Fight for Me

by Corinne Michaels

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Sydney

  I wait, and he stares at me. “Already? We just ... and how ...”

  I wipe away the tear that rests on my cheek. “Not from just now … from the last time. When we were at the pond.”

  “You’re ... months pregnant?”

  Guilt hits me, and I nod. “Four months. Well, closer to five now.”

  “But you’re not even—”

  “Showing?” I finish for him. “I know, but I am starting to show, I have a small bump here.” I move my hand to where it looks like I’m bloated.

  Declan stares and his mouth opens and closes a few times. “That’s … the baby?”

  “Yes.”

  When I asked the doctor a few weeks ago, she said it was very normal not to show until the middle of the second trimester if you’re skinny and have never had a baby before.

  Declan rubs his hand down his face and then blinks a few times. “Were you ever going to tell me?”

  “Of course I was.”

  “When?”

  The anger is clear in his voice. “Today. Tomorrow. I don’t know. I wanted things to be settled for me.”

  “Settled?”

  My lip trembles, and I fight back the fear that builds with each second. I didn’t think things would go this way. I thought, we’d have sex and then he’d push me away. After I was broken and alone, I would tell him and we could part ways.

  But then he held me.

  He loved me.

  He gave me more than I could’ve ever wanted, and I couldn’t hold it in.

  He kissed my stomach, and I thought, right then, I would sob.

  When we were both done and he pulled me close, I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

  We’re going to have a baby, and if we could share what we just had, then maybe we can have more.

  Now, he looks as though I’ve just betrayed him. “Yes, I wanted to have the house sold so that when you rejected us, I had a plan.”

  “So this is why you were moving?”

  I close my eyes and feel the tear break free. “Yes.”

  “And what about me?”

  I open them again to look at him. “What about you? What about you, Dec? You made it abundantly clear that you didn’t want me or a baby. You practically screamed it and mocked your brother. I was right there, I heard it. I stood there, already pregnant and terrified, and listened to you talk about throwing yourself off a cliff. What did you want me to think?”

  He huffs and runs his hands through his hair. “I didn’t know.”

  “No, but then I made comments and said small things to gauge where you were at, and still, you were clear about not wanting a life with me. You were so hard-pressed to tell me over and over how there would never be an us.”

  I feel stupid and ashamed, but I did what I felt was right for me and the baby.

  “And you thought that meant the baby?”

  “I would’ve never held this child from you. Never. I want you to love him or her. I want you to be a part of their life, but you were the one who said you wanted no part of a life like that.”

  “Fucking hell, Sydney, this is our baby! I ... I wouldn’t leave you to raise the child without help.”

  Without help. Two words that I have dreaded hearing from him.

  “Tell me what your version of help is.” Declan says he won’t leave me alone to raise a child, and I believe him, but now I want more. I want it all.

  “I don’t know,” he says, sliding from the bed. Declan throws on a pair of sweatpants and then starts to pace the very small space. “I need a minute.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

  He shakes his head. “What is it you want, since you’ve planned this out?”

  There’s a bitterness to his voice that puts me on edge. Gone is the sweet, caring lover that held me. “I didn’t really plan this. I just knew that I needed to get myself situated.”

  “By moving.”

  “Yes,” I admit. “I wanted to be near my mother and Sierra.”

  “And what was my role?”

  I pull my lip into my mouth and fight back the tears. “I wasn’t sure what you’d want. I know you wouldn’t abandon us or not fulfill your obligations.”

  Declan scoffs. “I would, of course, help financially.”

  He’s angry and he has every right to be, but it stings. I have to remember that I’ve had plenty of time to absorb this and … well, he hasn’t. Not only that, we just had a very special moment.

  I step closer, keeping my voice even. “Yes, I assumed you would. But what about love, Declan? What about being a father? What about spending time with them? Loving him or her? Giving the baby a family?”

  “What the fuck do I know about a family?” he yells and then turns away and releases a deep breath. “I’m ... I’m not the guy you think I am.”

  “And what guy is that?”

  When he turns back to me, I don’t see anger in his eyes, I see fear. He’s absolutely fucking terrified. “The one who can be a father. I don’t know the first thing about what a father does. All I know is anger, fists, and being not good enough.”

  “And what about how you raised your brothers? What about the man who took those fists so another didn’t have to?”

  “That is what you want around a kid? A guy who can take a beating?”

  God, he doesn’t see it. It’s so maddening. “You.” I step to him. “You are a good man. You’re loving, honest, and would do anything for someone you love.”

  “Like leave them? Abandon them? That’s what I did to you,” he tosses back.

  My heart is pounding, but I try to push aside my own feelings so I can focus on him. I’ve had almost five months to come to terms with all of this while he’s only just been dropped into the water with me.

  Still, I want to rail at him, throw something at his head, and knock some damn sense into him.

  This feels like another excuse. Yes, he left me. Yes, he says it was to protect me, but he’s never explained it. There’s a reason and I’m not going anywhere without knowing what it is.

