An Author's Odyssey

by Chris Colfer

  The tigers on the ground dropped their jaws in unison. They had never seen their lunch float away in a giant balloon before.

  “Time to diet, you overgrown felines!” the old woman yelled at the tigers below, and she slammed the door shut with gusto.

  The old woman wore pearls, high heels, and a fur coat, with goggles and an aviator hat just like Beau’s. She had a familiar raspy voice and saucy attitude. It only took Charlotte a couple of seconds to realize the old woman was based on Mother Goose.

  “That was closer than the run-in I had with Bonnie and Clyde,” the old woman said. “I see you picked up some friends, Beau.”

  “I wasn’t expecting the temple to be filled with tigers!” Beau said. “Why are ancient ruins always filled with giant predators? Just once I’d like to walk into a tomb and find a flock of sheep.”

  “I wasn’t talking about the cats,” the old woman said.

  “Oh, obviously,” Beau said. “Aunt Emgee, this is Conner and his mother, Charlotte. I found them in the jungle right after I left the temple. Apparently they got separated from their tour guide and have been lost in the jungle for a couple of days.”

  Emgee eyed Conner and Charlotte over her goggles. “You look awfully cleaned-up for being lost in the jungle,” she said.

  “My mom’s really into personal hygiene,” Conner said.

  “I’m a nurse,” Charlotte said with a shrug.

  Emgee was pleased to hear it. “I always love meeting a fellow working woman,” she said. “Welcome aboard the Charlie Chaplin!”

  The old woman helped Beau, Conner, and Charlotte to their feet and shook their hands.

  “Did you name the blimp after the actor?” Charlotte asked.

  “Actually, he named himself after the blimp,” Beau said. “He’s Emgee’s ex-boyfriend.”

  Emgee twirled her pearls and blushed. “Oh, no, he was just a fling,” she said. “Poor kid fell madly in love with me, but I was too old for him and had already vowed not to date any more actors. Speaking of ancient history, did you get the relic, Beau?”

  Her grand-nephew held up the golden hand. “Presenting the fourth and final Golden Hand of Shiva!” he said happily.

  “Way to go, kiddo!” Emgee said. “You’ve collected them all! The Delhi Museum will be ecstatic!”

  Beau placed the golden hand on a shelf with three identical relics. Conner and Charlotte looked around the blimp with wide eyes. There were shelves and cases filled with artifacts, statues, tools, coins, and jewelry from ancient ruins around the world. All the walls in the Charlie Chaplin were covered in maps of various places with pins indicating where Beau and Emgee had traveled.

  Conner knew where each and every artifact came from and the different adventures Beau had had collecting them. The only one he didn’t recognize was a small doll made of rope. Beau slapped his hand as he reached for it.

  “Don’t touch that—it’s cursed,” Beau warned him.

  Conner nodded. He remembered it now. Charlotte looked around the blimp at all of Beau and Emgee’s belongings. She couldn’t believe her son had created a world with such unique details and original characters.

  “You’ve collected all of these?” Charlotte asked.

  “Not us—it’s all him,” Emgee said, and patted her grand-nephew on the back. “Beau is the youngest archaeologist in the world. He earned his doctorate when he was just twelve years old!”

  “It was actually my second,” Beau clarified. “I got my first doctorate in political science when I was ten, but that was before I realized archaeology was my passion.”

  “That’s extraordinary,” Charlotte said. “I’m sure your parents are very proud!”

  Beau lowered his head sadly. “Actually, my parents died when I was five,” he said. “My mom was a flapper and my dad was a musician. They were performing at an underground nightclub when the building above it collapsed from all the barrels of gin the owner was hiding in the attic.”

  “Prohibition.” Emgee groaned. “It took away so much joy from so many people. I’ve been caring for the little rascal ever since. I’ve supported him through every step of his archaeology ambitions. A lot of my friends thought I was crazy when I sold my brownstone and bought a blimp to travel the world, but if you ask me, it was a great investment. Everyone’s crazy about planes these days, but I think blimps will be the transportation of the future.”

  “We’ve had some good times aboard the Charlie Chaplin,” Beau said. “We’ve gone on so many adventures, seen so many astonishing places, and met so many interesting people. Speaking of which, where are you guys headed? Is there a place we could drop you off at?”

