The Dead Fathers Club

by Matt Haig

  My face burnt hot like if Jordan said the truth my head would catch fire but Jordan said No Miss. I was just thinking about Guy Fawkes Miss. About you know what happened to him Miss.

  Mrs Fell looked at me with sorry eyes and the eyes made me smaller like I was one inch tall and then she said He was made to speak to King James the First about why he wanted to kill him. And then he was tortured to make him give the names of the other men.

  Jordan Harper said What kind of torture?

  Mrs Fell said The rack.

  Jordan Harper said Whats that?

  Mrs Fell said It was a machine that pulled peoples arms and legs in opposite ways so the arms were pulled one way and the legs were pulled the other way. It was very painful.

  Jordan Harper said Cool.

  Mrs Fell said No. Not cool Jordan. Not cool at all. It was a very horrible and cruel form of punishment.

  Jordan Harper said Did it kill him?

  Mrs Fell said No. He was hung drawn and quartered along with the other men. They hung him and then cut him into quarters.

  The bell went and everyone went and Mrs Fell said Are you all right Philip?

  I said Yes.

  She said Are you sure?

  I said Yes.

  Then I went outside for break.

  The gold leaves of the playground came towards me whispering things like warnings and I went out and there were faces all faces everywhere Year Sevens and Year Eights but no one who wanted to talk to me now Leah my force field was gone.

  I looked for Ross and Gary but I couldnt see them. It was like they were invisible. But I didnt care not having friends because friends stop you thinking in a straight line and I need to think in a straight line that stops when Uncle Alan stops. It was cold and the air was spitting rain so I went to the shelter near the Science Block but halfway I got grabbed on my back and it was Jordan Harper and Dominic Weekly and Jordan said Get his legs! Get his legs! Get him on the floor!

  Dominic put out his leg behind mine and pushed me over it in a Judo way and they were laughing and there were faces watching.

  They dragged me over the wet leaves over the concrete scraping my jacket and Jordan Harper was saying Post him!

  I was kicking my legs trying to get their hands off my ankles and there were no Teachers nowhere just Year Sevens and Year Eights and the black post in the shelter was getting near and the lines of faces on both sides of me were faces of giants.

  Dominic and Jordan got me to the post and my jacket was up in my shoulders and my shirt was coming up. My bare back was scraping the ground and the wet grit was getting in and Agh! the post pushed in my balls and squashed them like fruit and they kept pulling my legs pushing the sicky pain like a punch up inside me.

  I heard a voice over the laughing that crashed on top of me and it was a girls voice.

  Get off him!

  Get off him!

  It was Leah and they couldnt have seen it was her because Dominic pushed her back with his elbow. That made me mad and kick my legs but this put the post more into me not just my balls but the bone now like they were going to break me in two and if I was Guy Fawkes Id have given all the names now and told on everyone.

  Then Dominic let go of my left leg and I looked to see Dane and he pushed Dominic onto the floor and then he turned to Jordan and he had his fists up and said Come on hard man!

  Jordan looked at Danes big square 16 year old fists and Jordan was scared and he dropped my other leg and my balls popped back out of me and I was on the floor coughing the pain out and the people were all going and Dominic lifted himself up and ran away.

  Leah walked over to me but Dane grabbed her arm and he pulled her away and I coughed her name but she couldnt hear it and they walked away with Leahs straight hair blowing to me in the spitting wind.

  The Bath Bomb

  When I got home my back was still stinging but I was trying not to think about it. I left Mum and Uncle Alan and all the others setting up the fire and I got the box of METALLIC SODIUM out of its Hiding Place. I went to the bathroom and I locked the door and I put the box on the floor and I went to the bath and I looked at the shampoos and the bubble baths and there was a box that said Lush! Bath Bomb and I thought that was weird and I got the bottle that said

  EVANESCENTS BATH SALTS

  These were Uncle Alans Bath Salts that he always put in the water for his bad back and I opened the lid and I poured all the Salts down the sink and ran the tap until they were all gone.

