by L. A. Sable
“Then what’s the problem?” I ask, genuinely curious. He’s never seemed to be the type to struggle with anything, so I can’t help a fascination at the display of emotion. Part of me is still convinced that it’s impossible to have this much and still be unhappy. “Help us understand.”
Taking a sip of water, Jayden stares off into the distance as if there’s some secret hidden among the trees. “Imagine you spent your whole life doing something, like as long as you can remember. And the entire time, everyone in your life is telling you that this is what you were born to do and you’re so lucky to have found your purpose so young. It’s the only thing you’re actually good at. Now, imagine that you hate that thing with the fiery passion of a million suns.” He drains the bottle and tosses it in the direction of the trash can. It sails in without touching the sides. “I did my first commercial when I was four, before that my mom had me doing catalog shoots as a toddler. I haven’t really taken a break from the work until now and she acts like I’m throwing my life away.”
“You talked to her recently?” Kai asks with a frown. It’s obvious from his expression that he’s not the biggest fan of Mother Heart.
“Last night. And she went on and on about how expensive the tuition is at Black Lake and that I better not be thinking this means I can take another break to do college like some celebutante who wants cred for being intellectual. My whole family relies on me to pay the bills and there’s nothing I can study in college that will give me a career like the one I already have.”
“But that’s a crazy amount of pressure for you to be under,” I tell him, feeling sympathetic despite my best efforts to fight the emotion. “You were practically a baby when this all started, it’s not like anybody ever gave you a say.”
“That all sounds great when you put it like that, but I can’t tell my little sister that she has to change schools because we can’t afford the one she’s been at since kindergarten anymore. My mom has been my manager for the past twelve years and my dad used to work as an electrician which wouldn’t exactly cover their expenses.”
“Your movies have grossed millions of dollars,” I say, trying to calculate in my head how much money must have come his family’s way after all this time. “They can’t just live off what you’ve already made?”
Jayden scoffs. “I don’t think you understand how hard it is to downgrade your life once you’re used to a caviar budget. My parents haven’t flown commercial since I was in elementary school.”
“And that’s on them for not living within their means,” Kai snaps, although it’s clear he’s angry on Jayden’s behalf. “Or should I say your means?”
“It’s not that simple.”
Setting my fork down, I turn in my chair so I can reach over and touch Jayden’s arm. His skin is smooth under my touch and so hot that it feels practically feverish. I’ve never seen him worked up like this before. “I think it’s understandable that you feel responsible for your family because you wouldn’t be here without them. But that doesn’t mean you owe them a life of indentured servitude. They wanted this life for you, but it sounds like they wanted it for themselves, too. The question is: what do you want to do?”
“That’s the problem,” he responds with a heavy sigh. “I don’t have any idea what that might be.”
“We’re still in high school.” Kai’s shrug is all-encompassing, as if he doesn’t see the point of worrying about anything at all. “We’re supposed to be excited about the future, not terrified. There’s still plenty of time for that and worrying gives you wrinkles.”
“That’s easy for you to say.” Jayden flashes a smile before tossing the cap from his water bottle across the table at Kai. “You don’t mind being the black sheep of your family.”
“Who says I’m the black sheep?”
“Uh, Lukas for one. And literally anybody else who has ever met you.”
“You take that back. My parents love me.”
“Love that you’re away at boarding school, maybe.”
I watch their verbal sparring with a small smile, clearly the serious talk is over. That’s one thing that I’ll never be able to understand about boys, they can go from the most serious thing to the most frivolous without even a pit stop in between. Girls, on the other hand, have to obsess over every nuance and detail, saying the same thing over and over again in a dozen different ways. I almost envy boys their obliviousness.
“Thanks for the invitation to lunch, guys.” I push my half-eaten taco away and lean back in the chair. “And to think I might have missed out on all this in favor of studying for midterms. I’m a lucky girl.”
“Is that sarcasm?” Kai asks with his mouth full, just before swallowing the bite that encompassed almost half of his taco. “I think she’s making fun of us.”
“Maybe a little,” I acknowledge with a small smile.
Jayden leans closer to me, voice low and conspiratorial. “Can we let you in on a little secret?”
I cast him a sardonic look. “Go ahead.”
“Kai went to your room this morning. You didn’t answer, so he asked the girl in the room next to you and she said she heard you leaving earlier,” he sheepishly admits. “We came into town to see if we could catch up with you.”
“So you guys are literally stalking me?” It’s a good thing they didn’t find me five minutes earlier, I think to myself, trying to imagine their reaction if they had caught me coming out of Liam’s apartment. I fiddle with the edge of my plate to give my fingers something to do as I look from one of them to the other. “I’m not sure if I should be flattered or alarm.”
“Either would be appropriate,” Kai says, wiping his mouth with a napkin. “But if anything, we should be the ones getting upset with you.”
“Whatever you’re smoking must be good stuff,” I reply, waiting for the punch line. But they both just look at me with the same casual look on their faces. “Please explain why you should be upset with me?”