  “Why did you leave me all those years ago?”

  “What?”

  “Why did you walk away? What was it that night that made you go?”

  I put my armor over my heart and refuse to let anything penetrate it. Not until I have the truth.

  “You know why.”

  I push back. “Tell me again.”

  “Because I didn’t fucking love you!”

  “Liar.”

  “Don’t call me a liar.”

  “Don’t lie to me!” I yell back. “You didn’t love me? Bullshit! If you didn’t, then it would’ve meant nothing when you saw me a few months ago. You wouldn’t have sought me out at the pond. You wouldn’t have tried to make things okay between us. And ...” My breathing is coming in short bursts as the emotions tangle and crash inside me. “You wouldn’t have told people you love me! I know you love me, you chicken shit! I know it in my goddamn bones.”

  “It doesn’t change anything!” His hands are shaking as he reaches toward me, only to pull them back at the last second. “It doesn’t matter that I loved you then or now, I had to leave. I had no choice. I did what was best for all of us. None of us know if I have more of my father in me than we want to believe.”

  “You won’t hurt me.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “I do. Why did you leave?” I push him again.

  This might be the only chance I have. Right now, he’s not thinking and the walls he so carefully constructed can’t hold it for too much longer. I need to tear them down and get to the heart of it.

  “I told you why.”

  “The truth, Declan.”

  He shakes his head and tries to move back, but there’s nowhere to go. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “I think it does. I think something happened, and you and your brothers decided to leave. I think it had to do with your dad, and whatever it was, it
was so bad that you felt you couldn’t tell me, so you walked away instead. Am I right?”

  His eyes meet mine with his jaw clenched tight. “Syd.”

  “There’s something you’re not telling me, and I’m not letting this go. What happened with your brothers? What are you protecting them from?”

  The only thing that would ever cause Declan to walk away had to be something with his brothers. How I couldn’t see it sooner is beyond me, but now that I do, it’s crystal clear.

  Declan steps forward, hands still trembling.

  I move to him, knowing he’s battling with wanting to tell me, but there’s a deep-seated need to protect those he loves.

  “Choose me, Declan,” I beg softly. “Choose us and just tell me what made you walk away eight years ago.”

  “Let this go.”

  “Why did you leave me? Why did you give up everything? Why didn’t you choose me then?”

  “Fucking hell, Sydney! I can’t do this!”

  I can see the agony, but I can’t back down. As much as I want to, I can’t. So, I step closer to him until there’s almost no space between us. “Why? Why did you let me go? Why did you lie to me? Why?”

  “Because my father killed someone and we were all there!” His breathing is labored, and I take a step back.

  “What?” I clutch my stomach, feeling like I might be sick.

  “That’s why I left you. My father took Sean’s car and drove drunk. He ran two people off the road, killing them instantly. We were there. The four of us saw it, watched in fucking horror as they flipped and he drove off.”

  I shake my head in denial. “You’re not making sense.”

  Declan lets out a half laugh and then pinches the bridge of his nose. “We were there, Bean. We watched him kill those people and then drive off, but it gets so much worse.”

  The way his voice breaks at the end causes my chest to ache. I sit on the bed, the fight leaving my body as I brace myself for a different kind of answer.

  “Tell me.”

  He leans against the counter, looking worn and tired. “We confronted my father, demanding that he turn himself in, but he laughed and said he would tell the cops he was home all night and that it was one of us. Syd, he was driving Sean’s car, but we couldn’t be sure if anyone actually saw our dad behind the wheel. We didn’t have a choice. We had nothing and he had all the cards.”

  “Declan—”

  “No, let me finish. You want to know all of it? Well, here it is. The people in that car, they were Ellie’s parents.”

  I gasp, and my hand flies to my mouth. “No.”

  “Yes. My father killed Ellie’s parents. So, you ask why I left you? That’s why. My father was a murderer, my brother’s car was the one that it could’ve all been tied back to, and I loved you so fucking much that I knew the only way to keep you free from all of it was to walk away.”

  I can see the tremors raking through his body, but for the first time since I met Declan Arrowood, I don’t know what to do.

  I’ve seen him at his breaking point, but this is past that.

  I’m afraid for Declan.

  Of what this has done to him.

  All these years, he’s held this inside himself and pushed away people he thought he loved, and he’s done it all because of sins that weren’t his own.

  My heart breaks for him.

  And then I think of Ellie and how impossible this must’ve been for her. The night she showed up at my house, broken and inconsolable, saying things that I didn’t understand at the time but make so much sense now. Still, she forgave Connor.

  Hell, she just married him.

  I look to Declan, wondering why he’s still punishing himself. “You didn’t kill those people. Sean, Jacob, and Connor didn’t either. Your father did, and you spent eight years of your life protecting your brothers. You don’t have to do that any longer.” The words come out softly, as though I’m dealing with a small, wounded child, which is what he partially is. “You don’t have to save me anymore, Dec. I’m right here. I’m fine.”

  “Because I didn’t come back for you. Don’t you see? If I had, then what would we be?”

