by Robin Roseau
While riding, I pressed against any bare skin I could find. It wasn’t entirely logical, as it had been shown I only needed to hold her hand. But I was so terrified of bouncing away from her, that I wrapped around her and pressed tightly besides. If it bothered her, she didn’t say a word.
We stopped periodically for a break, to water the horses, and to see to our own needs. We made a mid-morning stop, and then we came to a village and stopped for lunch. Alyidil and I worked out how to climb up and down from the mount, and we would become quite practiced over the coming weeks. After that, we clasped hands, and I pressed against her side besides. If anyone paid any attention to us, they would have assumed we were lovers, from the way we touched.
And while Alyidil was not as intimate or remotely desperate about it, like I was, she returned my touches, often adding her hand atop mine, or upon my shoulders, or leaning her cheek against mine. Neither of us talked about it, and I should have been angry for it, but I wasn’t. I was angry about the rest, but I wasn’t angry about the way she treated me.
I said nothing to anyone regarding my situation. We were noticed; of course, we were. Lal Keshia rode with a cloak, the hood pulled up, her face hidden in shadows, and she avoided looking at anyone besides, and so she drew no notice. But the others were quite obvious, and we received stares.
But no one bothered us, and I said nothing to acquire help. No one could help me, and I had no doubt they would leave me to die if it became necessary.
And so, I clung to Alyidil, saying very little.
Then we were on the road again, riding until late, and then finding an inn for the night.
We had dinner, and then Alyidil and I took turns undressing, working carefully so as to maintain physical contact at all times. We both wore nearly nothing and climbed into bed together. She wrapped around me, and then the others settled into their beds.
I was terrified we’d separate in the night, and so I slept very poorly. I’m sure I made it difficult for Alyidil as well, and at one point she said, “I won’t let go, Jeraya. I promise, I’ll hold you.”
“I’m so scared.”
“I know. If you roll onto your stomach, I’ll rub your back, and then I’ll press against you. We’ll be touching far more than is necessary.”
So, we did that, and her touches on my back felt nice. At the end, I slept for a few hours. And when I woke, I felt her, pressed against me.
I dozed a little longer, and then I heard the others begin to move. And then Alyidil moved, cuddling even more closely against me, and I felt her breath on my neck. I shifted towards her to lie on my side, and when she wrapped an arm around me, I took her hand, staring at it for a while.
The second day of travel was similar to the first, although that night, it was too far to the next town, and so we made a camp.
It wasn’t until the fourth day that I asked, “Why do you serve her?”
“She bought us.”
“I don’t understand.”
“We were slaves,” she said.
“Slavery isn’t legal in Sargaren.”
“It is in Gelsara.”
“Where you’re from.”
“No. We’re from a place south of Gelsara called Sendisha. We were taken in a raid. Burquiri is my sister. Mayolin is our cousin, and Filfoyss is her best friend. We were lucky to be kept together.”
“I’m sorry.”
“We were young,” she said. “I was twelve. It was a year later that Lal Keshia found us for sale in the market. We were to be sold separately, and she got the story from Mayolin. She bought all of us together. Two years later, she brought us to Sargaren, and once we reached Mendelo, she told us we were free women. We have continued to serve her since. She has kept us together, and she has kept every promise she’s ever made to us. Life here is better than Sendisha, and far, far better than our fate in Gelsara.”
“And now you’ve come full circle,” I said. “You’ve now held your own raid and captured me. I’m now your slave. How does that make you feel?”
She said nothing for a long time. I remained pressed against her, and she didn’t push me away, so we rode without words for perhaps twenty minutes. “It isn’t the same,” she said finally.
“It’s not identical,” I agreed. “But yes, it is the same. You violently took me from my home. I don’t know if they had to beat you to make you behave, but do you think I’m holding you like this because I want to? And you have certainly threatened to abuse me if I am not entirely obedient. You’re taking me from the only home I’ve known, and frankly, I do not believe any of her promises. I don’t believe any of it, but even if there is a goddess, what happens to me when she doesn’t answer?”
“Lal Keshia will not blame you.”
“What happens, Alyidil?” I asked. “I am far from home with no money, no clothing. I don’t know anyone. No job. No home. Am I going to have to sell my body to live?”
“No!”
“I don’t believe her, and I don’t believe you. Maybe I will not be abused further, but we’ll see about that. Maybe this ritual doesn’t involve me as a sacrifice, but we’ll see. She intends to bring a god from another world. Who do you think will pay the price of that magic?”
“She’s never broken a promise to us,” Alyidil said.
“It’s not identical to what you went through, and no one should have to go through that. But no one should have people come to her home in the dark of the night and treat me the way you did. No one should be forced to cling to the woman who did that, the way I’m clinging to you, in fear of dying if I bounce off this horse. What happens if a bee stings the horse, and it bolts? I’ll fall off, and now you’re on a fleeing horse. How long before you return to me, Alyidil? Before I’m dead?”
She didn’t answer me, and we didn’t talk again that day, not more than necessary.
