by Matt Haig
I looked round the room and I looked for clues of Mr Fairviews money which is the only reason Uncle Alan likes him but there were no expensive things. I looked at Mr Fairviews brown trousers and his white shirt which I didnt think you could buy anywhere in town and Mr Fairview said Do you follow the good shepherd Philip?
I said Whos the good shepherd?
Mr Fairview said The great comforter Philip. The great consoler. He who knows and shares our suffering.
I still didnt know the answer so Mr Fairview said The Lord Jesus Christ.
I said Oh.
Mr Fairview said The good shepherd who gave his life for his sheep.
Mr Fairviews face changed into a sheeps face for a second and he said Baaa Baaa and I closed my eyes hard and opened them again and he was back to normal and he said to the stairs Lambkin your friends here.
And this time Leah heard because she said Coming.
Mr Fairview looked at the ceiling as if there were words written on it that only he could see and he read the invisible words and said Jesus said no man comes unto the Father but by me.
And Leah started coming down the stairs in a horse gallop like she was a Knight rescuing me.
Mr Fairview kept looking up and said I am the light of the world he that follows me shall not walk in darkness but shall have the light of Baaa Baaa.
Then all the crosses started to smoke and fire in my mind like the cross that Emperor Constantine saw in the sky before he won a War and made the world go Christian.
Then Leah came into the room and made everything back to normal and she said Dad were going to go upstairs and do some homework now OK?
Her voice was softer and sadder than I had ever heard it and I thought it was funny because Leah pretends to be a hard girl but she is a soft girl really and she even lets her Dad call her Lambkin.
And Mr Fairview said looking into my eyes not the ceiling Yes yes dont let me stop you.
Then he said Better is a poor and wise child than an old and foolish king.
We went upstairs to Leahs bedroom which had posters up and wasnt like the rest of the house. I didnt know where Danes bedroom was.
Leah said Sorry about my dad.
I said Hes nice.
She closed the door and closed the smell of God and said He didnt used to be like this.
I said Didnt he used to believe in God?
She said Not like he does now. Not when Mum was still here.
And I didnt say anything because I didnt think she wanted to talk about it but she kept on talking anyway.
She said Mum died of Cancer she was ill for ages really ill and when she died Dad got drunk all the time and thought me and Dane couldnt tell he used to walk into things and thought we didnt notice but one day he just stopped drinking and got God instead.
I said Does he make you go to church?
She said He used to. Until Dane got picked on at school about it. He doesnt make us go now. He lets us do what we want really.
I said Dane got picked on?
She said When he was in Year Nine yeah but after a bit he got into fights with anyone who said he was a Bible Basher and they stopped calling him that.
I said Oh.
She said I hate God.
I said What?
She said I hate God.
I said Why?
She said Because he says you cant do things like you cant steal. But he steals. He steals people. He stole Dad and he let Mum die and he saw her in pain and he saw her praying and he didnt do anything. God just looks down at people asking him for help and he doesnt do anything because he knows if they are hurt theyll want to believe in him more and you wouldnt like a person like that so why like him just because hes God?
I said Your dad likes him.
She said He wants to think Mums in Heaven.
I said Do you think that?
She said Sometimes. Do you think your dad is in Heaven?
I said No not yet.
She said What do you mean?
I said Ive got to do something first.
She said What do you mean? Like say prayers or something?
The words were itchy behind my mouth and I wanted to let them out and I wanted to tell her. But I knew she might talk me out of it and I couldnt let Dad have the Terrors for ever so I said Something like that.
She stopped the questions and jumped off her bed and said Wait there.
She came back ten seconds later and she had a cigarette in her hands and I said Where you get that?
She said Its Danes.
Then she held out a clear blue cigarette lighter and she said We can smoke it out the window.
I said We cant.
She said Why? Who says? God?
I said Your dad might find us.
She said So? He wouldnt even notice.
And I wondered if you die when you are 11 and you smoke but Leah was already pulling the window up and the cigarette was in her mouth not lit up and the wind was cold outside cold cold COLD so I kept my coat on and Leah put her coat on with the fur round the hood. She put the hood up so she looked like a kind of animal like something that climbs trees.
And she put the top half of her out of the window and lit the cigarette and from the coldness she said Come on.
So I put the top half of me out of the window as well with my knees on her bed and we looked out at Newark and the church lit up in the dark with its point like a dagger coming out of the Earth from inside.
I looked at the Man in the Moon with his sad face looking down and Leah said Your go.
She gave me the cigarette and I pinched it between my fingers and she laughed and she said Youre funny.
I sucked the brown end and sucked the lava smoke and it tasted of lorries and gardens mixed up. It burnt inside me and it made lots of coughs but when I stopped coughing I sucked it again so Leah didnt think I was a baby. I kept the coughs locked in my mouth and gave the cigarette back and looked at town again and the lights like gold eyes.
Leah said Do you like Newark?
I said I dont know.
I wanted to say more but I was feeling sick.
Leah said When Im old Im going to live in New Zealand where my aunt lives. She lives by the sea.
My skin itched and my smelly tongue itched and the sickness climbed up pushing burps and I said The sea.
