An Author's Odyssey

by Chris Colfer

  DR. BOB & NURSE CHARLOTTE PROUDLY PRESENT

  A Trollbella Production

  The Life and Times of Queen Trollbella

  Written and Directed by

  Trollbella

  Starring

  Trollbella

  & FRIENDS

  At around fifteen minutes to eight o’clock, the multi-purpose room began filling up with an eager audience. Doctors, nurses, and other hospital staff escorted the patients and their families to their seats. Some children were rolled in on wheelchairs or transported in their hospital beds. Although the children weren’t feeling their best, they looked around the room keenly, curious about what was waiting for them on the other side of the curtain.

  Alex and Bob were sitting together in the front row. Alex couldn’t sit still and nervously shook her legs and bit her nails.

  “Are you worried about the show?” Bob asked.

  “Not the show,” she said. “I’m worried about Conner and Mom. I was expecting them to be back by now.”

  Bob laughed. “You look just like your mother when she’s worried about you and your brother,” he said.

  “Now that I know how it feels, I’m never going to keep her waiting again,” Alex said. “I hope they’re all right. It’s not that I don’t trust them, or that I think they need me, it’s just… just…”

  Alex couldn’t think of the words to describe the feeling.

  “You just love them, Alex,” Bob said. “It’s as simple as that.”

  To Alex’s relief, just a few minutes before the performance started, Conner and Charlotte hurried into the multi-purpose room and found her and Bob at the front. They had come straight from “The Adventures of Blimp Boy” and Conner hadn’t even had a chance to take off his backpack.

  “Well?” Alex asked. “How did it go? Did you find the talisman?”

  Conner and Charlotte exchanged a smile. Conner pulled the talisman out from under his shirt and showed his sister.

  “Let’s just say there’s a blimp parked in the field next to the hospital and there’s a thousand mummified soldiers and one mummified dog in the commissary,” Conner said.

  “So it’s done!” Alex said. “We’ve recruited all the soldiers we need to take on the Literary Army!”

  The twins were so thankful the recruitment was finally over. They couldn’t have done it without the help of their mom and stepdad, so they pulled Bob and Charlotte into a tight family hug. It may not have been the family vacation their mom was looking for, but the twins and their parents had accomplished something extraordinary together.

  Bob noticed a foul scent lingering around Conner and Charlotte.

  “What’s that smell?” he asked.

  “Mummies,” Charlotte said. “I sprayed each of them with perfume and disinfectant, but decay isn’t an easy odor to take off.”

  “Should we tell the others before or after the performance?” Conner asked.

  “Let’s wait,” Alex said. “If they pull off the performance, we’ll have two miracles to celebrate.”

  “Is it any good?” Conner asked.

  Alex hesitated to answer. “Let’s just say it probably won’t be your favorite show,” she said. “Trollbella took some liberties.”

  The lights dimmed and all the audience members sat in their seats. The Cyborgs illuminated the stage, and Commander Newters aimed the Cyborg Queen’s spotlight at the center of the curtain. Trollbella stepped through the curtain and waved to the crowd. All the children gasped—they had never seen such a lifelike troll before. The troll queen went to the microphone stand and greeted the audience.

  “Good evening, big room of small people,” Trollbella said. “Welcome to tonight’s performance. As you probably know, I am Queen Trollbella of the Troblin Kingdom. If you don’t know, please ask the person beside you to slap you. I am known for many things in my kingdom: beauty, intelligence, charisma, elegance, passion—but I’m best known for bringing my nation together. Thanks to my brilliant leadership, what was once a territory of greedy trolls and obnoxious goblins is now a kingdom of respectable and sophisticated Troblins. Tonight you will see that transformation before your symmetrical human eyes in ‘The Life and Times of Queen Trollbella’!”

  Conner was already annoyed and it was just the introduction. The audience sat on the edge of their seats—they were loving it. Trollbella dragged the microphone stand to the side of the stage and snapped at Commander Newters to keep the spotlight on her.

  The curtains opened to reveal a dismal set depicting the Troll and Goblin Territory. The Merry Men and the Lost Boys ran onstage in ridiculous costumes. The men were dressed in green and wore goblin ears over their own. The boys wore brown and headbands with horns. All of them looked very uncomfortable.

