A Darker Kind of Love
Page 19
“Dude! That's the chick that lived here! I told you!”
I stared at the window as I processed this information. I was still alive. I was still alive?
“MEL!” I screamed, waiting for her to come to me. “MEL!” She usually wasn’t too far away, seeming to prefer my impassive company than none at all, and sure enough she appeared within less than a minute.
“What? Jesus, you don't talk to me for weeks then you...”
“When were you planning on telling me that I wasn't actually, y'know, dead?” I asked, about ready to see if it was possible to kill a ghost. She looked like she was about to deny all knowledge, but the group were still discussing it.
“So, like, technically it's only like three suicides, not five, cos two of them are still alive.”
“Yeah man, but they tried to kill 'emselves, innit. Still counts as a suicide, right?”
I stared at her indignantly, my eyes wide as I waited for her to explain herself. She shrugged, looking amused.
“So you're in a coma, so what? I don't know why I should have had to tell you anything – you gave me your word, then went back on it.”
“But I'm not dead! What the fuck? Why would you even think that it was okay to lie to me about this?”
“Hey, I didn't even know you were in a stupid coma until I heard one of the neighbours talking about it a few months ago. And you weren't exactly communicating with me so I didn't 'communicate' with you,” she said, managing to somehow make it sound like it was my fault she'd kept quiet.
“But...you saw me land. Surely you would have noticed that I was taken away in an ambulance, not a body bag?”
“You fell four storeys and landed on a car roof, and you looked dead enough to me. I saw you leave your body and when I came down to get you, you were all confused and I didn't pay much attention after that. I mean, you should have died, right?”
“That's just it. I didn't. Mel come on, this isn't working, you know that right? You wanted me, you've had me, and neither of us is happy,” I said firmly. “You have to let me go.”
“No! It's your fault I'm here, so you can stay and keep me company.”
“Oh my god, you took your own life! And not even because you wanted to, but because you wanted to punish me! This isn't fair, and it's time for me to go back and live my life without you.”
“NO!”
“WHY NOT?” I shouted back, furious with her for being so unreasonable.
“Because I love you,” she answered, and I could tell she genuinely believed that she did love me. I sighed, exhaling non-existent air from my ethereal lungs.
“Oh Mel, you don't love me. This...this isn't love. Haven't you ever heard that saying, if you love something set it free, if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't it never was? Now is that time to let me go free.”
“I can't!”
“Why?”
“Because I'm scared to, Hanna. I'm scared to be on my own,” Mel said, looking truly vulnerable and scared. I simmered down, recognising this as a rare and honest moment for her.
“You've got to find your own way. Maybe once you let me go, another 'option' will present itself to you and you won't be trapped here?”
“But what are you gonna do? What if you can't get back in your body? Will you come back here?”
“No. If my body is dead, I'll just find something else to do. Maybe travel the world or something - it's not like there's anywhere I can't go, is there?” I said, hoping she'd latch onto the idea for herself. Instead she gave it one last ditch attempt.
“But this is our home.”
“Ah, honey, it was our home. Now it's just a waiting room for me, a weird limbo between life and death. I want to live, and if it's at all possible that I can...well, then I'm gonna.”
Mel looked so lost right then that I almost felt sorry for her.
Almost.
I gave her a hug, excited and fuelled with a purpose now.
“Goodbye Mel. Good luck.”
Mel pulled away from me and I waited to hear her last words to me...
“Go fuck yourself. I hope you get lost.”
For a second I was stunned silent, but then I burst out laughing. Mel was Mel, right to the end!
Still smiling I went to the front door of the flat, and without so much as a backward glance, I pushed through it. I was still alive, goddammit! All I had to do was get to the hospital and work out how to get back in my body before they switched off the machine.
Easy peasy!
CHAPTER 25
JULIANNE
I couldn't believe they were going to turn the machine off. I couldn't believe that the machine was the only thing keeping her alive, but according to all the doctors that had assessed her, Hanna-banana was nothing more than an empty shell.
