An Author's Odyssey

by Chris Colfer

  Beau entered the room several moments after Conner. He was red-faced and winded. Obviously the archaeologist was having a rougher time navigating the maze than Conner was. Beau looked around in astonishment. He had never seen so many tombs in one place.

  “What is this?” Beau asked.

  “This is the pharaoh’s army,” Conner said.

  Beau saw where the maze continued on the other side and dashed toward it, hoping to get a head start on Conner.

  “No, Beau! Wait!” Conner yelled after him.

  “Nice try, but I’m not falling for—”

  Beau suddenly tripped on a rope that was so thin he couldn’t see it. The rope snapped, and two enormous metal gongs fell from the ceiling and crashed to the floor on either side of him. The noise was deafening and the boys covered their ears before it damaged their eardrums.

  “That’s loud enough to wake the dead!” Beau said.

  “That’s the whole point!” Conner said.

  All the crypts began shaking at once. One by one, the lids were pushed off and the pharaoh’s mummified soldiers slowly crawled out of their tombs. They moaned and groaned in agony and crept toward Conner and Beau.

  “Mummies!” Beau yelled. “So the legend is true! It’s all true!”

  Beau and Conner continued into the second half of the maze and the mummies chased after them. Once again, Beau took an alternative route from Conner on purpose.

  Conner knew the second part of the maze even better than he knew the first. He had no hesitation whatsoever as he snaked through hall after hall, climbing higher and higher into the pyramid. Each level he reached became smaller and smaller the closer he got to the top of the pyramid. Soon he came to a pair of golden double doors with the hieroglyph of a phoenix carved into them.

  “I did it!” Conner said proudly. “I made it to the pharaoh’s chamber!”

  His victory was cut short by a blood-chilling scream coming from the maze behind him. It was followed by a clamor of monstrous wails and growls. It sounded like the mummies had caught up with Beau.

  “Help!” Beau screamed. “Help me!”

  Conner was conflicted about what to do next. He was only a few short steps away from retrieving the talisman, the only thing he needed to complete his army and save his friends in the fairy-tale world. For a split second, Conner thought Beau deserved to be attacked by mummies for the way he had acted. However, Conner knew his mom would be upset if only one of them came back alive. So to avoid a potential guilt trip (and because it was the right thing to do), Conner turned around and went to save the archaeologist.

  “Stupid conscience,” Conner mumbled to himself. “It never knows when to quit.”

  He followed the screams through the maze as he carefully took note of the route to get back to the pharaoh’s chamber. Conner found Beau in a corner of the maze surrounded by eight mummies. He was on the floor, and the mummies were viciously hitting and kicking him.

  “Hey!” Conner said. “Toilet-paper heads! Over here!”

  The mummies turned to Conner and crept toward him. He shined his flashlight directly in their eyes, temporarily blinding them. The mummies scattered like roaches, and Conner helped Beau to his feet.

  “You saved my life!” Beau said in shock.

  “I gave you life,” Conner said under his breath.

  “I wasn’t expecting you to come back for me, especially after how I treated you,” Beau said. “Thank you!”

  “You can thank me later,” Conner said. “I found the pharaoh’s chambers. Follow me! There are a lot more mummies where these guys came from!”

  Conner quickly retraced his steps through the maze to the highest point in the pyramid where the pharaoh’s chamber was located. Beau was amazed by how effortlessly he was moving through the pyramid. Finally, the boys arrived at the golden doors with the phoenix, and Conner grabbed the handles to push them open.

  “Wait,” Beau said. “Remember, the pharaoh’s chamber is patrolled by his most treasured and loyal guardian. It might take both of us to defeat it.”

  Conner let out a light laugh. “Yeah…” he said. “I wouldn’t worry about that if I were you.”

  He pushed open the doors and the boys stepped into Pharaoh Eczema’s chamber. Unlike the rest of the pyramid, the chamber was spotless. The walls were made of pure gold and the pharaoh’s colorful casket rested on a platform in the center of the room. They knew they were at the top of the pyramid because the high ceiling rose to a peak above them. There was a small opening in the ceiling that allowed a ray of sunlight to shine directly on the casket.

