to come by'' Eli says as I walk into the front room.

  I look at him and ask, “Why would you do that?”

  “It wasn’t his fault Sina, I came over without letting him know'' Michael says from his seat on the sofa.

  I give Eli my I’m going to kick your ass later look and say, “It’s okay.”

  Eli pulls me in and says “I’ll be in the garage. You guys need to talk and Emma wants to get to know him.” I take a deep breath. “I’m not trying to tell you what to do babe, I just want you to stress less is all.” Guh dammit. He kisses my ear and walks out of the house.

  “I’m sorry for not calling before I came by Sina. I just needed to make sure that you were okay and I wanted to see Emma too” Michael says. He looks so tired and I’m sure he’s lost weight. I wasn’t angry that he was here. I could thank him for taking me to the hospital. I’ve been so busy with everyone that I haven't found the time to thank him for being there when I needed him the most.

  “I’m actually glad you came over Michael. I wanted to thank you for everything, for saving me.”

  He takes a deep breath and says “You don’t have to thank me Sina, I would do anything for you.”

  I stand there and for the first time in a long time, I see the Michael that I fell in love with years ago. Yes, he was my first love, the man I wanted to get married to, but he broke my heart somewhere down the line. This was the man I used to be in love with, the man who gave me my most precious blessing. Emma. It was time that I let my past go for good. I needed to let go of everything that I have been holding on to for all these years. I needed and wanted to move on with my life. I didn’t want Michael to have any more regrets, what happened, happened and we can’t change that. The piece of my heart that was his will always mean something to me. “I forgive you Michael. I honestly and truly forgive you. We were young and we weren’t ready to be us. You will always be my first love, the boy who my younger self will always love. But, it’s time for us to move on with our adult lives. I want you to forgive yourself.”

  Michael breaking down and my heart aches for him. I don’t want him to blame himself anymore, because he deserves to be happy just like I deserve to be. I wrap my hands around his waist and say, “Thank you for loving me even when I took you for granted.”

  He holds me tighter and says, “I will always regret losing you Sina. I wasn’t strong enough to hold on to you years ago. I am sorry that I made you leave home and that you had to raise Emma alone.” He leans his forehead on mine and says “I hate that he’s in love with you, but I see how you look at him Sina. I know you’re in love with him because you’ve never looked at me that way when we were together. Give him a chance to hold your heart and to love you. Don’t make the same mistake I did, don’t push him away because you might think there’s something better out there. Trust me, I had to learn the hard way and it’s not worth it.” He kisses me on the lips and starts walking toward the front door.

  “Michael, wait,” I say and he looks back over his shoulder at me. “Would you like to spend time with your daughter today?”

  More tears fall and he says “I would love to spend the day with her.”

  I smile through my own and say, “We’re going to Mama’s and I figure it would be better that she’s with you if that's okay with you. I don’t want her around if things got too dramatic.”

  He laughs and says “Yeah,I don’t miss the family drama at all to be honest.”

  We both laugh and I say “Shut the hell up jerk.”

  He grabs my hand and says “Thank you for giving me this chance with Emma, Sina.” He hugs me once more and says “I am sorry for your loss.”

  “Things will get better.” I tell him.

  He lets me go and says “I’ll wait here while you grab her.” I smile. “I’ll be right back.” I walk out of the living room and my heart feels lighter. The broken pieces will always be a part of me, but I didn’t want them back anymore. I’m okay with the cracks that exist in my heart, because it made me who I am today.

  Chapter Fifty-One

  Eli

  I wasn’t surprised when Sina told me that Michael was going to take Emma for the day, which I didn’t have a problem with. Plus, who was I to have an opinion? We were just us, not sure what that even means but I’ll take it if it means I get to kiss her here and there. Touch her in certain places that made her wet, places that made her want only me and if that makes me a creep then fuck it I will be that. I’m glad that she decided to let Emma go with Michael because they needed that time together, and we didn’t know what kind of crazy drama would be waiting for us at Miss Rita’s house. And if there was any drama, at least Emma wouldn’t have to be there to see any of it.

  Sina decided that she wanted to stop at Pixie’s first so she could have her coffee and cupcake, and I was fine with that. I’m milking all the alone time that I can get with her right now. She hasn’t said anything since we l
eft the house, but I can hear her silence because it’s written all over her face. Her smile could light every crack in my heart that was missing pieces. She’s breathtaking and it makes my heart ache but in the most amazing way. Just her as a person makes me feel things that I never felt for Chrissy, Becca, or any other woman I’ve been with.