  “Together.” I breathe the word.

  He shakes his head. “No, this doesn’t change things. Now you know exactly what this family is capable of. Ellie may have forgiven Connor and the rest of us, but I haven’t.”

  And there lies the heart of the issue. Nothing has changed. We are still here, even with our entire lives altered. We’re having a baby, he’s told me everything, and he still won’t give himself the chance to be happy.

  He will always be the baby’s father. I will always care for him and hope that they can have a relationship, but it’s where my heart has to break free. For the sake of our child.

  I get to my feet, removing his shirt and reaching for my dress, slipping it back on. I can’t stay here another minute. I need some time to think, process, and get a grip on all that’s happened.

  “Where are you going?” Declan asks from behind me.

  “Home.”

  “So you push me to talk and then you leave? What about everything I said?”

  “I heard it all, and I am so sorry that you’ve suffered. I would’ve been there for you eight years ago, but I understand that you did what you thought was best. However, now I have to do the same. I need to think, as do you. There are a lot of decisions to be made for the both of us and we’re both far too emotional to do it now. You need to get it through your thick skull that we’re having a baby, I’m not breakable, and I don’t need you to protect me, I need you to choose me.” I look to the bed where I felt whole again in his arms. “You made love to me. You showed me, made me feel every ounce of your love. It was so beautiful that I cried. There is no way you can tell me that wasn’t real or that you don’t want me. But if you can’t, then … that’s on you.”

  He rubs his teeth over his lips and then sighs. “I won’t deny that I love you. Everything was supposed to be different tonight! Goddamn it, Sydney! I … I had let you in and now I find out this. I can’t do it all in one night. I can’t give you back what you want and wrap my mind around being a father.”

  “I know that you love me, and you say you can’t be what I want you to be, but all I’ve ever wanted is you—the good, the bad, and the broken parts of you. But, Declan”—I step toward him, feeling naked and exposed as tears fall down my cheeks—“we are having a baby. One who needs to be loved with your whole heart, even if you can’t find the courage to do that for me.”

  He gets to his feet, moving toward me, but I step back. Tears are his kryptonite in general, but my tears ... they destroy him.

  “I don’t know what you want—or, I do, but there’s no way I can erase the past.”

  I move toward him and settle my open palm over his racing heart. “I’m not asking you to, but you have to make a choice. Your past is muddy and filled with pain, but you have something in the future. A beautiful possibility and a woman who, despite everything, still loves you with her whole heart. In two days, I have an ultrasound appointment in Conyngham. I’ll text you the details. I hope you’ll be there to see our baby and choose the future.”

  I lean up and press my lips to his as he stands ramrod straight. My hand is on the doorknob when his voice fills the space around us.

  “You talk about letting go of the past, but you’re running too. You’re selling the farm and moving away even knowing that you’re pregnant. You kept this from me, and now what am I supposed to do?”

  My fingers squeeze tight around the cool metal in my hand, and I draw in a fortifying breath. When I turn to look at him, I hold myself strong and say the only two words I can think of. “Chase me.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Declan

  “Where the hell have you been?” Connor asks as I come to a stop in the doorway of the barn, debating if I can even walk back into the reception.

  “Lost.”

  “Lost?” His head tilts to the
side as though I’m an idiot—and I am.

  I’m a total fucking idiot.

  I knew better than to ask her to dance. The minute I touched her skin, I was gone. It was hard enough to walk away from her after we danced at the concert, but tonight ... it was impossible. I have fought against going to her so many times, and I just couldn’t do it anymore.

  Now, I’ve really gone and fucked it up.

  “I was with Sydney.”

  “I figured. We all knew it was coming.”

  I look at my youngest brother and feel a thread of anger. “Did you know?”

  “Know what?”

  “Know about Sydney ...”

  Connor’s brows furrow, and he looks at me from side to side. “Did you hit your head? You said you were lost, maybe you’re coming down with something?”

  I step closer to him, my voice low and tense. “Tell me if you knew and you’ve been hiding it from me.”

  Connor releases a heavy sigh and takes a step back. “As much as I love kicking your ass, today is my wedding day, and my wife probably won’t appreciate it. I don’t know what the hell is going on with you and Sydney, but she came running in here, kissed Ellie and me, said she was sorry but she wasn’t feeling well, and then she left. I came out here to see where you were because I figured you fucked up something, but I find you rambling and ready to rip someone’s head off. What the hell happened?”

  It’s none of his business, and it’s clear he doesn’t know about the baby. I have no idea if Ellie, Devney, or anyone else does, but I can’t say the words right now.

  She kept it from me for so long. Months of her planning to run away and, what? Pretend? Did she think I wouldn’t figure it out? The small bump she has now is only going to grow, and I still have a little over two months here.

  “Nothing.”

  Connor grabs my arm as I try to move around him. “No, Dec, I’m sorry, it’s not nothing. You have always been the adult, but I’m your brother, not your son. My wedding present from you can be the big fat check you wrote and also you telling me what has you both running away again.”