by India Millar
“Must you spend time with Lord Ito? Away from me?”
“I’m sorry, I have to go. If I refuse such an honor, it will be asking for trouble. Don’t worry. As soon as I get back, I’ll make plans to get us both away.”
My senses knew Seemon had left the moment he passed through of the walls of the Floating World. I was restless. Nothing pleased me. I practiced on my samisen, but put my beloved instrument away when the music sounded dead and unlovely. I picked up a book and tried to read, but found it had no interest for me. I chatted to Saki and Ren and found I had little to say to them. Even the gossip that Tamayu had taken a new lover left me uninterested.
The only real consolation I had was the absence of Lord Dai from my futon. The girls teased me about it, demanding to know what I had done to my danna to drive him away from me.
Tamayu smirked at me. “Perhaps he’s finally gotten tired of you being cold to him.” I gasped in surprise and she sniggered. “Did you think we hadn’t noticed? The silly old fool must truly be mad for you to put up with your disdain for so long.”
“Leave her alone,” Saki said calmly. “Whatever she’s doing—or not doing—for him, she has him dangling on a piece of silk. Anyway, I know why he’s not here. I heard one of my patrons saying that he’s gone on a religious retreat to the temple at Sensoji. He’ll be gone for at least a week.”
Released from anticipation of my danna’s presence, I fell asleep easily that night. As soon as I lay on my futon, I concentrated on Seemon. I recalled his image to my mind and tried to hear his voice. I put out my hand, hoping to feel the illusion of his warmth on my futon. I had found in the past that if I focused hard enough like this, then I dreamed of him. Tonight, I did not.
Instead, in my dreams, I was alone. I walked in a beautiful garden. Tall, dark green pines whispered around me. Somewhere in the distance, the sea foamed and fell on a beach, the waves whispering amongst themselves. Even in my sleep, I was mildly astonished. I had never seen the sea. How could I know its sound? I sat on a stone bench and the warm sun caressed my face tenderly. Suddenly, I was filled with a glow of such intense content that I felt golden. My whole body was relaxed. Peace was within me and I was so happy I felt I could have soared with the birds.
When I awoke, the joy lingered. I lay on my futon utterly happy and utterly relaxed. I felt as if I had eaten the sun and it glowed within me. I stretched and yawned, running my hands over my belly and breasts, simply for the pleasure of feeling my own skin.
And stopped abruptly.
My breasts were tender beneath my touch. I probed a little harder and winced at the pain my touch aroused. There was no pain in my belly, but my fingers told me that my stomach was rounded. I had always envied Saki her flat belly. Compared to hers, mine was a hill. Now, that hill was higher than it had been. I probed and prodded myself in disbelief.
Sat up and shook my head. Counted on my fingers, and then did it again.
It could not be true. The more I denied it to myself, the more certain I became. My last courses had been more than five months ago.
There had been no bitter drink for me. Even if Lord Dai’s tree had reared for me, there would still have been no drink. Had I become pregnant by him, Auntie would have rejoiced.
I stared into space, unable to believe I had been so foolish. How could I not have noticed my missed courses? The answer made me flinch. I had been so taken up with Seemon, nothing else had mattered. The morning was cool and I wrapped my arms around myself, hugging my breasts tightly and shivering at the pain I caused myself. For the longest time, my mind was blank. I knew neither joy nor fear. With a huge effort, I made myself think.
The baby could be gotten rid of without much problem. Any apothecary—if I bribed him well enough—would give me a draught that would do the job. If I was…what? Five, perhaps six months gone? It would not be pleasant, but it was not too late. I jerked to my feet suddenly and reached for the large glass hand mirror that had been one of the many presents from Lord Dai. I turned to and fro, inspecting my body in the glass. First my breasts, then my belly. I had always been—apart from that mounded stomach—very slim. Now it seemed obvious to me that I was fatter. I probed my belly gently with my fingertips and gasped as I was sure that I felt something move in response to my touch.
I knew instantly that no matter what, I could not bring myself to murder my baby. The baby Seemon had created with me.
