Sand dollar

by Hollye Davis

  Chapter 17

  Desperate feelings She didn’t want to get out of bed mentality but her body screamed she had rested enough, mainly her stomach who clawed at her telling her she had to eat something. She hadn’t eaten anything substantial in a very long time.

  Rising from the bed she padded into the empty kitchen to choke down some raw bread. The only thing her stomach didn’t fight to bring back up.

  Plopping down at the kitchen table breaking off pieces of the bread was when she decided to go and see Bear. She needed to touch and feel something that wasn’t a lie. She put her halfeaten piece of bread on the table, got up and got dressed.

  Cole spotted her as soon as she entered the stable doors. She really didn’t want to see any human but Cole had done nothing wrong, snubbing him would be rude.

  “How are you doing sweetie?”

  “I’m doing better,” she answered honestly. “Good.”

  “How’s Bear?”

  “Oh he’s as fat and happy as any horse that

  doesn’t have to work for his oats.”

  “You know I’ve been sick,” she said

  defensively.

  “I know sweetheart, I was teasing,” he put

  his hand on her shoulder, “I try to ride him to

  keep him fresh for you,”

  “I appreciate that,” she laid her hand on

  his chest, “You’re a good friend Cole.” His eyes

  shined with fondness.

  Dropping her hand, she turned and walked

  over to Bear’s stall, entering it, and sat down

  on the fresh wood shavings. Bear was so beautiful

  with his shiny black hair. Sometimes when the

  light hit his coat just right it would shine

  blue. She had no comprehension of time as she

  stared at her beautiful horse watching the light

  play off his shiny coat.

  “Is she here?” A voice sounded not far from

  the stall. Cloe’s heart stopped. It was Edwin. “No.” Cole said. She scooted up further

  into the corner trying to keep out of sight;

  thankful Cole lied for her.

  “Don’t lie to me, I saw her golf cart,”

  Edwin said harshly.

  “The battery died, she walked back.” Cole

  lied again.

  “Damn. I was hoping,” Edwin said in a low

  voice.

  “She doesn’t want to see you Edwin, why

  don’t you give up?”

  “I’m sure you would like that Cole, that

  way you could take a crack at her then.” “Don’t be crude Edwin or should I say

  Jason. I’m not the one who lied to her.” “Damn it all.” She heard someone sit down. “You look awful, Edwin. Maybe you should

  go home and take a shower.”

  “I don’t care what I look like, I just want

  her back,” Edwin said. She imagined him running

  his hand through his hair as he always did when

  he was upset.

  “Then why didn’t you tell her the truth,

  why did you wait until someone else did the dirty

  deed for you?”

  “Because I was a selfish bastard who wanted

  it all. I wanted to be loved for ME, not some

  stupid character on a show.”

  “She already loved you, that much is

  obvious. Why did you continue on with it?” “Every time I was going to tell her

  something happened. First I had to finish that

  shooting in England, then her grandmother died, I

  never had a chance.”

  “Are you telling her that in all that time

  you guys spent together you never had one

  opportunity to say ‘Hey babe, um you might like

  to know that I am a mega superstar?’”

  “You’re right. You’re so right.” There was

  a long pause, a rustling sound, then Edwin said,

  “If you see her, please tell her I’m sorry. I

  know it’s just stupid words but I don’t know how

  else to tell her.”

  “Yeah, sure man. If it’s any comfort, she

  isn’t doing too well either.”

  “No, it’s not any comfort. I don’t want her

  to suffer. She has had enough in her life. I

  never wanted her to find out this way. I never meant it to go on so long, I was going to tell her, I swear. Just know this Cole, I’ll never

  give up on her. She’s my one and only love.” There was a pause and Cole said softly, “I

  know.”

  Cloe waited until she heard departing

  footsteps to melt down and cry. By the time Cole

  found her she was crying uncontrollably. He

  hefted her up and cradled her tight in his arms,

  “Oh baby, it’s going to be all right. Everything

  is going to be all right.” No, she thought,

  no it would never be all right again.

  After a terribly long loss of composure,

  Cloe disengaged from him.

  “I’m sorry, it’s so hard being away from

  him. I love him so much, but how can I forgive

  such a huge lie?” Cole didn’t answer, how could

  he, how could anyone? She shook the wood chips

  off her clothes, stood, and walked to the

  bathroom preparing herself for the drive home. Looking at the mirror and her terribly

  unattractive red noise, she realized she didn’t

  want to go back to the cottage. The problem was

  the cottage no longer held any appeal since it

  was drenched with memories of him, his friends,

  and a life she thought she had.

  “All lies,” she whispered to her image. One

  last look at her puffy red eyes and she turned

  the handle and walked out of the bathroom, out of

  the stable, and into her golf cart.

  Where to go? She wondered. Finally she

  pressed the gas pedal initiating its motion and

  turned in the direction of the grocery store, the

  opposite direction of the cottage.