The medical staff had spent the last few weeks explaining to us that it was unfair to keep her in this state, that we needed to face up to the fact she was essentially dead already.
Hanna's parents, Mary and Shaun, had battled with the hospital (and their own conscience) about the right thing to do. But with every single brain scan showing zero activity, it was hard to keep up any kind of hope, especially as we'd been promised there probably never would be. Then last week out of the blue, Mary had called me and Fred to say they'd decided to let Hanna go.
So here we all were. Myself, Freddie, Mary and Shaun plus a selection of medical staff. I'd tried searching for Sophie for the umpteenth time, but she was still completely AWOL, as she had been since her parents whisked her out of the hospital back in December. Her Facebook account was still closed and we literally had no idea where she might be or who might know her. But if she was at all interested in Hanna's condition, she knew where she was and how to contact us, so I just had to assume she didn't care.
Freddie took my hand, making me jump.
“Do you want another water?” she asked quietly. I stared at her for a few seconds while my brain processed what she'd asked me, then I shook my head.
“No. Thanks.”
“I was gonna go and get one, but I don't wanna leave you on your own...”
“If you want one I don't mind...I'll be okay if you want to go, I mean, it's only out in the corridor,” I said, trying to smile, but failing.
“Okay, if you're sure?”
Despite this, Freddie remained, holding my hand but staring at a point on the floor. I wondered if it was probably for the best we hadn't managed to get hold of Sophie now. I mean, Fred and I both had each other, as did Hanna's parents, but Sophie would have been watching her die and been alone. Then she would have gone home and been alone, alone with her thoughts and memories. I'm not sure I could cope if I had to do the same with Freddie – watching her waste away on some sterile bed being fed by a tube, before saying goodbye and watching as someone just pulled the plug on her. No, it was probably for the best in the long run.
Mary came through the door, looking pale and gaunt. When Hanna had first been admitted, we'd all been carrying a few more pounds and optimism. Both had fallen away dramatically over the last few months, but especially from her mum. It was almost as heart-breaking to see her parents suffer as it was to see my best friend in her wasted state.
“They...they said you can come through now,” she said, her voice unnaturally high. Despite it being the middle of summer, a deep chill went through my bones and I froze. This was it. This was the end now. We were all going to go into the other room and say goodbye to Hanna and then they were going to let her die. And we were going to watch it? I stared at Mary, struggling to catch a breath as my legs refused to lift me up. How the hell was she coping?
“C'mon babe,” Fred said, holding out her hand to me as she got awkwardly to her feet. She looked confused as if she wasn't quite sure what was happening. My whole body started shivering and my mouth dried up.
“I think I want that glass of water now,” I whispered, remaining seated.
“They're...they're doing it in about five minutes. You've got tim
e, love. Just come in when you're ready.” Mary blew out a short breath then went back into the room where Hanna was.
Freddie left quickly to get me the water while I tried to get my head together. I felt dizzy and anxious and sick.
“No. No. This is wrong. We shouldn't do it, it doesn't feel right,” I muttered to myself just as Fred returned with a plastic cup of freezing water. I gulped it down, feeling it burn and create an ice headache and I squeezed my eyes shut as I waited for it to pass.
“Ju?”
“I wore the wrong clothes. I can't go in there like this, Freddie! I should've worn a dress or something, not jeans and a jumper. It's not a proper goodbye outfit, is it? What was I thinking? Why didn't you stop me?” I ranted, my head spinning as I watched the second hand fly on the clock, tick-tock, pulling the minute hand closer to mark two o clock, tick-tock...
“Ju, Hanna wouldn't care what you were wearing...”
“I CARE!” I burst out, and suddenly I was jumping to my feet, unable to stay sat down. “I can't do it. I can't go in there and watch...this isn't right!”
