To Be Your Wife

by Rae Kennedy

  But there’s an unexpected knock at the door and I open it to a smiling Haley. I’m saved. She rushes me for a hug.

  “I’m sorry he fucked it up,” she whispers.

  I don’t say anything back. Just squeeze her a little tighter and try to keep the tears that are starting to sting my eyes at bay.

  Haley has brought a grocery bag full of junk food which we happily gorge ourselves on while binge-watching Netflix on my laptop.

  It’s late when Gracie walks past my door on the way to her room.

  “Hey,” she says, eyeing our mountain of candy wrappers, soda cans, and chip bags. “What’s going on here?”

  “Girl time,” Haley answers. “Want to join?”

  “Um, yes.” Gracie skips in, finds a space between us on the bed, and helps herself to a handful of Oreos.

  “This is my friend, Haley. Hale, this is my sister, Gracie.”

  “It’s so nice to meet you! Oh, you’re Tuck’s sister, right?”

  “Yeah.” Haley looks at me, biting her lip. We’ve gone all night without mentioning his name.

  “What’s going on?” Gracie asks, eyeing both of us.

  Haley looks at the wall and I take a deep breath.

  “Tuck and I broke up,” I say quietly.

  “What? No! Court, ohmygod.” She hugs me and a sob lodges in my chest. She pulls back. “We need ice cream. Why don’t you guys have ice cream? I’ll go get it. Mom made brownies. Hot fudge brownie sundaes? Yes? I’m on it.” Gracie runs out the door and down the stairs and I wipe tears from my eyes, but I’m smiling.

  “I’m so full,” Gracie says, patting her stomach an hour later.

  Empty bowls are strewn across my bed along with a half-eaten plate of brownies, a spent can of whipped cream and I think I’ll be finding sprinkles in my sheets for the next month.

  “Me, too,” Haley sighs. “But that was amazing. Thanks.”

  “Are you kidding? That’s what sisters are for.” Gracie smiles at me.

  “I always wanted a sister. Damn. I was really hoping we’d be sisters,” Haley says to me. “Hey! Maybe we still can be. You have a single brother, right?”

  “Eric?” Gracie and I look at each other and roll on the bed laughing so hard my tummy hurts.

  * * *

  The last couple weeks of June suck.

  I end up throwing out the pillowcase with Tuck’s face on it—only to immediately regret the decision and fish it back out of the trash.

  I know Gracie told my mom about the break-up. Which means my dad knows. I’m grateful I didn’t have to tell them. And slowly, I can see in my brothers’ eyes they know too. My dad gives me extra kisses on the head and the couple days I oversleep, he doesn’t come to wake me.

  * * *

  July is bonkers.

  After closing on my house—which I’m pretty sure is not haunted—we start work immediately. It takes most of my savings to repair the roof, but as a housewarming gift, Mom and Dad pay for the electrician to re-wire the entire house and my brothers all pitch in to cover the plumbing that needs replaced.

  We start outside, removing bushes, pulling weeds, trimming trees, putting down a new brick walkway, and carving out flower beds around the house.

  My dad, brothers, and even Wes have been helping whenever they can—in the evenings and extra hours on the weekends. Keeping my hands dirty has been an excellent distraction.

  After a couple of weeks, the outside is looking great. I’ll probably need to repaint soon but for now, it’s time to start planning the inside.

  Wes helps me rake out the last of the bags of bark in the flower beds one evening. We share a pitcher of lemonade and reminisce about how we used to spend our summer nights swimming at the lake with friends and sneaking cheap beer to secret bonfires.

  We call it a night when we start to lose light and the faintest glimmer of stars dot the dusty purple sky. Before hopping in his old, blue truck, Wes gives me a hug. It’s the first time we’ve touched in months and I find it’s easy to melt into him. It makes me realize how much I’ve missed his friendship.

  “I hope you know,” he says in my ear, “that I wasn’t happy to hear about the breakup. I’ve always been rooting for you to be happy, even if it was with him.”

  “Thank you.”