  With just a look, Conner reminded his mom to let him do all the talking.

  “The rest of our group headed to Egypt,” he said. “You wouldn’t by chance be headed in that direction, would you?”

  Emgee was so tickled by the coincidence, she slapped her knee.

  “You’re in luck!” Emgee said. “We’re headed to the Ancient Pyramid of Anesthesia right now! Beau’s got his heart set on a mythical talisman.”

  Charlotte was confused. “Anesthesia?” she whispered to her son.

  “I heard you and Bob talking about it once and thought it sounded like an ancient pyramid,” Conner whispered back. “Tell us more about this talisman. It sounds super-neat!”

  Beau was more than excited to talk about it. He retrieved a rolled-up map from a stack in the corner and spread it over the table in the center of the gondola. The map was of southeast Egypt and showed a giant pyramid located near the Nile a few miles south of Cairo. Beau yanked an illustration of a talisman off the wall and placed it on top of the map. The talisman was a gold medal with several Egyptian hieroglyphics carved into it.

  “The Lost Talisman of Pharaoh Eczema,” Beau said theatrically. “According to legend, the pharaoh was so beloved by his people, they presented him with a golden talisman. Unfortunately, the token of appreciation made the gods jealous. When the pharaoh grew old and became ill, he was afraid the gods would punish him unfairly in the Underworld. So at the time of Eczema’s death, one thousand of his most devoted soldiers were killed, mummified, and buried with him in the pyramid so he wouldn’t enter the Underworld alone. The gods were furious and denied the soldiers entrance to the Underworld, forcing them to roam the pyramid as the undead. Since they can’t protect the pharaoh in the Underworld, the soldiers devotedly protect his remains in the pyramid.”

  “Wow,” Charlotte said, and glanced at Conner. “That’s unsettling.”

  “But wait, there’s more!” Beau said. “The legend also states that Pharaoh Eczema’s soul bestowed mythical powers on the talisman. Whoever wears it has complete control over the mummified soldiers in his pyramid. The pharaoh was buried with the talisman in a golden chamber deep in the Pyramid of Anesthesia. The chamber is surrounded by a maze, and the pharaoh’s casket is patrolled by his most treasured and loyal guardian.”

  “Conner, that sounds just like the talisman you wanted to collect,” Charlotte said. “Is it the same or is there more than one?”

  The horrified gaze Conner sent his mother was the exact expression Beau sent him. Once again, Conner slapped his palm against his forehead, and Charlotte knew she had made a mistake by sharing their plan.

  “You’re after the talisman, too?” Beau asked.

  “Um… kind of,” Conner said. “I happen to dabble in archaeology as well. My mom and I are planning to find the talisman and donate it to… um… the Not-So-Natural History Museum in Cairo.”

  “Well, you can forget about it!” Beau yelled. “The talisman is mine! It’s one of the reasons I went into archaeology! Emgee, open the door—let’s kick these tomb raiders off the Charlie Chaplin! I should never have saved you in the jungle!”

  “Easy, Beau,” Emgee said. “Technically the talisman doesn’t belong to either of you. It belongs to Pharaoh Itchy, or whatever his name is. Seems only fair to get you both to the pyramid and let you duke it out the old-fa
shioned way.”

  Beau nodded. “You’re right, Aunt Emgee,” he said. “We’ll fight to the death!”

  Emgee sighed. “No, Beau,” she said. “I meant you’ll have to race for it.”

  “That seems reasonable,” Charlotte said. “We can even set a starting mark so it’s completely fair.”

  Conner quickly pulled his mother aside. “Mom, stop agreeing! You know I need the talisman to recruit the mummies into our army!”

  “If my son is going to become a warlord, he’s going to come by it honestly! Besides, I am not letting you go inside that pyramid alone now that I know it’s filled with zombie mummies!” Charlotte snapped. “How much longer until we reach the Pyramid of Anesthesia?”

  “It’ll take all night, but we’ll get there by morning,” Emgee said.

  “Then it’s settled,” Charlotte said. “Tomorrow you can both go into the pyramid together, and whoever finds the talisman first can keep it.”