  Beau eyed the chamber nervously: Something was missing. “Where’s the pharaoh’s most treasured and loyal guardian?” he asked.

  The boys heard high-pitched barking. Peeking around the casket on the floor was a small mummified dog. Although it barked at Conner and Beau, it was clearly more frightened of them than they were of it.

  “It’s a dog?” Beau asked.

  “I don’t know anything more treasured and loyal than someone’s dog,” Conner said.

  Conner held out his hand, and the dog slowly approached it and sniffed around it. There was something familiar about Conner, and the mummified dog became excited when he sensed it. He happily ran around Conner’s feet and rolled on his back, allowing him to rub the wraps covering his belly.

  “Good boy, Bones,” Conner called. “Who’s a nice three-thousand-year-old pup, huh?”

  “You know the dog’s name?” Beau asked him suspiciously.

  “Um… yeah,” Conner said. “I must have read it somewhere.”

  They heard stomping echo through the maze outside the chamber. Conner and Beau turned and saw hundreds and hundreds of mummies creeping toward them.

  “We’ve got to get to the talisman!” Conner said. “Those mummies are about to take out millenniums’ worth of pent-up aggression on us!”

  The boys hustled to the casket and tried sliding the lid off. It was incredibly heavy and they had to use all their strength. Just as the mummies entered the chamber, Conner and Beau knocked the lid over and saw the golden talisman around the neck of the mummified pharaoh. It grossed him out to touch a dead body, but Conner pulled the talisman off the corpse and put it over his own neck.

  “Knock it off!” Conner yelled at the approaching mummies.

  Now that Conner had complete control over them, all the mummified soldiers froze and attentively put their hands at their sides. Beau looked at the talisman around Conner’s neck and became very depressed. The young archaeologist had spent most of his life dreaming about the day he’d find it, only to see it in someone else’s possession. He looked so pathetic, Conner couldn’t help feeling sorry for him.

  “Look, I only need the talisman for a little while,” he said. “I’m going to use the mummies to help out some friends. When I’m done, you can have it.”

  Beau was overjoyed to hear this. “Really?” he asked.

  “Totally,” Conner said. “Besides, it won’t be worth much where I’m from.”

  The archaeologist squinted at Conner. He had been trying to figure out how Conner knew so much about the pyramid and had finally come to the only probable conclusion he could think of.

  “You’re Pharaoh Eczema reincarnated, aren’t you?” Beau asked. “That’s how you knew where the entrance was, how you moved so quickly through the maze, and how you knew the name of his dog.”

  “It’s way more complicated than that,” Conner said. “I’m not sure you’d even believe me.”

  “Try me,” Beau said. “I’m an archaeologist—I live for complication.”

  Conner sighed. After their race through the pyramid, he was too tired to come up with any more lies.

  “Okay, fine,” Conner said with a shrug. “But before I explain, let me ask you this: How familiar are you with classic fairy tales?”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  “THE LIFE AND TIMES OF QUEEN TROLLBELLA”

  Written and Directed by Trollbella


  Dr. Sharon Jackson had been the resident clinical psychologist at Saint Andrew’s Children’s Hospital for over two decades, and today she was facing the most difficult patients of her career. Four stubborn teenage girls sat across from her with their arms folded. They each wore the same hospital gown and the same defiant expression. Unbeknownst to the girls, their worried parents were watching them through the mirror on the wall.

  “Hello, ladies,” Dr. Jackson said. “My name is Dr. Sharon Jackson and I’m a psychologist here at Saint Andrew’s. I’ve been asked to have a word with you. How are you all feeling today?”

  “Don’t answer any of her questions,” Mindy told her fellow Book Huggers. “The less we say, the less they can use against us.”

  “I promise you, we are only trying to take care of you,” Dr. Jackson said. “Do you remember why you were brought to the hospital?”

