But by Degrees

by Kit Eyre

  ‘What’s your point?’ Lenora queried.

  Jude pressed her hands together. ‘The switchboard was on the top floor; it was the only place it’d fit. She took the call from this Sam Radison, walked straight past the front door and stayed with us. That’s not saving her own skin, even though she’d had the chance.’

  For a minute, Lenora was silent. Then she forced her mug away, dribbling tea into the creases of the oak table. ‘Well, she’s not normal, is she?’

  ‘More normal than you,’ snapped Jude. ‘How many people died thanks to your negligence or have you never added them up?’

  ‘You’ve got no right to be coming in here –’

  ‘Are you kidding?’ she interrupted, raising herself from the table.

  ‘Jude,’ I said and she fell back into her chair. To Lenora, I added, ‘You’ve got no room to be throwing stones. Where is he? Radison – where is he?’

  Lenora snickered. ‘How would I know? We didn’t exchange phone numbers, did we? The fella had a knife in my face.’

  ‘Good. Pity he didn’t stick it in your chest and leave it there. No, you sent him towards Knight to save yourself and we ended up in the crossfire. Well done. Now, where the hell is he?’

  ‘I’ve told you why it happened. That’s all you’re getting.’

  ‘Give me a reason not to take this to the police.’

  ‘I’ve given you it. I’ve told you.’

  ‘Yeah, but I’m not normal, am I? Give me something.’

  ‘Why do you want to see him anyway? I’ve told you why he did it.’

  ‘Why, yeah,’ I answered, keeping my focus clear of Jude, ‘but that’s not the half of it. It’s the how I’m bothered about, how he went about it.’

  A smirk suddenly stretched Lenora’s lips apart. ‘You’re no different to me.’

  ‘What do you mean by that?’ I demanded.

  ‘All about you, making yourself feel better. Nothing to do with what happened. If it was, the truth’d be enough. Tell you what – you’re no different to him either.’

  I teetered against the counter and my eyes strayed to Jude. Her lips were pinched, but with anger more than anything else. She kicked her chair back, grabbing my stick before it clattered to the floor. Lenora shrank back into her seat as Jude towered over her.

  ‘Listen to me,’ Jude said, ‘you give us a clue. You give us something to work with. Danni was the one who said she’d keep your name out of it, not me.’

  ‘You could track him down yourselves,’ Lenora murmured. When Jude refused to move, she went on, ‘Look, try the Scarborough site.’

  ‘It’s closed.’

  ‘It’s not been sold, though, has it?’

  Jude shot me a doubtful look. ‘No, it hasn’t.’

  I deliberated for a couple of seconds then said, ‘Give us the address.’

  Chapter 20

  February 2010

  ‘Is he serious?’

  Caroline’s voice ripped through me and I looked past her to Jude and Harriet arriving on the landing. I’d asked just for Harriet, though Jude’s stony expression suggested the entourage hadn’t been her idea. The three of them stopped on the other side of the desk, eyes fixed on me.

  ‘Well?’ Caroline pressed. ‘Does he mean to let people out?’

  I managed a nod.

  Harriet exhaled and clapped her hands together. ‘That’s brilliant, well done.’

  ‘Wasn’t much I did.’

  ‘Either way, it’s a result. We’ll have to do it fairly, mind you. Names in a hat or –’

  ‘Can’t do that,’ I cut in with a glance at Jude. She was gnawing on her lower lip, one arm resting over her stomach. ‘He wants me to pick people to send out.’

  Caroline scoffed. ‘Oh, for Christ’s sake! You’re making this up.’

  ‘Like hell she is,’ said Jude.

  ‘This whole thing’s a practical joke,’ Caroline spat. ‘It’s got to be. If you make a threat like this, you speak to the organ grinder, not the monkey. He’d be talking to Harriet, making concrete demands. It’s ridiculous anyway. Who’d want to blow up an accounting centre, hmm? Tell me that.’

  Jude’s fist bounced off the desk. ‘If that’s what you think, why are you still here?’

  ‘Because she’s taking it seriously,’ Caroline retorted, jabbing her thumb towards Harriet. ‘I thought there must be something in it, something you’ve been keeping to yourselves.’

