F*cking Frank

by Jen Luerssen

  I’m drenched in grape juice from the waist down as I drag myself back to standing. “Gee, thanks Joe, did you not hear the part where she said NOT to grab the person next to you?”

  He and his friend are laughing hysterically trying to get back to standing. “Aw, Fucking Frank, lighten up. You should have seen your face,” he says in between laughter.

  “Aww, Lucy and Ethel, I warned you,” Mikey calls to us, finger shaking at us, her smile wide.

  We finish up our turn and head back to our shoes. I don’t even attempt to get my boots back on but just grab them and head to where the golf carts are parked.

  “Wait up,” Joe calls, running to catch up with me, his friend tagging along. “Frank, this is Felicity, she’s going to use our shower to rinse off.”

  “Fine,” I say and hop in a cart, waiting for them to get in.

  “Aren’t you chatty?” Felicity points out, and I ignore her.

  “Yeah, Frank isn’t really a friendly guy, don’t take it personally,” Joe says pulling her into his lap as she giggles. “I’m friendly enough.”

  I quickly change my clothes and leave behind Joe and Felicity to do whatever they are going to do. When I return to the stomping booth, Mikey isn’t there. I walk around looking for her and I find Lia and Javier in line for the cider donut eating contest.

  “Oh shit, everyone should just get out of line now, I’ve seen this one eat like three dozen donuts in one sitting,” I tease Lia.

  “Bite my Aerosmith, Frank. It was four dozen.” Lia punches my shoulder. “You going to join us?”

  “Nah, I’m looking for Mikey,” I say rubbing my shoulder, the girl packs a punch. “Have you seen her?”

  A weird couple look passes between them. “She’s in the tasting room,” Javier says.

  “Thanks,” I say. “Good luck donut queen.”

  Lia bows. “The queen needs no luck when cider donuts are involved.”

  Laughing, I make my way into the tasting room which is pretty crowded and much cooler than it is outside. I sneak behind the bar to get a better view and see Mikey at the end of the bar, talking to Sebastian and Archie. Fucker, why is he here? I give myself a mental bitch slap, reminding myself to not be a jealous dickweed, just my normal asshole self.

  Sebass sees me and waves me over. I stay behind the bar and walk to them, needing the barrier so I don’t bash Archie’s face in. The few times he’s helped out with some vine issues I’ve stayed far away from him.

  “Hey Frank, heard you fell in the barrels,” Sebastian ribs. “It’s a rite of passage man, you are now officially a true harvester.”

  “I thought it was bad luck?” Archie chimes in. “You don’t look any worse for the wear.”

  “To be fair, it was Joe and some random chick that took Frank down. He had no choice but to fall,” Mikey defends me. I smile, lean in and kiss her.

  “Yeah, took one for the team. Changed my clothes and left Joe and his lady friend behind in the cabin.” My eyes are locked on Mikey in self-preservation. I know if this fucker even looks in my direction, I’ll deck him. “Want to go for a walk?” I ask her.

  She nods and I make my way around the bar to take her hand. “See you guys later,” she says.

  “Michelina, I just got here,” Archie says, acting put out.

  “That’s nice, enjoy yourself,” she says and gives him a little wave, turns and pulls me out of there.

  “Fucking dick lick who does he think he is? He knows I hate being called Michelina, and he has zero right to be territorial with me.” She’s mumbling and stomping through the crowd toward our little orchard. “‘Michelina, I just got here,’” she mocks him. “Like I give a fuck.”

  I tug on her to slow her down until we are side by side. “Do you?” I ask her. “Do you give a fuck?”

  She stops short. “Oh shit, I’m letting him get to me. I’m so sorry, Frank, you’re right.”

  “What am I right about?”

  “I was getting too worked up, I really don’t care that he’s here, that he’s acting like he’s jealous and being weird and possessive.” We get to the double swing and she sits. “You are the first serious relationship I’ve had since he dumped me, and I guess it’s bothering him. Should I be pissed or happy he’s miserable?”