Freddie stared at me in shock, not knowing what to say to me. She glanced at the clock, tick-tock, and now there was less than three minutes to go.
“You go on in. Say your goodbyes and I'll meet you in the cafe when...” I couldn't finish the sentence, instead I just threw my arms her neck and held her tight for a few seconds. Then I ran out of there as quickly as I could, as if I could escape what was going to happen.
“Do you remember, a couple of years ago when we were all talking about funerals? Me, you, Hanna and Mel?”
Freddie sat down next to me on the grass outside the hospital cafeteria, but I kept my attention on the daisy I'd been holding for the last twenty minutes in my hands.
“Yeah.”
“You remember how Mel said she'd love to see who turned up at her funeral and hear what everyone said about her? And then Han said she would hate to go to her own, cos it would be a place filled with everyone she loved, all of them crying and upset over her, and she'd hate seeing it, knowing she was responsible for all their pain.”
Freddie didn't reply, but her hand came up to her face, possibly wiping away tears. I swallowed hard.
“Do you think that means she won't come...to her funeral, when it's held?” I asked, twirling the little flower that was already wilting in my sweaty, icy fingers.
“I...I don't know,” Fred whispered, her voice cracking.
“Where is she, Freddie? Will she come back, like Mel did?”
It was too much for my girlfriend and she collapsed in tears on my shoulder. I held her close as her body shook, letting my own tears fall down my cheeks.
That was it then. Hanna-banana was gone.
CHAPTER 25
SOPHIE
It was a beautiful day. The sun was hot, the sky was a deep blue, birds were chirping cheerily and on the radio a nineties classic was blasting as a woman declared herself horny-horny-horny.
“How's your new job going, sis?”
I peered through my sunglasses at Leo as he tried to rescue the food Dad had started cremating on the Bar-B-Que.
“Really well. It's so good to be working again and my shift pattern is pretty awesome,” I took a long swig from my bottle of beer, relishing the taste.
“She does four days on, four days off. Wish I could have half a week off every week,” Dad said, following up with a belch that earned him a slap on the arm from Mum. He chuckled, proud of himself nonetheless.
“Well it's still hard work, and they are twelve hour shifts. But,” I added smiling, “It's nice to be out in the sun all day. Being a delivery driver has definite perks.”
“I couldn't do that. Driving round in traffic all day would just stress me out,” Leo said, shaking his head.
“What? You're a Head Chef! You're always stressed out and chucking pans and food and stuff!”
My brother looked at me indignantly as if I'd just accused him of stealing or something. He waved the tongs at me, a playful look on his face.
“That is a fucking lie.”
“Language Leo!”
“Sorry Mum. That, Sophie, is a gross misinterpretation of my profession. Working in a kitchen is actually a very relaxing and therapeutic environment.”
“You liar!” I exclaimed, throwing a bottle lid at him which he swiped away easily, laughing. “You nearly gave Dad a coronary when you saw he'd put the chicken on at the same time as the sausages.”
“Hey, I'm thinking of our health here. None of us want to get food poisoning, do we?”
“Oi, I had it all under control,” Dad interjected. “The heat was distributed differently around the grill.”
“Whatever. I'm going in for another beer and a wee – anyone want anything while I'm inside?” I said, standing up and stretching.
“You can bring the coleslaw out with you darling.”
“Bring me out another beer too, Smurf,” Leo said, using my old nickname from childhood. As I walked away I shouted over my shoulder,
“Sure, after I've spat in it.”
The minute I reached the house I let the smile fall from my face. Walking at a quick pace to the toilet, I just about managed to keep it all together until the door was shut and locked. Then, and only then, did I allow the tears to flow.
It was two fifteen. They'd switched off Hanna's life support fifteen minutes ago.
I felt like I was suffocating, but I had to hide it from everyone. For a start, they'd only just started to relax around me and I was so close to moving out. A couple more weeks and I'd be free to wallow in my own misery as much as I wanted. I just had to endure it for a little while longer. For now, though, I had to just let my tears out in short controlled bursts.