  “We are the goblins!” the Merry Men announced.

  “We are the trolls!” the Lost Boys said.

  “The kingdoms of man have forced us to live with the trolls,” the Merry Men said.

  “The kingdom of fairies has forced us to live underground with the goblins,” the Lost Boys said.

  “None of us are pleased,” they said together.

  “OH THE AGONY!” Robin Hood said. “SORRY, THAT WASN’T IN THE SCRIPT. I JUST THOUGHT THE SCENE COULD USE A LITTLE PIZZAZZ.”

  The Merry Men and the Lost Boys were terrible performers. Many of them stood motionless with dead eyes and said their lines like robots. Others put way too much effort into their characters and pranced around the stage. Some of them were terrified to be in front of an audience; others enjoyed it too much. Despite their problematic stage presence, they were entertaining to watch. The children in the audience laughed at everything they said.

  “WHY DON’T WE PUT ASIDE OUR DIFFERENCES AND FORM OUR OWN NATION?” Robin Hood said.

  “Robin, you’re skipping lines!” Tootles said.

  “APOLOGIES!” Robin Hood said. “I AM THE GOBLIN KING AND I HATE TROLLS!”

  “And I am the Troll King and I hate goblins,” Tootles said. “How can we live together underground? Now say it!”

  “WHY DON’T WE PUT ASIDE OUR DIFFERENCES AND FORM OUR OWN NATION?” Robin Hood asked.

  “That is a good idea!” Tootles said. “We will form the Troll and Goblin Territory, start our own society, and prove we are not savage creatures!”

  “Hooray,” the men and boys said with very little enthusiasm.

  Trollbella cleared her throat to get the audience’s attention. “The trolls and goblins lived harmoniously in the underground territory for many years, until tragedy struck!” she narrated.

  All the performers froze on the stage. They waited for something to happen, but nothing did.

  “I said until tragedy struck!” Trollbella repeated. “Braid girl, that’s your cue!”

  “Sorry, I was texting!” Whipney called from backstage.

  Using her hair, Whipney lowered onto the stage two pillows painted to look like rocks. The “rocks” gently touched both Robin Hood and Tootles on the head. The actors fell to the floor and acted out dramatic death scenes. Tootles’s performance was much simpler than Robin Hood’s, who convulsed around the stage for almost five minutes before he lay still.

  “GOOD-BYE, CRUEL WORLD!” Robin Hood shouted. “THAT WASN’T IN THE SCRIPT, EITHER! I BELIEVE IT’S CALLED AN ABBY LID!”

  Trollbella shot him a dirty look and then turned to the audience.

  “Sometimes rocks fall and you die—that’s just life,” Trollbella said into the microphone. “With the Troll King and the Goblin King both gone, the territory needed a new ruler!”

  Red suddenly rose from a trapdoor in the center of the stage. She was dressed similar to Trollbella, with horns and a brown dress. All the performers sang like an angelic chorus as she entered, but none of them could find the right note or harmonize.

  “I am the Troll King’s only daughter, Trollbella,” Red said. “I will be your new queen and guide you to prosperity! And… and… what’s the rest of my line?”

  “My heart
is so full!” Trollbella whispered.

  “Yes, that’s it,” Red said. “And my heart is so full, I can’t imagine needing anything else but the affection and gratitude of my people!”

  Peter Pan suddenly flew across the stage wearing a large cardboard heart. It was completely unexpected, by both the audience and the other performers. The children pointed him out to one another, wondering how the boy was able to fly.

  “Not yet, Peter!” Trollbella snipped, and continued the narration. “Although she thought her heart was full, the young queen soon realized something was missing. There was a void in her life that the trolls and goblins couldn’t fill.”

  Jack stepped onstage dressed in jeans, sneakers, and a T-shirt.

  “I’m the handsome Butterboy,” Jack announced. “I’m the queen’s soul mate. I just don’t know it yet because I’m emotionally immature. Sorry, Conner.”