  I laugh because she’s funny when she’s riled up. “I vote for the schadenfreude. Let’s rejoice in his misfortune of losing someone as special as you.”

  She snuggles into me and I know I’ve said the right thing, amazingly enough. “I’m so tired and crazed from harvest and we haven’t even started the real work yet. I’m so glad you’re here to support me, even if I only see you when I’m passing out at two in the morning. Being able to cuddle up next to you in bed restores me.”

  I kiss the top of her head and pull her into my lap. We rock there for a while and it’s exactly what we both needed to get through the rest of the day. “I love you, Mikey.”

  “Fucking Frank, I love your hot ass too,” she says and kisses along my jawline.

  “My hot ass has to go play music in about ten minutes but we can make out until then.” She sits up in my lap and immediately plants her lips to mine. Guess she likes the idea.

  F*cking Harvest

  A WEEK LATER MIKEY AND Sebastian deem the grapes ready for harvest and the crush begins. Since the Monkey is a small winery and they are able to get volunteer pickers and can afford to hire extra people, they handpick their harvest instead of a mechanical harvest. Mikey tells me her parents do a combination. For their large-scale popular wines, they use mechanical harvesting but for their reserve wines they hand pick. Both ways can make great wine, but with handpicking the person is able to discern whether a bunch is ripe and worthy of becoming wine. She tells me that mechanical harvesters pick rotten grapes and can’t tell the difference between a bunch of grapes and a clump of mud. It’s been controversial for years but much quicker than people when you have acres and acres of grapes.

  I’ve been paired up with Jen since Mae is sick today and Andrew is caring for her since he’s not seen her in a week. Jen is one of my favorite people because she is quiet and doesn’t ask me 500,000 questions like other people in my life.

  She and I have flat baskets and when that basket gets full we transport it to a large bin at the end of the row. We are picking pinot grapes and they are perfectly ripe, I’m told. We were shown what a perfect bunch looks like and so far, we’ve only found a few bad bunches.

  It’s back-breaking work but fun being outside and working with my hands. Jen and I are in one row with several other workers including Joe, Colette, and some regulars at the winery I recognize. The tasting room is technically a bar and most patrons buy the $5 tasting flight and go on to the next winery. Then there are the regulars who come a few days a week and buy full glasses and bottles. I guess you’d say they’re invested so they happily pitch in at crush time.

  There is also a small collective of Mexican migrants who Sebastian sponsors every fall. He says it feels exploitative but is one of the only ways he can afford to run his business and he’s really good to them. They also get students majoring in oenology or viticulture who want to get interning credits and experience.

  I’m sweaty, thirsty, and exhausted but feel like I’ve been a part of something at the end of the day. Today is the fifth day of picking and my back hurts and my feet ache, but I am having the time of my life.

  “Look at you and all those fat grapes in your basket! I’m so turned on right now.” Mikey squeezes my ass from behind and I almost drop the basket. “I think if you were wearing overalls I’d likely die of horniness.”

  I turn to her and smile. She is stunning. Her nose is sprinkled with freckles, her crumpled straw cowboy hat is barely containing her wild hair, and she’s beaming at me. Me, some dumb fuck who lucked out in meeting my soul mate at birth and then again 33 years later.

  “Hey, sweetheart, you look good enough to eat,” I say.

  “Hmm, sweet talker, I guarantee I don’t
smell it.”

  My eyes narrow at her. “Stop talking like that before I strip you down and have you sit on my face in front of poor Jen and our new friend Miguel.” I gesture to Jen, looking semi-horrified and Miguel laughing at me.

  “Well, I’m here to take you away, you’re done for the day, follow me,” she says and takes my basket, dumps the grapes in the bin and sets it on the ground. “Sorry, Jen, I’m stealing your partner.”

  “It’s fine, Miguel and I have it under control,” she says giving me a little push on my back. “Go get some, Frankie.”

  I follow Mikey to a golf cart and we head to her cabin. When we get there, Mikey crowds me into the bathroom where she undresses me, then herself and pushes me into the shower.