  She makes me fucking smile, she makes me want to eat cupcakes and drink hot chocolate, and if Reese knew any of this he’d probably say that Sina had my balls in her purse, or some shit like that. She makes me want to do so much more in life.

  “The air feels so good today,” she says with her eyes closed. It’s cold out, but the sun is out so it’s a pretty perfect day. It doesn’t take us long to get to Pixie’s but I’m glad when we arrive because I need some coffee. We park, noticing that the place is pretty busy. “Is Leila having a bake sale or something? Because it’s pretty crowded here today.” Sina says. Bake sale she says, so fucking cute.

  I chuckle and say, “Or maybe people just wanted cupcakes and coffee just like this pretty girl that I know.”

  She rolls her eyes and says “Oh shut up.” We both get out of the truck and I wait for her. I reach for her hand and she takes mine. She blushes and says “Stop looking at me like that.” I smile at her and we walk inside.

  It’s busy inside and I’m not sure if Sina will want to eat here with so many people around us, so I ask “Did you want to order to go?”

  “No, I’m sure we have time to sit and enjoy our cupcakes Eli. Unless you want to just order and leave?” she pouts like a brat.

  “You go find us a table and I’ll order.” I laugh.

  She looks at me and says “Do you even know what I like?”

  “Now, what kind of man would I be if I didn’t know what the love of my life’s favorite cupcake was?”

  She puts her hands on her hips and says, “Leila told you huh?”

  “Yeah, I texted her before we left the house,” I confess with a laugh.

  She pinches my side and says “Asshat.” I grab her hip and pull her in and kiss her. She sighs. I love it when I’m the reason for those little sighs. Her cheeks flush red and she turns to go find us a table. Damn I will never get tired of looking at her ass. I notice a few guys watching her, but it doesn’t bother me at all because I’m pretty sure that they saw me kiss her pretty mouth too.

  “You can put your tongue back in your mouth and wipe the drool off your face now pervert.” I couldn’t stop smiling.

  “Good morning Lei.” She smiles at me.

  “Morning Eli. Having a great one I’m assuming?” I look over my shoulder to check on Sina and my smile grows bigger. She’s sitting at the table with a serene smile on her face. “How are things going?” Lei asks.

  I look back at her and say “Things are good, they’re not perfect but they’re good. We decided to not have any labels, but to just be us.”

  “Maybe that’s good for now,” Lei says.

  “It is. I don’t want to push her, and I definitely don’t want to scare her away either.”

  “She looks better today compared to what she did days ago,” says Lei. It was true. Sina seemed a little more relaxed and at ease then she did before. “Where’s Emma?” She asks.

  “She’s actually with her dad.”

  “No way. Really?” she says shocked.

  I chuckle and say “Yeah. Michael came by this morning to visit Sina. So she had him take Emma for the day so they could get to know each other.”

  Lei smiles. “She is something else isn’t she? Everything that she’s been through and she still has it in her heart to forgive those who hurt her.”

  “It’s one of the many reasons why I love her.” I say

  “I know you do Eli.”

  “What gave it away?” I ask sarcastically.

  “The way you look at her, it’s the same way Reese looks at me every day. You look at her as if she hung the moon.” In my heart she did. I don’t have to say anything to Lei because she knows how I feel about her best friend. “Here you go. I added an extra cupcake because three isn’t enough for her'' Lei laughs.

  I chuckle. “She does love her cupcakes.”

  “You mean; she loves my cupcakes,” she sniggers..

  I look at her and say “Because that didn’t sound sick at all Lei.”

  She throws a napkin at my face and says “Ew. You’re so gross, go away.”

  “We’ll see you before we leave” I say then walk over to the table.

  Chapter Fifty-Two

  Sina

  When Eli asked me to find us a table I picked one by the window. I sat down and looked to check on him. I saw him talking to Leila and it made me smile. I heard my phone buzz so I reached for my purse, but felt someone watching me. I looked out the window but there was no one out there. I checked my phone and it was a text message from my sister.

  My Sista My Sista: Could you bring me some coffee from Pixie’s please? And don’t say no ‘because I know you’re there.

  Me: Stalker.

  My Sista My Sista: All day. See you in a little bit.

