The Energies of Love

by Donna Eden

  Navigate through emotional intensity without escalating.

  Change how you respond to triggers that had evoked anger, hurt, or resentment.

  Trace emotional challenges to formative attachment experiences.

  Heal emotional wounds that emerged from those experiences.

  Transform the patterns that grew out of those wounds.

  Complete any other “unfinished business,” including “baggage” from earlier relationships or from an earlier time in your current relationship.

  Establish a strong mental vision of how you want yourself or your relationship to change and rewire your brain to support that vision.

  Extraordinary promises? Yes! We discuss limitations and caveats shortly, but we can say that over the course of our long careers, energy psychology is the most powerful single tool we’ve found for helping couples change unwanted patterns in their interactions. We invite you to set aside your probable disbelief if you’ve never seen it in action and give it a try.

  Important Guidelines and Responsibilities to Review before You Begin

  Energy psychology is a simple but powerful tool. Like any powerful tool, it should be used with care and a consciousness about its limitations as well as its strengths. We will be showing you how to apply it on a self-administered, self-help basis. At the time of this writing, more than half a million people have participated in each of the last four annual online World Tapping Summits, and over two million people have downloaded a manual that provides the basics of using energy psychology on a self-help basis. These are unprecedented numbers for any self-help approach. People are finding that it works for them. Studies of clinical outcomes when administered by psychotherapists have uncovered virtually no reports of harm being caused by the protocol,8 though no research has, to date, investigated its safety as a self-help technique. Thus the following cautions.

  Learning a method like this from a book has all the limitations of any one-way teaching process. Beyond that, mastering the basics of energy psychology won’t make you a therapist if you aren’t already one. The human psyche is the most complex terrain in the known universe, and it can be delicate. From our workshops, however, and from seeing the work of others who teach energy methods, we believe that virtually anyone can use energy psychology in ways that will benefit them. Just as deep breathing can relax your cardiovascular system, tapping on selected acupoints can reduce dysfunction, anger, jealousy, anxiety, fear, and other unwanted emotions. This is a straightforward mechanical process. You bring a problematic emotional response to mind and then you create an internal energetic context that is not compatible with that emotional response. After showing you how to do the mechanics, we will guide you in applying it in ways that are designed to benefit your relationship.

  How far you can take this depends on a variety of factors. First of all, there are some circumstances where you should proceed only with a well-trained, licensed psychotherapist or marriage counselor. If you have a history of severe trauma in your background, a serious mental health condition, or if your relationship is deeply troubled, if it involves emotional or physical abuse, drugs, alcohol, gambling, or other serious addictions, or if it is on the brink of separation, your needs are beyond the scope of an unguided application of the techniques presented in this and the following chapter. The chapters may inspire you to use acupoint tapping, but you should not use it except with professional guidance.

  If the above cautions do not apply and you are using the approach taught here on a self-help basis, your success with the methods will depend in part on your motivation. The chapters in this section teach you a skill that requires practice and application. You can read about them and acquire a good deal of information without applying them, but for the benefits listed above, you need to dig in and give it a try. When you do, you will almost certainly find the tools empowering, but you may also run into some obstacles. The first is that we all have blind spots, particularly in areas where old learnings and unprocessed experiences are interfering with our current responses and understanding. You may simply not be able to navigate your way through this territory in a manner that brings you to the healings and empowerment that is nonetheless available. If you get stuck in your own self-help efforts, asking your partner for assistance may bring in another set of eyes, ears, perspective, and understanding that helps you get to the other side. But it may require someone with professional training or at least someone who is not intimately involved in the situation.

  Counselors who use energy psychology can be found in virtually any major city.9 Some are licensed mental health professionals. Some operate as life coaches, as peak performance consultants, or with similar designations. Many athletes and entertainers, for instance, find energy psychology extraordinarily useful in enhancing their performance. Business and community leaders find that it provides invaluable tools for building on their strengths and overcoming their foibles. The line between being able to benefit from self-help methods and needing professional assistance can be blurry and deserves careful and responsible examination.10

  In addition to the circumstances mentioned earlier, brain health is another consideration. Particularly for people who have suffered brain injuries, severe emotional trauma, exposure to toxic substances, abuse of alcohol or drugs, ongoing sleep deprivation, or chronic poor nutrition, the impact on your brain may be limiting your relationship. Fortunately, much can be done to overcome these limitations. In his book The Brain in Love, psychiatrist Daniel Amen provides information on how to identify deficiencies in specific brain areas and how to address those deficiencies with mental or physical exercises, diet, nutritional supplements, or medication when necessary.11

  We also want you to be aware that tapping on an issue can increase the intensity of your emotions and distress about it before it reduces them. This is not what usually happens, nor is the tapping itself actually increasing the distress. Rather, as the tapping begins to reduce your distress, it may open a way for you to more fully engage the situation emotionally, and repressed feelings may flood in. New layers may also emerge, such as memories of similar situations from your past that were never fully resolved. Continuing with the protocol presented here will usually get you through these seeming setbacks, but if you are feeling overwhelmed, go directly to the instructions in “If the Program Becomes Unsettling” at the end of this chapter. You can return to the issue later alone or with the support of your partner, another person with a facility in using energy psychology techniques, or a psychotherapist. When an issue gets worse before it gets better, the good news is that you are on to something significant and have the possibility of moving blocked energies out of you. This is freeing not just psychologically but physically as well.