I wasn't sure if they all knew that I knew about Hanna. It was obvious that they did because Dad and Leo had both taken the day off work for this little BBQ. I'd obviously given no indication that I knew, so this was merely their way of keeping close observations on me.
FUCK. Who cared who knew what. Hanna was dead. Because of me.
Each beat of my heart felt like it was pumping poison through my system and I had to crouch low on the floor to regain my sense of composure. I could only afford a few minutes before going back to being the Sophie they wanted, but today was obviously a lot harder to control. I took deep, shaky breaths, trying to stay as quiet as possible. Checking my watch through blurry eyes, I calculated that I'd been in the toilet for nearly three minutes – it was time to recompose myself.
I stood up slowly, leaning against the sink as I ran the cold tap.
How was it possible to still feel this way? Why hadn't time helped? It wasn't like Hanna and I had been together for years - we'd only been together for a few weeks, and yes, they'd been an intense and beautiful and incredibly promising few weeks, but still, short term nonetheless. If anything, it hurt more now than it ever had and didn't show any signs of letting up.
A strangled sob escaped my throat, and I pulled the hand towel over my mouth until I had everything in check. Then I splashed the cold water from the sink over my face.
“Smurf? You okay in there?”
I jumped slightly as my brother knocked on the door, then cleared my throat.
“Yeah I'm fine. I'll be out in a minute.”
“You've been in there a while...” Leo trailed off, sounding concerned. Forcing a laugh I switched back into character.
“Oh my god, what are you? The poo-lice?”
“Ah shit...I'm sorry...”
“Poo-lice, get it?”
“Yeah yeah, I get it. Look, I'm sorry, Mum sent me in...I'll see you outside.”
I flushed the toilet and sprayed the air freshener liberally, just in case Mum decided to check I had actually pooed. After another splash of cold water, I looked at myself in the mirror to make sure I had my 'face' on, then I opened the toilet door and went into the kitchen.
Mum intercepted me as I was making my way back outside with the coles
law and four beers.
“Ooh, I wouldn't use the downstairs loo if I was you. I sprayed but it might smell still,” I said, forcing myself to sound chirpy.
“Oh Sophie, really. I just came in to make sure you remembered the coleslaw,” she said affectionately.
“Yup. Got it right here.”
We went back out to the garden and everything continued as normal.
For them.
Later that night when everyone was asleep, I turned on my phone and went onto my fake Facebook account. I'd created it a few months ago and added Julianne, especially so I could keep track of Hanna's progress. I wasn't sure if Hanna's friends blamed me for what had happened to her – I wouldn't be surprised if they did because I certainly blamed myself. This was why I'd kept my distance from them, although keeping track of Hanna was like an addiction to me and I'd been unable to just cut her out of my thoughts.
Please please please please please...
Ju's status hit me like a sledgehammer.
GOODBYE HANNA-BANANA. WE WILL FOREVER LOVE YOU. MAY YOU REST IN PEACE NOW AND ALWAYS. X
I hugged the pillow to my face. There hadn't been a medical breakthrough, Hanna hadn't managed to fight her way back to life. She was dead. Gone.
I allowed myself to sob for the girl that had stolen my heart and taken it to the grave with her.
CHAPTER 26
FREDDIE
Ju was in a pretty bad way. It helped that she was losing the plot because it gave me something to focus on, something other than my own pain. She hadn't been able to stop crying since we'd left the hospital and was currently almost halfway through a nasty cheap bottle of whiskey, which I had declined. I wasn't into losing my pain in a bottle and knew I needed to keep a clear head to look after my girlfriend for the foreseeable future. Plus there was no amount of booze in the world that could help with how I was feeling right now.
Danny walked over and rested his head on Ju's lap, as if he knew what had happened today and needed consoling too. She absent-mindedly scratched his ears.