And Leah said Dads not took us on holiday since Mum died. The last one we did was Rhodes.
My itchy tongue said I went to Rhodes I went to Rhodes I went with Dad.
Leah looked at me and said Youre a ghost.
I said What?
Leah said Your face is like white.
I said Im not a ghost.
Leah said You going to be sick?
I said No.
Leah said You sure?
I said Yes.
I looked away from the smoke and in the sky I saw white lines flying to me and they stopped and then it was Dads Ghost floating in the air.
He said It is too much Philip. Its too much. Philip the Terrors are too much. You have to help me Philip. You have to help me.
I threw up sweet white sick out of the window and I said with sick strings on my mouth Sorry Im sorry.
She dropped the cigarette a falling red star and said Its OK Ill get some water or something.
The Dog Noises
I woke up in the night and I heard a noise like a dog crying. I lay in bed in the dark and I wondered what the noises were. I listened and there was the bubble of the fish tank and the dog noises coming out of the wall. When I listened hard they sounded like Mum but weird like she was crying backwards.
I looked round the room and Dads Ghost wasnt there and I got out of bed and I looked out of the curtain and Dad wasnt by the Bottle Banks so maybe he was in the Terrors. And I walked past the fish tank and I waited behind my door and I thought What if its Uncle Alan killing Mum like he killed Dad?
I went out of my door and on the landing and the noise was louder and it was Mum. And I looked for a weapon
but there was nothing and I went on the carpet and it was very dark and the patterns were moving and my heart was beat beatbeat and I was VERY SCARED.
Mums door was open only a tiny bit and I moved past her door so I could see in through the crack. And on the floor was her bra and the label which said Fortin and through the crack I saw the mirror on the dressing table and all Mums tubs and tans and pots like a city with lots of Skyscrapers. And in the mirror I saw Mum and a man and the man was Uncle Alan and it took me two seconds to work out what it was. In the first second I thought it was Uncle Alan fighting Mum but in the second second I knew he was having sex with her.
They had no clothes on and the light by the bed was on and the shadows were like giant monsters on the wall behind the mirror. They couldnt see me because I was in the dark and Mums eyes were closed and Uncle Alans head was the back of his head. And they had no clothes on and Mum was biting her mouth like she didnt want to make the noises but she was. And one of her hands and her shiny nails were in his back which was fat and her other one was under his big dirty hand and I saw his red bum wobble and her brown legs round him like a hug but with legs not arms. And Mums blonde hair was all out on the bed like she was underwater and that is when I saw Dads Ghost standing over them and watching.
I dont know if he had just flickered on or if hed been there all the time because I was just looking at the bed and not hearing anything just the noises and he was standing there and glowing like a glow worm.
He saw me and said Dont hate her Philip. Dont hate your Mum Philip. She cant see the rotten Cancer she is letting into this place. Its unnatural but she is too weak. He could kill her. He could kill you. It is up to you Philip. It is up to you to Revenge my murder and stop him before he gets any
Dads Ghost stopped because Mum started making bigger noises saying Oh Oh Oh.
Dads Ghost closed his eyes and then said Kill him Philip. Hes a snake. If you ever loved me youll kill him. Because every sound I hear in this room is killing me over and over. Its Hell Philip. Im in Hell.
I thought this was weird because he was acting like it was worse than the Terrors and I thought nothing was worse than the Terrors.
I didnt say anything. I just stood there and Dads Ghost flickered out and I stood there watching Mums mouth get wider and wider and wider and his big hands were grabbing her and then I think Mum opened her eyes just a little bit and I think she could see me but she didnt say anything just Oh Oh Oh.
I stepped back into the dark and back to my room and there was nothing in my head but IF YOU EVER LOVED ME and the dog noises.
When I got into bed I read Mums book that I had kept under the bed since before Hadrians Wall and the book was Murder Most Foul by Horatio Wilson. It is a book of true murders and people who might have been killed.
I stayed awake all night and I read it to see how I was going to kill Uncle Alan. I looked in it and there were lots of stories about different people. There was one about Marvin Gaye and I stopped because Marvin Gaye was Dads favourite singer. Marvin Gaye had a fight with his dad and then Marvin Gayes dad killed him with a gun and he wasnt a rapper so he died straight away.
There were pictures of dead bodies and there was a bit about people who might have died of murder and might not have like Napoleon Bonaparte who was French and might have died of POISON or might have died of Cancer in the stomach like Grandad. There was a man called Edgar Allan Poe like Poo who told stories about ghosts and he might be a ghost but everyone thought he had just got too drunk. And there was Marilyn Monroe who Mum watched about on TV and Princess Diana who Mum liked as well and a man called Christopher Marlowe who no one knows why he died he might have been a spy.
And the last story in the book was about a woman called LANA TURNER who was a film star in Hollywood ages and ages and ages ago and she won an Oscar which is the top prize and she was beaten up on that night by a gangster man she had sex with. Her child called Cheryl Crane killed the man for REVENGE. And I knew what Cheryl Crane would do to Uncle Alan she would kill him right now. She wouldnt wait and shes a girl!