“Because you’re the most indecisive chick that either of has ever met,” Jayden points out with a careless shrug, as if he’s discussing the weather or a grade in class. “And don’t think we haven’t noticed you’ve got something something going with Lukas too, especially now that he doesn’t have Chloe hanging around his neck.”
“Although you wouldn’t be the first to be into the twin thing,” Kai adds drolly.
Jayden waves that away. “This is about common courtesy, not kink-shaming.”
“At some point you’ll have to tell us which one of us you’re choosing,” Kai says, nodding in agreement. “Unless you’re not picking either of us, in which case go ahead and let us dream for a little while longer.”
It’s obvious that the joke is covering up something more serious. My eyes close for a minute as I fight off a sudden piercing headache. “Picking you?”
“To date,” Jayden adds as if that should be patently obvious. “We haven’t ever been left hanging by a girl for this long. It would be fun if it weren’t so nerve-wracking.”
“It could be she just wants to be friends.” Kai drums his fingers on the table, expression musing. “That’s a thing people do, right?”
“Guys can’t be just friends with a girl, at some point you always think about what it might be like to get with her even if you never act on it.” Jayden seems to contemplate it for a second. “Maybe it could work when you’re really old and your dick stops working.”
Kai shakes his head. “Nah, I’d still have eyes. I won’t stop noticing girls until I’m dead.”
If I thought killing both of them would get me out of this conversation, I might actually attempt it.
“Have either of you considered that maybe I don’t believe in monogamy?” I say, mostly just playing for time. If I date one of them, then there will no longer be an excuse to spend time with the others which would cause this whole thing to fall apart. And the last thing I want to be is like Maisie or Ocean, who have a reputation for being used and discarded by almost every guy
at school. My reputation has to hinge on being unobtainable. “I mean, it is a very archaic social construct rooted in a patriarchal worldview.”
“That would be very progressive of you,” Jayden acknowledges with a grin. “Are you picturing something like a sultan’s harem where we feed you grapes and take turns rubbing your feet?”
“Sky’s the limit, really.” I’m glad we’re back in joking territory because I don’t have a serious answer that won’t tip the delicate balance we’ve achieved. “When I work out the details, you’ll be the first to know.”
Kai is the first to respond, but the teasing note in his voice underlies something more serious. “As long as you’re not pining for Asher. I still remember what happened last term when Lukas dared you two to go out in the woods.”
“Asher is my step-brother. Please, don’t be gross.”
“Technically, he’s your step-nephew-in-law, I think. No idea where that falls on the acceptability spectrum.”
“It’s off the chart and completely out of the question,” I say, sounding more assured than I actually feel. “As far as I’m concerned, the only thing that really matters is how much of an asshole he’s been to me. I wouldn’t date him if you paid me.”
“I thought girls liked assholes,” Jayden says with mock-seriousness. “I’m sure everything I’ve ever seen online confirms it.”
“Girls, exactly. Little girls who don’t know any better. I’d like to think I’m a little smarter than that.”
“Well, at least that narrows down the competition,” Jayden says with a smile that I can tell doesn’t reach his eyes.
As we gather our trash, I can’t get the image out of my head of what it might be like to have multiple boyfriends at the same time. It’s like catching a glimpse of a naughty scene in a movie when you pretend to avert your eyes and groan, but really you’re peeking through your fingers. You recognize that it’s not real, but you’re drawn to the fantasy anyway, even if you don’t want anyone to know.
But I have to live in reality. And there isn’t one where something like that would actually be possible.
At least that’s what I tell myself, hoping I don’t say something that I might really regret. Whatever fantasies that live in my head at night can only be that, I have to live in the real world.
But a girl can still dream.
Chapter 14
It’s almost past midnight when I finally work up the courage to confront Asher. I’m not worried that he’ll try anything but I’ve had bad luck when it comes to being alone with him and I don’t quite trust myself to keep my cool.
I hate that the one person I can be myself around at Black Lake, also happens to be among the worst people I’ve ever met.
It’s nearly pitch black outside as I navigate the short buildings, using my cellphone as a light to avoid tripping over something in the dark. I have to stay off the pathway so I don’t run into one of faculty members on evening patrol, looking for students out after curfew.
When I finally reach his building, I stand outside it for a few minutes taking deep breaths as I gather my nerve. This the last place that I want to be right now, about to confront Asher with the knowledge that his father has been lying to him for his entire life. Especially considering that I have no idea what sort of mood he will be in. The guy has made a career of running hot and then cold, he’ll either profess his undying love for me or try to push me off his balcony.
Asher doesn’t seem surprised to see me when he answers my soft knock on his door. His expression is sardonic as he opens the door just wide enough for me to notice that he’s only dressed in a loose pair of pajama pants.
“I guess you missed the no soliciting sign,” he drawls.
I shove past him because the only other option is to stand out in the hallway like an idiot and I don’t want any other students to walk by and see me paying him a late-night visit. “I have to talk to you.”