  Then I sat on the toilet on the seat. I opened the box of METALLIC SODIUM and all the little bits looked nearly the same as the Bath Salts so I poured them into the bottle until it was the same level where the Bath Salts were. Then I screwed up the top of the bottle and put it where it was by the bath and then I went out of the bathroom and put the box of METALLIC SODIUM back in the Hiding Place.

  I went into my room and looked at the marks on my back from the Posting. I felt some of the marks with my fingers but some of them I couldnt reach with my hand.

  I got changed into my jeans and my sweatshirt and I put my scarf on and I put my coat on and I went downstairs and out into the car park. There was a Bonfire and all tables outside where Carla and Renuka were serving drinks and I saw Uncle Alans hand rub Mums back when they were standing in front of the fire and I saw the Guy Fawkes on the fire with his body melting and his head melting like Gertie and the Guppies.

  Mum turned and saw me like she had a sixth sense.

  She said Sweetheart there you are. I wondered where youd got to.

  I said I was just changing.

  She said You were a long time.

  I lifted up my shoulders.

  She said You missed the fire being lit.

  Uncle Alan said Just in time for the fireworks. Were setting them off at half six.

  I thought in my head that Uncle Alan was going to turn himself into a big firework the next time he had a bath. A big tomato firework splatting all over the walls when the bath explodes KERPOW!!!!!!

  I said Oh.

  Mum said Theyll be good.

  The big tomato said They better be bloody good the amount they cost.

  I watched his face glowing orange. His big fat face smiling at Guy Fawkes being eaten by the flames and I wondered if he will haunt me when he is a ghost and if he will try and get his Revenge and escape from the Terrors but I thought there is no one who loves him like I loved Dad. And Mum wont see him because she cant see Dads Ghost.

  A man came over and it was a man in a tracksuit and it was Sleepy Eye Terry.

  He said All right Alan.

  Uncle Alan said Ready for kick off.

  Sleepy Eye Terry said What?

  Uncle Alan said Well start lighting them at half six.

  Sleepy Eye Terry looked at Mum and smiled like he was nervous and I knew why he was nervous. It was because he Smashed the Pub and because he tried to strangle me and then he saw me and jumped like I was a ghost.

  He said Hey up.

  I didnt say anything I just walked away and I walked behind the tables and Renuka was pouring out drinks from a big bowl with a big funny spoon and she said to me Do you want some punch Philip? Theres a soft one.

  I said No.

  She said Isnt the fire fantastic?

  She smiled a big smile in her small triangle face like she had never seen a fire before like it was three million years ago and I said Yes.

  She said Its a great idea isnt it? Having a Bonfire out in the car park.

  She was speaking like she was changing my nappy.

  I said I dont know.

  And then Les Miserable came in his navy blue leather jacket and he asked Renuka a question in his deep down voice without moving his mouth so I went back through the people over to Mum.

  Halfway there I heard a voice behind me and it said Oi Stink Bomb.

  And I turned round and it was him. It was Sleepy Eye Terry and it was me who jumped now.

  The Umbrella Made of Stars

  I looked for M
um and Sleepy Eye Terry said Its all right. Im not a vampire. I dont bite.

  I thought No but you squeeze necks like toothpaste.

  I looked back at Renuka and she was pouring Les some punch and not looking at me.

  Sleepy Eye Terry said I just wanted to say sorry for the other night in the park.

  I said Oh.

  He said Its just it was a bad night.

  I said Oh.

  I looked at him and he looked really sorry but that just meant he was a good actor and a good liar not a good person.

  He said The Stink Bomb just pushed me over. It took blooming hours to get it out the carpet. But I flipped out. Im sorry.

  And then he didnt squeeze me like toothpaste. He just walked away with his hands in his tracksuit pockets and I went over to Mum and she said Philip whats the matter with you tonight?

  I said Nothing.

  She said Why were you so rude to Terry?

