When Stars Are Bright

by Amber R. Duell

“You have to walk to the car, then into the train station, to the platform, and then sit in a bumpy train car. Who knows what you’ll find when you get to North Carolina? You might walk twenty miles just to find your friends moved away and took your sister with them.” I swallow a lump in my throat. “Won’t you just come with us? We can send for your sister. If Christian’s private detective can find me, I’m sure he can find her too.”

  He reaches out and rubs his thumb against the back of my hand. “You know I can’t.”

  Butterflies fight frantically in my stomach. Once he gets in the car, it’s a short drive to the train station, and then he’ll leave. I’ll never see him again. It’s wrong to ask him to abandon his sister but I want to beg him to change his mind anyway. I want to say his sister’s survived this long without him and she’ll manage until we can get her passage to their mother in Denmark but I can’t. No matter how badly I want to, I can’t, so I trudge after him to the vehicle and slide into the middle seat.

  The engine rumbles to life and Christian joins us behind the wheel. We pull away from the hospital in strained silence. I haven’t told Christian why Nik can’t stay longer in the hospital but he accepted it, along with everything else, without question. I know they’re there, swirling around in his head. Unanswered questions torturing him in an endless loop. But he doesn’t ask. Not yet anyway.

  When we pull up to the train station, I dig my nails into my palm so hard I draw blood. Christian hurries to open the door for Nik and my pulse quickens, so much so that it’s painful. I’m not ready for this.

  “I guess this is it,” I say, managing to keep my voice steady as I join the men on the sidewalk.

  “Wait.” Christian looks between us before settling on Nik. “Lina told me how much you’ve done and how much you mean to her. I’d like you to be a part of this.”

  Nik’s forehead creases in confusion.

  Christian inhales, holding the air in, and rubs his hands together before reaching back into the car. “I had an elaborate plan for the garden party, but…” He straightens with a white peony in his hand. The fluffy, delicate flower twirls as he spins it between his fingers. He takes a shaky breath and pushes his hair back.

  I take the flower carefully, smelling the sweet-scented petals. “Christian—”

  He drops to one knee in front of the train station and produces a small box. “Lina,” he starts.

  I step back, bumping into the vehicle. Now? He’s going to propose now? After everything that’s happened and what his mother did, how can he still think this is a good idea? “Christian, wait.” I peek at Nik. He watches me carefully with the same blank face he had when I arrived. “I don’t think this is a good time.”

  “It’s the best time.” A ring glints up at me from the box, sparkling brightly under the noon sun. The diamond is held up by a gold, expertly wrought crown. “I’ve seen my life without you. Now that I have you back, I’m never letting go. Forget all the obstacles; none of them matter. I love you. Will you marry me?”

  His last few words are barely audible over the roaring in my ears. A small crowd of onlookers stop to watch us expectantly, smiling and whispering to each other behind their hands. They seem so sure of my answer. Two months ago I would have said yes before he finished the question. The flower falls from my fingers, landing at my feet. “I need a minute.”

  I bolt down the sidewalk with no idea where I’m going. This city is just as unknown to me as the last so I let my feet move while trying to keep track of landmarks. Hurting Christian is the last thing I want to do but I panicked. His mother, my would-be mother-in-law, hates me so much she would let me be forever lost. There’s disapproval and then there’s malice. I’m not sure I can marry into that no matter how much I love him. Besides, he has no idea what I’ve gone through. What if he finds he can’t stand me anymore?

  I drop down onto a patch of grass at the base of a stone footbridge, the dry grass tickling my legs through my new stockings, and groan. Why couldn’t he just wait a little longer? I was more than ready to marry him before the garden party. He could’ve given me a piece of twine to tie around my finger that day and I would’ve said yes. Our parents didn’t matter then. My mother would’ve come around eventually. We loved each other and would’ve made it work somehow.

  No. We love each other. That’s why I want what’s best for him, even if it’s not me. At a week old, the entire town knew my name—Lina, the baby in the tulips. Now I’ll be known as something different and significantly less attractive. How can I chain him to me when his future is so promising?