  He climbs in his front seat and gives me a wink before shifting it into gear.

  “Hey, I’ll see you at your parents’ party in a couple days, right?” he asks.

  “I’ll be there.”

  Country music plays from his speakers and his cowboy hat rests on his dash. It’s just like when we’d ride around town as teenagers, windows rolled down, going to get burgers and shakes at the drive-in or to sneak away and make love.

  I wave goodbye as he drives away and I wish he was the one. It would be so much simpler if it were Wes. It just isn’t.

  * * *

  It’s easy to see they’re in love.

  My parents dance with exuberant smiles across their faces as the band plays. Dad spins Mom, her skirt twirling around in a blur of blue cotton.

  He’d initially objected to such a big party, but as with most things in my parents’ marriage, he ultimately agreed that my mom would have whatever made her happy. Inviting all their friends and family within a fifty-mile radius to a hoe-down to celebrate their thirty-five-year wedding anniversary was what she wanted.

  As the music quiets, everyone claps, gasping and chuckling. My dad removes his cowboy hat to wipe his brow, still smiling at my mom, his brown eyes twinkling. Swear to god, I can see them twinkle from twenty feet away where I’m sitting at a table nursing a beer.

  “Why aren’t you out there dancin,’ Sunshine?”

  “Hey, Uncle Mick.”

  He sits next to me, placing his hat on the table next to his small plate of cake and a large glass of beer.

  “Don’t feel much like dancing. And no one’s asked me.”

  Wes and I chatted for a bit earlier in the evening but now he’s across the room laughing with a group of guys and he hasn’t glanced in my direction. I don’t know if he’ll ask me to dance. I don’t know if I want him to or not.

  “Where’s that young man of yours? I wanted to congratulate him on his promotion.”

  I blink at him for a second. “How do you know he got a promotion?” I certainly didn’t know about it.

  “Oh, well, that’s why he turned down my offer, isn’t it?”

  I’m so fucking confused right now. “What offer?”

  “Shoot, I guess he did tell me he was keeping it quiet when he first approached me. But I figured he’d have told you about it by now. Anyway, he inquired about coming to work for me here a while ago, I want to say it was end of May?

  “I told him at first I wasn’t looking to hire on a new associate, but after a couple weeks I couldn’t get the idea out of my head. I realized I’m looking to retire in five years or so, and taking someone on who I could teach and groom to take over the practice would be smart. You know folks around here—they’re conservative and like to work with people they have relationships with, people they trust.

  “His credentials are impressive. I even met with his boss—who had nothing but great things to say about him—he’s talented, well-liked, a hard worker, and now the youngest junior partner in their firm. Heck, maybe that meeting spurred the promotion, if his boss thought I was trying to steal him away.” Mick chuckles to himself as he eats a fork-full of cake, the yellow frosting sticking to his lips. “Still surprised he didn’t accept my offer, though. I know he wanted to be closer to you.”

  His words rip a fresh wound in my chest and I’m quiet for a moment.

  “Tuck and I aren’t together anymore.”

  He looks up with wide eyes. “What? Oh, I’m sorry, Sunshine. I wasn’t even thinking, I figured you two were solid, with him proposing and all.”

  “How did you know he was proposing?”

  “Shit. I keep putting my foot in my mouth. I should just shut up.”

&n
bsp; “No, I knew about it.” Kind of. “How did you?”

  “Your dad told me.”

  Now I’m sure my eyes are bugging out of my face.

  “Dad knew?”

  “Well, yeah. He asked both your parents for their blessing.”

  I swallow a lump in my throat. “And they gave it to him?”

  “Wholeheartedly.”

  * * *

  “Do you want to hang out this weekend? Maybe drive up to the city? We can meet up with Nick?” Haley asks over the phone.

  “Yeah, that’d be fun. Maybe we can go dancing?”

  “As long as I have some drinks in me, I’m game.”

  “I’m going to text Nick. I’ll call you right back.”

  Me: Haley and I are coming to visit. Drinks and dancing Saturday night?