  Neither of the boys was happy about having to race for the talisman. Conner never pictured a scenario where the hero of his story would turn into his competition. He had created the Pyramid of Anesthesia, so hopefully it wouldn’t be too hard to navigate it, but he had also written Beau to be the best archaeologist in the world. It wasn’t going to be an easy race.

  Emgee shifted the gears of the Charlie Chaplin, and the blimp sailed into the western sky.

  “Anesthesia or bust!” the old woman said.

  After a long evening of reminiscing, Emgee convinced Charlotte and Conner she had single-handedly put the roaring in the Roaring Twenties. While she sipped from a jug of homemade potato gin, she told them all about her five failed marriages, her many connections to organized crime, and her early days of performing on a burlesque circuit.

  Even though Beau had found a reason to resent their guests, Emgee loved having an audience besides her grand-nephew.

  Beau spent the whole evening looking over his map of the pyramid and the illustration of the talisman. He only glanced up to glare spitefully at his new opponent. Conner became so tired of the hateful looks, he moved his seat so his back faced the archaeologist.

  At night, Emgee pulled out some guest cots and set them up for Charlotte and Conner to sleep on. She tied down the gears of the Charlie Chaplin so it would continue floating west while they slept, and then she and Beau retired to their rooms in the back of the gondola.

  Spending the night on a blimp was anything but restful. The sudden bursts of elevation and unexpected turbulence made it very difficult for Conner and his mom to stay asleep. However, Charlotte was kept awake by much more than the bumpy ride. Something had been eating at her since she learned about Beau’s parents, something she was desperate to get out.

  “Conner, are you awake?” she asked.

  “I haven’t been able to sleep since that sudden dip over Persia,” he said.

  “Well, I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you, honey,” Charlotte said. “I’m really amazed by everything you’ve created, not just in ‘The Adventures of Blimp Boy’ but in all of your stories. Why have you never shared them with me before now?”

  “I guess I just never wanted to bother you,” he said. “I first started writing shortly after Dad died. You were always so busy with work and taking care of us, I never wanted to put one more thing on your plate.”

  Unknowingly, Conner had just answered a difficult question she had been meaning to ask him.

  “I suppose that’s why there aren’t any mothers in your stories,” Charlotte said. “Your writing represents so many facets of your life, and I spent so much time away from you, I can’t expect any representation of me in your writing. You know, I think one of the reasons I’m so afraid you and your sister are missing out on your lives is because I’ve missed out on so much of your lives. I’m sorry there have been so many times you felt like you didn’t have a mom. It’s never the kind of mom I wanted to be—life just had other plans.”

  This was as heartbreaking for him to hear as it was for Charlotte to confess. “The Ziblings” was the first story that made Conner realize just how meaningful each character in his writing could be; he never thought the lack of a character could be so symbolic, too. But even though there were no mothers in his stories, it didn’t mean Charlotte was missing from them. She didn’t see the stories like Conner did.

  “Mom, you’ve got it all wrong,” Conner said. “You’re in my stories a bunch, you just don’t realize it. Auburn Sally is based on more people than just Goldilocks. There’s a reason I made her hair the same color as yours. After Dad died, you sailed through all the hard times so bravely; it reminded me of a pirate sailing through a storm. You were the real inspiration behind ‘Starboardia.’ Jack and Goldilocks just helped me add some layers to it.”

  “Really?” Charlotte asked. “You’re not just saying that?”

  “You’d know if I was lying to you—you always do,” Conner said. “That’s not all, though! Every day when you went to work and took back-to-back shifts just so we could get by, I always thought you must have had superpowers to get through it. That’s why I made Bolt’s superhero suit the same color as your nursing scrubs. You might have been gone a lot, but you were still a superhero to me and Alex.”

  Charlotte was moved to tears. She leaned over Conner’s cot and kissed him on the cheek.

  “I love you so much, sweetheart,” she said. “And from now on, I want to be the very first person you share your stories with.”

  “The next one’ll go straight off the presses and into your hands,” he said. “I promise.”