  “You’re going to ruin your new dress,” Nik wheezes beside me.

  My heart leaps into my throat. “You shouldn’t be so good at sneaking up on people.”

  I stand, brushing bits of grass from my bottom. I couldn’t walk around wearing bloodstains so Christian bought me a peach stardust skirt and an ivory crepe blouse first thing this morning. It’s a nicer quality than anything I’ve ever owned, including the lace performance gown. It makes me feel even guiltier; I can accept an overpriced dress but not his proposal? Why not the proposal?

  “Sorry. I wasn’t trying to.” Nik leans against the bridge, a sheen of sweat on his face and neck. “I told Christian I’d bring you back. We’ve been walking for about ten minutes so I’m fairly certain he’s having kittens by now.”

  “Ten minutes?” I cringe.

  He shrugs his good shoulder. “I couldn’t call it quits before you did.”

  I cross my arms and study his bandage for signs of blood or pulled stitches but there isn’t any. “I would’ve stopped if I knew you were back there. You’re supposed to be resting.”

  He smiles. “Yes, nurse.”

  “See?” I raise my eyebrows. His lack of concern for the hole in his arm proves my earlier statement. “You don’t know your limits.”

  “Knowing limits and pushing limits are two different things.” His smile shrinks, and he takes a labored breath. “You needed to think. It helped, didn’t it?”

  “Not really.” It feels as if I’m suddenly wired wrong. I don’t fit in here, but how will I fit in at home? “I’m more confused than ever.”

  Nik tentatively reaches out and takes my hand, pulling me into the shade under the bridge. “Let’s sit out of the sun.”

  “I don’t want to ruin the dress,” I say weakly.

  He glares at me and plops down, pulling me with him. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “About the dress?”

  “Canary.” His voice is tired as he leans his head into the wall.

  “I...” I huff. “What was he thinking? Proposing like that? Now, after everything. Doesn’t he think I might need some time to readjust? To get back to normal before throwing myself into more life-altering situations?”

  Nik draws circles on my palm with his middle finger. “You have to remember, he’s looking at things from a different perspective. To him, your relationship hasn’t changed. It was just frozen in time. If anything, it’s made him realize how much he loves you. He doesn’t know everything you’ve been through yet. Right now, he’s only thinking he’s got you back.”

  Pressure builds behind my eyes. That’s my point: he doesn’t know. “Have I changed?”

  His head rolls to the side to look at me. “Remember that day at the bridge? You were looking over your shoulder the entire time like you expected the devil himself to jump from Hell and drag you away.”

  “It seems like forever ago.”

  “It does.” He gives me a wistful smile. “But look at you now. You tried breaking into Augustine’s safe and then dragged me out of bed for an adventure. You took off in a strange city without a second thought, leaving Christian and I standing there like a couple of twits.”

  I groan. “I feel so stupid.”

  “Well,” he chuckles. “Two of the three were rather risky but if I were you, I wouldn’t regret any of them.”

  “Even the safe?” I ask.

  He wrinkles his face. “O
kay, maybe the safe. Chamberlain would’ve hunted us to the ends of the earth.”

  “He did that anyway.”

  Nik’s hand stops circling my palm to rest there instead. After a few moments of dense silence, I knock his leg with my foot. “Is Christian angry?” I ask.

  “I don’t think angry is the right word. He seemed shocked at first, then embarrassed. Hurt, I’m sure.” He hesitates, a painful look on his face. “Lina, why didn’t you just say yes? I can feel how much you love him.”

  “I do, but…” I hold my head with my free hand. I’m not sure if it’s right to want the same things I did before. It feels like if I do, I’m ignoring everything that happened. It’s too confusing. “I’m not sure who I am anymore. I know who I am here, I think. At least I’m starting to, but I don’t know how I’ll fit back into my regular life. And to go back to his family instead of my own? Not only would I have to learn how to be myself, but I would also need to navigate high society. Then there’s his mother. He deserves someone with fewer issues.”

  “He’ll give you space if you ask for it.”