  One more important caveat. Please don’t use the tools offered here as a weapon against your partner! If your partner is angry or otherwise upset with you, that is not the time to say, “Just tap it away, dear!” It is a time to listen. If listening and responding from your heart doesn’t resolve the issues, then it is time to apply your Pact (Chapter 3). Acupoint tapping may be one of the tools you use to center yourself and bring balance to your own energies (Part 2 of the Pact), but it is not a method for either partner to try to impose on the other. The line between suggest and impose can, however, be deceptively thin.

  The “Basic Recipe”: A Simple, Effective Energy Psychology Protocol

  We must admit that for all the reasons just discussed, we were reluctant to present these methods here. We could have simply advised you to take a class together in Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), Thought Field Therapy (TFT), Tapas Acupressure Technique (TAT), Be Set Free Fast (BSFF), or one of the other popular forms of energy psychology. Such classes are increasingly available in local communities and regularly taught at seminar retreat centers such as Esalen Institute, the Omega Institute, and Kripalu. Reports from individuals who have used the procedures safely and effectively on a self-he
lp basis have, however, been accumulating. We have heard them not only from our colleagues and students. Thousands of case reports describing positive outcomes have been posted on websites, blogs, and other electronic media.12 While still anecdotal, the positive results being described have given us confidence that—after offering the above precautions and the additional guidelines you will find at the end of this chapter—we can offer the method to you responsibly and with optimism.

  The best way to learn the techniques of energy psychology from a book is to experiment with them on yourself.13 Again, as with any powerful tool, there are some skills to master and some inherent dangers. While tapping itself is as safe a self-help intervention as exists, opening yourself to past wounds or traumatic memories can evoke unpleasant emotions that may be challenging, particularly for people who are going through a highly stressful time or are already emotionally unstable. Thus the above words of caution that if you are concerned that using these methods on a self-help basis may be too unsettling for you, please discuss them first with someone whose perspective you trust—friend, spouse, family member, therapist, spiritual counselor. If you are dealing with the aftermath of severe trauma or a diagnosable psychiatric condition, please use these techniques only in consultation with a qualified mental health professional. You can also simply read or skip these chapters for now, go on to Part 3, and decide at a later point whether and how to experiment with the guided instructions.

  But if you are ready and interested in learning an important skill that can serve you and your relationship for the rest of your lives, take the time to use the following instructions as a tutorial. They will teach you a skill that can be of enormous value in bringing the energies of love into full bloom. Begin by going through these steps individually, even if you are working with your partner. The text will tell you when to start working together.

  PREVIEW: A BARE-BONES •ENERGY PSYCHOLOGY PROTOCOL—THE “BASIC RECIPE”•

  Preliminaries

  Select a memory or problem, rate your distress from zero to ten, center yourself with energy balancing, and formulate an Acceptance Statement and a Reminder Phrase.

  Part 1: Rub the Central Meridian points (see Figure 6-1) while saying, “Even though [name problem]” (Reminder Phrase) and then place your hands over the center of your chest while saying, “I deeply love and accept myself” (Acceptance Statement). Repeat three times.

  Part 2: Tap the points (see Figure 6-3) while saying your Reminder Phrase out loud.

  Part 3: Do the Integration Sequence: Tap the ridge beneath the V where your ring finger and little finger meet on the back of either hand as you (1) close your eyes, (2) open your eyes, (3) look down to the right, (4) look down to the left, (5) circle your eyes, (6) circle your eyes in the opposite direction, (7) hum a bar of a song, (8) count to five, and (9) hum again. Optionally, end by sweeping your eyes from the floor to the ceiling, sending energy through them.

  Part 4: Repeat Part 2.

  Repeat this sequence (Parts 1 through 4) as needed, until your rating for the memory or problem is down to zero or near zero. Challenge the results by trying to invoke the disturbing feeling.

  Select a Memory

  To get right into the Basic Recipe, begin by bringing to mind a memory, preferably from childhood, that has a negative charge for you. Later you will learn to apply the same techniques to unwanted emotional responses that emerge in current situations as well as to other challenges, but for this initial run-through, we suggest you begin with a memory. Most memories that evoke a strong negative feeling have not been fully processed. The experience may have been horrible, and psychologically processing it cannot erase that, but it can alter the brain pathways that cause the memory to evoke the kinds of emotions and physical sensations that were part of the original experience. When this has been accomplished, the memory can be integrated in new ways that make it a resource and source of emotional resilience rather than an area of vulnerability.