  Charlotte’s heart gave a sigh of relief. Knowing she wasn’t missing from her son’s imagination felt like a weight had been lifted off her chest. And Conner rarely got to reassure his mom about anything, so he was happy he could put her mind at ease. They both finally drifted off to sleep as the blimp drifted over Arabia.

  The following morning, Conner and Charlotte awoke as the sun rose and shined through the Charlie Chaplin’s round windows. It felt even hotter than it had in the jungle in India. When Conner looked out the window, he saw they were floating above an endless sandy desert. He could barely see the tip of a triangle peeking out on the horizon.

  “The Pyramid of Anesthesia!” Conner shouted. “We’re almost there!”

  His excited declarations woke up Emgee and Beau. They hurried out of their rooms dressed in pajamas and joined Conner at the window. Emgee couldn’t see until she strapped on her goggles and used them like prescription glasses.

  “That’s the pyramid, all right!” she said. “Personally, I would have built my own pyramid closer to a beach, but to each their own.”

  Less than an hour later, Emgee was piloting the Charlie Chaplin toward the sandy earth beside the pyramid. The landing alone was enough evidence for why blimps never became the transportation of the future as Emgee had predicted. The bottom of the gondola bumped across the sand over a dozen times before the blimp came to a stop. Each contact made the whole gondola rattle, and things toppled overboard.

  Once they landed, the boys got ready for the race to the talisman. Beau fastened the straps of his aviator hat, laced his boots, and zipped up his leather jacket. Conner tied his sneakers, applied sunblock, and put his backpack over his shoulders. Conner tried offering Beau a friendly handshake before they started, but Beau wouldn’t even look at him.

  Outside the blimp, Emgee drew a line in the sand and made Conner and Beau stand behind it. The old woman raised a revolver in the air, careful not to aim it at the Charlie Chaplin.

  “I want a good, clean race,” Emgee said. “No cheating, no sabotage, and no swearing! May the best archaeologist win!”

  “Good luck, honey!” Charlotte said. “Please watch where you’re going—pyramids are dark and dusty.”

  Emgee fired the revolver and Beau and Conner charged toward the Pyramid of Anesthesia. The thick sand was almost impossible to run in. But even wearing tall boots and a leather jacket in the desert heat, Beau was
much faster than Conner. Once Beau was in front of Conner, he purposely kicked the sand backward, aiming for Conner’s eyes.

  “Hey!” Conner said. “That’s cheating!”

  “Eat my dust!” Beau said.

  The boys reached the base of the Pyramid of Anesthesia. Beau immediately ran up the north side like the pyramid was a wide stone staircase. Conner knew the entrance was on the south side of the pyramid, so he ran around it. Beau noticed Conner going in a different direction, so he followed him from higher ground. They arrived at the entrance on the south side of the pyramid at the same time.

  “How did you know where the entrance was?” Beau asked him.

  “Because I made it,” Conner said truthfully in a sarcastic tone, so Beau was none the wiser.

  The young archaeologist kicked the entrance open and a gust of sandy air almost knocked the boys down the pyramid. The entrance led to a long, dark, and dusty hall. The walls were hung with a row of unlit torches and were engraved with hieroglyphics from floor to ceiling. Cobwebs draped across the hall like torn curtains. Clearly there hadn’t been another person in the pyramid for thousands of years.

  Beau took a torch off the wall and pulled a matchbox out of his pocket. He struck a match using the zipper of his jacket and lit the torch. Conner removed the flashlight from his backpack and hit it against the wall until the batteries worked. The boys ran down the hall, venturing farther into the pyramid.

  The hall was just the beginning of a multi-dimensional maze that zigzagged through the pyramid. As soon as the maze split into different directions, Beau purposefully chose the path opposite from Conner, hoping it would get him to the pharaoh’s chamber faster. Conner just rolled his eyes and took the route he knew would get him there quickly.

  After a mile of winding narrow passages, steep staircases, and sharp turns, Conner stepped into an enormous room at the very bottom of the pyramid. The walls were covered with layers and layers of tombs like novels stacked on a giant’s bookshelf. The crypts contained the mummified corpses of the pharaoh’s soldiers. The room marked the halfway point of the pyramid’s maze, which continued on the other side.