  “You’re awfully bossy right now,” I say, bending to kiss her octopus. “Do I smell that badly?”

  “No, but I only have an hour and I wanted to spend every minute with you. I miss you and can’t continue to work this hard without being with you, holding you, and hopefully fucking you in this shower really quick.”

  I laugh and kiss her. We get clean quickly and then we get dirty. I even give her the spa foot treatment she loves so much. After we are dried and dressed she leads me into the dining room where she has lunch set up for us.

  “I had our chef make a quick lunch for us. I get a lot of perks during crush, one of them is meals on demand,” she says as we sit down. There’s soup, salad and grilled cheese with bacon.”

  We dig in and just enjoy being together. She is explaining what comes next in the harvesting process and all of the things that will be occupying her time soon.

  “Should we talk about it?” I ask, knowing she knows exactly what I mean.

  “About you leaving in a week?”

  I nod, “I would stay here if I could, but it’s not possible yet. I’ll come up as much as I can. If you’re free you can come see me. We will have hours of phone and FaceTime sex and it won’t be forever.”

  She lets out a breath. “Oh, thank fuck. I thought you were going to say we had to split.”

  “Mikey, I love you and splitting is the last thing on my mind. It physically hurts to think about leaving you next week. We’ve been so close, physically and emotionally, it will be jarring to be so far apart. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make this work.” I get up and stand next to her. Her hand goes in mine and I pull her up to my embrace.

  We stand like that for a while, just holding each other and I can’t imagine anything more right in the world. Eventually, she backs up to look at me and I hold her precious face in my hands. She turns to kiss my hand and then lean into it. “I’m going to miss your cranky ass.”

  “My ass is never cranky,” I say.

  “Ha! Just this morning you refused to sit with me and drink coffee because I was watching Property Brothers,” she says and our easy banter comforts me.

  “That show is ridiculous, one completely designs and builds the remodel and the other one looks up properties on the internet, how is that an even distribution of work?”

  “You are so ridiculous and I love you too, Fucking Frank.” She kisses me again and I am imagining the long hours I’m going to spend trying to remember how it felt to kiss her, hold her and talk to her whenever I want.

  We head back to work, feeling refreshed and happy. For the next week, we work non-stop and try to capture moments like this as often as we can.

  F*cking See You Later

  MY EL CAMINO IS PACKED and Joe is waiting for me at the main building. Our residency has come to an end and I feel like it was the best, fastest, and nuttiest five months of my life. Mikey and I are sitting in our swing in our little orchard. Yes, it’s ours now, I decided.

  We are both silent in our thoughts, and despite the fact that I’m coming back up in a few days, it feels like a terrible end.

  “You’re sure you can come Wednesday night?” she asks.

  “Yep, I have a two-day session booked and then I’m free until Saturday. I need to help my mom in the store that day,” I answer.

  “Why does that seem like an eternity away and then the shortest visit ever?”

  “Because we’ve been up each other’s asses for the past 150 days?”

  “You counted the days?” she asks me, looking at me like I did something other than math.

  “Every day with you counts,” I say and she pretend vomits.

  “Nooooo! Where did my grumpy Frank go, he would never.”

  “I would say you changed me but you’d probably take offense.”

  “I am a game changer but we can we just agree that we are enhanced versions of ourselves when we are together?”

  “Super Frank and Wonder Mikey?” I ask pinching her side.

  “Yeah, Mikey wonders why you are the way you are. Super grumpy.”

  I lean in and kiss her, savoring the moment, as it has to last me three days. “I’ll see you later, sweetheart.”

  “See you later, Frank.” She stands when I do but stays at the swing as I walk away. It feels all wrong and my heart hurts. Fortunately, I have to drive with Joe so I can take out my feelings on him. He can take it.

  * * *

  We are back in the city in a little over an hour. The weather is crappy so there’s not a lot of tourist traffic. I help Joe bring his stuff in and have a cup of coffee with him and Jack, happy to hear all about his European adventures.