  Conner was so embarrassed, he sank into his seat and covered his face with his backpack. Trollbella was sporting a wide grin—this was her favorite part of the show. Red struck a theatrical pose with her hands over her heart.

  “Be still my heart, for I am in love!” Red announced.

  “Now, Peter!” Trollbella whispered.

  Peter soared out from backstage and flew in circles over the audience. The children laughed and clapped—they reached up and tried to touch him. Conner was irritated by how much they were enjoying the show.

  “Hello, Butterboy!” Red said to Jack. “Would you like to be my king and rule the trolls and goblins with me? Oh, how happy we will be together!”

  “Oh boy, that sounds wonderful!” Jack said. “How lucky I am to be loved by such a beautiful and brilliant troll queen. I will never find someone like her ever again—nope, not once, no how, no way, not going to happen! I want to be with Trollbella for all eternity!”

  “I never said that!” Conner shouted from his seat. “She’s making this up!”

  Trollbella glared down at him from the stage. “If you get to tell stories, so do I!”

  Jack and Red ran toward each other in slow motion across the stage. Suddenly, the lights began flickering melodramatically. Goldilocks stomped onto the stage dressed as a large yellow toad with big warts and a purple beanie. Of all the performers, she looked the least excited to be there.

  “I am the terrible Bree Monster,” Goldilocks announced. “My mission in life is to rid others of happiness. I must keep Butterboy away from Queen Trollbella so their powerful love does not inspire others. I will bewitch Butterboy with a curse so he thinks he has feelings for me, when in reality, I’m so hideous I can’t be loved by anyone.”

  “Oh, come on!” Conner said. “This is just ludicrous!”

  The audience booed as Goldilocks dragged Jack off the stage. Red lowered her head and pretended to cry.

  “After Butterboy was taken from her, Trollbella became very sad,” Trollbella narrated. “But luckily, the troll queen was so commonsensical, she bounced back quickly. She used her misfortune to create something positive!”

  “If I can’t have my Butterboy, I’ll put all my energy into being queen!” Red said with a big smile. “I’ll help the trolls and goblins improve their image by combining them into the Troblins! We’ll turn our territory into a brand-new kingdom so the world will see how much we’ve changed!”

  “The troll queen made the world a much better place for the trolls and goblins,” Trollbella said. “Although it broke her heart to be away from Butterboy, the distance taught the queen a valuable lesson and a secret to success: When you can’t have what you want, make the most out of what you have!”

  A big sign hanging above the stage suddenly caught on fire. It burned THE END and the curtains closed.

  Conner was thankful the show was over. “Well, that was probably the worst piece of theater in the history of—”

  He was interrupted by thunderous applause coming from behind him. Conner turned around and saw every patient in the hospital clapping ecstatically and smiling from ear to ear. Trollbella’s show might have been stupid and silly, but it was exactly what the audience needed. It gave the patients of Saint Andrew’s Children’s Hospital a night off from their troubles and an evening of mindless fun.

  When the curtains opened again, Trollbella and her company reappeared and took a bow. The audience cheered loudly and the patients who could stand gave them a standing ovation. The performers could feel the patients’ gratitude in the applause and they bowed again and again until the clapping stopped.

  After the show, the characters came down off the stage and mingled with the audience. They took pictures, signed autographs, and did everything they could to make the patients feel special. The doctors and nurses appreciated how the performers “stayed in character” while visiting with the children, never suspecting the actors were actually who they claimed to be.

  Dr. Jackson and Mr. and Mrs. Carmichael found Bob and Charlotte in the crowd and shook their hands.

  “Thank you for such a unique performance,” Mrs. Carmichael said.

  “It wasn’t Shakespeare,” said Mr. Carmichael. “But on the bright side, it wasn’t Shakespeare.”

  “I’ve never seen so many smiling faces in this hospital,” Dr. Jackson said. “It was so kind of you to treat the children to a night of fun.”

  “It was our pleasure,” Charlotte said. “It’s amazing what a story can do.”

  It was getting late, and the doctors and nurses escorted the patients out of the multi-purpose room and back to their own rooms. Tootles was a little confused about where to go and wandered off with the other children. Luckily the twins spotted him before he went too far.