  ‘Bollocks. You’re contradicting yourself, just like you always do.’

  Harriet held up a hand. ‘Shut up, the pair of you. If that’s what Danni’s been told to do, I’m not questioning it. Neither is anyone else.’

  ‘How would he even know?’ Caroline queried.

  ‘We’re not taking the chance,’ she answered.

  Brittle silence settled over the four of us. Even with the desk between me and Jude, I could feel the protectiveness practically radiating from her. The tears from the loos had given way to her usual stoicism, all dedicated to shielding me from Caroline and whatever else tonight decided to chuck at us. I met her eye then mustered the strength to glance back to Harriet.

  ‘Can we talk?’ I asked.

  She nodded and rounded the desk. ‘Meeting room, come on. Caroline – you stay with the phone. Jude – go downstairs and keep a lid on everything. Don’t let on just yet.’

  I spared one last look at Jude’s loving face before following Harriet through into the meeting room. Michael’s door, when we passed, was firmly shut and the office was dark. Maybe he was downstairs with the others.

  Harriet let the door swing shut of its own accord and rubbed her forehead. The usual bags round her eyes had lengthened over the last couple of hours. Now they looked like war paint dribbling into the lines around her nose. She collapsed into the chair at the head of the table and motioned for me to sit down. With just the two of us swamped by the table, I was reminded suddenly of my last one-to-one and Harriet telling me to assert myself more. It wasn’t long after that I’d allowed Jude to coax me into bed.

  ‘How do you want to do this?’ she questioned.

  I shrugged. ‘I don’t trust it. Doesn’t make sense, does it? He’s kept us locked in here for eight hours – more than that. Now he reckons he’s letting some people out. Why would he? I mean, he loses control. People aren’t going to keep quiet, are they? They’ll go home, they’ll tell the police. Knight won’t turn up; we’ll be surrounded by the bomb squad in an hour. Harriet, it doesn’t make sense. And there’s something else.’

  She squinted at me. ‘What?’

  ‘He knew about me and Jude. He told Michael, he set us up so that Michael found out. That’s what the Yorkshire and Humber paperwork thing was all about. It’s like he’s playing with us.’

  ‘Maybe he is,’ she said after a moment.

  ‘So what do we do?’ I asked.

  Harriet cupped her hands around her throat and shook her head. ‘I’m not seeing we’ve got a choice. He’s got all the cards, hasn’t he? We start arguing, he loses his rag. All we can do is play along, not get people’s hopes up, and maybe find a way out of this mess. We’ve got to get through till Knight turns up, that’s the only thing.’

  ‘I can’t though. I can’t pick who to send out and who to keep in here. Caroline’s right. You’re the boss, you should do it.’

  ‘We can’t take the risk. No, come on, think about it,’ she continued when I snorted. ‘He’s had access, hasn’t he? If he’s planted a bomb like he’s saying, what else has he done? Maybe he’s listening to us, I don’t know. He’s left us to our own devices for long enough. That doesn’t seem right to me.’

  I tugged at my collar, landing on a sodden clump of cotton from Jude’s breakdown earlier. My fingers stilled and I closed my eyes.

  ‘Danni?’ Harriet prompted.

  ‘All right, I’ll do it,’ I told her. ‘Get me a bit of paper.’

  Conrad had given us forty minutes.

  It only took five for me to compile the list
of names then Harriet patted my shoulder and took herself off downstairs to break the news. I stayed in the meeting room, staring into the strip lighting until my head throbbed.

  The door kicked open suddenly. On seeing Michael, I scrambled to my feet, but, when he snickered, I sank back into the chair, leaving him towering over the table with his arms crossed.

  ‘I think the time for pleasantries is over, wouldn’t you say?’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I mumbled.

  ‘You’re sorry. Great. You screw my wife and you steal my unborn child, but you’re sorry, so it’s fine. Doesn’t really wash, does it? You must’ve planned it. What did you do, look around and see who could best serve your career? Harriet’s straight as a die, and Caroline’d probably have you arrested. Jude’s the nice one, easily led.’

  I couldn’t help it; I let out a snigger.

  His brow creased. ‘What?’

