But by Degrees

by Kit Eyre

Her chin drooped for a few seconds. Then she raised her eyes up to mine, a familiar glint burrowed in them. I pressed my spine into the seat and steeled myself.

  ‘You wanted me to keep the truth from them,’ she said slowly. ‘Not to tell them you want to get your hands on Radison personally.’

  I snickered. ‘Your way or nothing. Just like old times.’

  ‘I need to be there,’ she said with a limp shrug.

  ‘Why?’ I questioned. ‘For a year you buried your head in the sand. I mean, you’re still working for them. Why do you suddenly want to help find Conrad – Radison?’

  ‘Because you asked.’

  ‘Harriet asked.’

  ‘No, you needed me. You still do.’

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Gemma traipsing back to the car. Jude followed my gaze and her face flickered. She swallowed before returning her attention to me.

  ‘What she did earlier with your stick –’

  ‘Leave it, Jude.’

  ‘She was out of line. I would never –’

  ‘You can come,’ I cut in as Gemma caught sight of us talking. ‘Just shut up, okay?’

  With a curt nod, she turned her body round and jabbed the radio on. The Corrs began blaring through the car, startling Gemma when she pulled the door open. She looked between us then settled beside me.

  ‘What’s going on?’ she queried.

  I battled to level my voice out. ‘She’s coming with us. It makes sense.’

  Gemma’s eyebrows rocketed, but she kept quiet. Maybe she wanted to avoid another row, especially in front of Jude, or maybe she was wary of what my reasoning might be. Telling her it was blackmail would probably be a better bet than anything else flying through her head right now.

  I slipped a hand across onto her knee and mustered a smile. Her shoulders relaxed and the three of us sat listening to Radio 2 until Harriet reappeared with a cup holder and three coffees. She passed cardboard cups to me and Gemma then threw Jude a saccharine glance.

  ‘Sorry, couldn’t remember how you take it. Anyway, if you’re only coming as far as Leeds, it doesn’t matter, does it? You won’t die of thirst.’

  Jude turned the radio down. ‘Change of plan.’

  ‘You what?’ Harriet asked, looking to me. ‘Danni?’

  ‘Let it go,’ I muttered. ‘And give her my coffee as well. I don’t want it.’

  Chapter 22

  February 2010

  I waited in the meeting room, ice nibbling into my stomach lining.

  The footsteps, when they came, were as thunderous as I’d been expecting. Jude bashed the door open and slammed it so hard that they must’ve heard it downstairs. Her shoulders were heaving and, God help me, all I could think was that I’d never been more turned on. I pushed my chair back to at least reduce the height difference, grateful the table was still between us. She soon skewered me on that, pacing around and halting in front of me.

  ‘No way in hell,’ she said.

  I winced. ‘Jude –’

  ‘No, I’m not leaving you in here. Forget it. Give my spot to someone else. Caroline can have it for all I care.’

  ‘You know I can’t do that.’

  ‘Sunita then! Or Vicky, it doesn’t matter.’

  ‘Jude, please,’ I murmured and her brow softened. I edged forward. ‘Odds are, he’s not letting anyone out. We know what he’s like. He plays games, doesn’t he? I reckon this is about him showing off his power again. He gets everyone riled up and hopeful then he pulls the plug. What else is he gonna do? Let half a dozen people out who could blow his plan before morning? It doesn’t make sense.’

  ‘So you’re playing along,’ said Jude, resting a palm on my cheek. ‘Why not pick names at random if it’s just a game?’

  I shrugged. ‘Well, what if it’s not? You know, maybe there never was a bomb and this is him losing his nerve or something.’

  ‘What makes you say that?’

  ‘I don’t know, something Harriet said. About him having access to plant the bomb.’

  Jude tugged on my hand and we both perched on the desk, thighs pressed together. Her arm wound around my waist and I leaned into her shoulder. Ahead of us, the corkboard announcing the team training exercises for 2008 bristled under the air con. I closed my eyes and listened to Jude’s shallow breathing.

  ‘If he covered his tracks, we wouldn’t spot it,’ she said after a minute of silence.

  ‘What about the alarm? Nothing’s been broken or messed with, not that we’ve been told anyway. He hasn’t come in through the doors or the windows.’