But that night, in bed, she was tender to me, rubbing my back and then firmly cuddling against me.
* * * *
It was mid-morning, a week into our travels, when Lal Keshia pulled her horse into place beside ours. We rode that way for several minutes before she said, “Jeraya, you seem like an intelligent woman.”
I’d taken to riding with my head turned, my face pressed against Alyidil’s shoulder. I was turned to the right, and Lal Keshia was on our left. I considered and then turned, facing her, but still pressed against Alyidil.
“You’ve won,” I said. “I am helpless but to go where Alyidil takes me. What else do you want?”
“There are two things you may care to know about me.”
“I doubt it.”
“First, I am not without empathy. And second, I am a very curious person. I believe we have the first in common, you probably more than me. And as a curious person, I wonder if we also share the second.”
I straightened. I knew I didn’t need to press against Alyidil the way I had been, but it made me feel better to share as much skin-to-skin touch as I could. But I didn’t have to, so I straightened in the saddle, although I kept one hand on her bare thigh, and the other was wrapped around her stomach, holding hands with her.
“That’s what you want to know? Whether I am capable of empathy?”
“I already know you are,” she replied. “As you’ve said, you were kind to four strangers, and it wasn’t because you wanted something from them. And I know you hold some curiosity. But we haven’t explored the limits of your empathy, your intelligence, or your curiosity.”
“Aren’t the last two the same thing?”
“Not at all. In a way, curiosity is a recognition of the joy in exercising your mind, at whatever level of intelligence you hold. That’s a poor definition, but do you see?”
“That seems wrong. Curiosity is wanting to know things.” I paused. “But maybe in your language, your definition is better.”
“And that,” she said, “is a sign of your empathy, to recognize that. Is that what you believe, or are you only offering a possible explanation?”
“A poss
ible explanation, but I suspect we understand the word in a far more similar fashion.”
“Well, your definition is right,” she said. “We have another word. Guria. It means a desire to exercise your intelligence or wit. It is an important concept for my people.”
“And you wish to practice your wit against me. I feel I would be a poor opponent.”
“Ah. While I do enjoy practicing my wit, no, I do not wish to do so with you. As I am not void of empathy, I am able to recognize you feel vulnerable, and I do not believe such a game between us would make you feel better. I have no desire to make you feel even worse, Jeraya.”
“Did you just tell me you already decided I would be a poor opponent?”
“No. I told you that I am good enough that even if you are a very good opponent, we would both score points, and I do not believe the points you would score would balance the points I would score, when it comes to how you feel.”
“Well, I’d be a poor opponent. I don’t play that way.”
“And so, while we shall not sharpen our wits, I still wonder if you enjoy exercising your mind.”
“Is that why you’re over here instead of up there?” I gestured with my nose to the head of our group.
“I’m here with my own curiosity.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Many things.”
“Name one.”
“All right,” she replied. “You understand that holding hands with Alyidil is sufficient, but yet you find much more contact. I am trying to understand why. I’ve been thinking about it for the last hour, and in my mind, I’ve gone in circles.”
“What circles?”
“Well, one point on the circle assumes you are far less intelligent than I believe you are, and you believe the contact is necessary. It’s not.”
“And other points?”
“None of the points I visit make complete sense. You have stopped making your insults, few of which I understand, and I do not believe Alyidil does, either.”
“You understand the intent.”
“You were expressing your justified rage and letting us know what you think of us.”
“Then I believe I have made my point. To continue would be repetitious.”
“Well, that’s a different conversation,” she said, “although perhaps related.”
“I didn’t hear a point on the circle.”
“No. That’s a point on a smaller circle, along the edge of the larger circle.”
“Circles and circles,” I said.
“I’ve watched how Alyidil treats you.”
“And?”
“And it is a very long time since someone has treated me with the tender care she has offered you, but I remember what it was like.”
“And?”
“And that turns into a point on the larger circle: you are growing emotionally attached to Alyidil.”
I glanced at the woman in question. I was sure she was listening intently.
“Alyidil is quite attractive, and many people find exotic appearances especially enticing,” Lal Keshia continued. “To your eyes, I imagine she appears quite exotic.”
“You find her attractive?”
“Yes.”
“In spite of being different species?”
“Yes.”
I studied Alyidil. Then I lifted my hand from her thigh, set fingers upon her chin, and turned her so I could see her in profile. She shifted her eyes towards me. I couldn't read her expression, but she hadn’t fought me when I turned her. When I released her chin, she slowly turned back to look forward again, but she squeezed my other hand. I set my free hand on her bare shoulder, but it would find its way back to her thigh soon enough.
“You’re right about some of the things you’ve said, Lal Keshia,” I said finally. “Alyidil does carry an exotic appearance. If the situation were different, I could easily find her deeply alluring. I find it unlikely she feels the same way about me. She treats me the way she does for her own reasons, and it’s not attraction. Some of it is guilt. No. Most of it is guilt. She feels guilty for helping you do this to me. I also wonder if she believes I will live through this, although she has insisted I will. But she recognizes how deeply she has hurt me, and she is not so cold as to be immune to guilt.”