  Cindy tilted her head in suspicion. “Were we brought to the hospital or were we sent to the hospital?” she asked.

  “Well, you were brought to the hospital by an ambulance,” Dr. Jackson said. “And it was sent here because all four of you were found unconscious on a sidewalk. Does that answer your question?”

  The Book Huggers shared a look—their newest suspicion had been all but confirmed.

  “Do you work for them?” Lindy asked.

  “For who?” Dr. Jackson asked.

  “The people who don’t want us knowing what we know,” Mindy said.

  “What do you know?” Dr. Jackson asked. “And who doesn’t want you knowing it?”

  The Book Huggers could tell that the psychologist was genuinely confused. Perhaps she wasn’t as informed as they thought.

  “Maybe it’s best if we don’t tell you,” Lindy said. “They might lock you up next!”

  “We’ve been here for three days—but they can’t keep us in here forever!” Cindy said.

  “We know our rights!” Mindy said.

  Wendy leaped out of her seat and went to the door. She yanked on the handle with all her might, but the door didn’t budge.

  “Ms. Takahashi, if you’d like to leave, just push the door open,” Dr. Jackson said. “No one is keeping you here against your will.”

  Wendy turned the door handle and pushed it open easily. She blushed and took her seat.

  “Prisoners or not, we know that someone very high up doesn’t want us spreading the facts,” Cindy said. “That’s the real reason we’re here!”

  “I’m glad you brought that up,” Dr. Jackson said. “I think it would do us all some good if we go over the facts together and take a break from suspicions.”

  Dr. Jackson went down a list on her notepad, hoping it would comfort the girls if she put things into perspective.

  “You were found unconscious—that’s a fact,” the psychologist listed. “Just like any young person found in your condition, you were brought to this hospital to be examined—that’s also a fact. When you regained consciousness, you told the doctors that you had seen ‘pirates appear out of thin air,’ and that you had overheard a discussion about ‘recruiting armies of fictional characters’ and a ‘threatened fairy-tale world.’”

  “Yeah,” Mindy said. “Because we did!”

  “Why do you think we fainted in the first place?” Cindy asked.

  “That aside, usually when patients awake from a trauma and describe such eccentric events, I’m asked to have a word with them to make sure there isn’t any psychological damage,” Dr. Jackson explained. “This is all standard procedure, and I assure you that no one high up has any control over you.”

  The Book Huggers slumped in their chairs. Given the circumstances, perhaps the psychologist had been brought in for legitimate reasons. Maybe it wasn’t part of a big conspiracy against them like they thought.

  “We’re just so tired of being told we’re wrong when we know we’re right,” Mindy said.

  “It’s very unlikely four different people would have the exact same hallucination at once,” Cindy said.

  “But no one will listen to us,” Lindy said. “Every time we try to tell someone what we’ve uncovered, they either hang up, point to the door, or threaten restraining orders.”

  The Book Huggers were getting worked up. Dr. Jackson raised her hands to calm them down.

  “Ladies, it’s my job to listen,” Dr. Jackson said. “Tell me what you saw, what you heard, and what you’re worried about. I’ll be honest about what I believe is real or exaggerated, but I’ll also be open-minded.”

  The Book Huggers eyed one another apprehensively. Dr. Jackson was the first person to have shown interest willingly. She took vigorous notes as the teenagers explained the cause of their paranoia.

  “It started in junior high,” Mindy said. “Alex and Conner Bailey disappeared without a trace, and no one could give us a good reason why. We wanted to know the truth, but the more answers we looked for, the more questions we found.”

  “It seemed like there was something our school, our city, and possibly the government were keeping from us,” Cindy said. “Finally, after a year of searching, we saw the twins in a restaurant called the Storybook Grill four days ago!”

  “We heard them talking about ‘recruiting armies of fictional characters’ to save a ‘fairy-tale world,’” Lindy said. “It confirmed all our suspicions that something much deeper was going on! That’s when we snuck to their house, peered through the window, and saw the pirates and their ship appear out of thin air!”