  When she opened the door to the grocery store, she was relieved to find a little old lady

  counter instead of fat Earl.

  Cloe walked aimlessly isle to isle looking

  absently at the boxes and cans of food. There

  really wasn’t anything she needed, except to

  waste time. She stopped at the magazine section

  for a moment gazing at the bright display of news

  headlines.

  The one lesson she learned out of this

  whole painful break-up with Edwin is she really

  needed to get a grip and start paying attention

  to what was going on in the current world. A good place to start was right here, right

  now. Unfortunately magazines had never held her

  interest. Articles about waxing eyebrows seemed

  trivial compared to dealing with not having a

  jacket in Germany. But she needed to get over her

  past, she needed to move forward and stop

  shutting off the world around her.

  A brightly colored magazine with

  fluorescent print hiding behind another magazine

  caught her attention. She pulled the front

  magazine up and saw, “Jason McRoy exclusive

  interview” written in bold letters. She slid the

  magazine out further to find a full size picture

  of Edwin on the cover.

  Her heart slammed into her chest and she

  let go of the magazine, dropping it back in its

  slot as if it burned her.

  She rubbed her forehead, what a complete

  and total idiot she had been. The truth was />
  everywhere around her but she had been too selfabsorbed to pay attention.

  Gathering her courage she shakily pulled

  the magazine back out and stared at the cover.

  He was gorgeous, his blue eyes so familiar to her

  made her heart pound. She flipped to the page

  indicated on the cover finding another fullsized-folded poster of Edwin stuck in the

  centerfold. Oh God, he was so beautiful and he

  had been hers. A tear plopped on the page and

  she hurriedly wiped it off not wanting to ruin

  it.

  She was going to turn to the next page when

  someone near her said harshly, “This is not a

  lending library, either buy or get out of here.” She looked up to see the old lady that was

  formally behind the counter standing next her

  with an impressive scowl. Geez where did Uncle

  Earl train his employees? Rude Incorporated?

  Cloe glared back at her and then she walked past

  the old lady to slap the magazine down on the

  counter. She pulled out a few dollars she

  hoarded for emergencies and slapped them down

  too.

  Picking up the magazine, she left the

  grocery store broodingly. Once she plopped back

  down on the golf cart she looked at the magazine

  again not sure what she was going to do with it.

  She didn’t want aunt to find out she bought a

  teen magazine about her boyfriend - it seemed

  desperate. So she stuffed the magazine in the

  back of her pants to rest on the small of her

  back using her shirt to cover it up.

  When she arrived at the cottage she went

  straight to her room locking the door. It seemed

  extreme for such a little magazine but she needed

  to do this on her own.

  She pulled the magazine out and placed it

  on the bed. Edwin was smiling at her and it

  bothered her. It was as if he was looking

  accusingly at her, as if she was the one who

  lied. She flipped open the magazine, touching it

  with only her fingertips as if touching it fully

  would somehow burn her.

  When she made it to his interview, she read

  it out loud: “Jason’s favorite things and what he

  looks for in a girlfriend.” She laughed harshly. She flipped back to the front of the

  magazine to see the date was current. She went

  back to the article and began reading.

  TM : What are some of your favorite things? JM: One of my favorite things is to come home to a well-made home-cooked meal. I know someone who cooks the most delightful meals and to watch her prepare them fills me with contentment like no other. I also love to dance. Someone very special told me that they liked to dance because they didn’t have to think to do it. That it (dancing) could be simple or as complicated as they like. I feel the same way. When I dance all I feel is my partner in my hands and the music, I don’t have to think about work or any of the things that are complicated.

  I have also discovered something new. I have gotten into horseback riding on the beach. It is unlike anything in the world to be on a powerful animal next to the person you love riding as fast as your horse will take you.

  TM: You speak of love, what are some things that you look for in a girlfriend? JM: I look for someone who is real. A person who may not think she is perfect, but she is to me. Who likes to do all the things I already mentioned. A girl who I can lay with at night and read a book without a word spoken between us and it is the most perfect night of my life. Someone I can bury my head into her neck and it feels like coming home.

  TM: You sound like you are in

  love. Do you have a girlfriend?

  JM: I like to keep my private

  life private.

  TM: A lot of magazines speculate that Victoria is your girlfriend. How do you feel about this?

  JM: Victoria is just a co-worker and because the script has us as lovers on our show, people like to think it continues into our personal lives. The truth is that Victoria and I rarely see each other outside the studio. She hangs out with completely different friends.

  The interview continued but Cloe put down the

  magazine suddenly realizing it wasn’t healthy.

  She felt sleazy and disgusted as if she was easedropping on Edwin. It was pathetic. She grabbed

  the magazine and stuffed it between her

  mattresses. Laying back down on her bed she

  stared at the ceiling. Tomorrow was school.