“No.” I whispered the word out loud. “No. Whatever happens, I will not lose you. I will not let anybody take you from me. You have moved. You are part of me.”
I sat down abruptly and stayed on the tatami for a long time, waiting for my babe to move again. When she did—and I was sure it was going to be a girl child—I felt such love as I had never known existed in the world.
Eighteen
One cannot touch the
Past. Yet who would deny that
It was once our joy?
Things were very difficult for me with Seemon gone. It would have been bad had I not known that I was carrying his child. As it was, so great was my misery I went and shopped in the Street of the Goldsmiths just so I could have a reason to linger outside his house. It did no good. Without his presence, the house was just a house, with neither soul nor heart.
I had to pretend that all was well in my world. I had nobody I could confide in about my baby. And still I had patrons who demanded to be entertained. Patrons who were paying very well indeed for my smiles and whispered compliments. I began to hate myself and wonder if I was turning into Tamayo, who could charm her patrons even when she had had a bitter argument with her own lover and refused to so much as talk to the rest of us.
And worst of all was Lord Dai.
He did not linger long at his retreat. A few days after Seemon left Edo, he was back at the tea house. Auntie was clearly delighted, which was all for the good. She had been grumpy lately and had taken to slapping us all with her cane or lashing us with her acid tongue for no reason at all.
Tamayu said it was because of her time of life, that it was only to be expected at her age. Ren insisted it was because she was having problems with her lover. I agreed with Ren. I had noticed that Auntie was with us in the tea house more frequently these days, and was far more likely to be frowning than smiling. But the thought of Auntie having a lover was distasteful and I pulled a face. Ren laughed.
“She’s not so old that she couldn’t still enchant a man, you know.”
“Ren’s right,” Saki agreed languidly. “Don’t forget, Japanese men tend to be sensible about that sort of thing. The older woman has learned many ways to please her man. And even when she is too old to actually employ the arts of love, she can still capture a man with her wit.” She glanced meaningfully at Tamayu, who shrugged sulkily. “And anyway, Auntie is still young enough and pretty enough to catch any man who takes her fancy.”
“I suppose you’re right. Auntie hasn’t gotten around to having to rely on her wits, yet,” Tamayu said spitefully, and in spite of my own worries, I laughed at her acid comment and then was ashamed. I found it in my heart to feel sorry for Auntie and hoped that she would make up her quarrels with her lover. Apart from anything else, if she were happy with her own man it would surely stop her doting on Seemon.
In any event, Auntie’s watchful presence meant that I dared find no excuse to avoid Lord Dai.
My patron stroked my hair, smiling his pleasure at my company. I thought I knew what he wanted. Of late, he had come to demand that I stand in front of him naked while he called orders to me. He wanted to watch me stroke my breasts. Part my black moss and rub my private places. It took me a while to understand that he also wanted to think I was taking great pleasure out of the performance. As it appeared to please him greatly when I did, I soon learned to moan and close my eyes and push out my breasts in a parody of delight. He never seemed to realize that my mind was absent from my body, that I was putting on a performance worthy of anything he might see at the kabuki. And as for me, if i
t made him burst his fruit quickly without him actually touching me, it was well worth it.
I was actually beginning to undo my robe in anticipation of his request when he stopped me.
“No, my dear Terue. The moon is full tonight, have you noticed?” I had. It was so bright it put the scented lamp in my room to shame. “And the face of the moon god is plain to see in it. I have been waiting for such a night. I went back to my witch a few weeks ago, and she told me that the gods had decided to reward my patience. That on the first night when the moon shone like this, I would finally be healed. That is why I went to Sensoji, to make an offering and to pray that she was right.”
I tried to take a deep breath, but no air reached my panting lungs. I made a sound like a very young kitten mewing, and Lord Dai seemed delighted. My baby. Oh, my baby. Nobody but your father should ever touch me. And now this nasty old man was ready to take me at last. I felt sickness rise in my throat and swallowed convulsively.