  Nick: Um...yes please! You have to come see my place, too. It’s tiny but Gilly will be so happy to see you. Ohmigod I got him a collar with a little bell, it’s the cutest thing. I die.

  I send him a bunch of smiley face emojis.

  I call Haley. “He’s in.”

  “Yay!” Haley practically squeals on the other end. “This will be so fun. I’ll be glad to get out of the house, plus I need a break from apartment hunting.”

  “You’re moving out of your house?”

  “Uh...well, yeah. Tuck sold the house.”

  “What? When?”

  “A couple weeks ago. It’s closing mid-August, so I’ll need a place before school starts.”

  “But he loves his house.”

  “He does, but he’s moving to the city.”

  Haley hasn’t mentioned her name, but she doesn’t have to. I know he’s moving in with her.

  “He doesn’t even like the city. He doesn’t want to live there.” I don’t know why I’m arguing about this, or why I care so much. But knowing he’ll be even farther away hurts.

  “I know, Court. But relationships are about compromise. It makes the most sense. They both work there, she lives there—”

  Bile churns in my gut. I’ve been able to push it out of my mind, but the images are so vivid—Tuck and Ali are together, in a relationship, living together, sharing a bed...

  “Is he happy?” I ask her in a small voice.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring him up. Let’s not talk about him.”

  “Hale, please. I need to know. I think if I know he’s happy—truly happy, maybe I can let him go.”

  Her sigh is heavy through the receiver. “I don’t know how happy he is in the relationship but I do know he’s ecstatic about becoming a father. Court, you’re going to have to let him go either way. They’re having a baby together and getting married—”

  “What?” What the fuck?

  “Oh shit. I wasn’t going to mention that yet.”

  “They’re getting married?”

  “Yes. She wants to be married before the baby comes and he proposed last week.”

  All I can think is no.

  No. No. No.

  It was supposed to be me.

  That was my ring.

  He wanted to marry me.

  CHAPTER 25

  The rest of July I diligently get up early to help my dad and brothers on the ranch. In the afternoon I work on my lesson plans. I have almost the entire first quarter’s lessons completed, and while I know they will probably change and evolve as the school year starts, I am satisfied in this accomplishment.

  Gilbert has no fewer than three social media accounts which I’ve started following diligently. He has thousands of followers and Nick has really upped his dress-up game with new, themed outfits and costumes for every occasion, as well as chronicling Gil’s napping adventures. This might be the highlight of my day.

  In the evenings I work at my house. We’ve moved on to the exciting task of removing wallpaper. It’s a bitch.

  Some of the wallpaper is in good enough condition I decide to keep a couple of walls papered as feature walls, but the rest needs to go. About half the walls in the house need stripping. The work is tedious. Mindless. Unlike the rest of the day, I’m unable to keep my mind from wandering. And it always wanders to him.

  What is he doing right now?

  Are they together?

  Is he smiling?

  Is he happy?

  Is he thinking about me too?

  By the time I get back to my parents’ house and fall into bed every night, I’m exhausted. And every night I hope it is enough to make me sleep.

  But it’s not.

  My sleep is restless. Dreamless.

  * * *

  The banners and posters are hung. The cubbies and art supplies all organized. I step down from the chair and admire my work. Sweat beads down my back. They haven’t turned on the air conditioning in the school even though half the teachers are here prepping their classrooms and temperatures have been in the nineties all of August so far.

  Just two weeks of staff training and then this room will be filled with my very first hoard of second graders.

  It’s almost lunchtime, so I swing by the store to grab some cold drinks and sandwiches before joining the guys at my house.

  “It’s looking so good in here!” I yell as I walk in the spacious, empty living room. It took almost two weeks to get the wallpaper down and now Eric, Charlie, and Wes are helping me prep the walls for paint. The house won’t be livable until I can renovate the kitchen and at least one bathroom, but that’ll have to wait. I’m hoping once work gets underway I’ll be able to start saving money again.

  “Up here!” Charlie calls from somewhere upstairs.