  For the purposes of this exercise, the memory should not be of an event that involved physical injury or any type of abuse, but it can be one that carries a strong emotional charge, such as the loss of a loved one; the moment you learned your parents were getting divorced; a move from a comfortable home to a neighborhood of strangers; getting lost in what seemed like the wilderness; a pet dying; a betrayal; an embarrassing incident in which your peers, team, or whole class were laughing at you or were upset with you; or a situation where you hurt someone you cared about. We all have them, and while we may not think of them frequently, such memories, until they are fully resolved emotionally, carry an energy that drains us just a bit from our full vitality. They also narrow our world a little because at some level we restrict ourselves from behaviors or choices that might create a similar circumstance. And as we saw in David’s “heads on desk” memory, they can bleed through and distort our current experiences.

  The memory should be of a specific scene. For example, if the memory is about your family moving and you having a difficult time adjusting, rather than focusing on the challenges you faced in a general way, identify a specific memory that epitomizes the difficulties you faced (e.g., “I got lost walking home on the first day of school and thought I’d never find my parents again”). Once you have your memory, write it down. If you are working alongside your partner or with a friend, you can describe your memories to one another at this point instead of writing about them. One of the great strengths of energy psychology for couples is that not only can the procedures be successfully applied on a self-help basis, you can be a tremendous support to your partner by simply being a witness through the process.

  Give the Memory a Subjective Units of Distress (SUD) Rating

  Once you have selected the scene you wish to work with, the next step of the Basic Recipe is to give it a SUD (subjective units of distress) score. Rate the memory on a scale of zero (no distress) to 10 (extreme distress), based on the amount of discomfort you experience in your body and/or mind when you think about the memory or, as we are about to suggest, as you vividly re-create the memory in your mind.

  It is, however, neither necessary nor desirable to do this so vividly that you risk retraumatizing yourself. You can have a successful outcome using energy techniques by just touching into the incident lightly. If the issue you are focusing on is particularly intense, a variety of techniques can be used to keep the memory or feeling “at a distance.” You could, for instance, give the scene a rating by “viewing” it through a long tunnel or through the wrong end of binoculars. Or you could simply think about what it would be like to think about the issue. In this method, referred to by Gary Craig, the founder of EFT (the most widely used form of energy psychology), as the “tearless trauma” technique,14 you simply guess at what the emotional intensity would be (on a scale of zero to ten) if you were to vividly imagine the unpleasant incident.

  If, on the other hand, you find yourself having difficulty keeping focused on the memory or accessing your feelings about it, rather than viewing the scene, you might use your imagination to help you enter the scene. Imagine as vividly as you can what you might have seen, heard, smelled, tasted, felt, and/or thought during the incident. This can bring you more deeply into the memory if it is seeming too distant to you, but, again, it is not necessary to immerse yourself in an emotionally traumatizing incident from your past—only that you touch into it. That is enough so it will be neurologically active as you are doing the tapping.

  The Movie Technique

  While you can simply bring the memory to mind and give it a rating, the technique we suggest for most people, at least initially, is called the “movie technique.”15 You create a short mental movie clip of the scene, play it in your mind, hit pause at the point of maximum intensity (the “crescendo” moment), give that a rating, and then complete the movie. Inner movies are experienced differently from one person to the next. Some people see sharp internal images. For others,
imagination is based more on feelings or words or somehow just “knowing.” Whatever way your mind creates the “movie” is the right way for you. You will still be able to rate the scene and use energy techniques to work with it. Another alternative for rating the memory is to tell it (again, focusing only on a brief snippet that includes the moment when it reached an emotional crescendo) as a story and giving a rating to the crescendo moment.

  If your memory has several climactic points, focus on only one of them. The other crescendos may need to be treated one at a time as separate aspects of the event. If the memory is, for instance, of an automobile accident where you escaped injury, the crescendo points might include hearing the tires skidding, realizing an accident is about to happen, hearing the crash, wondering if you were hurt, and seeing others on the ground. You would treat each as a separate memory, but you will find that once you have neutralized your physiological response to a few of them, the rest will probably fall away quite readily. If your memory has several crescendos, select only one for now.

  When you give the zero-to-ten rating on the discomfort or distress you feel while activating the scene, you are rating the intensity the memory evokes in you right now, as you tune into it (as contrasted with what you think you would feel if you were in the situation again). Once you have rated the scene and finished the movie, you may wish to release any pent-up energy that was stirred. An energy technique such as the Blow-Out (here) can be effective for this.