When We Were Us

by Elena Aitken

  Only worse.

  What good was being excited about something as amazing as her first real tour with a band when you couldn’t even talk to your best friend about it? Her eyes drifted to the framed photograph on the nightstand.

  It was taken on their wedding day. Mark insisted on keeping it on his side of the bed because he said it was his favorite shot of the night. The photographer had caught them in their first dance. They were staring so intently into each other’s eyes that they hadn’t noticed anything else going on around them. Christy remembered that moment as if it were yesterday. She remembered thinking that she was the luckiest woman in the world to be able to go through her life with this amazing man by her side, loving her and supporting her through it all.

  Had things really changed so much?

  She put the photo down and wiped a tear off her cheek.

  She needed to talk to Mark.

  Chapter Eleven

  Somehow Mark had managed to make it through the weekend. True to his word, Aaron had gotten him drunk after their hard run. Not that it had helped. He should have known better. There was a reason why he didn’t drink much.

  Alcohol only made him feel worse. He wasn’t even one of those people who could use drink to numb his feelings for a few hours. It just amplified everything.

  After the one night of attempting to drown his feelings, he focused on running for the rest of the weekend. If he wasn’t running, he was sleeping, only remembering to eat when Aaron put food in front of him.

  The last thing he wanted to be doing that Monday was working, but he had patients who depended on him. And he knew better than to think that their illnesses and medical issues could be put on hold just because his world was falling apart.

  After a morning seeing patients, he was almost thankful that Sarah had scheduled an in-house visit with Eric Ross. He’d just seen the man the previous week, but Sarah said there’d been a change over the weekend, and Drew had called and requested that Mark stop by to see him.

  Mark had never been to the little house that Eric and Drew had rented. It was just down the street from where the Ross brothers grew up, their parents still living in their childhood home. Mark guessed they’d chosen the location to be close enough for them to help, but far enough away to have their privacy during Eric’s last days.

  He still couldn’t believe that Eric was terminal. Despite his training, it never failed to shake him when a patient faced death. Particularly one so young. It just didn’t seem fair. But if there was one thing Mark knew about disease, it was that nothing about it was fair.

  He knocked on the door, not wanting to ring the bell in case Eric was resting. A moment later, a much older-looking version of Drew answered the door.

  “Drew?”

  “Thank you for coming, Mark.” She backed away and gestured him inside. “It’s been a rough weekend.”

  “What’s going on?” He stopped short of asking her if she’d been taking care of herself throughout everything that was going on. She obviously didn’t need that discussion at that moment, but he made a mental note to talk with her about self-care very soon.

  “He was doing so well last week so we thought it wouldn’t be a bad idea to sneak in a little date night.”

  “Sounds like it would be fine.” Mark followed Drew into the house.

  “I don’t know if it was too much, or what, but when he woke up on Saturday morning, he just seemed weaker. More tired. Like…I don’t know. Do you think it’s…”

  Mark put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed. “How about you go get yourself a cup of tea while I go examine him? Then we can all talk.”

  She nodded. “Austin is sitting with him.” She managed a small smile at the mention of their young son. “He’s reading to his dad.” She made air quotes with her fingers. “Just send him out. Tell him I have cookies.”

  “Sounds like a plan.” Mark chuckled. “And maybe later I can have one of those cookies, too?”

  “Of course.” She pointed down the hall. “It’s the first door on the left. It should be open. Let me know if you need anything.”

  The house was small and it didn’t take him long to find the bedroom. Mark stood in the door and watched the scene in front of him, hesitant to break it up.

  Drew and Eric’s son, Austin, sat cross-legged on the bed with a stack of picture books next to him. He faced his dad and very seriously was reading the stories to him. Eric was propped up with pillows next to his son and although his eyes were only half open, there was a smile on his face and he was clearly listening to Austin’s every word.

  Mark waited a moment until Austin finished and moved to pick up another book before he knocked lightly on the open door. “Excuse me, guys.”

  Eric’s eyes flickered open and met his. “Doc? What are you doing here?”

  Mark took that as permission to enter and approached the bed. “I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d say hi.” They both knew it was a lie. “Austin, your mom told me to let you know that there were cookies in the kitchen.”

  The boy didn’t need to be asked twice. He scrambled to his knees, pressed a kiss to his dad’s cheek, and hopped down from the bed without a second glance.

  “Cute kid. I don’t think I’ve seen him since he was a baby and you guys came to visit.”

  “We should have done it more.” Eric nodded. “He is a good kid. All of this is so hard, but he hasn’t complained about any of it. Not leaving his little buddies to hang out with me in bed instead of the park—none of it.” Eric’s eyes took on a faraway look and Mark felt as though he were intruding on a private moment, but then it was over and Eric looked at him again. “Seriously. To what do I owe this visit?”

  Mark pulled up a chair and sat next to the bed. “Drew called. She’s worried. Said you had a rough weekend.”

  He nodded. “I think I just overdid it, is all. I’m feeling a bit better today, but…it’s spreading.” It wasn’t a question, so Mark didn’t answer. “I can feel it,” Eric continued. “And I don’t need any scans to prove it. I can’t explain it, Doc. But I can actually feel the cancer growing in my body. I can feel it killing me.”

