Bitter Wars- Ashes

by Kerriann Burns

  It took days for Adonia to make some form of recovery, most days Jenny had to feed her as she was too weak. She tried desperately to walk on her own but would often fall to the floor as her legs could barely support her body, one thing she never accomplished in these days was being able to talk. Fenrir always stood outside her door as Barmic and other help supported her, even though he saved her life he knew she couldn’t bare the sight of him, it broke his heart maybe more so than when he thought she was dead.

  ‘How is she?’ Fenrir asked as Barmic came out of her room again.

  ‘Managed tae walk a few steps today n eat her meals by ‘erself.’

  ‘…Does she talk yet?’

  ‘Naw a peep.’ Fenrir gave a sigh and looked away; he crossed his arms as he leant back against the wall.

  ‘…At least she’s getting better.’

  ‘Aye, those marks on ‘er though are gonnae leave some nasty scars, we’ve done everything we can with the wounds.’

  ‘I just wish I could talk to her.’

  ‘Give ‘er space Fen.’

  ‘Barmic she fucking hates me, I don’t blame her for one second, but I just wish I could take it all back.’

  ‘Whit ye dae is up tae ye Fen, but she’s naw that fierce warrior anymere, if anything…She’s just like how A first found ye.’ That statement hurt more than anything even though he knew it was true, it was going to take a lot to get her out of it, if she ever was going to get out of this state of hatred.

  ‘That’s it Addie.’ Jenny smiled as Adonia took some excruciating steps forward, she leaned on some makeshift crutches already exhausted. She looked up at Jenny with beads of sweat already forming on her brow, Jenny only smiled like a mother urging on their child to take their first steps. She gritted her teeth and tried to take another step before collapsing to the floor, Jenny instantly came to Adonia’s aid and helped her to sit up. ‘You did really good today.’ She smiled, in frustration Adonia threw her crutches away from herself and rubbed her sore legs. As Jenny rubbed her shoulders, she took a nervous glance at the door then gave a sigh. ‘He’s probably outside you know.’ Adonia sneered before reaching for her closest crutch then threw it hard against the door, her way of telling Fenrir to leave her alone.

  The truth was he wasn’t there, at the time he was only walking past but still heard the violent thud. He gave a sigh as he paused at her door then continuing to his own room, as much as it broke him, he still didn’t want to give up. Jenny looked at Adonia nervously as she could still see her anger, after he brought her back, she immediately felt regret for how she treated him, but even this was painful to watch. ‘Addie…’ she said quietly as she held her shoulder again which calmed her a little. ‘He really does care about you, you know? He’s outside that door every day, he always asks how you are and if you’re getting better.’ Adonia still held an angry expression but gave a slow, almost irritated exhale out of her nose.

  ‘Look, I’ll prove it.’ Before she left, she helped to lift Adonia to her bed then quickly exited her room to knock at Fenrir’s door. ‘Fen, Fen I need you a second.’ It was if he was already waiting at the door as it was open in seconds.

  ‘Is she alright?’

  ‘Pissed off but…Do you have any drawings of her?’ he raised his eyebrow. ‘Barmic has keys and I’m nosey alright? But do you have any of her?’ he gave an unsatisfied sigh before going to his desk and looked through his drawings until he found the one he drew so long ago. He looked at it sombrely, it brought back the memories when his thoughts of her were purely innocent and fantasy. It was one of his finer works, the resemblance was so well done it was like looking at a black and white photograph, she had such a gentle smile, such innocent eyes.

  ‘This alright?’ he said coldly as he handed her the drawing, she went to walk away quickly but examined the picture first.

  ‘W-wow, I saw your drawings were good but-.’

  ‘What are you trying to prove?’

  ‘That you actually care, idiot.’ Even if they were back on friendly terms, she was still quick at the minor insults, but Fenrir knew that this was her type of humour. He watched nervously as she went back to Adonia’s room, hoping that this would reach her somehow, even if it just got her speaking again.

  ‘See Addie?’ Jenny said with a smile as she sat on the bed beside Adonia and showed her the image. ‘He drew this, surely that’s got to say something, I mean look how good it is.’ Adonia sneered at first, but even she couldn’t deny the beautiful detail in his work, he had clearly put a lot of heart into it. Her heart fluttered, but no, this was just a trick, she meant nothing to him as she shoved the picture away. Adonia wouldn’t let herself be hurt again, even with this gesture she had to force it out, she had to force herself to continue this hatred of Fenrir. ‘But Addie, he didn’t mean it.’ Adonia shook her head and looked away as she could feel tears welling up in her eyes. Jenny tried to lean over and look at Adonia, it didn’t take long for the tears to stream even as she continued to look away. ‘You don’t need to cry, look do you want to talk to him? I’ll even sit here if you want.’ Adonia then violently shook her head before bursting into tears, she cupped her face in her hands as she convulsed, Jenny held onto her tightly knowing she was to blame, maybe she pushed her too far too fast.

  ‘Jen!’ Barmic called from downstairs, she didn’t want to leave her friend but deep down she knew Adonia needed her space.

  ‘You know the drill alright? Bang three times if you need me.’ Adonia didn’t even respond, she only continued to weep even as Jenny left the room. As Adonia wiped her tears she looked over at the drawing once more, she reached over and held it loosely by the corners. As she could feel herself welling up again, she wanted to screw it up and throw it into the fire, but her arms shook as the tears flowed again, she didn’t have it in her to do it. She only lightly threw it out of her sight on the floor then turned her back to it and continued to cry into her pillow.

  ‘She still naw better?’ Barmic asked as he readied another plate of food for her.

  ‘She’ll need a while before she eats.’ She let out a small burst of an exhale through her puffed up cheeks. ‘I think I pushed her a little bit.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘She hates Fenrir, but at the same time she still likes him, I tried convincing her that he really did care.’

  ‘Ain’t like ye.’

  ‘I get it, I knew I was a bit hard on Fen but, Addie is my friend Barmic, I thought the exact same as she did. But this is just painful, even I can tell all he wants to do is say how sorry he is, but she won’t let him near.’

  ‘Aye, A ken…She still naw talking?’

  ‘No.’ Jenny sighed.

  ‘It’s been a few weeks noo…Divine knows whit they did tae ‘er they must’ve really fucked up that heed of ‘ers.’

  ‘I know…I just hope she’ll come around, being like this is killing her.’

  A bath was run for Adonia in the evening, it took a few painful and laboured steps even with Jenny’s assistance, but she was finally submerged in the water’s caress. It still didn’t feel real, the warmth, the comfort and the safety among friends she still feared the day that she would wake up from this dream and realise she was trapped away. As Jenny gently washed Adonia’s back, Adonia looked at her hands and began to shake as she saw her reflection in the water, she glided her hands against her damaged body and began to weep, she was hideous. Her sash that she held so dearly was gone, replaced by the scars of shackles that kept her bound, her mouth still ached by being constantly sealed away, her body was no longer the feminine shape but protruding bones and fragile skin. Adonia cradled herself, trying to give some form of physical touch of comfort, but nothing came to her.

  ‘It’s alright Addie…We’re here for you.’ She tried to sooth her friend but there was no consoling her. Suddenly there was a slow but gentle knock at the door, Adonia quickly looked over her shoulder but could not give a reply as if the words were stripped from her mouth.

  �
��Adonia…It’s me.’ the voice said as the door crept open, Adonia held herself as she realised it was Fenrir, even though she had a wooden partition and her back to him, she couldn’t help but shake with fear and anger.

  ‘Get out.’ Jenny snapped more nervously than angrily as she confronted him. ‘What do you think you’re doing? Fen you know how she gets when you’re around.’ She hissed trying to keep out of ear shot of Adonia. He just gave a heavy sigh, he’s never been this direct before, maybe finally he had enough, he had to talk to her himself.

  ‘…Please, five minutes is all I ask, that’s all I want then I promise I’ll leave you be for the rest of your life I just want to get some things off my chest.’ He said past Jenny to the hidden Adonia. She stared frustrated before looking behind the partition to her.

  ‘Is that alright with you?’ it took a few minutes, but she gave a slow nod. As she went to leave them, she gave one last snap to Fenrir. ‘For Divines’ sake please don’t do anything that might hurt her.’ He gave a nod of acknowledgement before she left. Fenrir stood with his back to the partition and gave a sigh.

  ‘I understand completely that you don’t want to see me…The things I did to you were…Unforgiveable.’ she remained silent while she continued to clench at her body in a foetal position. ‘…I’d give anything to go back and take back everything I said and did…And just tell you how I truly felt.’ he was met again with silence and acknowledged it as rejection, he gave a slow nod and began to walk away.

  ‘…And what would you have said?’ her voice was delicate and almost silent, like a whisper in the wind, Fenrir looked at the floor and clenched his fists lightly.

  ‘…That nothing could be worse than the thought of living without you.’ She sat there for a moment, taken back by his words, how could she trust him, the things he did to her. Adonia never forgot that night, how could she? She felt disgusted with herself. How she could let a man do such things, yet she loved every second of it and she hated herself for it. The memories of his drawing of her, she still never had the heart to throw it away but kept it hidden in a draw next to her bed. Such thoughts spiralled in her mind, but she had to hear him out, she forced herself to stand from the bath and peeked her head past the partition.

  ‘Do you…Really mean it?’ he looked over his shoulder and gave a gentle nod.

  ‘Every word.’ he stepped forward. ‘I never forgot that night…I never forgot your touch.’

  ‘Then…Why? Why did you say those awful things?’ she pulled herself back behind the partition, hiding the tears that were forming in her eyes.

  ‘I had a nightmare that night we were together…You were tortured and killed because we were together and I couldn’t do a single thing to prevent it…I couldn’t let that happen to you.’ he rested his hand on the partition trying to reach her without touching or even seeing her. ‘I desperately wanted you to hate me so we couldn’t ever be together, but now I realise…Loosing you was one of the hardest things I ever had to face…I thought you were dead, I went to the forest and found a camp and…I thought a woman and child was you and your son…It killed me Adonia…’ he let out a nervous exhale as he leant his forehead against the partition. ‘…Whatever path you take, no matter where it takes you, even if it’s the maw of the abyss…I want to walk by your side, always.’

  Her heart fluttered, somewhere inside she realised she loved him, was it the unbearable loneliness or that even still he never stopped trying to reach her, even through their hardships, he never gave up. His small acts of kindness he never once had to do, but he did for her. He never wanted to hurt her even when they never saw eye to eye, he always tried to protect her even in his misguided albeit cold ways. Adonia nervously walked past the partition but covered herself, ashamed of her scarred body. Fenrir looked down at her and could see her shame, but he gently held her face and brushed her cheek with his thumb. ‘You’ve always been the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.’ Adonia wanted to smile but felt her body take control as she kissed him. He held her close and gently, feeling her delicate body, he knew which parts were tender and caused her pain but remained gentle with her even as he picked her up and sat her on the dresser table. Fenrir gently kissed her forehead, then her check and finally her lips as she slipped her hands underneath his shirt. She could feel the crevices and marks of his own scars, it was if they shared the same skin. Fenrir carefully laid her on the bed, continuing to be careful with every caress. This touch was much different, it was not the heated raw passion from before, but something closer, the pair felt truly connected. He gently kissed her skin, careful of her wounds but she enjoyed his touch as if he was trying to cure her markings with this simple delicate touch.

  Adonia violently awoke from her slumber and quickly looked around. She expected the black stone walls of the dungeons that held her, except it was the comforting warmth of her bedroom.

  ‘Hey, Shh…I’m here.’ she nervously panted as she turned around to see Fenrir next to her, he offered a warm smile and held her close, softly running his hand up and down her arm until she sank her head into his chest where he held her closely.

  ‘I-I thought I was back in the dungeons…’

  ‘It’s a hard feeling to shake off, but don’t worry this is real, you’re safe now.’ she had to touch his skin to reassure herself, she laid her hand on his chest and gripped gently which made Fenrir hold her hand.

  ‘…Was it like this for you?’ she asked nervously which he gave a slow nod of acknowledgement.

  ‘Still is sometimes.’ he gave a soft sigh as Adonia laid closer and he laid his hand on her back, his touch against her marked skin still made her nervous but he just closed his eyes and held her. ‘I thought I lost you forever.’ she looked up at him but clenched at him harder and began to shake then finally cry. ‘Adonia?’ Fenrir leant up slightly and continued to hold her, trying to brush away her hair from her face.

  ‘A-Argonar’s…Dead Fenrir…That was my family…I couldn’t save my own son.’ he shook his head as he mirrored the pain on Adonia’s face onto his own, Fenrir held her tightly, stroking her hair and fragile back. She held on too as she wept into his shoulder, Adonia sank into his embrace, never had Fenrir actually held her as a form of comfort, she clenched onto him tightly as they remained silent for a moment. ‘I…I wanted to end it all.’ she wept keeping her face to his shoulder. ‘I tried…I tried to die…’ she could feel Fenrir holding her tighter. Adonia dug her head harder into his shoulder until Fenrir gently caressed the scarred flesh on her shoulder in his attempt to comfort her. She paused for a moment with this delicate touch and remembered the pain, the pain of having her very skin cut away from her body. But it wasn’t that which made Adonia take pause, but her tattoo, the Phoenix of Alexander and what it represented. An Alexandrian soldier wears it with pride, a mark of his country, his king and what he stood for, Alexander rose up from nothing to smite his enemy, Adonia could no longer weep in despair, it was from this simple moment, this simple touch that Adonia realised that nothing will ever happen if she gives up. She stopped her tears and pulled away from his shoulder slightly and gently wiped at her face.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ he asked as he gently held her face again, it was her eyes that answered his question, he could see them burning with life something he thought was impossible.

  ‘We have to take action, too long we’ve been sitting here waiting for that opportunity, but it will never come if we never take action, they have to be stopped. The people I love might be gone, but I won’t let their deaths be in vain, I’ll right my wrongs for them, for Argonar...’ Adonia slipped form his embrace and tried to stand on her own but quickly fell to her knees, Fenrir quickly knelt to her side and assisted her to stand.

  ‘Slow down hero.’ He smiled. ‘Don’t ever forget we’re all here to help you so you’ll never have to walk alone again.’ she gave a smile at his support, Adonia knew she now had to try harder than ever to regain her strength and grow stronger, just like she did at th
e camp all those years ago.

  With the help of her friends Adonia forced herself to stand, she leaned heavily on her crutches again and forced her way forward. As she took a step forward, she could feel her body losing its strength, Fenrir offered his hand, but she shook her head then threw her crutches to the side and forced herself to walk unaided. They smiled at her progression and watched how she grew in strength and confidence. Since that night Adonia and Fenrir shared a bed, if it wasn’t for their bond it was for Adonia’s comfort. She would often wake up terrified she was locked away and awaited another torture session, but it was Fenrir’s comforting embrace that eased her into the real world. Adonia was given a fresh set of clothes, black trousers that clung to her legs as well as long black boots that stopped just before the knee, a white long sleeved shirt which she often rolled up to her elbows and a sleeveless leather jacket which she wore on top for extra support and warmth.

  Adonia finally gained enough strength to journey downstairs, she smiled as the people came to greet her, she shared a drink with her friends and laughed along with the rest of the patrons, all until a bell tolled in the distance. The scrambling started but Adonia remained at her table with drink in hand.

  ‘Addie! Quick you need to hide!’ Jenny pleaded as she rushed to the hatch but Adonia only continued to sit and drink.

  ‘Dinnae mind ‘er Jen, get doon.’ Barmic hushed nervously as he hurried her to the hatch and watched Adonia’s movements. ‘Addie! Addie whit are ye doin?’ he hissed at her, but she seemed to ignore him until she took one last swig from her drink then walked outside, her sword glistening against her back. She stood out in the middle of the dirt path, waiting for the soldiers to arrive.

  Fenrir stirred from their bed, he reached out and slid his hand against the sheet only to find it empty which immediately made him shoot up, the bell tolls only woke him slightly but the fear that Adonia was not next to him jolted him even more.