  ‘Maybe someone left one open. You know what the lads are like.’

  ‘Yeah, I know what you’re like as well. What’s the last thing you do on a night? You always end up locking up and you check everything twice. I’ve watched you do it.’

  ‘I had those days off, remember,’ she said quietly.

  I opened my eyes, a shudder running along my spine. Sure, I remembered the end of January and her rash of unexplained absences. Caroline had been spitting blood, especially when I’d been drafted over to HR to cover month end accounting. The irony of that only hit when Jude told me she was pregnant and I felt like more of an idiot than ever.

  ‘It’s still a tight window,’ I replied.

  Jude tucked a strand of hair behind my ear then met my eye. ‘Sweetheart, if there isn’t a bomb, that’s even less reason to let us out.’

  ‘Unless it was all just a joke.’

  ‘Do you really think that?’

  I sighed and shook my head. ‘I’m looking at getting you out of here, that’s all. I’ve done it right on the off-chance he’s legit. Everyone else I’ve put on that list has kids, apart from Gill. But she looks after –’

  ‘Her sister,’ Jude concluded with a faint smile. Then she sobered again. ‘I’m not saying I don’t appreciate your motives. I love you for it. But I’m still not going.’

  ‘It’s not just about you, is it?’ I returned.

  She blinked and lowered her chin. ‘That’s not playing fair.’

  I twisted towards her, slotting my right hand onto the table to brace myself and settling my left palm on her stomach. Her body relaxed against mine. I pressed a kiss to her temple, my tongue catching on the beads of sweat leaking from her brow. All of a sudden, the atmosphere thickened.

  ‘Danni . . .’

  My resolve, barely holding as it was, gave way. Her lips snagged against mine and I hissed at the pressure, fiddling with the zip on her trousers. When she tilted back for easier access, my fingers faltered. She slipped one hand into my hair, massaging my head and rubbing her thumb against my ear while she held my gaze. After an excruciating minute, she grasped my fingers with her free hand and guided them into her underwear. The memory of the first time she’d done that tipped me over the edge and I swung my leg across her body, forcing her down onto the desk. As her legs clamped around me, I pushed deeper and deeper, feeling every tremor and groan, gazing into her eyes.

  Chapter 23

  July 2011

  We pitched up at a luxury hotel in the middle of the North Yorkshire Moors.

  It hadn’t been planned, but heavy traffic coupled with Harriet buggering up the sat nav set us back a bit. Jude suggested we stop off and carry on first thing tomorrow, pointing out that we didn’t want to be done for skulking around a derelict Gerbera property on an evening if we were trying to be discreet. Harriet and Gemma argued the toss then gave me the deciding vote. Given what Jude had said earlier, I suspected I didn’t have much of a choice, so we ended up turning off and driving through the picturesque countryside to find somewhere to stay.

  The hotel we landed on was gorgeous, one of those classy places with its own spa in the annex and a restaurant named after its chef. I could feel Gemma’s anxiety building as we walked into the expansive reception then she yanked me to a stop, our trainers shrieking on the panelled floor. Harriet halted a few paces ahead, though Jude pressed on to the desk. While she began chatting with the rece
ptionist, I twisted to face Gemma.

  ‘What the hell’s going on with you two?’ she demanded.

  I shook her off. ‘Nothing.’

  ‘You could’ve fooled me. First you disappear with her this morning then she’s not coming with us then she is. Now we’re staying at a fancy hotel because she says so. What is it? Sneaking around like you used to? She gets off on it, doesn’t she?’

  There were a few guests milling around and a middle-aged couple reclining in armchairs with a glass of wine apiece. Their heads tilted up, the husband raising an eyebrow at his wife. Once their attention drifted down to my stick, I sensed danger and tugged Gemma back towards the doors. She allowed herself to be led, even if she brushed my arm away the moment we hit the pebbled courtyard.

  I watched her slice her shoe through a sheaf of stones before stomping across to the fountain at the heart of the driveway. Unlike Lenora’s, this one worked, launching water from the mouths of cherubs over a central marble pyramid that glistened under the rays of early evening sunlight. Gemma leaned against the rim, stretching her hand underneath the stream from the nearest cherub. It spattered water all along the ridges of the cement until she slanted her thumb towards the base and the water trickled through her hand instead.