  ‘You don’t know her at all, do you? She knows exactly what she wants. Go on, convince yourself I did all the running if it makes you feel better. Doesn’t matter now.’

  ‘You’re selfish. You’ll ruin her life. And that baby – my baby –’

  ‘Stop it.’

  ‘Go on, think about it for a minute,’ he persisted, rounding the table until his sweat soured my oxygen. ‘I’m not going anywhere. You’re not bringing up my child, mine and Jude’s. It’d be better for you if it didn’t exist, wouldn’t it? You wanted a fling and you ended up with a baby. Congratulations, that’s a first for a lesbian.’

  For a long moment, he glared at me. I couldn’t muster embarrassment. I didn’t care what Jude had told him about us or what images were flashing through his head right now. My eyelids were drooping. The little burst of anger had fizzled out and all I could think about was the last time Jude fell asleep in my arms, way back in December. I let my eyelids close and almost drifted off until Michael’s quivering voice buzzed through me.

  ‘I heard what you and Harriet were talking about. Conrad letting people go.’

  I opened my eyes to peer at him. ‘You’re not going.’

  ‘I didn’t mean me,’ he replied.

  A lump formed in my throat and I did my best to swallow it down. ‘She is.’

  Chapter 21

  July 2011

  ‘Harriet abdicated responsibility. She should never have left you on the phone.’

  ‘Shut up, I’m trying to think.’

  Jude rapped her fist against the steering wheel. ‘Try talking to me.’

  ‘No,’ I answered.

  We were parked up in a layby on the same stretch of road we’d had breakfast on earlier. It was busier now, lorries whizzing past and rocking Harriet’s Renault back on its haunches. All that noise was bleeding into my brain like a drill, not to mention Jude’s incessant attempts to lure me into conversation. She’d been at it from the minute we left Lenora’s, wanting to discuss every little detail, but I just needed to get my head straight before seeing Harriet and Gemma again. That’s why I’d told her to pull over, even if she hadn’t taken the hint and stopped trying to engage me when we did.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her lips part again and growled. I threw the door open and hobbled across to the crooked gate. The land beyond was fallow, hardy weeds sprouting in the ruts left behind. I rested my arms on the coarse wood and inhaled the scent of pollen diluted by diesel fumes. Behind me, the driver’s door slammed.

  ‘Aren’t we even gonna talk about what happened back there?’ Jude questioned.

  I growled. ‘I need to get my head clear before we tell Harriet.’

  ‘I didn’t mean that.’ She settled beside me, her elbow skimming mine. ‘It wasn’t in my imagination, any more than it was two years ago.’

  ‘I don’t know what you mean,’ I lied.

  ‘Come on, at least admit you’ve missed me. Let’s just start from there.’

  Not for the first time, her nerve was nauseating. I clenched my jaw and willed away the flurry in my stomach. When it died, I focused on a blackbird hopping from groove to groove in the field to keep my voice steady.

  ‘My dad’s warned Harriet and Gemma not to let me anywhere near Conrad – Radison. If they reckoned we were getting nearer, they’d insist on handing it over to the police. I don’t want that.’

  After a pause, Jude asked, ‘So what do you want me to say?’

  ‘Just don’t go deep into it. We’ll tell them what Lenora said about why he did it and that she suggested there might be more information at the Scarborough site. That’s all.’

  ‘What kind of information?’

  ‘She wasn’t specific, she wanted us out.’

  Jude drummed on the gate. ‘And what are you hoping to find?’

  ‘His head on a spike,’ I muttered.

  ‘Failing that?’ she questioned.

  Finally, I dragged my gaze over to her penetrating eyes. ‘Him.’

  Gemma’s simmering irritation from last night had boiled into outright anger.

  She must’ve been watching from an upstairs window. Before we’d made it out of the car, she was hauling me from my seat, snatching my stick so I had no choice but to lean on her on the way up the path. I forced her away when we reached the lobby and tumbled into a bleached blue armchair.

  ‘Don’t do that again,’ I warned, grabbing for my stick.

  She held it aloft. ‘What were you thinking?’

  ‘Gemma, give me it. Now.’

  ‘What was it? Drive into the middle of nowhere for a quick shag?’

  ‘Give me the stick,’ I insisted.