  I lift the corners of my lips. Christian will be more supportive than anyone if I give him the chance. The warmth of Nik’s hand calms me but doesn’t help me sort through the jumbled mess in my head. There’s a thin line between different types of love and ours is growing slimmer every day.

  “It’s not just that though,” I admit.

  There’s a short pause before he speaks. “Nothing’s more painful than loving someone who doesn’t love you back. If you don’t love him the same way anymore, you need to tell him. Don’t drag it out.”

  I look over to find him staring intently at me and heat creeps up my face. “I’m…” I pause, embarrassed by how breathless I sound. “It’s—”

  “Complicated,” Nik finishes for me, the same way I finished the sentence for him when I first got to New York. He shifts until he’s resting on his knees, facing me. His hand reaches out and cups my cheek with his free hand. “I know.”

  It’s hard to sit still, let alone think. I’ve never wanted to be close to him the way I do now, and I want it very much. A wave of energy swoops down, inching me closer. I try to fight it but each second he’s touching me, the force grows. “What do you think I should do?”

  Nik stands and helps me to my feet in front of him. In one step, he presses me against the stone. His face is an inch from mine and his breath hitches. His body is as close as it can be without touching mine. Each place fabric or skin grazes, it sends sparks of electricity through me. I loop my hands carefully around his neck as he stands motionless, his eyes on fire.

  “It’s okay,” I whisper.

  He hesitates before leaning in and touching his lips to mine. His magic swirls around me, seemingly pulling me closer. I lean into him. This kiss isn’t enough—I want to drown in him. I didn’t know I wanted this until now, and I don’t want it to stop. But the tender embrace ends after a few short seconds and he steps back with a glazed look.

  “I’m sorry,” Nik says in a husky voice. “I shouldn’t have done that. I just wanted to see if…”

  My world centers itself. A fog lifts and the complicated things don’t seem so complicated after all. I knew the truth all along but it got muddled up with dozens of other emotions. Beyond a doubt, Nik’s the only person that will understand what happened in New York. I’ll never love anyone else the way I love him and no one will ever be able to replace him—not if I live to be a thousand—but I’m not in love with him. I could be in time, but not yet. Somehow, I know he absorbed every bit of that truth with our kiss in the same way I now want to explore what could be.

  “Nik?”

  “It’s nothing,” he chokes. “Marry him, Lina. Live a happy life.”

  My lips part, my brow low. “I thought you—”

  “I do.” He kisses one corner of my mouth, then the other, lingering. “Trust me, I want you more than I’ve wanted anything. I want to bring you to North Carolina with me and set up a new life. I want to give you everything. But I can’t offer you stability. I can’t promise that you’ll be safe or that the law won’t catch up to me. We both know the cops will find me eventually if Chamberlain has anything to do with it.”

  “I don’t care about that.”

  He leans down to my level, fixing me with his bright green eyes. “You should care. I care. You deserve more than my mess of a life and Christian can give you that.”

  I shake my head. It isn’t fair to Christian to marry him for safety or comfort. That’s exactly the thing everyone thinks I’m after, but I don’t care what his money can buy me. I simply want to be happy.

  “If you don’t want to marry him, don’t, but go home. Go back to your mother.”

  I wince. “It’s not fair to use my mother in this.”

  “Is it fair not to?” he replies gently.

  Nik’s right. I know he is, and yet my heart feels brittle. His magic swells again. It pulls on the sense of comfort my mother gives, even with all the distance between us. Tears blur my vision, and he wipes them away.

  His breath is warm against my ear as he presses something hard into my palm. “This was my mother’s, but I want you to have it.”

  I peer down at the pin. A silver sparrow, wings spread in flight, glares up with tiny emerald eyes. “I can’t take this.”

  “You don’t have a choice.” He folds my fingers over the bird. “It’s not wholly unselfish, you know? I want you to have a piece of me with you so you’ll remember me from time to time.”