Spiderman 2
In the morning I sat on the toilet. I had been and wiped but I didnt leave the seat. I just sat and watched the dust in the light make a universe with moving stars and planets and gold suns. I sat and stared into Space for I dont know how long not knowing what to do and then after some minutes my dads ghost came through the locked door. He looked at me for a while and didnt say anything. After a bit he said To be or not to be thats the question Philip.
I said What do you mean? and Uncle Alans heavy feet went by the door.
Dads Ghost said You must put an end to this son. There must be an end.
And I said But
But that is all I said because he flickered out. I just sat there a bit more still not flushing the chain and I was smelling my smell and thinking about what Dads Ghost said and what Dads Ghost meant and I knew he wanted me to kill Uncle Alan very soon and not wait until Dads Birthday.
I tried to think what I should do and I thought what other people would do and not just Cheryl Crane. This is when I thought of where I had seen someone who had to kill someone to get Revenge for their dad and that is when I thought of Spiderman.
Spiderman kills the Green Goblin who is Norman Osborn who is the Dad of Harry Osborn. Harry wants to kill Spiderman and get Revenge. But Spiderman is really Peter Parker and Peter Parker is Harrys best friend. In Spiderman 2 Harry finds out that Peter Parker is Spiderman. He doesnt know what to do but then he sees his dads ghost in a mirror telling him to Kill Spider-man. Then Harry smashes the mirror and he finds the Green Goblin costume and everything and in the Spiderman comics Harry becomes the second Green Goblin and plans to get his Revenge.
But Spiderman is a bit different to my problem. I dont have special powers like the Green Goblin and also Harry is cross with Peter Parker not just because of his dad but because of Mary Jane. Mary Jane is very pretty and she was Harrys girlfriend. But then Peter Parker made her his girlfriend and Harry said he was OK but he wasnt really because he still fancied Mary Jane.
And this is different to me and Uncle Alan because Uncle Alan hasnt pinched Leah he has pinched my mum. I dont fancy my mum even though she is pretty because if you fancy your mum it is DISGUSTING!
I got off the toilet and I flushed the chain and washed my hands and went back out and in the hallway I saw Uncle Alan and he made me jump out of myself and back in. And he was pretending to leave the Spare Bedroom but I had just heard his big feet leave Mums bedroom and Mum was nowhere still in bed.
He said Morning Philip.
He had his dressing gown open and on his T Shirt was the Cross of Saint George and it said ENGLAND GLORY.
I said nothing.
He said Morning Uncle Alan like that was what he wanted me to say but I didnt say anything.
I just went past him and his big hand went on my shoulder and the hand froze my body.
He said Youre going to be a good lad arent you Philip? Youre going to be a good lad and make sure you make your mum happy?
In an invisible ice cube out of my mouth I said Yes.
He said Good.
The Hungry School
I looked at the butter. It had bits in because Uncle Alan left bits everywhere. He didnt wipe his knife and Mum used to mind it when Dad left bits in the butter or in the jam but she didnt mind Uncle Alans bits. I kept making eyes to the bits when Mum was looking at me but she didnt say anything.
He scraped his toast and the noise went all through me like a rough hairbrush and he said with a mouth of wet toast Arent we lucky Philip?
My eyebrows said Why?
Uncle Alan said Most men have to have breakfast with a badgers behind every morning and weve got this fine oil painting to look at.
I said Mums not a painting.
Uncle Alans toast was all mushy in his mouth in 1000 bits and he said Its a figure of speech Philip. A figure of speech.
He slurped his tea and I felt sick thinking about t
he toast and the tea in his mouth at the same time and Mum said If Im a painting Im one of those Picassio wotsits.
And she laughed.
Uncle Alan said One of those eye on the cheek jobbies.
And he laughed too.
Rain slapped on the window like it didnt like the joke and Mum said Oh Philip you cant walk round to school in this.
I said I can.
And Uncle Alan said Why dont I take him on my way round to the Garage?
And I had 75 answers in my head and answer one was Because you are a murderer who wants to kill me like you killed my dad and I dont know how to kill you yet.
Mum said What a good idea!
I said Its all right Ive got a hood.
The rain whooshed against the window and Uncle Alan said No ILL take you youll drown out there lad.
His eyes had mouth locks in them so I couldnt speak.
He finished his toast and he finished his tea and he went to get his blue overalls and Mum looked at me and smiled and in a whisper she said Thanks.
I said What for?
She said For making an effort with Alan.
I said Hes Uncle Alan.
She said Its very good of you Philip. Youre being very strong.
I said I want to walk to school.
She said Now come on. Its far too miserable. Right do you want to give me a hand putting all this in the dishwasher?
I looked at Mums neck and Mums face and I said Why are you so brown?
She said What do you mean Philip?
I said Your face. Your neck. Your arms.
She said Its only a bit of St Tropez.
I said Is it for him?
She said No. No its not you cheeky thing. Its for me.
I said Why? And why does he leave that there?
I pointed to his fishing rod leaning against the fridge.
She said Youre just one big question mark sometimes Philip honestly.
I said Do you love him?
In a whisper voice she wanted me to catch she said Philip.
I said Hes going to stay here now for ever isnt he?
She said Philip stop it.