My patron was so pleased with himself he didn’t even notice my expression.
“Ah, you have been so very patient. I knew all along that I was right, that you really were the one. And tonight, we will both be rewarded for our long wait.”
“I am truly delighted, my lord,” I lied. “Would you care for some sake?” Anything to put off the final moment.
“Later, perhaps. But now, look what I have for you!”
He leaned back, flicking his robe aside. I shuddered as I saw his tree of flesh rearing with all the vigor of a young man. It wasn’t exceptionally large. And, oddly, it wasn’t as wrinkled as the rest of his ugly, old man’s body. But still I stared at it and felt sick. He intended to put that into me, into the place that only Seemon had a right to be. Where my baby had been safe—until now.
He wagged his tree at me and I froze. I could think of nothing that would stop him. Suddenly, I remembered how he loved it when I took him in my mouth. I shuddered at the thought of his seed flowing hot and thick down my throat, but even that was better than taking him inside me.
I kept my eyes closed as my lips closed around his tree. Even blind, I knew it was not going to be as easy as I had hoped. Normally, when I took him in my mouth, my danna moaned and bucked his hips in ecstasy. Tonight, he lay supine and relaxed. I heard him sigh with pleasure, but that was all. I was barely surprised when his hands fastened in my hair and he pulled my lips away from him.
“It is good that you should think of my pleasure rather than your own, Terue-chan,” he said tenderly. “But the time for waiting is over. And our time has finally come.”
I stared at him, transfixed as the rabbit that cowers in the shadow of the soaring eagle. He leaned forward and undid my sash, allowing my robe to fall away. Hope rose in my mind. Surely, he would notice my swollen breasts? My rounded belly? Notice and question? And if he did that, I would be saved. I would confess to him at once that I had taken a lover, and he would be so angry he would turn his face from me. Auntie would be incandescent with rage, but it didn’t matter. As soon as Seemon returned, we would leave Japan together. Forever.
My hope died almost as soon as it came. My patron simply didn’t see what was before his eyes. He lowered his head and suckled at my breasts. The pain was exquisite and I moaned. Lord Dai seemed to find my response pleasing. He raised his head and smiled at me, his brown stumps of teeth exposed. He gestured that I should lie back on the futon. I could not, would not, move. When my frozen limbs refused to obey his command, he shook his head at me, smiling, and put his hands on my shoulders. I pushed against him, but his strength was amazing. He seemed to move me effortlessly, as if I were no more than a child’s cloth doll. I stared at him in disbelief and saw his eyes were not just shining, but the pupils were unnaturally huge. I knew, instantly, that the witch had given him more than good news. What potion had she offered that gave him such bodily strength and made his tree rear with all the vigor of a young man?
Still, I tried. I wriggled like a fish beneath his hands, desperately trying to get away. He was having none of it. His grip on my shoulders was iron. I swung my legs sideways, and in response, he loosed one hand and grabbed my knee and forced my legs wide apart. I tried to resist, but his strength was astounding. In the past, had he been a younger man, or even a man I was fond of, I would have described him as a tender would-be lover. But tonight, all was different.
He shoved his leg between my thighs and put his hand back on my shoulder, forcing me to be still. His other hand delved into my black moss, his fingernails ripping and tearing at my dry flesh. I shrieked with dread and pain but immediately wished I had stayed silent. Lord Dai seemed to delight in my terror. His tree of flesh followed his probing hand. A moment later, he was pounding at me, pinning me flat with his own body.
His mouth smothered my lips. I couldn’t move. Could barely breathe. Could think of nothing but my baby, so cruelly violated by this hideous old man. My own pain was nothing compared to that.
I thought he would never finish. No matter how I tried to get away, his body kept me prisoner beneath him. I scratched and bit at any part of him I could reach, only stopping when I realized my actions were arousing him even more. In the end, I did the only thing I could. I stayed still and silent, simply enduring until he had finished. Bitterly, I realized that at least he would have no reason to believe I was not whole. I was so very dry and rigid that he had to fight to push his tree into me, and every movement was agony for me.
