ACER final

by Hargrove, A.

  A rueful smile spread across his face. “At first, it was awful. You know how the withdrawal is. Plus, I had so many other issues attributed to youth. But I ended up with a great team that helped me. It was a day-to-day situation. We had group therapy sessions when I got to the point where I could handle it. That’s when I saw I wasn’t the only one and it helped. I knew if they could do it, so could I. You can too, Acer.”

  “I’m so afraid of facing those demons.”

  “Everyone is. Funny thing about that. When you face them, eventually the nightmares go away. You’ll find out that you’re the winner, not them.”

  I let the rotten air out of my lungs and filled them with fresh oxygen. “Will I ever stop feeling so dirty?”

  “Yeah, you will. It won’t happen by tomorrow, I’m afraid. But it will happen.”

  “My heart feels like there’s a huge black hole in the middle of it.”

  “Because those people wanted you to feel that way. They wanted you to feel worthless, degraded, foul. You are anything but those things. You are loved by so many people. The only thing you have to do is let them in.”

  “I’m not sure if I can.”

  “You can, one by one. Start with whoever is easiest. Your brothers are begging to see you every day. And of course your parents. But then there’s Isla and your sister-in-law, Reynolds. They call me daily.”

  “No! I can’t ever see Isla. She’s so pure and needs someone clean. Perfect. I’m not that guy.”

  “Acer, who in this world is perfect and without fault? If you can name me that person, I’ll buy you a bridge.”

  He had me there. No one was flawless. I’d always thought of Isla that way, but was she really? Everyone made mistakes and most people learned from them.

  “You’re right, but I’m still not the guy she used to know.”

  “Then you’ll have to be the one who tells her.”

  Of course, he was right. It wasn’t fair, having her hanging around here when there was no future for us. I’d work up the courage to tell her the next day.

  “Can I use a phone?” I had no idea where mine was. It had probably been trashed by those fuckers.

  He smiled. I supposed he saw that as progress. I wasn’t so sure of that. “Yes, that can be arranged.”

  “In the meantime, can you call my parents? I guess I owe them an apology for acting like such a dick to them.” His grin grew. Maybe I was making progress. “Don’t look so happy. It’s just a start.”

  “That’s exactly what I was hoping for.”

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  ACER

  When Mom came in she took hesitant steps toward me.

  “Hi, Mom, Dad. I wanted to say I’m sorry for acting the way I did.”

  At my words, she moved directly to the bed. “Honey, you’ve been through—”

  “A terrible time. I know. But that doesn’t give me the right to treat you the way I did.”

  Mom sat on the end of the bed while Dad took the chair.

  “Acer,” she began, “we understand. We really do. We love you and would do anything for you. This is going to take a while and Dr. Sheldon is the best from everything we’ve read. I know it can’t feel that way to you now, but time is your friend.”

  “Mom, I wish I could talk more to you, but right now, I just can’t.”

  “Don’t worry about that. We want you to know we’re here for you.”

  I rubbed my arms and let my breath out. “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?”

  “For not being the son I should’ve been.”

  “You are, Acer. You’ve always been our Little Guy.”

  My jaws clenched. “Mom, stop lying. I was a terrible failure and I did everything wrong. Somehow it seems I deserved this.”

  Dad stood and towered over me. Anger sparked in his eyes. “Acer Kent, if you ever speak such nonsense again, I will knock some sense into you. You did NOT deserve what happened to you. No one deserves that.”

  “You were taken against your will, Acer. How can you possibly say such things?” Mom’s eyes filled with tears.

  “Because I’m not like my brothers. I’ve screwed up everything. And now I have to suffer the consequences.”

  Mom reached for my hand. I wanted to yank it out of her grasp, but I didn’t. I suffered through it and eventually found it wasn’t so bad.

  “Acer, when you were just a little tyke, you were stubborn as can be. I would say the same things to your brothers that I said to you, but you always had an argument ready. And it was a darn good one too. You’d try to talk me into everything you wanted, even if it was a hard no. And you’d come close to doing it so many times. You got your way a lot more than any of your brothers ever did. You have this knack about you with people. I always thought you’d end up as an attorney. I used to tell that to your father all the time.”

  Dad nodded. “She did. She’d tell me you could argue the paint off the walls.”

  “I remember. You’d be so frustrated with me. Lots of times I think I just wore you down.”

  “That’s exactly what you did,” Mom said. Then she smiled. “But you always looked out for the underdog. Whenever something happened at school, you’d come and tell me how unfair it was. Your friends would back you up on this. You hated bullies and I had to go to school a lot because you were in trouble for being involved in a fight.”

  “Yeah, and you were never happy about that.”

  “No, but I was so proud of you for sticking up for the boy who was being bullied. Not many kids would do that, but you would step right in and defend the little guys.”

  I hadn’t thought about that in ages, but she was right. I’d end up in trouble too, which I always thought was stupid since I was only trying to help.

  “Your father and I never told you, but those actions made us very proud of you. You were that kind of boy, and you’ve turned out to be that kind of man. If you think about what landed you in this situation, it was sticking up for the little guy. You went with your gut when you didn’t believe something was right. Opening that trailer may not have been the best thing for you, but it saved a lot of lives that night. No one knew you’d end up sacrificing this much, and it makes me sick that you did, but it was typical for you to help others.”

