When We Were Us

by Elena Aitken

  Mark did as he was told. When they’d both caught their breath and stretched out their muscles enough so they wouldn’t seize, they sat down on the cool grass by the waterfall.

  He watched the water hit the rocks below and swirl into a pool at the bottom before spilling out into the stream a little farther down.

  “That was intense,” Aaron said after a moment. “Do you feel better now?”

  His muscles ached, his heart was still beating hard in his chest, and his mind hadn’t stilled at all. “No.” Mark didn’t hesitate. “Let’s get drunk.”

  Chapter Ten

  “You did what?” Cam stared at her friend. It was a few days after Christy’s singing debut at the Log and Jam and the women were doing a little shopping. But after what Christy had just told her, Cam was pretty sure they both needed a glass of wine more than they needed a new outfit.

  “I asked him to leave.”

  Christy turned so Cam couldn’t see her face, but she didn’t miss the waver in her friend’s voice.

  “You’re going to need to back up a beat.” Cam took the blouse out of Christy’s hand and placed it back on the rack before she turned to look at her friend. “You asked him to leave? Mark? Your husband, Mark?”

  “Yes.”

  “The love of your life, Mark?”

  Christy sucked her bottom lip into her mouth. “Yes.”

  “The man you’ve loved since the eighth grade, Mark?”

  “Yes.” She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to turn away, but Cam grabbed her arm.

  “What the hell, Christy? What’s going on? Did something happen?” The only reason Cam could possibly conceive of for Cam to ask Mark to leave was if he was unfaithful, or God forbid— “Did he hurt you? So help me, if he laid one hand on—”

  “No!” Christy shook her off. “Of course he didn’t hurt me. You know him, Cam. Do you really think he’d ever touch me like that?” She shook her head, but Cam wasn’t letting her off the hook.

  “Of course not,” she said. “But I know you, too, and I never thought I’d ever hear you say the words that you asked him to leave, Christy. What the hell is going on? He wasn’t unfaithful, was he?” Even as she asked the question, Cam knew the answer. Mark would never cheat on his wife. He loved her more than anything in the world, which was why none of what Christy was saying made any sense at all.

  “No.” She shook her head sadly and walked over to the rack with some low-cut, body-hugging dresses. Cam watched as she picked one up and held it up to her body. It was a nice dress. A sexy dress. And a dress that Christy would never wear.

  But that was before.

  Before Christy had undergone this crazy transformation. First her hair, then her clothes and then…

  “Oh shit.”

  Christy turned and looked at Cam, who stood with her mouth hanging open. “What?”

  “Is this all part of…”

  “What?”

  “You know.”

  “No.” Christy put her hands on her hips. “I don’t know. Is this all part of what, Cam?”

  She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “You know what I mean, Christy. Your hair, your clothes…is this like a mid-life crisis or—”

  “Really? Are you serious right now?” Christy slammed the garment she was holding back onto the rack with so much force Cam thought it might tip over. “Are you seriously asking me if I’m having some sort of mental breakdown that would cause me to make such a drastic decision? Really?”

  Cam thought about it for a minute. And ultimately decided on the truth. “Yes,” she said. “That’s what I’m asking.” She held up a hand to stop her friend’s rebuttal before it came. “And before you say anything else or get mad, I just want to say that the only reason I’m asking is because it just seems so crazy, Christy. It’s a lot of change all at once.”

  Christy opened her mouth to say something but closed it again when Cam kept talking.

  “First the hair—which I love, by the way. And then the new clothes. Also, nice. I like the new look, I really do. But then you started singing.” She tilted her head to gain Christy’s silence this time. She could tell her friend was chomping at the bit to say something, but Cam needed to finish what she had to say. “And I love that you’re singing. I do. It was absolutely amazing to see you up on that stage, Christy. It really was. You are incredible. But that’s not what worries me.” She dropped her hand and her voice. “And I am worried, Christy.” It was an unbelievable understatement, but Cam didn’t know how to put into words what she was feeling for her friend.