  “I’ll get him,” Alex told Conner. “Actually, it’s probably best if I do a lap around the hospital to make sure he isn’t the only one who’s wandered off. You should share your good news with the others!”

  Alex followed Tootles out of the multi-purpose room. Conner waited until everyone had left but his parents, the characters from “Starboardia,” “Galaxy Queen,” and “The Ziblings,” and his friends from the fairy-tale world. He stood on a chair and whistled to get the group’s attention.

  “Congratulations on a good show, everyone,” Conner said. “Trollbella put together a really creative and totally fictional show. You should all be very proud of yourselves!”

  “Fiction is a matter of opinion, Butterboy,” Trollbella said, and winked at him.

  Conner ignored her. “Now, I have some great news to share!” he said. “My mom and I went into my last story and recruited one thousand mummified soldiers into our army! We finally have enough people to face the literary villains and take back the fairy-tale world!”

  The characters erupted into cheers and applause of their own. Their spirits were already high from the performance, but the news sent their spirits soaring. Jack, Goldilocks, and Red shared a celebratory hug.

  “That’s fantastic!” Red said. “I was getting so tired of that commissary!”

  “Good job, my friend,” Jack said, and patted Conner on the back.

  “Well done, Conner,” Goldilocks said. “We couldn’t have done it without YOOOOOUU!”

  Her words turned into a scream, and the room went silent. The color drained from her face and her mouth dropped open. Goldilocks looked to Jack and grabbed his hand.

  “Goldie?” Jack asked. “What is it?”

  “Jack, my water just broke,” Goldilocks said. “I’m going into labor!”

  All the characters glanced at one another in panic. This was such an anticipated moment, but no one was prepared for it. They were characters from children’s stories—none of them knew how to deliver a baby!

  “Quick! We need scissors, boiling water, and recycled paper!” Red shouted. “Or is that for papier-mâché?”

  Trollbella covered her eyes. “Keep it inside while I’m in the room!” she said. “I don’t want to see a baby come out of you!”

  “CALL THE MIDWIFE AND WET NURSE!” Robin Hood yelled. “BUT DON’T
TELL THEM I SENT YOU!”

  “Everyone calm down,” Charlotte said. “I’m a nurse—I know what to do. Bob, make some calls and see if there’s an ob-gyn close by. I’ll take her to the operating room in the new wing of the hospital and get her prepped.”

  “Got it,” Bob said.

  “Isn’t Bob a doctor?” Red asked. “Can’t he help?”

  “He’s not that kind of doctor,” Conner said.

  “There are different kinds of doctors in the Otherworld?” Red asked. “That just seems unnecessarily complicated to me.”

  Bob immediately got on his phone and Charlotte quickly retrieved a wheelchair. They were in a room filled with cutthroat pirates, advanced Cyborgs, and daring superheroes—but Charlotte was the one taking the situation by the horns. It was fun for Conner to watch his characters gawking at his mom. Just like he told her on the blimp, she was the true hero.

  Charlotte gently sat Goldilocks in the wheelchair and pushed her down the hall. Jack held Goldilocks’s hand as they traveled and Red followed them.

  “You guys stay here!” Conner told his characters. “When Alex gets back, tell her where we are!”

  “Good luck!” all the characters said together.

  Conner ran down the hall and caught up with the others.

  “Goldilocks, how’s the pain?” Charlotte asked.

  “Not terrible, actually,” Goldilocks said. “The contractions aren’t nearly as bad as I was expecting—NEVER MIND, THEY’RE BAD! THEY’RE REALLY, REALLY BAD!”

  “Ouch, my hand!” Jack cried.

  “Thank goodness you’re in a children’s hospital, Goldie!” Red said. “I can’t imagine a better place in the world to have a baby! Good timing!”

  “Red, babies aren’t born in children’s hospitals,” Conner said. “They’re usually delivered at standard hospitals.”

  “That makes absolutely no sense!” Red said. “This world is so backward!”

  They traveled through Saint Andrew’s to the operating room in the new wing of the hospital. Conner ran ahead and held the doors for the others to enter. When they went into the operating room, there were three people waiting inside—two of whom were the last people Conner was expecting to see.