  With cautious steps, I followed her across the pebbles and rested on the edge of the fountain. Gemma threw me a weak smile, a flush colouring her cheeks.

  ‘This places reminds of that hotel in the Lakes,’ I said after a few seconds. ‘Your 21st.’

  She let out a chuckle. ‘Oh, yeah. If you see a man in a bamboo hat, run.’

  ‘He probably stalks hotels, waiting for unsuspecting young women.’

  ‘Wows them with all his tales about Australia.’

  ‘That he got from watching Home and Away,’ I added.

  ‘Struck out with us two, didn’t he?’ Gemma questioned then her eyes drifted back to mine. ‘Dan, I’m sorry. She just gets to me.’

  ‘You never would’ve guessed,’ I retorted.

  ‘It feels like you’re keeping something from me, that’s all.’

  ‘Gem . . .’ I ground my stick into the stones until I hit solid earth. ‘My head’s all over the place, I can’t help it.’

  ‘Yeah, and she’s taking advantage of it.’ She hesitated, biting her lip. ‘Maybe I am too.’

  When she blinked away tears, it was only natural for me to rest my stick against the fountain and coax her into my arms. Even when she’d been cheating on me, I’d found it hard to stay mad at her. The night we decided to call it quits, we spent the evening cocooned in the living room watching crap telly and giving each other foot rubs.

  ‘You’re not,’ I murmured into her ear. ‘God, Gem, you’ve been great all through this. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be here. You know that.’

  Her fingers knotted into my waistband. ‘I wanted to help.’

  ‘And you have.’

  ‘No, she has. This is all down to her, finding anything at all.’

  ‘That’s not true.’ I drew back and scraped a tear from her cheek. ‘We started looking – you, me and Harriet. Jude didn’t give a toss. I still don’t think she does. It’s all about power, her getting one over on me.’

  ‘You’re letting her,’ Gemma argued.

  ‘Because it doesn’t matter. I need closure, I need to move on with my life. However that comes about, it’s the same difference.’

  Gemma wet her lips. ‘What kind of moving on?’

  I smiled and traced her jawline with my ring finger. When she exhaled, it was familiar, like getting out of a hot bath and slipping into your own sheets. I leaned forward to kiss her, hoping for a burst of electricity, but not much happened. It was nice, nothing else. She prolonged the kiss, holding me steady the way Jude used to, and all I could do was go along with it.

  ‘I’ve missed that,’ she murmured, resting our foreheads together.

  ‘Me too,’ I lied.

  Across the courtyard, the stones rattled under another pair of feet. I wasn’t surprised to find Harriet stamping towards us, although Jude hovering in the background sent a flurry of ice down my spine. Gemma giggled and extracted herself, handing me my stick before linking our arms together.

  ‘If you two could put each other down, we need to check in,’ Harriet said.

  Jude cleared her throat and called, ‘Already done. Four rooms, bought and paid for. I’ve got the keys here.’

  ‘We don’t want your charity,’ replied Harriet.

  ‘How about Vincent Knight’s charity?’ Jude asked.

  I glanced sideways to Gemma. Whatever she’d said earlier, it looked like her concerns had been allayed by the kiss. She simply shrugged and nestled into my shoulder. It was a struggle to keep us both upright, and I saw Jude’s eyes narrow in the distance. Harriet seemed equally troubled, her fingers drumming against her thigh.

  ‘I’ve booked a table for eight too,’ Jude continued as she handed Harriet the keys and turned away. ‘I’ll see you then.’

  I pleaded exhaustion and locked myself in my room, but something about the four-poster bed and sheepskin rug set my teeth on edge. After putting up with it for twenty minutes, I changed into cleaner clothes and took myself off for a walk around the grounds.

  My physio would approve of this; he was always on at me to walk around more. I’d kept up with it in Scotland with my parents and Gemma had coaxed me round Kirkstall Abbey a few times, but I always felt under the microscope. At least here I could walk at my own pace, not staggering to keep up in case someone recognised me from the papers.