“I imagine that is a portion of her motivation,” Lal Keshia. “Is there more?”
“Keeping me complaisant makes me easier to manage,” I added. “Treating me sweetly means I am not upbraiding all of you at every turn. Instead, I have turned meek and mild, which makes this easier for everyone.”
“You feel she is so calculating?”
“I gave her the benefit of the doubt when I said her primary motivation was guilt. So, a point on the circle is that I am growing tender towards Alyidil. Are there other points?”
“None I am satisfied with. I am not satisfied with the two we have discussed, either. Yes, you’ve been meek and mild. I believe your anger has been tempered. I believe the pleasant weather hasn’t hurt. But I do not believe either explanation is accurate.”
I studied her then laid my face against Alyidil’s back again, still watching Lal Keshia. She noticed, of course, but she said nothing. My free hand moved back to Alyidil’s thigh. “I am trying to decide if I should try to satisfy your curiosity or be petty and let you continue to wonder.”
“While you’re deciding that, I’ll ask another question. Are you curious whether your guesses regarding Alyidil’s treatment of you are a complete explanation?”
“Not really.”
“I think you are.”
“And you offer additional explanation as a trade?”
“I am making conversation and suggesting two-way conversation is more fulfilling than one-way.”
“Ah.”
“I judge some of your guesses as likely accurate, and others as inaccurate.”
“Do you?”
“Are we sparring now after all?” she asked.
I didn’t care for that question, and I turned my head, facing the other way. It wasn’t consciously done, but I also pressed more tightly against Alyidil. When I realized that, I stilled, stiffening a little. Alyidil turned her head, looking at me through one eye. I lifted my head from her shoulder and looked at her. Finally, I turned back to Lal Keshia. “I don’t want to spar with you. Are you making conversation or offering a trade?”
“Well, I was probably offering a trade, but I agree with you. I don’t want to spar, either. You were undoubtedly right when you suggested Alyidil feels guilty. I was right when I suggested you find her appearance exotic. I suspect you find her every bit as exotic as you find me, but she is more alluring to you.”
“I never said that part.”
“No, but I did,” she countered. “What you may not realize is that if you find her appearance exotic, she probably feels the same way about you.”
“There are women who look like me everywhere you look.” Then I looked around. We were traveling through a stand of trees. “All right, not here exactly, but you know what I mean.”
“I understand your point. “The four of them were quite shocked the first time they saw someone with blonde hair.”
“They must have outgrown that reaction.”
“Partly, but only partly,” she said. “My point is that while she may not find your appearance as exotic as you do hers, she finds you at least a little exotic.”
“And so, you suggest her treatment of me is due, in small part, because she likes me.”
“She likes touching you,” Lal Keshia said. “She likes feeling you against her. She likes holding your hand. She likes the feel of your skin against hers.”
I looked at my riding companion. She was still watching me. Without taking my eyes from Alyidil, I declared, “Her loyalty is to you.”
“Yes, and I do not suggest she is conflicted or torn. When I ordered them to bring you to me, they didn’t question my orders or intentions. But I earned their loyalty, and I have never given them a reason
to doubt me. I am not saying anything she doesn’t know, yet she is paying acute attention. Do you know why?”
“Because we’re talking about her.”
“Because she’s listening to your responses.”
I watched Alyidil for a minute, then I turned to Lal Keshia. “Intellectually, I know we only need hold hands, or any similar amount of touch. At the same time, I know both intellectually and more instinctually that I am at severe risk. I can envision ways in which I could be thrown from this horse, and Alyidil wouldn’t return to me in time. Even if she did, I would suffer terribly until she reached me. I am afraid, and it is not without cause.”
“I considered a carriage,” she said. “But portions of our travel do not support such transportation, and we will almost certainly experience very muddy roads.”
“The carriage would get stuck.”
“Yes.”
“I know you’ve said you aren’t going to kill me,” I said. “But I don’t believe you. And so, I am afraid for what happens after. And I am afraid of what you will do if your goddess does not hear you, or if she rejects me.”
“Either way, we will take care of you.”
“Right. I’m supposed to believe that. And even if you don’t murder me, I will be stranded far from home with absolutely nothing.”
“And I have said I will take care of you.”
“You haven’t explained that, and I wouldn’t believe you if you did.” I held up my left wrist, pulling it from Alyidil’s grasp to do so. “Perhaps this is permanent.”
“It isn’t.”
“Perhaps you have other means. Perhaps you can render me mute. I don’t know. But I am afraid, and I have good reason to be afraid. I cling to Alyidil because it soothes me to do so. I avoid conversation because they always come around to what you are doing to me, and what I am afraid comes next. So instead, I think about how good she feels, because that is easier to think about than any of my other choices.”
She paused, then nodded. “As much as I control, you have experienced the worst that is to happen.”
I thought about that. I didn’t believe her. “You could acknowledge you have no right to treat me this way. You could apologize.”