  I make it to my apartment and Sheldon is home for a change. He and I suit up and go out to catch a few waves. I tell him about my summer and he tells me about his. Poor Sheldon has a similar affliction to mine. He just wants a girlfriend but every woman he meets he ends up sleeping with right away. Lia was one of his one-night stands, that’s how I met him. It very rarely leads to a second date and then poor Sheldon takes it personally. I’d tell him to maybe change up his tactics but guys are rarely easily talked out of sex. He told me sometimes the women tell him up front they only want sex so he sleeps with them in the hopes that they’ll change their mind. They never do.

  “I met this woman and I thought for sure it was different this time. We talked for hours and connected on so many levels. Then, poof! She was gone. I even got a fake number,” he says splashing his hand on the surf.

  “Did you fuck her?” I ask, since he suspiciously left that part out.

  He sighs. “Yes, but it was different. It was sweet but sexy and she came like six times. I’m not one to brag about stuff like that, but I was impressed.”

  He is not one to brag, I’ve seen the dude naked and he is packing what my friend Paul would call a “lady splitter.” I feel for the guy. He’s a bit socially awkward, I mean he is into miniatures, but takes good care of himself, has a good job and loves animals. Not sure why women aren’t lining up to date him.

  “Why do you think she ghosted on you?”

  He shrugs, “I honestly don’t know. I mean, the sex was amazing, but I felt comfortable with her like I’ve known her for years. Like we shared something.” We sit there staring at the shore, the waves not super great today. “I know you hate shit like that, but I thought since you are all mated up with Mikey, you may get my drift.”

  “I do, I get it,” I say and mean it. “It corny but it’s like she and I share a familiarity and she’s convinced that since we were born in the same place on the same day, that our connection is abnormally strong. I tend to agree with her, but I don’t believe in that paranormal crap so I just think it’s all coincidence. A super unlikely one? Yes, but I think we work because we have similar interests, are insanely attracted to each other and our personalities are well suited.”

  “I know it sounds silly, having only spent one night with her, but sometimes the connection you feel with someone is instant, and my opinion is those connections should be cherished and nurtured. Obviously, she feels differently.” He gives me a half smile and I feel bad for the dude. “I’m going to try to catch one more wave and head in. You coming?”

  “I’ll be in soon,” I reply, not ready
to leave the water just yet.

  The surf picks up a little and I manage a few rides before I head back to my place. I rinse off in our outdoor shower I built years ago with my landlord’s full blessing. It keeps the sand in our apartment to a minimum. I lock up my board and hang my wetsuit on the line and head upstairs. It’s a rare mild evening and so I take my nuked burrito and beer out to our front steps to watch the sunset. My phone rings a few minutes later and it’s Mikey.

  “Hey, sweetheart, I was just thinking about you,” I say because I’m always thinking of her.

  “Aww, what else do you think about? Cars and guitars?” She laughs and I miss her with a fierceness.

  “You naked on cars and naked playing guitars? Yes.”

  “What else are you doing?” she asks.

  “Just sitting on my steps, watching the sunset. Caught a few waves this afternoon and I’m wiped. Two surf outings in five months is not enough to stay in shape. I’m going to be hurting tomorrow.”

  “I’m jealous, it’s so hot up here and our crushing is almost done. I’m supervising some primary fermentation and Sebass and I are arguing about blends. It’s almost enough business to keep my mind off of missing you, but not quite.”

  “I miss you too,” I say and I really do. “It’s only for a few days, and we will work it out.”

  She lets out a long breath. “I know, I’m just tired and hungry and nauseous all at once. I’m waiting on a food delivery from the kitchen. I love this time of year because it’s the meat of winemaking, but I also like the aging process.”

  “Isn’t that when the wine just sits for months to ferment?” I ask.

  “Yes, it’s a glorious time,” she says with a chuckle.

  “When does that start?”

  “Not for a month or so. There are a lot of other steps I won’t bore you with and different varietals require different processes so like I said, it’s boring but everything should be put to bed by early December.”

  “So that’s when I’ll be able to drag you down to the city more?”