  Mark had had a few cancer patients in the past, and although everyone had different experiences, he had heard something similar before from a patient with breast cancer. It made no medical sense, but sometimes these things didn’t.

  “But I’m not going to stop doing things with my family,” Eric said. “We had a good time on Thursday. And we missed you,” he added almost as an afterthought. “Christy said you were running. Too bad. You should have been there, man. She was amazing.”

  It took Mark a minute to catch up with what he was saying. “I should have been where? Who was amazing?”

  Eric blinked. “At the Log and Jam. Christy was amazing. She said you had a training run. Still, you shouldn’t have missed it.”

  “Whoa.” Mark held up a hand and shook his head. “The Log and Jam? I didn’t know anything was going on. Sure, I had a run planned, but if there was something happening, I could have rescheduled. What did I miss?”

  “Christy’s performance. She sang with the band and she was great.”

  The other man’s words reverberated in his brain. Christy sang? With the band?

  “Drew said she’s been rehearsing with them and might even play a few gigs,” Eric continued. He looked at Mark quizzically. “You knew about it, right?”

  He could lie and make something up, but Mark didn’t have the energy. And what was the point in lying to a dying man? He shook his head. “No,” he admitted. “I actually didn’t know anything about it.” He ran his hands through his hair and stood. “To be honest with you, Christy and I are having a few problems right now, and maybe now I know why.” He turned in a circle before he looked at Eric again. “Sorry, man. This isn’t very professional. I just need to process for a minute.”

  “It’s fine, Doc.” Eric pushed himself up a little bit in the bed. “I didn’t mean to say something I shoul
dn’t have.”

  “You didn’t. You’re fine.” Mark took a deep breath and forced himself not to think about the information he’d just gotten and focus instead on his patient. He exhaled slowly and forced a smile. “Don’t worry. Now, let’s talk about some ways to get you a bit more energy so you can keep enjoying all the things you want to for as long as possible.” He sat down again and started going through the information he’d been researching for Eric. It wasn’t a cure, but he’d read some studies of patients who’d started mega dosing fresh organic juices and other vitamins and were able to increase energy levels. It was promising enough to give it a try.

  They talked for the next few minutes and Mark explained everything he could before taking his leave. He begged off the cookie Drew offered him and escaped to the heat of the day. It wasn’t until he was in the fresh air that Mark allowed himself to think about what Eric had told him. He stood on their sidewalk and squeezed his eyes shut.

  Christy was singing?

  When they were young, she’d loved to sing and had even confessed to him that she’d dreamed of doing it professionally once upon a time.

  The first question was followed by the next logical one.

  Why hadn’t she told him?

  After Mark’s receptionist told her that Mark had made a house call at Drew and Eric’s, Christy contemplated waiting for him or sending him a text message, but ultimately, she got in her car and drove to Drew and Eric’s.

  Mark stood on the sidewalk in front of the house, his bag in one hand and his eyes shut. She left her car at the curb and stood in front of him.

  “Mark?”

  His eyes flew open and he stared at her as if he were seeing a ghost.

  “Christy? What are you…why are…” He shook his head. “I was just leaving.” He stepped aside as if to let her pass up the sidewalk to the house.

  “No,” she said. “I came to see you.”

  “Me?”

  “Sarah told me you were here. I hope it’s okay that I came.”

  He looked confused and disoriented. She wanted to reach out to him, brush his hair from his eyes. But she knew she couldn’t. Not then.

  “Why are you here, Christy?”

  She took a deep breath. Everything she’d rehearsed saying in the car no longer sounded adequate. How could she say that she missed him, wanted him, and needed him? How could she tell him she’d made a mistake and she was just confused and overwhelmed?

  She couldn’t.

  She had to.

  “I wanted to tell you—”

  “That you’d joined a band?” In a flash, his face twisted in anger. His normally kind eyes blazed. “That you’d been spending your nights singing and I had absolutely no idea?”

  “Mark, I…”

  “I had to hear it from my patient, Christy.” He shook his head and wouldn’t look at her. “My patient, Christy.”

  She glanced up to the house. “You mean Eric?”

  His head whipped around and he stared at her. “No, Christy. My patient. Eric is my patient.”

  “Right. I know that.” She was flustered, and unsure as to how to talk to him. It had only been a few days that they’d been apart, but it felt like the distance was further than before. “I was just going to—”

  “When were you going to tell me, Christy? Is this why you wanted the separation? Because of all of this? Is there something else? Someone else?”

  “What? No!” She shook her head, her hair whipping back and forth around her face. Separation. The word sounded so terrible. So angry. So wrong. “That’s not what I want. It’s not.”

  He ran a hand through his hair. “Isn’t it?”

  “No.” She didn’t know what she wanted and she hated herself for it. But she knew that she didn’t want this distance between them and she’d give anything to take it all back.

  “I don’t believe you.” His eyes narrowed.