  “You don’t need to be worried.” Christy dropped her arms to her sides. “I loved Thursday night. It was probably the most fun I’d had in…I don’t know…years, maybe. And isn’t that something to think about, Cam? I can’t actually remember the last time I had so much fun. I’m not even forty and I feel like I’m dried up, worn out, and all my life is gone.”

  “Christy, that’s not true.”

  “Isn’t it?” She shook her head and for a moment, Cam thought she might cry. Instead, Christy straightened her shoulders and stood up straight. “For my whole life, I wanted one thing. To be a mom. And now that it’s not going to happen, I don’t know who I’m supposed to be. And I really don’t know who I am. I forgot how to have fun, Cam. I forgot how to be me. And that night, on that stage, it all came back. Hell, every time I pick up the microphone, it comes back.”

  Cam nodded. “I get that. It’s probably a lot like how I feel when I pick up a camera.” Christy nodded and she even got a glimmer of a small smile. “But I don’t understand why you had to ask Mark to leave. Is it because he wasn’t there last night? You said he was running.”

  Cam remembered hearing about the last time Mark trained for an ultra-marathon. It was before she’d moved back to Timber Creek, but Christy would send long text messages about how hard it was to be a runner’s widow and lose her husband to the trails for days at a time. It had been hard on them and their marriage. She could absolutely understand being upset with Mark for choosing a run over her singing debut. Not for something so important. In fact, the more Cam thought about it, the more she thought that it didn’t seem like something Mark would do.

  He’d never miss something so important.

  “He doesn’t know,” Cam said. It wasn’t a question and Christy didn’t deny it. She didn’t say anything. After a moment of silence, Cam asked, “Why didn’t you tell him, Christy?”

  A tear slid down her cheek, and then another as Christy shook her head. “I don’t know. I really don’t. It just didn’t feel right. I was so happy singing with Jamie, and it’s not like I was doing anything wrong, but I guess I just felt like as soon as I told him, it wouldn’t be fun anymore. It’s like two totally separate lives, Cam. When I’m singing, I’m…free. Alive. I’m me. And when I’m with Mark, I’m…I’m so unhappy.” She shook her head and refused to look at Cam. “Whenever I’m with him, I can’t help feeling like I let him down, that even if he doesn’t say so, he resents me. I know it doesn’t make any sense.”

  “No. It doesn’t.” Cam crossed the distance between them and pulled her friend in for a hug. “It doesn’t make any sense at all. And he doesn’t resent you.” Cam didn’t know whether that was true or not, but it felt like the right thing to say. Besides, she just couldn’t imagine Mark thinking that about Christy.

  “I love him, Cam.”

  “I know you do.” She patted her back.

  “I just don’t know what I want anymore.” Christy pulled back and sniffed loudly. “It’s like a second chance at life and I don’t know anymore how I want it to go.”

  “Do you want to sing?” What Cam really wanted to ask her friend was if Jamie, the man she’d mentioned, who was obviously the guitar player she’d noticed during the show, had anything to do with her decision. But it wasn’t the right time.

  Christy nodded so enthusiastically, her red hair flopped around her face. “I do. And the guys asked me if I’d play a few more gigs wit
h them.”

  “Gigs?”

  “It’s what you call a show.” She was so excited, just talking about singing and performing, that Cam could see how important it was to her. “Their usual lead singer is having some family issues and instead of cancelling the gigs, they asked if I could perform with them. It’ll mean a few overnights to some of the towns around here, but nothing too major and since I don’t have anything else going on…”

  “Why not?”

  “Right?” Christy’s smile was full and genuine this time.

  “Right.” Cam nodded. “I think it’ll be good for you. But…”

  “No.” Christy stopped her. “No buts. Please. Just let me have this.”

  There were a million things Cam wanted to say and a million more things she wanted to ask her. Instead, Cam forced a smile and tried to be happy for her friend, even though she couldn’t even begin to understand what she was doing.