  ‘What the hell’s wrong with you? One minute you’re–’

  She was broken off by Jude swiping the stick out of her hand and returning it to me. The two of them glared at each other until fresh footsteps thumped down the staircase and Harriet launched herself at Jude.

  ‘You’re a bloody thief,’ she told her.

  Jude snickered. ‘If I wanted to nick something, it wouldn’t be that pile of junk.’

  ‘Bet you bought a BMW with your blood money,’ Gemma muttered.

  I stood up, tottering a bit. ‘Give it a rest, the lot of you. We’ve been to see Lenora, that’s all. We might have another lead, okay?’

  That shut Harriet and Gemma up, though the flash of satisfaction across Jude’s face brought a flush to my cheeks. I’d seen it before, more times than I could count. It was the look she gave me whenever we passed in the office after we’d spent the night together – intimate, possessive, secret. We had another secret together, that’s what she was thinking, and it turned my stomach. I twisted to focus on Harriet.

  ‘I’ll tell you what Lenora said when we’re on the road, but we’re heading to the Scarborough site next. We’ll drop Jude off in Leeds on the way, we don’t need her anymore.’

  With that, I limped towards the staircase. My foot had just landed on the bottom step when Gemma trotted up beside me.

  ‘Dan –’

  ‘It’s fine,’ I cut in. ‘You’re sorry, I’m sorry. Let’s leave it there.’

  Maybe it was me saying we were dumping her in Leeds, or maybe something else had kicked off between her and Harriet after we’d gone to pack. Either way, Jude was subdued for the couple of hours it took to get us to Berwick. She slumped in the passenger seat, not adding anything to my selective explanation of what had gone on at Lenora’s house, just staring into the passing scenery.

  As far as Harriet and Gemma were concerned, we knew that Conrad was really called Sam Radison and we knew that his mum had died thanks to Lenora’s negligence. I also told them about Knight’s involvement in the cover-up, so they knew why Radison had wanted him there in the first place.

  ‘So why are we going to Scarborough?’ Gemma asked when I’d done. ‘We’ve got enough to hand it over to the police.’

  I shook my head. ‘We need proof.’

  ‘Surely all this’ll implicate Lenora,’ Harriet pointed out from the driver’s seat. ‘If it all comes out, what’s to stop her being prosecut
ed for manslaughter or neglect?’

  ‘That’s why we need to cut out the middleman. We’re not giving them a hypothetical lead; we’re giving them something concrete. Case notes or something. Hand those over with his name and maybe they’ll take it seriously.’

  Although Jude shifted in her seat, she said nothing. Neither Harriet nor Gemma seemed convinced by my argument, but as long as they got me to Scarborough, I couldn’t care less what they thought about it all.

  Harriet pulled into services near Berwick to refuel and get coffee. I elected to stay in the car and, after making sure Jude was going inside, Gemma nipped to the loo.

  Left alone, I closed my eyes and allowed fatigue to take over for a bit. My mind was spinning around Lenora’s tale, though Jude’s eyes prickled at the edges more than I liked. Radison was still a dark blur in my imagination, even if the background jigsaw was starting to fall into place. Ex-Army, devoted son, born in Scarborough and moved away. It was better than a blank canvas marked only with a pathological hatred of Vincent Knight and Harriet.

  The shrieking door jolted my eyes open. Jude had doubled-back, irritation etched over her face. She twisted around in the passenger seat and planted both hands on the headrest.

  ‘Why take me back to Leeds? It’s wasting time.’

  I sat upright, stretching my leg till the muscles caught. ‘Barely. Anyway, if you’re that fussed, we could always leave you here.’

  ‘All right, Danni, stop it. I know what this is about as well as you do. You’re scared –’

  ‘Nope,’ I interrupted.

  She dug her nails into the upholstery. ‘Yes. I’ve seen it before, remember? I’m not letting you get away with it again.’

  ‘God, you’re unbelievable.’

  ‘We need to talk,’ she persisted.

  ‘It’s not about you – it’s about him. We needed you to find Lenora, but you’ve lost your leverage. What did you think? You got a get out of jail free card just for getting us an address? We’re not that daft.’

  ‘Who? You and Gemma?’

  ‘All of us,’ I snapped.