  I walk up to find them in the master bedroom, sanding the walls smooth. They turn when I come in, their shirts soaked with sweat, tanned skin glistening. Eric immediately runs to me, staring at the food and beverages I’ve brought. He’s popped the tab and started chugging a soda before the other two have even crossed the room.

  “Thanks, sis,” Charlie says as he takes a sandwich and a drink.

  Wes is a step behind. He’s not wearing a shirt and I can’t help but notice his lean, chiseled abs. I tell myself to turn away, but manual labor has done his body good. Damn.

  He swipes a red bandana out of his back pocket and dries his forehead with it. I hand him a drink—it’s slippery with condensation and our fingers touch as he takes it from me.

  “Thank you,” he says with a bright smile.

  “We’re almost done here—just a couple more bedrooms to finish,” Eric says with a mouth full of bread and salami.

  “We’d probably be done if you weren’t so slow,” Charlie says to Eric.

  “Slow my ass. I did sixty percent of this room.”

  Charlie rolls his eyes.

  “Fine. You take a room and I’ll take the other. We’ll see who finishes first. I’ll even let you pick.”

  “Ha! I’ll pick the bigger room and I’ll still be done before you,” Charlie says with a bored expression.

  Eric’s cheeks, already flushed with heat, become even redder—almost as red as his hair. “You’re on.”

  They scramble to gather their supplies and dash out the room, Eric snatching another can of soda on his way past me.

  And now I am left here with Wes. A shirtless Wes.

  He unwraps a sandwich and I open a drink for myself. The afternoon sun is bright and beating through the large windows and it feels even warmer in here than a minute ago.

  We eat and drink for several minutes before Wes breaks the silence.

  “So...I was wondering...” He sets his sandwich down and rubs the bandana across the back of his neck. “...if you’d maybe want to go grab something to eat later?”

  I wish he’d put his shirt back on. “Like a date?”

  Please say just as friends, please say just as friends, please—

  “Uh, yeah. Like a date.”

  I let out a heavy breath and my heart picks up speed.

  “Wes...I...I love you. You know that. You are a wonderful friend and a great guy—”
>
  “Okay, okay. I get it.” He turns, apparently looking for something on the floor. Hopefully his shirt.

  “Wait, I just—” Shit. “If I led you on, I’m sorry. What we had in high school was great and I’m so glad I have those memories with you. But I’m not that same girl anymore and I don’t think we are right for each other.”

  He looks at me with downturned, disappointed eyes. His forehead is creased, a curly lock of blond hair fallen across it. It takes him some effort, but he tugs one side of his mouth up in a small smile.

  “Hey, can’t blame a guy for trying. I never want to regret not going after what I want or think I could have done more, you know?”

  I nod and smile but his words stab right through my heart. I didn’t do enough. I didn’t fight for Tuck.

  * * *

  “So will you come with me?”

  “Haley...uh...I don’t know.”

  Haley was encouraged by her photography professor to submit one of her pictures into a competition this summer. Her photograph was selected to be displayed at a gallery in the city with the other finalists and they are having a show and announcing the winners this weekend.

  I want to go and support her but...

  “He won’t be there,” she tells me.

  “Who?” But we both know who.

  “Tuck won’t be there. He can’t make it.”

  “Are you sure?” A night out in the city would be a fun way to spend my last weekend before school starts on Monday.

  “I’m sure.”

  So Friday afternoon I leave the ranch and drive to Haley’s new apartment. I pass the university and make sure to avoid Tuck’s old street. If I knew he was at his house, I’d have avoided it too, but knowing he’s not there anymore is somehow worse.

  I get to Haley’s new place, a tiny one-bedroom apartment on the second floor of an old yellow house that’s been converted into a tri-plex. She’s still unpacking and doesn’t have much furniture, but luckily, it won’t need much to fill it up. She makes us tacos and we sit between boxes, discussing both of our upcoming school years. We talk about where she thinks she might go after graduation and I can tell she wants to find work in the city. I smile, thinking about how I could concoct a reunion—I don’t know where Cade lives, but I know where he works.