  She never should have gone out shopping with Cam. She was in no state to be around people, not even her best friends. Maybe especially not her best friends. Christy knew that Cam would never be able to understand what she was doing with Mark.

  Tears pricked at her eyes at the thought of her husband and not for the first time in the last twenty-four hours, she wondered whether she’d done the right thing.

  It had been hurtful and selfish to do what she’d done. She knew that. But she hadn’t been lying when she’d told him that she felt like she was suffocating whenever she was with him.

  She was.

  And now, as she walked through her empty house, she could breathe again. She stopped in the hallway and inhaled a full breath. She let the oxygen fill her lungs completely before exhaling slowly.

  She’d read on the online forums for infertility that she’d once been an active part of that many couples who’d been unsuccessful with their treatments drifted apart and marriages ended. Not because they didn’t love each other, but because they simply couldn’t navigate their lives and who they were supposed to be after going through something so all-consuming that resulted in a disappointment that was so incredibly devastating. At the time, she’d brushed over those personal stories, focusing instead on the tales of success and happiness. She’d been so sure that would be her.

  For most of her treatments, she’d stayed optimistic, doing nothing but sending positive energy into the universe. It wasn’t until the very end of the last treatment where she began to let herself believe that her story might not have a happy ending.

  She glanced down the hall to the bedroom door that had been closed for the last few months. That was to have been the baby’s room. She’d allowed herself to gather a few things over the years. A crib and change table. A few outfits. The walls were a pale yellow with framed pictures of cute baby zoo animals on them.

  It was beautiful and perfect. And heartbreaking.

  Christy turned away from the door and headed into the master. After her disastrous shopping trip with Cam, she’d gone off on her own and picked up a few things.

  The room felt sad and stale, so she threw open the window and let the fresh summer air flow into the space. Then she plugged her phone into the portable speaker she’d just bought and cranked up some feel-good tunes.

  She sang as she worked at stripping the bed sheets. She opened her packages and remade the bed in the bright orange and pink floral sheets she’d bought and threw on the new crisp white duvet. She finished it off with some matching orange and pink throw pillows and stood back.

  It was perfect. Mark preferred grays and blacks in his bedding. She’d never cared before, not really. He rarely asked for anything when it came to how the house was decorated, so she’d complied and decorated the rest of the room with framed black-and-white floral images. It was crisp and clean.

  But now it was bright and alive. And perfect.

  She was just about to turn her attention to the ensuite bathroom and the new towels she’d bought when her phone rang. Because it was plugged into the speaker, the sound was amplified in the room and impossible to ignore.

  When she saw the caller, a FaceTime call from Amber, she smiled and answered.

  A moment later, Amber’s face appeared on the screen.

  “Hey there.”

  “Hey yourself,” Christy said.

  “Oh my God! Look at your hair!” Amber’s mouth fell open and Christy laughed. She’d forgotten that Amber hadn’t seen her since her mini transformation. “Holy shit, girl. It looks great. Turn around, let me see.”

  Christy did as she was told, hamming it up for her friend. “You like it?”

  “I love it. You look great.”

  Amber was sitting too close to the screen for Christy to get a really good look at her, but Amber looked tired, which in and of itself wasn’t unusual. She was always working too hard, getting too little sleep and not taking care of herself. But her eyes looked different. Big. And busy, darting all over the place.

  “Thanks, sweetie,” Christy said and added, “How are you doing? You look—”

  “I’m fine. Working too much and keeping all the balls in the air. You know how it is.”

  She didn’t.

  “So tell me,” Amber said. “What the hell is going on over there?”

  Of course, Cam had probably called Amber and told her everything. “Cam called you?”

  “You know she did.” Amber blinked rapidly. “What’s going on, hon? With Mark?”