  That never occurred to me. Would I take it all back? When I envisioned the faces in that trailer, especially those little girls, and knowing now what they would’ve faced, I don’t think so. I wouldn’t want anyone to endure what I did and I’d do anything to prevent it. Those young girls wouldn’t have survived what I did.

  “Thanks, Mom. You’ve made me see a different side to this—look at it another way. Not that I’d want to go through it again, but those young kids in that trailer…” I shuddered at the idea of them being held captive. “Yeah, they wouldn’t have survived.”

  “I know Dr. Sheldon is trying to get you to trust him and we hope you do. You don’t ever have to talk to us or tell us what happened. That can stay between you and him. But I do hope we can visit you and bring you things to make your life here better.”

  “Can I get a cell phone? I don’t know what happened to mine.”

  “We’ll be happy to do that,” Dad said.

  “By the way, where am I?”

  “You mean this hospital?”

  “No, I mean the location?”

  “Florida, close to home.”

  That was a relief. “Can you drive home every day?” I hated to think of them staying in a hotel every night.

  “Yes, and Isla has been staying with us. Raiden and Cruze are coming this weekend.”

  At the mention of Isla, I stiffened.

  “What’s wrong?” Mom asked.

  I pressed my lips together. How could I explain?

  There was no good way, so I jumped in headfirst. “It’s Isla. I know without her I never would’ve been found. But… I can’t be with her anymore.”

  “I don’t understand, son.” Dad’s brows arched while Mom frowned.
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br />   “I know. It’s me.”

  “Acer, she’s been here at the hospital waiting for you to see her. Why can’t you? I’m at a loss,” Mom said.

  “So am I, Mom. She deserves to get on with her life and not wait around for me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be relationship material again.”

  “Oh, Acer, honey, don’t say that. You’ve just begun your recovery and look at us. We’re having a great conversation. I didn’t think this would happen a day ago. Give yourself some time before you make that decision.”

  “It’s not fair to her when she could move on and be happy.”

  “Do you honestly think she can after all this?” Mom always had been perceptive, but it was Dad who asked this question. I hadn’t expected it from him.

  “I don’t know what to think anymore. I have to focus on myself and not worry about anything else. That’s why I’m saying this. I’m going to tell her the same.”

  “You should let her decide what she wants to do.”

  “Dad, you can’t understand how I feel inside. If I ever get to the point of feeling like I want her in my life, it may be years from now.”

  Mom went to say something, but I stopped her. “Please respect my wishes. I know you all like her and are grateful for her being involved in the search for me. But I would ask you to see it from my perspective too.”

  They agreed. When they left, I made them promise not to say anything to Isla. That was my responsibility, my duty and I’d take care of it, even though it would break her heart. I didn’t have one left to break.

  * * *

  Isla walked in wearing a huge smile. I’d forgotten how stunning she was. That was another reason I had to do this. How could a man forget how beautiful the woman he loved was? My head throbbed as my gut knotted at the thought of what I was getting ready to do to her. I felt like the heartless bastard I was.

  “Hey! This is a good sign, right? I was worried I’d never get to see you again. God, Acer, I missed you so much.”

  She was at the bed by now as I sat on the edge. Her arms extended, as I watched in slow motion. The words that were on the tip of my tongue wouldn’t come out. Then, when her hand grazed my skin, I yelled, “Don’t! Don’t touch me!” I backed away, as far as I could, as she eyed me in horror. What was going through her mind? I could not even imagine how she must feel.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t know. I won’t do it again until you’re ready.”

  I sat there, dazed by the pain of her hand. Would I ever be able to manage the touch of a woman again?

  As my breathing slowed, I turned to see her staring at me. “No, it’s me who’s sorry. You have to know I’ve changed and I’m no longer that same person.”

  “Acer, what you’ve been through would change anyone. You can’t expect to be the same. Nobody would.”

  “Isla, that’s not what I mean.”

  “Then tell me. I’m here to help if you’ll let me.” The corners of her mouth turned up.

  This was much harder than I’d imagined. Then again, I was going to rip her heart out so what had I expected?

  “You can help by leaving and not coming back.”

  Her smile was gone in a flash and replaced by a frown as her brows drew together. “What are you saying?”

  “The obvious. I want you to get on with your life and not waste it on me.”

  She laughed. “I’m not wasting it on you. When you love someone, care for someone, you do everything in your power to help that person. That’s why I’m here.”

  “I know. And I’m telling you to go and live your life. I won’t ever be the same person you fell in love with. He no longer exists. Instead, there’s a darkness inside of me that won’t ever go away. You need someone who isn’t tarnished, or who has a clean soul. That person isn’t me.”

  Her eyes sparked. “Don’t you dare tell me what I need. I’m the only one who can decide that. You are not in charge of that part of me.”

  “No, but I am in charge of me, and sustaining a relationship with you isn’t possible. Even though you hurt now, you’ll be thanking me later.”