“Please come in,” he says sarcastically, closing the door as I sweep past him. “I assume it didn’t occur to you that I might be asleep.”
“Vampires only sleep during the day,” I respond, crossing my arms over my chest. Then I realize that being confrontational might not be the best way to go about things. “I mean, at the house you were always up late.”
“You’re tracking my sleep patterns now?”
“Don’t flatter yourself.”
With a sigh, he collapses back down on the bed and props himself up with the pillows, leaving me standing awkwardly in the center of the room. “Look, if you’re here about what I said after the boat race, can we just not to do this? My head was all messed up from the lack of oxygen and you can’t take anything I said seriously.”
And how did I know that he would immediately regret the rare moment of honesty? Asher is about as in touch with his feelings as the average super predator. “It’s not.”
“Then what’s so important that you’d come here of all places to see me?”
But now that he’s looking at me with an expectant expression on his face, I hesitate. There’s no telling how he’ll react to what I have to tell him, but I can only assume it won’t be good.
After watching me stare down at my feet for a good minute, Asher finally breaks the silence. “Are you ready for the vote?”
My head snaps up, eyes narrowed as I look at him. “Is there something I should do to get ready? Do you typically polish your crown the night before the vote?”
“Sarcasm isn’t an attractive trait in girls, you know.” He leans back against the wall and cast me an insolent look. “Judging from how much you’ve lobbied to get to this point, I get the feeling being attractive is important to you.”
“Lobbied?” I repeat, voice heavy with distaste. “I’m not exactly campaigning for prom court. I don’t care about the vote.”
His eyebrows go up and it’s patently obvious that the expression is meant to be mocking. “You actually expect me to believe that Chloe’s little mishap was just a coincidence? Not to mention those photos that showed up on Inner Circle.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“You’re playing at being underhanded, but you’re talking to someone who has spent his entire life lying to people.” Asher gives me a long once-over that sends prickles of awareness coursing over me in every place that his gaze touches. “Although, I’m still trying to figure out how you posted anonymously on the app. Care to enlighten me?”
“I’m surprised you’d give me that much credit for being underhanded. I think you told me once that I’m nothing and no one.”
He doesn’t even have the grace to look abashed. “Well, you’ve done a pretty good job of turning all my friends to your side. I’d say that’s your crowning achievement.”
“You sound jealous,” I point out, partly as a deflection but also because it seems to be true.
“Maybe I am.”
I just stare at him and he shrugs as if it doesn’t matter but his intense gaze never leaves my face. I’m the one who’s finally forced to look away. So I use the opportunity to look around the room, taking in the sparse decoration and school-provided furnishings. It barely looks like someone lives here at all.
“Are you moving out?” I ask, indicating the half-open suitcase on the bed.
“I never bothered to unpack anything, it’s easier to just live out of the suitcase.”
“Are you hoping to make a quick getaway, or something? This place looks like a hotel room at the airport.”
“I didn’t realize you moonlighted as an interior decorator.” His voice is droll, but he continues to watch me in the dim light with partially hooded eyes. He leans back in the bed and shifts his hips up in a frankly suggestive movement. “Or was there something else you wanted? I’m pretty tired but we can work something out if you’re okay with being on top.”
“You’re disgusting, you know that.”
“I am what I am, babe.” He stretches on the bed, highlighting the taut muscles of his chest
and stomach. “Now, tell me what you want or fuck off.”
It’s tempting to do the latter, but I can’t allow myself to walk away. I don’t know how the piece related to his father fits into the puzzle that is this mystery surrounding Black Lake, but I’m nearly certain that it does. Frank Bellamy’s role in all this is like some nebulous thing that’s just out of reach but I just know I can make sense of it if I have more information. And Asher is the only one who might have the answers that I need.
If I can just figure out how to tell him that the man he thinks is his father probably isn’t. Asher has never talked about his mother, who passed away when he was a kid, but I doubt he’ll appreciate the implication of Frank’s sterility on her character.
“This is kind of a sensitive issue, that’s why I wanted to talk to you about it when no one else is around.”
His expression is droll. “Did you come all the way over here to tell me that you’re on your period?”
“You are so gross.”
“Or did you catch the same thing that took down Chloe and now you have to give the obligatory ‘better get yourself checked’ message that’s required by law?”
I close my eyes for a second and take a deep breath to tamp down the urge to punch him in the face. It’s impossible to understand why it’s so easy for him to get a rise out of me. It’s a wonder he even has any friends with an attitude like this, although I assume that the guys don’t get the full brunt of it like I do. “Could you not be an asshole for just one second?”
“I’ll try, but hurry because I won’t be able to keep it up for long.”
“It’s about your father.” The words rush out of me so fast that I’m not sure he even understood them. “It’s about Frank.”
His expression doesn’t change, but Asher sort of freezes as if every muscle in his body is tensing up for something. “If you’ve been talking to him, Carter will have your ass.”
“I haven’t.”
He relaxes the smallest amount but his gaze continues to bore into me. “Then what?”