  “I really don’t want to talk about it, Amber. Really.” She propped the phone up and started unwrapping the new towels she’d bought in matching orange and pink colors. “I just need a little time and some breathing room to figure out what I’m going to do. I know it doesn’t make sense to anyone else, but—”

  “It makes sense to me.”

  “Pardon?” Christy looked back to the phone. “It does?”

  “Hell yeah it does. You’ve been through a lot. Give yourself a little time.”

  “But…Mark?”

  Amber nodded. “Mark is an amazing man. And he loves you. He’ll give you anything you want, including space. You know that.”

  She did. “I just don’t want to hurt him.” Christy dropped her head and swiped at her eyes, determined not to cry again.

  “Which is why you owe it to both of you to take a bit of time to sort yourself out. It’s not fair to either of you to be unhappy.”

  Christy could hardly believe what she was hearing. “You get it.”

  Amber laughed. “Of course I do.”

  “But you’ve never been…”

  “Married? In a relationship?” Amber finished the sentence for her. “Nope. I most definitely have not. But I pay attention. You don’t get to be a successful lawyer if you don’t pay attention to people, you know? For what it’s worth, I do think you’re doing the right thing.”

  “You do?”

  “There’s just one thing.” Amber held up a finger. “Never forget how much he loves you and how much you love him. That type of love doesn’t come along every day, and it’s not something to be treated lightly. Or thrown away.”

  She nodded and was about to tell Amber how she agreed completely, when her phone buzzed with an incoming call.

  It was Jamie.

  “Are you getting another call?”

  “Yes, but…” She hesitated, unsure of whether or not she should take it. Something had happened between them at the bar the other night, and she didn’t know how she was supposed to feel about it. Or how she wanted to feel.

  “Take it,” Amber said. “I have to run anyway. My to-do list is insane. Talk to you later, hon. Love you.”

  She was gone before Christy could protest.

  She stared at Jamie’s name on her screen and, with a deep breath, answered the call. “Hey, Jamie.”

  “Hey. I just wanted to touch base with you after the other night.”

  The other night? Did he mean the moment they’d shared between them? Or was he talking about Mark moving out? Not moving out so much as…
it didn’t matter. Besides, he wouldn’t know that. She shook her head to clear it. “The other night? What do you mean?”

  “The gig? Performing…remember? It was your first time in front of a real audience.” There was a lightness in his voice, and Christy couldn’t help but laugh at herself.

  “Oh yeah.”

  “Don’t tell me you forgot already?”

  “No.” She shook her head and tossed her hair behind her head. “I most definitely didn’t forget. It’s just been a little…well, it’s been a busy few days.” That was a huge understatement. “But no,” she said, refocusing on the conversation. “I didn’t forget at all.”

  “Good. Because the guys wanted me to check with you if you were serious about coming on our tour with us.”

  “Tour?” That sounded like a whole lot more than just a few gigs in some neighboring towns.

  Jamie laughed. “Okay, it’s not a tour so much. But it sounds way cooler when we call it that, don’t you think?”

  She agreed with a laugh. “But it’s just a few gigs?”

  “Five, to be exact. We’d be gone about a week. You still up for it?”

  She looked around her newly decorated space. A week wasn’t really that long and it might be a good opportunity for her to get that distance she was looking for so she could figure out what it was she really wanted. “Yes.” She nodded. “I’m totally up for it.”

  “Good. I’m glad to hear it.” He paused for a minute. “I’ll email you the details. We leave Thursday.”

  “Thursday? Like this Thursday?” That was only a few days away.

  “That’s okay?”

  She bit her bottom lip. “It’s fine.”

  They ended the call and Christy dropped her phone on the bed in front of her.

  Things were moving so quickly. In less than seventy-two hours, she’d performed with the band for the first time, asked her husband to move out, and now was preparing to go on tour. Christy’s mind spun.

  She was filled with nerves and excitement. But there was something else, too. The underlying sadness that never seemed to leave her alone was still there. Being apart from Mark hadn’t made her feel any better.