  “How do you know what I’ll be doing? You’re trying to kick me to the curb and I won’t allow it.”

  I sat up and leaned toward her, careful not to get too close. “Isla, listen to me. I’m dirty. I’ve been used in ways I can’t even tell you about and I won’t. But the thought of having any type of sexual relationship makes me ill.”

  “That’s norm—”

  “Stop. You don’t know what you’re saying. You can’t unless you’ve walked in my shoes. Have you?”

  “Of course not.”

  “Then don’t say it’s normal. At this point, I can’t stomach the thought of you even touching me. Anything else is so far out of the question, who knows if it will ever be possible. It could be years.”

  “I’m willing to wait.”

  “You may be, but I won’t let you. Live, Isla. It’s a huge world out there. Find someone else to love you. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t waste it on someone as filthy as me.”

  “You’re not filthy. Quit saying that.”

  An ugly laugh slipped out of me. “Oh, but I am. If you knew the things I did, said, just for my medicine as I called it, you would run from me as fast as your legs could carry you.”

  “You were addicted.”

  “Correction. Am addicted. And I’ll always be an addict. My soul is blackened and my heart… let’s just say it’s no longer there.”

  She crossed her arms and one of her hips popped out. I remembered how sexy I used to think she was when she did that. Now? Not so much. She was just a beautiful woman to me. I had zero sexual response remaining in me. I abhorred the way I was. That’s what being raped did to a person.

  “Acer, please, let me help.”

  “Isla, I don’t want to hurt you. I’m grateful for everything you did to find me, but I can’t. Please go.”

  Tears trailed down her cheeks. It was bound to happen even though there was nothing I could do to prevent them.

  “Okay. You win. This time. But contrary to what you believe or say, I will not give up on you or us. I’ll leave and go back to work, but I’m not staying away for good. That’s a promise.” She pointed her dainty finger at me. Then she was gone, leaving me to my own misery again.

  Hours later, Dr. Sheldon came in.

  “Acer, I spoke with your parents and they told me it went well with them. They also told me what your plans for Isla were. I’d highly advise against that.”

  “Too late, Doc. Mission accomplished.”

  “I was afraid you’d say that. Can I ask why?”

  I gave him the short explanation.

  “It’s understandable, but you’re jumping to conclusions about yourself. And remember, I’ve been through it too.” Dr. Sheldon had a short beard that he rubbed when he was thinking about things. He was doing that now, so I knew a commentary was up next.

  “I once thought that way too. I was younger than you, of course, and my brain wasn’t capable of thinking far ahead. When I was found, I was nearly catatonic. It took weeks before I’d even speak. Remember, this was a few decades ago, so our therapy wasn’t as advanced as it is now. We didn’t know as much about PTSD as we do today. But I made it through. I am proposing you begin group therapy tomorrow. Sitting in this room, with nothing to do but reflect on what happened, is not healthy. You’re dwelling on the bad and not the good. Your withdrawal is coming along and we are ready to begin the methadone reduction. Because of that, you will need group too. So, tomorrow begins your new regimen of getting well.”

  “Can you explain that?”

  “I’ll be happy to. In the morning, at seven-thirty, you’ll start the day with meditation. Then you go to breakfast in the cafeteria. After that, you’ll attend your first group session with recovering addicts. Then you’ll see a therapist.”

  “I won’t see you?” My pulse raced at the idea of baring my soul to someone else.
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br />   “You’ll still be seeing me, but being here involves intensive therapy. With that comes seeing multiple therapists who specialize in PTSD and working with drug addicts, me being one of them. It also includes group therapy which is equally as beneficial. You see, Acer, you learn from others on how they cope with drug addiction and being a victim. You’ll be amazed at the improvements you’ll make. When you’re completely off the methadone, the psychological need for the opiates still exists. Being around others who’ve experienced it will give you some coping mechanisms.”

  “I, uh, I’m not sure I’ll be able to talk to others.”

  “You won’t. Not at first. The only thing expected of you is saying your name. It gets better each time you go.”

  He didn’t understand. “I’m not talking about the group sessions. I also mean the other therapists.”

  “I see. Many others have gone through those same emotions. If you don’t match up with someone, we’ll switch you. Try not to worry about this. It’s not designed to harm you, but to help.”

  “Okay. I’ll do my best.”

  “Great. That’s all I ask. And remember, there’s always someone around, including myself, if you need to talk.”

  “Thanks.”

  He left and I was alone again, dreading the next day. It made me uneasy thinking about how I would handle myself around people I’d never met. It was difficult enough around my family.

  I didn’t sleep much that night. Anxiety, along with the withdrawal symptoms, kept me awake. At seven, a nurse escorted me to the meditation room. On the way, I checked out the place. I had kept to myself since I’d been here. I had become a man who was frightened by his own shadow.

  We came to a large room where others were filing in. The nurse said, “This is your place. You’ll love meditation. Once you get the hang of it, you’ll wonder why you haven’t practiced it before.”

  “Thanks.”

  She left me standing there as I stood outside the door. A man about my age, came up to me as he was walking in.

  “Are you new?”

  “Kind of. I’ve been here almost two weeks.”