  I breathe in his fresh scent, now tinged with medication, and concentrate on how solid he feels. I don’t need a piece of jewelry to remember him. Every time I see a piano or a picnic basket or a bridge, or a dozen other things I don’t realize right yet, I’ll think of him.

  “Sing for me?” he asks quietly.

  I gasp. I don’t want to sing. I never want to sing again. “There’s no music.”

  “There is up here,” he says, tapping his temple with my finger. “Please.”

  “Okay.” I stare at his face a moment longer. One last time. I’ll sing our song once more. I fill my lungs and begin.

  Sometimes my dreams are haunted by a sweet symphony. The darkness takes hold and once again, I wake in agony.

  When we met, our future, how it shone. It now seems so long ago. How could we have known our fates were already sewn? A secret garden in my heart blooms.

  Under the twinkling sky, I feel you beside me. The fantasy hides our bitter doom.

  The fairy tale, my only light. I’ll see you again, my love, when stars are bright.

  The tears fall without warning. This song belongs to him, not Augustine, or anyone else. It’s mine and it’s his, and I’m going to lock it away forever where it can’t hurt me.

  Nik rests his forehead on my shoulder. “Thank you.”

  For countless minutes, we don’t move from each other. I run my fingers through his hair while he taps his fingers against my back as if he were playing a song. If not for the children that run past us screeching, I’m not sure how long we would’ve delayed our return to the train station. To Christian and our goodbye.

  Nik straightens. His face is tight with pain, though I can’t tell if it’s from his wound or from… this. “Come on,” he whispers, and takes my hand.

  The Mercedes hasn’t moved since I walked away, but Christian has. He sits on the ground beside it, his back against a tire, rolling the peony petals over his kneecap. The red spots are back on his cheeks but this time it’s not from anger.

  “Lina?” Nik whispers hesitantly. “Do you know? Not that it matters, but he’s told you what he is, yea?”

  I scowl. “Who?”

  “Christian.” He swallows hard. “I felt his emotions, just to make sure of his intentions, and they buzzed.”

  I fidget, eager to put Christian’s suffering to an end. “Buzzed?”

  “The magically inclined give off a slight hum that’s different from everyone else, but his
is like a beehive. I’ve only felt anything like it once before, and that was when I met a changeling.”

  My breath catches, my mouth parting in surprise. So it’s true then. Mrs. Van Buren has been right all these years. “He doesn’t know,” I say under my breath. He deserves the truth, but my mind goes blank as I try to think of how to tell him. We haven’t talked about magic yet, not even after he told me that he knew.

  Nik seems to sense my trepidation and offers a warm smile. “You don’t have to tell him today, Canary.”

  I nod and let go of Nik’s hand to walk the last few feet alone. There will be time when we get home. “Christian?” I call, feeling both horribly guilty and lighter than I have in a long time.

  “Lina.” He scrambles to his feet, bumping his shoulder on the wheel well. “You came back.”

  “I’m so sorry.” I step closer and carefully pluck the flower from between his fingers. I do still love Christian which is why I need to be fair. The uncertainty about where our future is heading hurts down to my very core, but our relationship will have to wait until I put myself back together. “I didn’t expect that and there are so many things I’m trying to sort through.”

  “No,” he insists. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I should’ve waited until we got home and given you time. And what must you think of my family now? I wasn’t thinking straight.”

  I shake my head, feeling tears roll down my face. “I want to go home before anything is decided.”

  “Of course. Our plane leaves in a few hours.”

  Christian hugs me, his arms sturdy and safe—just like Nik said he would be—and that only makes me cry again.

  “You’ve missed your train,” he says over my head to Nik. “Let me take you back to the hotel. You can have our room tonight, and I’ll arrange for someone to bring you back in the morning.”

  There’s a heavy pause. “I appreciate it, but I think I’ll wait for the evening train.”

  I pull myself from Christian’s arms. “Stay. Rest first.”

  “It’s best to go now,” he says with a sad smile. I stumble toward him, shaking my head, and he takes my hand with his. His voice lowers so only I can hear. “It’s for the best, Canary. Please. I want to get out of this city and put everything behind me.”