  Like a viral disease I must purge all memories to move forward. There was no need to laze about in self-pity when actions can solve all problems. If only I could purge the pain as well, but I suspect time will take care of that. –Cloe’s Diary

  Chapter 18 Purging Edwin She didn’t sleep at all. When the light finally emerged through a slit in her curtains she rose to take a long hot shower. She slowly got dressed and went out to the kitchen. Aunt was sitting at the glass table.

  “You don’t have to go to school today if you don’t want to. You’ve had a lot to deal with the last couple of weeks”

  The offer to stay home was tempting but one she had to refuse.

  “If I don’t go to school my grades will suffer. I’ll never be able to go to college,” Cloe answered grumpily grabbing a box of cereal. “Your grades are great, I’m sure we can make arrangements with your teachers.”

  Cloe snorted. “You haven’t met my teachers, they don’t like excuses.”

  “Well I am sure you know what you are doing but if you decide that you want to come back home, just give me a call. Do you have your phone on you?”

  She sighed. She didn’t want to carry anything that reminded her of Edwin and the phone did. Aunt was right though, she needed it. She went back to her room and pulled it out of her sock drawer, it still had the sand dollar charm handing from it. She took the charm off and dropped it on her dresser. She would find something to do with that later.

  Aunt watched her worriedly as Cloe packed her lunch. Finally ready to she bent down kissed her aunt on the cheek.

  “Don’t worry so much Aunt, I’ll be fine. I need to do something to get my mind off Edwin, this is the best solution.”

  Aunt nodded and with a squeeze of her hand, Cloe left the kitchen and cottage. When she emerged out on the wooden deck, she was a little surprised to find Cole waiting for her in the front.

  “I’m going to walk to the bus, so just go and pick up Kim,” she announced to him as she walked down the stairs.

  “No,” he said defiantly.

  “Yes.” She glared at him and started walking toward the front gate of the community. He grabbed her arm but she yanked it away.

  “Don’t EVER grab me!” She shouted, turned around and took off running.

  Cole had already caught up to her by the time she got to the front gate but she didn’t let it deter her from walking around his truck and entering the bus. He was not happy. She didn’t care and closed her eyes once she was seated.

  Kim was waiting, stomping her foot impatiently when Cloe stepped off the bus. Oh here we go, Cloe thought, rolling her eyes.

  “Cole was so angry at you this morning, why didn’t you ride with us?”

  “I don’t want anything that Edwin had done for me.”

  “Oh so Cole isn’t your friend?”

  “Edwin paid him to pick me up, I fired him. It’s simple as that. He’s still my friend but at the stables, not in his pick-up.” Cloe stepped around Kim who clearly wasn’t as finished with the conversation as she was.

  She spotted Jeff waiting by the door as usual. Her next firing was to commence and she was determined.

  “Jeff, I appreciate all you have done for me but I won’t need your services anymore. Thank you.”<
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  Cloe marched passed him down the hallway.

  Jeff caught up with her, “Why?”

  “I just don’t Jeff. I don’t need to hide behind anyone and I certainly don’t need anyone my boyfriend paid to keep me safe.”

  “You broke up with him didn’t you?”

  She turned toward him, “That’s really none of your business.”

  “Because that would make sense of the phone calls I received from him,” Jeff said.

  She didn’t answer, turning toward her locker, but Jeff continued anyway, “He said that he was worried about you and that I needed to watch you closely.”

  “Damn, that bastard!” She punched the air as she walked, “How dare he?! He has no say in my life. He doesn’t have any right,” she wanted to hit something but she couldn’t find anything that wouldn’t hurt her worse.

  “Woahhh…I didn’t mean to step in a landmine here. I just said that it made more sense.” Jeff had his hands up in the air and backing off a bit.

  “Doesn’t matter Jeff, you may leave,” she turned toward him again, “I don’t need you and let’s not make a scene about it.”

  Kim had followed them, looking concerned at her as if she had lost her mind. Maybe she had.

  “Are you going to fire me too, Cloe?” Kim asked softly.

  Cloe stopped stunned. “What do you mean?”

  “Well you just fired Cole and Jeff, two very good friends of yours because you broke it off with Edwin. I was just wondering if you were saving me for last. I would like to know ahead of time, you know. So I can interview for a new best friend or something. This seems like corporate America of friendships and all,” she said sarcastically but hurt was intertwined with her statement.

  “Don’t be ridiculous Kim, you didn’t lie to me and I don’t think Edwin hired you to do anything did he?”

  “Whatever Cloe, that’s not the point. The point is that you just dumped two good friends. I am appalled at that.”

  Cloe shook her head. She didn’t have answers. She just knew what she needed to do. Purge Edwin from her life.

  Still shaking her head, she walked into her classroom effectively ending their conversation.

  Cloe spent most of the day playing catch-up barely having time to do anything but take makeup quizzes and classwork. Jeff continued to escort her but she pretended he wasn’t there. Didn’t he get a clue?