  I said Dont know.

  She said He seems like a nice man.

  Uncle Alan laughed and said Hes getting better.

  Mum made a face that meant What do you mean? in face language.

  Uncle Alan said He goes to classes.

  Mum said Classes?

  Uncle Alan laughed and said Bit of a temper on him. Beat up his wifes car with a baseball bat when she left him.

  Baseball bat baseball bat went over in my head like an alarm and I knew it was 100 per cent him who smashed the Pub.

  Mum said What and you work with him? And go fishing?

  Uncle Alan said Hes a good bloke really. He does voluntary stuff. St Johns Ambulance.

  Uncle Alan was lying to make Mum like Terry.

  Hes not in St Johns Ambulance because they came to school and he wasnt with them and even if he was in St Johns Ambulance it didnt mean anything. He still tried to squeeze the life out of me.

  Uncle Alan went and got Sleepy Eye Terry and they started doing the fireworks. I stayed with Mum and she had her arm round me. The fireworks were all near the Bottle Banks and I looked for Dad but he was in the Terrors and I thought of all the Dead Fathers watching us and I wondered if you liked fireworks when you were a ghost.

  The first firework was a Catherine Wheel that went round and round making a weird noise. Then Uncle Alan bent down and lit another firework and it didnt go off and he went back to it and I was saying BLOW UP BLOW UP in my head.

  Mum said Be careful.

  Uncle Alan stood up and ran and squinted his eyes because his back hurt and the firework went in the air and burst and made an umbrella made of stars in the sky. Everyone clapped apart from the people holding cups who went Whoo. Another firework went off which was the same but went higher up. I looked and watched the yellowy white lines of dots fade and go into the nothing night and there were five more fireworks a pink one a one that didnt go off a one like a big dandelion a one that was just a bang and a green swirly sizzly one that screamed like an animal that was hurt.

  And Big Vic said in his big voice Is that it?

  And Les Miserable said in his quiet and mumbly voice into his punch Cheapskate.

  And some people clapped a little bit and Mum clapped a lot and then everyone started going into the Pub. Uncle Alan and Sleepy Eye Terry moved the tables and Alan said Oof my back.

  That made me think he was going to have a bath tonight. But he didnt.

  The Furies

  Romans used to think when you died you went to the Underworld. You went over the River Styx on a ferry and went to a happy place called Hades. But you could only go if you had been buried properly because if you werent buried properly with no coin in your mouth the ferryman called Charon wouldnt let you cross the river. So your dead body would just stay on the river till dogs came to eat it up. There were nasty angels called Furies who watched all the dead bodies and they laughed and liked seeing all the blood because most of the people who werent buried had died bad deaths. Some had been CRUCIFIED and some had got their heads chopped off or their throats cut and some like the Christians had been chomped by lions but the Furies liked seeing all the blood because they thought the bodies deserved it and it made them feel happy for being angels not humans because angels are better than humans and ghosts and they dont feel pain.

  Time Machine

  I woke up and it was still dark. There was a sound of a train far away and it was like the world was doing a sigh. Sometimes when you wake up you are in a different time like you have gone in a time machine and the time I was in was before Dad died.

  Everything was normal and Dad was in bed with Mum in the next room sleeping with his arm flopped over her and I was thinking about going to see Derby with him on Saturday. It was going to be good and my thinking was getting faster and less sleepy and pushing me through time until I was in this morning.

  Then I knew Dad wasnt in the next room and he was not taking me to the Football and when I remembered a heavy feeling came into my brain.

  In the future there will probably be scales that can weigh how heavy memories are and it will be like when Mum and Renuka went to Weightwatchers. People or special doctors at Brainwatchers will say This memory is very heavy you need to lose weight in your brain.

  Then they will tell you to exercise your brain in the right way to make it lighter.

  My brain was so heavy this morning I didnt think I would be able to get it off the pillow without shaking out some of the pictures in my head of Dad. Like the picture of him when he flicked water on me and Mum when he was in the swimming pool in Rhodes and we were dry on the sunbeds.