Just as I thought I was going to scream out loud with the pain and the horror of it, Lord Dai finally slowed. I felt him burst his fruit, his seed hot and copious as he jetted into me. He lurched off me and lay on his back, gasping for air. I hoped with the fury of shame that perhaps it had been too much for his old heart and that he would trouble me no more, but I was denied even that sour comfort.
After a moment, he rolled over and my skin crawled as he thrust my legs apart again and inspected my black moss carefully. Finally, he grunted with apparent satisfaction and stood, gathering his robe around his shoulders.
“I shall leave you to your sleep, Terue-chan,” he murmured. “I hope that you will sleep as well as I know I shall, and that your dreams are very beautiful. We will speak again very soon.”
He bowed deeply and respectfully before he turned and walked away.
My tears came as soon as the screen door slid closed. I cried silently, my tears more silver than the light of the full moon. He had hurt me, badly, but I didn’t care about that. I would heal. I supposed that in time the memory of my violation at his hands might even lessen. But my baby, what about her? I recalled Lord Dai staring at my black moss and appearing to be very pleased. Fear gripped me tightly. I forced my hand down to touch my private parts. I was sticky—of course—but when I raised my hand to the moonlight I saw that my fingers were black with the blood that smeared them.
My baby. Oh, my baby. I moaned, my fist balled into my mouth. I prayed out loud that the blood was from where Lord Dai had forced himself into my dryness. But I couldn’t be sure.
Instinct ruled me, forcing me to my feet. I needed my friends. The tea house was silent around me as I staggered down the corridor and out into the garden. Gravel bit into my feet as I crossed to the Hidden House. Later, I would find that my feet had been cut badly, but at the time I didn’t notice at all. I banged on the door with my fists and my head and fell into the hall when it was jerked open. I lay on the floor and stared wildly up at the shocked faces of the geisha from the Hidden House.
Nami gathered her wits first. She bent down and tried to lift me up, but she was not strong enough on her own. Gin took one arm and Hiromi the other, and with Nami’s hands gripping my waist, the girls hauled me up between them and Gin kicked the door shut with her foot.
My friends walked me down the corridor, supporting me tenderly. It was only when we arrived at the reception room I had seen before that they allowed me to slip to the tatami and began to ask questions.
“What is it? You’re hurt. What happened?” N
ami rubbed my frozen hands anxiously. “Oh, your poor feet! You walked across without geta?”
“They don’t matter,” I said dully. “Lord Dai. He went to the temple and prayed and the gods heard him. He took me. His witch must have given him something to enhance his tree. He was so strong, I couldn’t fight him. I tried, but it was no good.” The tears came again, and I could find no words.
“Shush, dear.” Gin put her arms around me and rocked me to and fro as if I were a child who had fallen and injured herself. “I know, it’s very bad. But you knew it would happen eventually. At least neither he nor anybody else will ever be able to hurt you like this again.”
“It’s not me. I don’t care about me.” I stared at them, their outlines blurred by my tears. “I don’t matter. It’s my baby. I think he must have hurt her.”
The hiss of indrawn breath was like a shout in the silence. I wiped my eyes and wished I hadn’t as I saw their shocked faces.
“Baby?” Nami put her hands on each side of my face and made me look at her. “You’re sure?”
I nodded.
The geisha looked at each other, and to my intense relief asked no more questions. Gin told me briskly to get to my feet and the girls walked me down to the bath. Once I was up to my neck in the steaming water, I felt some of my pain leave me.
The geisha stared at each other until finally Gin shrugged and took charge.
“How far gone are you?”
“About five months. Perhaps nearly six.”
They stared at my body, distorted by the scalding hot water.
“One would never know,” Hiromi commented, and I managed a smile, grateful that they were neither disapproving nor, it seemed, even surprised.
“We always thought Auntie had been very foolish, forbidding you a lover. Who is he? Big after all?”
I shook my head so hard the water rippled across the entire bath.
“No. Never him. Seemon.”