  I made it to a secluded pond with curious ducks wandering around the grass before I yielded to my aching leg and took root on a bench. The odd guest strolled by, nodding cordially then continuing along into the copse beyond the pond. Other than that, I was alone until Harriet plopped down beside me. She’d changed into a pair of beige linen trousers, mismatched with her chunky black trainers, and I stifled my amusement.

  ‘Don’t start,’ she warned. ‘Wasn’t expecting fine dining. This is posher than the place Paul took me for our 20th anniversary. Mind you, he went and had an allergic reaction to the sorbet so we spent the night in A&E.’

  ‘At least it was memorable,’ I said.

  ‘Usually is,’ she replied then she settled her arm over the back of the bench. ‘What are you playing at with Gemma?’

  I tucked my hair behind my ear. ‘You must’ve known how she felt.’

  ‘Well, yeah, I’ve not been living in a cave for the past eighteen months. On the first train, she was. Packed in her steady job and all sorts to help out while you were in hospital. You took it for granted.’

  ‘I know,’ I muttered.

  ‘When it comes to burying your head in the sand, you’re a bloody expert, you know that? Come on then, what are you playing at? Don’t try telling me you’ve seen the light, I’m not daft.’

  A duck was seesawing alongside the bank, twisting its beak in our direction. We held its attention for a few seconds until it realised we weren’t hoarding bread in our pockets and paddled off with a squawk. Harriet, meanwhile, pulled out her cigarettes and lit one.

  ‘Let me tell you what I think,’ she said when I didn’t answer. ‘You’ve got the history with Gemma. She’s been around for the past year, come hell or high water. For Christ’s sake, you couldn’t get rid of her, however hard you pushed.’

  ‘Same goes for you,’ I pointed out.

  ‘Yeah, well, I had my own reasons. You’re not the only one who needs a full stop at the end of this, you know. I’ve never told you this but . . .’ She flicked ash onto the grass and watched it dissolve into the breeze. ‘Me and Paul went through a rocky patch ourselves – afterwards. I was dosed up on all sorts, couldn’t cope with it. He was doing his best, holding it together for John’s sake, and I was chucking it all back in his face. We got through it on sheer stubbornness more than anything else. He wasn’t giving up on me.’

  I swallowed. ‘Like Gem.’

&nbs
p; She didn’t respond and the implication of the silence fluttered through my stomach. I focused on the murky green of the water until husks of dead branches began bobbing along in front of us and I dragged my eyes away. They landed on the copse and a rigid figure resting against a tree trunk, blonde hair wavering around her cheeks.

  Harriet followed my gaze and sighed. ‘God knows I don’t like her, Danni, but you’re not being fair to Gemma.’

  ‘I’m trying to figure it out,’ I replied, focusing back on the pond.

  ‘Which I wouldn’t have a problem with – if you needed to. As it is, you’re stringing her along and I fancy wringing your neck for it. Then again, she’s no better.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Work it out for yourself,’ Harriet returned, grinding her cigarette out. ‘Maybe after you’ve had a chat with Mother Teresa who’s on her way over here.’

  I stiffened, unable to glance over as Jude padded towards us. Her steps slowed when she passed in front of our bench, though she didn’t stop. Eventually, I heard her pass from the dirt path onto the flagstones that led straight up to the hotel.

  ‘Go after her,’ said Harriet. ‘Go on. You need to sort this before dinner. I’m not getting bloody indigestion sat with the three of you.’

  Chapter 24

  February 2010

  ‘Wow. That was . . . Wow.’

  I stuttered out a chuckle, fumbling with the buttons on my shirt. ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Here, let me,’ Jude murmured.

  Her hands settled over mine, our scents mingling. Once my shirt was fastened, I brought our fingers up to my nose and inhaled until we were all I could smell again. Then I steeled myself and let go.

  Jude’s clothes were rumpled and her cheeks flushed. She watched as I kneeled to retrieve the shoes she’d kicked across to the wall then sat and allowed me to slip them on for her. I gradually made my way up her body, straightening her trousers before zipping them up. I checked every button on her shirt and tweaked her collar with my thumbs until the sole legacy of what’d happened ten minutes ago was the expression on her face. Only then did I sink into the nearest chair and rest my head in my hands, blotting out the room with my palms.