  Or the heavier picture of him when it was Christmas Day and the Pub was closed and he was wearing his orange paper crown and he cried at Titanic and said Im not crying dont be daft Im not crying but he was.

  Or when we went to see Derby and we had to hide our scarves because we were sitting with all the Away fans.

  Or the heaviest picture of all which was when we went to Sconce Hills in the snow and his face was red and cold but his hands were warm in his woolly pattern gloves and I was still little enough not to be scared of holding his hand and he was dragging the sledge.

  He was looking down at me and his words made clouds in the air and snowflakes turned into rain on his nose and his words said Come on Ill race you to the top.

  And he let go of my hand and ran up the hill and even though he was pulling the sledge I didnt catch him. But then he slowed down at the top and let me run past. And when I ran past him he said like on the TV And Philip Noble in lane seven comes straight from behind and takes his place in the History books with a new World Record.

  And then when we were at the top we both crunched onto the snow on our backs and laughed clouds up to the sky and I sat on my elbows and looked at him lying in the snow and felt the most happy ever but then I cant remember anything else because the picture is snow and melts in my brain.

  The Real Uncle Alan

  I heard water running like a waterfall. It was the bath. It was Uncle Alan having his bath.

  Then my brain went click like Lego and I remembered his exploding Bath Salts and I wondered if it would explode the whole Pub or just in the bathroom. I thought it would just be in the bathroom because the walls were thick and the bath was thin and Uncle Alan was soft.

  And I just stayed lying in bed holding my breath and trying to stop me from stopping Uncle Alan getting in the bath.

  The water was still running and there was a voice coming out of the bathroom and it wasnt Alan it was just saying Alan.

  Alan.

  Alan.

  Alan.

  Alan.

  Alaaaan!

  I thought Oh no but then I thought Its OK because Mum doesnt have a bad back and then I heard Alan in Mums bedroom and he said What?

  And Mum said Shall I put your Bath Salts in?

  And it wasnt Mums bath. She was running Uncle Alans bath for him like he was a King and she was a Slave and I thought Oh no because she was about to blow herself up.

  Uncle Alan said If youd be s
o kind.

  I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom and tried to open the door but it wouldnt open and I banged on it and Uncle Alan said behind me What the hell?

  I said Mum.

  Mum!

  Mum!

  Mum!

  Mum!

  Mum!

  I kept trying the handle and banging on the wood with my hand and then I banged with my feet and they were bare feet but I didnt feel them hurt.

  I said Mum dont use the Salts! Dont use the Salts! Dont put them in the water!

  Mum turned off the tap and she said through the door Philip?

  I said Open the door Mum open the

  She was standing there with the green towel on her like a dress with her bare shoulders and her bare legs. She was holding the Bath Salts with the top screwed on and I grabbed them out of her hand and she said Philip? What on Earth are you doing?

  After I grabbed the Bath Salts that werent Bath Salts I held them onto my chest like I was holding a Rugby ball and I heard Mums voice chasing me.

  Philip?

  Philip?

  Philip?

  Philip?

  Philip?

  And I was in my pyjamas and in my bare feet and I ran down the stairs and down the hall past the office. I opened the back door and I ran out into the car park with my feet hurting on the little bits of stones that were on the ground and I went right over to the Bottle Banks and put them in the Green Bottle Bank. I ran quickly away because the glass smashed and there was water and wine inside the Bottle Bank and I thought it would explode like in a film with a big fireball and a black smoke cloud but it didnt it just started making pings and smashes.

  Ping!

  Smash!

  Ping!

  Smash!

  Ping!

  Smash!

  Ping!

  Smash!

  And it was weird like all the glass for Recycling had made some mad glass creature alive inside the Bottle Bank that wanted to escape but couldnt break through the metal. After a bit the creature called the Glassman gave up and there were no more noises out of the Bottle Bank.