  To their surprise, Dr. Jackson was relieved to hear this. She set her notes aside and a big smile came to her face. She even gave a thumbs-up to the mirror, which the Book Huggers thought was very odd.

  “Ladies, I have good news for you,” the psychologist said. “I believe every word you just said.”

  The Book Huggers were shocked. They had never heard those words come out of someone’s mouth before. For a second, they thought Dr. Jackson—not the pirates at the twins’ house—might be a hallucination.

  “You believe us?” Cindy asked.

  “Absolutely,” Dr. Jackson said. “You aren’t experiencing delusions or hallucinations—you’re suffering from a simple misunderstanding. You see, the twins’ mother and stepfather work at this hospital. As a surprise, they hired a group of entertainers to perform for the patients in a show. The pirates you saw at their house are just performers and the ship was probably a set piece.”

  “A set piece?” Lindy asked. “But it appeared out of thin air!”

  “Haven’t you ever seen a magician or a Broadway show?” Dr. Jackson said. “That’s what good set pieces do—it’s all part of an illusion.”

  The Book Huggers shook their heads and covered their ears. They didn’t want to believe what the psychologist was telling them—it was all too simple!

  “No!” Mindy said. “That can’t be it! There has to be more to the story than that!”

  “I understand your confusion,” Dr. Jackson said. “I met the performers yesterday. Their costumes were so colorful and elaborate, had Mrs. Gordon not explained to me who they were, I might have been just as puzzled as you.”

  “But that doesn’t explain the conversation we heard over dinner!” Cindy said. “Why would they say things like ‘recruiting armies’ to save ‘a threatened fairy-tale world’? Those aren’t words normal people use to describe a show!”

  “I imagine they were using code words to keep the performance a secret,” Dr. Jackson proposed. “I’m sure it took them a very long time to put it together, and they were being extra-cautious. This is a small town—people talk, and clearly people listen.”

  The Book Huggers had put so much time and effort into tracking down and exposing the Baileys—it couldn’t have all been for a performance! They were intelligent girls; they should have spotted a misunderstanding from a mile away.

  The teenagers rocked in their seats, trying to think of where they went wrong. Dr. Jackson glanced up at the clock.

  “Actually, the performance is tonight,” she said.
“But if it’s that unsettling to you, I would recommend sitting it out. Now that we know you aren’t suffering any psychological damage, I recommend you all go home and get a good night’s rest. Doctor’s orders.”

  Once the psychologist prescribed the troubled Book Huggers some sleep, she escorted the girls back to their parents and headed to the hospital’s multi-purpose room.

  Thanks to the characters’ hard work, Trollbella’s thorough direction, and a little touch of Alex’s magic, they had put together a performance for Saint Andrew’s Children’s Hospital in just under a day. The quality of it was questionable, but it was a performance nonetheless. The tedious and frantic task had created a much-needed union among the characters and taught them to work together—which was necessary if they planned on joining forces to defeat the Literary Army.

  The pirates of the Dolly Llama and the Tin Woodman constructed a large stage with red velvet curtains at the far end of the multi-purpose room. The sailors set up the chairs and made sure every patient, their families, and all the hospital employees had a seat.

  Cyborg soldiers were hung from the ceiling and their illuminated body parts were pointed toward the stage like lights. The Cyborg Queen herself converted into a large spotlight and was operated by Commander Newters. Instead of using the hospital’s electricity, all the Cyborgs were hooked up to Bolt, who functioned like a human generator.

  The other Ziblings were working behind the scenes. After Morph had assisted with costumes by turning into a sewing machine, the shape-shifter transformed into the set. Since Whipney had the most dexterity, she was put in charge of props. Blaze was assigned special effects, but it was the easiest job in the entire show since there was only one, at the very end.

  Trollbella insisted the performance have programs so the audience would have something tangible to take away. Bob helped her design the exact flyer she had in mind, and one was laid on every seat. The programs read: