Sand dollar

by Hollye Davis

  “Call the doctor,” the nurse shouted. She lost consciousness again.

  Crying, she heard crying. Was that her? No, no she wasn’t crying. She blinked, opening her eyes, blinking trying to focus. It was her aunt, her aunt was crying. She hated the sound of it. She hated it more than anything. She struggled some more to focus. Aunt had her head buried in her bed.

  Cloe asked the first question that came to her, “I’m going to die aren’t I?”

  Aunt jerked up and blinked a few times wiping her tears with her hands. “Oh precious baby, no you aren‘t dying,” she touched her face with unsteady fingers. She looked horrible, like she hadn’t slept in days.

  “You have uclers,” she explained, “they have bleed since you were assaulted at school.”

  Aunt went on to explain. Evidently stress, combined with a kick to her stomach, were an unhealthy combination for someone who has always had stomach troubles. They had given her medicine to help her heal and rest.

  “I’m so sorry Cloe, I should have told you,” her aunt kept crying.

  “Told me what?” She asked confused. Aunt wouldn’t have known she had ulcers.

  “I should have told you about Edwin.” Aunt swallowed looking sick, Cloe still didn’t understand until Aunt said, “I knew. I knew from the first day I met him who he was. He begged me not to tell you. He said that for once he would like to be normal and have a real relationship. I understand what these young stars go through, so I agreed. After things got so serious between you two I begged him to tell you, but he thought you had enough on your plate to deal with at the time. He was supposed to tell you when he got back. He says he was going to tell you tonight but I still could kill him for this.” Aunt waved her hand at the hospital bed.

  Cloe was numb. Not even her stomach hurt for the first time since she could remember. But she was numb. God she really was an idiot.

  Everyone lied to her. It had all been a lie. Her entire life had been a lie. Her love a joke, their relationship a joke, all lies and jokes. She hoped someone found it amusing because she didn’t.

  Cloe lay staring at the ceiling stunned, silent. The only person who told her the truth was Kim.

  “Where’s Kim?”

  “She had to go back to school, you’ve been in unconscious for two days.”

  More shocking news, she had lost two days without ever realizing it. She sorted through everything that was ever said to her. Was it really all a lie? Edwin’s love, her friendship with all of them, was it all because she was a project, amusement? Some weird girl who was so naïve that they could pretend to be whoever they wanted?

  Suddenly the urge to need to know the answers came over her. She looked over to aunt who was wiping her wet eyes with a tissue and asked her where her cell phone was because she would like to call Edwin.

  Aunt said wearily, “Edwin is here.”

  “What?”

  “Edwin is here, he has been here the entire time. The staff set him up a room to stop the press from hounding him. I think the public relations team told the press that Edwin got food poising or something to keep your identity secret.”

  Cloe was shocked once again. She didn’t know what she was shocked more about, that he stayed here the entire time or that he had to lie in order for the press to leave him alone.

  “I would like to talk to him.”

  Aunt looked worried, “Oh, honey do you think that is a good idea? You just woke up and all.”

  “Do I look that hideous?”

  “No honey, you look beautiful, as always.” Cloe hoped she was lying because she didn’t want to look beautiful. She wanted to look as disgusting as she felt.

  “Send him in,” Cloe said with determination. She had to know about the lies.

  Aunt left. It was only a few minutes before Edwin walked slowly in. He looked like hell. She had never seen him look so bad in her entire time of knowing him. His eyes were bloodshot like he had been crying. Guys don’t cry though so it was probably just an illusion – like their relationship.

  He also looked scared, good. He should be.

  He sat down in her aunt’s chair and reached for her hand. She moved it away. He fisted his hand and drew it toward him. The pain she saw in his eyes made her heart break. He put his head down.

  “God Cloe, I….don’t…I can’t…I’m sorry,” he choked out. She looked away tears filling her eyes. She loved him so much but he hurt her worse than any person before. She rather be beaten than suffer this pain.

  He looked up at her and said, “I just wanted to be normal and with you I was normal. Every time I thought to tell you I couldn’t give up our life together. For once someone cared for me and only me. I was selfish, I know. I just didn‘t want the press to taint our relationship.”

  “You selfish bastard!” Cloe yelled, surprising herself, shaking violently. She wished she could throw something. She looked around and found nothing. Damn hospital.

  “I am. I’m that and so much worse. I should’ve never held anything from you,” he said.

  She was crying uncontrollably. Her heart hurt and she couldn’t take it. She had to force out what she was going to say next.

  “Just get out, we are through,” she said through the sobs. Forget the answers. This was too painful. She just wanted him to go away. This was not a good idea.

  “No! NO Cloe! I’ll not give up like that!” He shot up, knocking the chair down. He was angry and desperate sounding, “What we have means that little to you?!”

  “What we have?! What we have!” She yelled incredulously not giving him a chance to answer, “What we have is a big fat lie, an illusion, nothing!” She ranted, “God, the pictures, the pictures of all your women. The nurses said… they said you were dating Victoria! Some beautiful costar I’m sure…and you lay in my arms every single night, except those you are in hers! Your obligations?! What is that? Your girlfriends you have situated all over the world? Your groupies? You..you bastard! You are nothing but a liar and a player. I was just another game to you!”

  “NO!” he yelled back, “NO, there was no one else, NEVER! Victoria is my co-star and on the set we have this love hate relationship but it’s just acting. The media loves twisting things and Victoria is a publicity stunt to get ratings up. Victoria is not even my friend! Those pictures are ridiculous like everything in the media. It’s all lies. You were never a game to me. I love you more than life itself. Tell me to give it all up and I will, for you!” He begged, looking at her pleadingly.

  “So you want me to believe that what we had wasn’t lies, yet you tell her your whole public life is a lie?!” She was hurting but the anger surged up quickly over taking the hurt. “I TOLD YOU EVERYTHING and now I sit here realizing what a stupid little idiot I was. I never ask questions. I bet you LOVED that, a girl who never asked questions. You know why I don’t ask questions? Because my father would beat me when I did! My father’s abuse allowed you to abuse me too!”

  With those words he broke down. He put his head on her legs and started crying. He fisted the sheets and cried. She had never seen a man cry and it made her cry harder.

  “I can’t Edwin. I just can’t. It’s over between us, I’m sorry. When my parents left me in that apartment that night I promised myself I would never try to make people love me. I would rather live alone than be abused and lied to again.”

  Cloe reached and pressed the lever for the nurse and shakily asked that she be left alone. Edwin was forced to leave. As he was walking out he said, “Cloe, please don’t do this. I can’t live without you. I love you. Please forgive me.” The nurse gasped and looked at her. She shook her head. When the door closed she rolled in a ball and cried. When Aunt came in she ran over and sat on her bed. She rubbed her back and said everything was going to be all right. Cloe knew better, how can someone live when your heart left with a man who did nothing but lie to her?

  The cheap spackle that fixed my soul when I moved to California has chipped away leaving even bigger holes. I don’t think I can ever
be repaired again. - Cloe’s Diary

  Chapter 16

  Recovery and Discovery Cloe was released from the hospital the next morning. She walked into the cottage and went to her room where she laid down staring at the ocean until she fell asleep. The next morning she refused to leave her room. Her aunt brought in bouquets of flowers but they made her sick and forced her aunt to remove them. They were from Edwin or Christoph or one of her so-called liar friends.

  Kim came to visit her later that afternoon crawling in the bed to lie next to her. She told Cloe how everyone at school thought she drug overdosed on purpose because Britney was giving her a hard time.

  Cloe groaned. All she needed was Britney thinking Cloe really cared that much about her. At this point she cared nothing and regretted everything.

  Kim sighed and asked, “So all the flowers in the living room? There has to be hundreds of bouquets.”

  “I don’t know and I don’t care.” She rolled over on her side opposite of Kim.

  “I tried to call you on your phone, where is it?”

  “I don’t know and I don’t care.” She did know - it was in her sock drawer turned off after Edwin kept calling. She didn’t have the heart to throw it in the ocean…yet.

  “Cloe, look at me,” Kim ordered. Cloe rolled over and looked at her.

  “You can’t do this, you can’t go away. I know what he did is unforgivable but I need you. I need you to be Cloe,” Kim pleaded.

  “I can’t.” and rolled over again closing her eyes.

  “I was there, you know,” Kim stated “When you arrived at the hospital, your friends showed up almost immediately. I had never seen a group of people so frantic and distraught. They wouldn’t let me near them of course, but I saw Edwin talk to your Aunt. When she told him why you were there, I can’t describe what he looked like but he was so distressed. I want you to know that whatever the reasons they had for not telling you, it wasn’t because they don’t love you, it was obvious they do. In fact, if I didn’t know you were dating Edwin, I would think you were dating Christoph because he was just as emotional. In fact Christoph nearly attacked Edwin, blaming him for your hospitalization.”

  Cloe didn’t answer. She didn’t want to hear any of it. They were distraught because they got caught and that their game was over.

  She pretended to sleep but after a while of pretending she actually did fall asleep. She had no idea when Kim left but when she woke again Kim was blessedly gone.

  After a while, she couldn’t stand to lie around anymore. Rising slowly she slowly got out of bed, amazed at how weak she was, and went to take a bath. She usually showered but she wasn’t sure she could stand that long, besides she was in no rush to go anywhere.

  She sat in the bath watching the reflection of the water dance on the ceiling. She sat there until the water-cooled and she couldn’t stand it anymore. The bath didn’t put her to sleep even though she gave it her best try.

  She toweled herself slowly and walked into her bedroom noticing piles of homework left probably by Kim on her nightstand. Ignoring it, she walked out to the living room to find her aunt sitting on the couch with her head in her hands. She looked horrible. Cloe sat next to her and touched her back tenderly. Her aunt’s sleep deprived eyes searched Cloe’s face.

  “Are you okay honey?”

  “I’m just groovy,” Cloe said mildly sarcastic.

  “I know you don’t want to hear this but Edwin has called about 10 times in the last hour. I don’t know what to tell him. He is so distraught. He says you broke-up with him.” Tears instantly filled Cloe’s eyes nodding her affirmation.

  “I’m sorry honey, so sorry. I feel horrible, I should’ve told you right away…” Cloe held up her hand stopping her aunt from continuing on.

  “It wasn’t up to you tell me Aunt, it was up to him. Please stop apologizing. We are all human and I know that you were only doing what you thought was best.”

  Aunt cried putting her arms around her, “Oh God Cloe, please PLEASE forgive me.”

  “You don’t need my forgiveness, you only did what you thought was best.” Cloe patted her back thinking if it was only that easy to forgive Edwin.

  Later that afternoon, she was feeling better but restless. She looked out the giant glass windows and decided to go for a walk on the beach.

  Once on the soft sand she tried hard not to think about Edwin but it was impossible. Everything reminded her of him. If it weren’t for Aunt she would have left for Texas the day she got out of the hospital. It was cowardly but very tempting. She had her farm, she could make her house livable. She could finish her last semester of high school and get a scholarship somewhere.

  But she could never do that to Aunt who meant so much to her. Aunt would blame herself for the whole thing and Cloe couldn’t allow that to happen. So she stayed at the place that held all these painful memories.

  Despite the constant ache of not having Edwin, the beach brought a peace to her through the salty air and constant rhythm of the waves. She walked slowly searching for another sand dollar to add to her collection. She needed one to know she would be okay.

  As usual she wasn’t paying attention and when a hand reached out to stop her, she screamed. Christoph walked around grabbing hold of her arms she assumed to stop her from falling or running. It was so reminiscent of when they had first met it brought tears to her eyes.

  She quickly brushed them away and said, “Hey Christoph”

  “Hey Cloe.” He dropped his hands and stepped along side of her. “How are you doing?” he asked softly.

  “Oh peachy, and yourself?”

  “Cloe, I’m sor..” he started but she stopped him. If she heard that word one more time she was going to do serious harm.

  “Christoph, there’s no need. There’s no need for you to be here.”

  “Yes there is. There is a definitely a need for me to be here. We all care for you Cloe, you can’t just shut that off.”

  “I sure as hell can try Christoph. Or is that your real name? I never really checked into that…hospital and all,” she eyed him meanly and almost regretted it as his eyes instantly filled with pain.

  “That’s my real name. Edwin is Jason’s real name too. It’s what his close friends call him.”

  She ignored that. “The thing is that I was always honest with ya’ll. I didn’t try to deceive you for some selfish reasons.”

  Christoph put his hand through his hair and said, “Cloe, it’s not like that. It’s not easy being us, you can’t possibly understand. When you came along we were all so jaded. We thought everyone was after something. Then we met you and wow it was like a breath of fresh air. You didn’t have a clue who we were and we could be ourselves with someone normal.”

  “Don’t you get it Christoph, I’m NOT normal and you exploited that. You made friendship dirty to fulfill some need.”

  “Didn’t you use our friendship to fulfill some need Cloe? Isn’t friendship a need to be friends? If I remember correctly you had to be one of the loneliest girls we’d ever seen. You locked yourself out here never going or seeing anything! Didn’t you use us?”

  “Call it what you like, maybe I did use you, but I’m done. I’m through; I have no use for you.”

  He stepped in front of her, his hands in fists, “Yes you do! You need us as much as we need you! Edwin needs you Cloe.”

  She choked a sob out, “No, he doesn’t. He has plenty of replacements.”

  “No you don’t Cloe, don’t you think for one second Edwin isn’t suffering right now. Do you know where he was last night?!”

  “Obviously not,” she answered harshly, her heart squeezing painfully at the thought of him finding solace with another woman…with Victoria.

  “I had to get him from a bar where he got himself so drunk he could hardly walk. Edwin doesn’t drink, ever. His mother was an alcoholic and committed suicide.”

  Cloe gazed off to the ocean, Edwin said they were broken apart together they were whole. She didn’t want t
o hurt anyone.

  “Why are you telling me this?” She asked.

  “Because this is real for him, you are it for him. He has said it a dozen times but I just thought he was over stating his feelings to keep me at bay. But no, he would give up everything just to spend another minute with you. You can’t give up on something like that.”

  Another sob broke through, then another in synch with the waves crashing to the shore. She was crying so hard that Christoph held her as she melted down to her knees.

  “Oh God Cloe, please forgive us. Please give Edwin a chance.”

  “I can’t Christoph…I just can’t. You guys meant everything to me and it was all lies. I hadn’t had friends in so long, I thought I was flawed. I met you guys and you didn’t think I was a loser. But as it turns out I was some weird chick who didn’t recognize you and you thought it was cool. Well it’s over now, so go on and live your own lives. Find someone else who has lived under a rock, if that is possible.” Dislodging herself from his grasp she stood back up. “I get sick just thinking how many times Edwin lied to me about his obligations.”

  She reached behind her neck and removed the necklace that hadn’t been removed since the day Edwin gave it to her. She held it out to Christoph to take but he shook his head.

  “It’ll kill him if I show up with that. I don’t think you understand. Edwin is at his end.”

  Cloe reached over and stuffed it in his shirt pocket, “Do what you like with it but I can’t have it on me or near me. In order for me to get over this I need to make a clean break. I can’t see you anymore Christoph, any of you. Edwin will be fine, he can act his way out this,” She said unfairly, turning and fled.

  She barely made it back to the cottage as the walk and the conversation had taken a toll on her. She was so weak. She crawled into her bed and fell instantly asleep. When she woke again it was dark outside.

  She was awake long enough to take another long bath and went back to bed. She wanted to sleep forever.

  Sometimes I sit and force myself to think about the cold nights of Germany. The loneliness I felt and ache that was my constant companion. I never thought I would compare that pain to any point in my life and it would not win as the worst moments, but now when I think a life without Edwin and the pain he inflicted upon me, Germany seems a mild inconvenience. – Cloe’s Diary