  He’d never looked at her that way. He’d never looked at her with anything but love in his eyes.

  “How could you say that?”

  She took a step toward him, but faltered.

  “How could you lie to me?”

  His words pierced her. Each one a razor to her heart.

  “I didn’t. I…” Words failed her. Her heart beat so fast she couldn’t make sense of anything. “It wasn’t supposed to—” Mark started to walk away, past her to the car. Desperate, she turned and screamed, “Mark!”

  He stopped walking and then very slowly turned around. Exhaustion lined his face. “Do you know what it felt like to hear from Eric that my wife had joined a band? Do you know how terrible that made me feel? That I didn’t know something like that? He said you were fantastic. He said you…” He looked to the ground and shook his head. “I should have known, Christy. You should have told me. You should have wanted to tell me.”

  “I know.” She hated that she’d caused him any more pain. The last thing she wanted to do was disappoint him again. Maybe coming here had been a bad idea. Maybe all of it had been a bad idea. “I’m so sorry, Mark. I really am. I didn’t tell you because…”

  He waited for her to finish, but she couldn’t because she still couldn’t explain why she’d kept it from him. Confusion swirled through her head and she hated herself for it. The only thing she was sure of was that she loved him.

  “But I want to tell you now.” She ran to him as he once again turned to his car. “I want to tell you everything and—”

  “No.” He shook his head and pressed his palms to the car in front of him. “Maybe you were right about all of this.”

  “About what?” There was something in his tone. Something that scared the hell out of her. “What was I right about?”

  Mark turned slowly and looked her in the eye. “Maybe we do need some time apart.” He made a sound that might have been a laugh in a different circumstance. “I didn’t want to see it, but maybe you’re right. Maybe this is for the best.”

  “No.” Panic filled her. White noise rushed through her ears and her legs threatened to give way. What was he saying? She’d come here to talk to him, to tell him everything and how she was feeling and that all she wanted to do was be with him and…

  “Yes.” The word was final and filled the space between them. “I know things have been hard, Christy. I know we’ve been through a lot together, but that was the thing—we were always together. Somewhere along the line, that must have stopped for you.”

  “It didn’t,” she pleaded with him, but there was a truth to his words that she couldn’t deny.

  “I should go.”

  She shook her head and tears streamed down her cheeks. This felt different. It felt wrong. It felt as if her entire world was fracturing and she and Mark were on opposite sides of the divide.

  “Mark, don’t do this.”

  “It’s not me, Christy. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want any of this. You did.”

  She did. Or, she had. Or…she didn’t know what she wanted anymore. She couldn’t think. Her mind was going a mile a minute and the sidewalk was tilting. Somehow she managed to stay on her feet.

  “Please,” she whispered. “You mentioned counseling before. Maybe it’s—”

  “I just need some time, Christy.” He shook his head. “I just need to process everything. I don’t know if I even know you anymore.”

  “You do.”

  He looked at her again as though he were going to say something, but then, with a small shake of his head, he sat in the driver’s seat and started the engine.

  Numb, Christy took two fumbling steps backward and tears streamed down her face as she watched him drive away.

  “Don’t go,” she said to the air. “I love you.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Christy spent most of the next few days getting ready to go on tour with the Lumber Kings. She was grateful for the distraction, because it kept her from replaying the last conversation she’d had with Mark over and over in her head.

  Still, moments of sad
ness and disbelief crept in when she least expected it and she found herself crying as she stood in their walk-in closet, staring blindly at his clothes. Or when she tripped over a pair of his old running shoes in the garage and sat on the cold cement floor for twenty minutes holding the beat-up runner and sobbing.

  She’d ignored calls from Cam, Amber, and even Drew. She knew why they were calling. Because no doubt they’d heard about what had happened, or in Drew’s case, maybe even witnessed it considering her latest drama played out on Drew’s front lawn. She didn’t want to talk to any of them. Really, what could she say?

  That she’d messed up? That she’d made one terrible decision after another until finally she’d ruined everything and Mark didn’t want to see or talk to her anymore?

  Christy had done such a good job of ignoring her friends that she’d allowed herself to believe she might be able to escape on tour with the Lumber Kings without having to see them at all. But she should have known better.

  The night before she was scheduled to leave, there was a knock on the door, followed by Cam and Drew walking into her living room.

  “I should have locked the door,” Christy muttered and turned her attention back to the television show she was watching. It was a rerun of some sort of dramatic medical program. Not that she was really paying any attention.

  “Hello to you, too.” Cam walked straight over to the TV and turned it off before sitting on the coffee table in front of Christy. Drew sank onto the couch next to her.

  She was pinned in.

  “You didn’t think we were going to let you leave without talking to us, did you?”

  Christy looked at Drew. “Word travels fast.” She shrugged. Nothing was ever a secret in a small town.

  “It certainly does,” Drew said. “And you can’t ignore us. We’re your best friends.”

  “I wasn’t ignoring you,” Christy lied. “I was busy.”

  “Yeah.” Cam laughed. “Busy ignoring us. But we’re not letting you off that easy. Now spill it. What is going on with you and Mark?”