  I smile, stashing my phone back in my bag. I can still feel eyes on me, beginning to make my skin crawl with uncertainty. I turn fully toward the window to get a better look, searching for anything that could be the reason for the uneasy feeling that’s starting to settle in the pit of my belly. Scanning the sidewalk my eyes flick back and forth until they stop in their tracks on what looks very much like the face that has been haunting me in my dreams. No. It’s not him, it can’t be. My heart is beating a little too fast, so I blink a few times and concentrate on pulling in a deep breath to calm my nerves. I don’t ever talk or think about him, but that doesn’t mean I don't carry the memories of his face around with me . My mind starts to drift, pulling me into a place I try constantly to stay away from until Eli sits down next to me, breaking the trance and snapping me back to the present. “Are you okay?” he asks.

  I smile and say “Yes, I just need my sugar fix.”

  He hands me my coffee and sweets. I roll my eyes when he gives me four cupcakes and see that he only has two. I would say that I’m embarrassed but that would be a lie. I love to eat and I love my cupcakes and I don’t even care. I eat all four cupcakes and I’m still not full.

  “How can you eat all four cupcakes and not get sick? Where does it even go?” Eli says in amazement.

  I laugh hard and say with a shrug “My feet?” I mean I’m not a skinny girl but I’m not going to let these delicious little babies go to waste either. I feel Eli staring at me and I blush again. “You’re staring again.” I tell him and he doesn’t say anything for a few seconds, just continues to stare at me. Dammit, I hope it isn’t a booger, or leftover cupcake stuck on my teeth. How embarrassing.

  “Am I making you uncomfortable?” he asks.

  I shrug my shoulders. “Not really? You just make me feel like I have a booger hanging from my nose, or I have leftover cupcake in my teeth or something.” He doesn’t say anything for a few seconds then he uses his thumb to wipe the stupid icing that was on my lower lip. He brushes his thumb over my lip then sucks the rest of it off his thumb. Dammit to hell, that turns me on. My face starts feeling hot and I know I’m blushing like an idiot.

  “You had icing on your lip” he says with a smirk. I try clearing my throat because I don’t want to choke in front of him. “You’re turning red babe” he teases. I know we decided to not have labels, but I love that he calls me babe.

  I cover my face with both of my hands and say, “Then stop doing that!.”

  He moves my hands out of my face and says, “I’ll try, but I love making you blush.”

  I roll my eyes at him and ask “Are you ready to leave?”

  “Whenever you are,” he says.

  I can’t help myself and I don’t want it to go to waste so I ask him “Are you going to eat that or no?” Please say no because I want it. And I point to the leftover cupcake on his plate.

  “No you can have it” he says. He
doesn’t have to tell me twice. I reach over and eat it in two bites. I should have been embarrassed but not me. I don’t play when it comes to food, but I should stop before I give myself bubble guts.

  “We’ll order some to go when you’re done with that,” Eli says.

  I finish the rest of my coffee and say “Mmm that was so good.

  He cleans our table off and reaches for my hand. I’m not surprised when I reach back for him. It feels like second nature to me now. I lace my fingers through his and he holds my hand with a firm grip. He makes me feel safe and I love it. Leila has our goodies ready for us and we say our goodbyes before walking out to the truck. I know it’s a must thing for him to do, so I let him buckle my seatbelt. Before he can close my door I grab his hand and kiss the inside of his wrist. I can’t use my words but I want to show him that I love him.

  “Thank you for this,” I say. He doesn't say anything, but kisses me instead. I smile through our kiss. I am falling hard for this man and I’m not going to get in my own way again. He closes my door and walks around to his side.

  That ‘watched’ feeling washes over me again but now there are a few people outside, so maybe I’m just being paranoid or tired. Yeah, that’s what it is. I’m tired. I focus on breathing, having an internal battle between calm and freaking out in silence as we pull out of the parking lot and start driving away from Pixie’s. I don't know why I do it, it’s like some kind of subconscious compulsion that fights against me closing my eyes and trying to appease the anxiety that’s gripping my lungs in a vice, and instead has me seeking the reflection I can feel in my side-view mirror. I feel my heart drop to my stomach. The person that I have constantly prayed I wouldn’t see for the rest of my life, is standing outside of Pixie’s watching us drive away. I feel dirty and sick to my stomach. I left that piece of my dirty past locked away because I was embarrassed and I didn’t want anyone to judge me for something that wasn’t my fault. I was more worried that no one would believe me so I kept that part of my life to myself. It was my secret to keep. We drive away from Pixie’s and I can feel in my bones that my past is catching up to me, and I’m afraid that if or when Eli ever finds out I’m going to lose him.