The Self-Driven Child

by William Stixrud

  The Enthusiast: “My kid is motivated—just not about school.”

  Over the years, Bill has seen hundreds of kids who had relatively low academic motivation but were extremely motivated about something else—crafting, music, sports, or making Star Wars replicas. What he says to the parents of these kids is that so long as they are working hard at something they really enjoy doing, he’s not worried, because he knows they’re shaping a brain that will eventually enable them to be successful. And Bill tells kids, “Working hard to get better and better at something that’s important to you is one of the best things you can do for your brain.” (An exception here may be video games, which aren’t all bad, but require more nuance. We’ll get into the impact of technology on the developing brain in Chapter Nine.) He tells the kids that it would be good if they could apply this sense of total immersion to something school related, and that he believes they are fully capable of doing so.

  Ken Robinson is one of the leading thinkers in the area of finding your passion, and his book The Element: How Finding Your Passion Changes Everything emphasizes the importance of looking for that intersection of passion and skill. While it’s not a book that will necessarily capture the imagination of your average seventh grader, parents can share its stories—from that of Simpson’s creator Matt Groening, who had little interest in school but was always fanatical about drawing, to famous choreographer Gillian Lynne, who could never sit still in class as a child but thrived in a dance school. Stories like these can provoke a healthy discussion about what it means to want something and how to connect the dots to get there.16

  Sebastian was a high school junior at an extremely demanding suburban high school when he came to Bill’s office for testing. He had a 2.3 cumulative GPA, which, he said, was as low as it was because he did “no work at all—seriously, I never do any work.” He described his skill at “manipulating” his teachers to get them to give him passing grades. Sebastian assumed that he had a very limited future because of his school performance. He thought he probably would not be able to get into college, and would end up working a bunch of low-paying jobs. But he was passionately involved in a local county rescue squad. In fact, he was staying up most of the night on Thursdays and Saturdays helping people with true emergencies.

  To Sebastian’s surprise (actually shock), Bill asked him if he had ever thought of dropping out of high school. “Why would you say that?” he asked.

  “It seems like a waste of your time,” Bill said, “not to mention of your teacher’s time, to spend six hours a day doing something you care so little about, and spending so much of your energy resisting, lying, faking, and manipulating your teachers.” Then Bill said, “Why don’t you think about doing rescue work full time?” He told Sebastian that he hadn’t actually screwed up his whole life by being a poor student—that kids can flunk all their classes in high school and then, if they decide they want an education, start at a community college (which are open enrollment), and once they have about thirty credits they can apply to virtually any college without having to show their high school transcript. Bill asked Sebastian to think about what would be in his own best interest and said they’d talk again.

  When Bill met with Sebastian’s parents the following week to discuss the test results, he was a little nervous, particularly when he learned that both parents were university professors. Bill thought there was a pretty good chance they would not be pleased by his conversation with their son. To his surprise, they started the meeting by thanking Bill for talking so frankly with Sebastian, who had left the office in a much more energetic and upbeat mood than they had seen him in for some time. They went on to say that he had announced a new plan that involved starting at a local community college and ending up with a degree in fire science from one of the major universities in greater Washington, DC. Later, Bill learned that on his own initiative, Sebastian had explored the possibility of dropping out of school but he had learned that if he did so, he would no longer be able to participate in the rescue squad. Newly informed and now motivated, he immediately started to do better in school. He agreed to work with a good tutor and gave up his all-night gig with the rescue squad on Thursdays. But he also saw school in a different context. Bill heard from Sebastian’s mom two months later. She said his GPA was now 3.6 and asked if Bill could see Sebastian’s sister, who had always been a good student but who, after Sebastian’s turnaround, was nervous about the fact that, unlike her brother, she did not have a true passion.

  While this story had a happy ending, it begs the question: what can you do if you parent a kid like Sebastian?

  As a rule-out step, we’d recommend that if he is not at all motivated for school, you have him evaluated for a learning disability, depression, anxiety, or ADHD. Assuming that is not the case, treat him respectfully, but also give him an accurate model of reality. You’d be surprised at how many kids will listen to your suggestions if they feel you’re taking them seriously. So if your son says he wants to get an athletic scholarship and play baseball for Duke, ask him how he wants to get there. Suggest sitting down together at the computer and researching academic requirements and statistics on recruitment. Help him explore what he needs to do to accomplish his goal.

  If supporting kids in the pursuit of their nonacademic interests is a good move, then withholding those interests as a punishment is quite obviously a bad one. We get where the impulse to withhold sports or extracurricular activities comes in—there’s only so much time in the day, and if your high schooler can’t find the time to do his homework because he’s too exhausted by everything else, what message are you sending about priorities if you let him put extracurriculars above academics?

  This logic sort of makes sense. But the science doesn’t back it up. Remember, if a kid isn’t motivated by school, he’s not motivated by school, and you can’t make him want to do better. Taking away something that does motivate him isn’t going to solve the problem, and may, on the contrary, further dampen his motivation.

  The Eeyore: “My kid isn’t motivated to do anything. He doesn’t seem to know what he wants.”

  It’s common for teenagers to go through periods of diminished motivation, reminding you perhaps of Eeyore from Winnie-the-Pooh stories. If it goes on for more than two or three weeks, or comes on shockingly suddenly, then there may be cause for concern. Request a thorough medical evaluation to rule out medical causes for apathy and, if necessary, a psychological or psychiatric assessment to screen for depression and/or drug use.

  Once you rule out more serious problems, you can encourage Eeyores to get involved in service activities and negotiate limits on TV and video games. You can expose them to things you think they might enjoy. But the most important thing you can do is express confidence that they will find something they love to do. We recognize that this is tough to swallow, but it helps to remember that finding a passion is not something you can do for your kid.

  You can also emphasize the importance of self-awareness. It’s astonishing to us how many kids have never asked themselves what it is they want, or have never had someone ask it of them. They’re too busy either trying to please others, or rebelling against others’ control. But they need to think for themselves about themselves. They need to consider their special talents and life purpose. They should ask, “What do I want? What do I love to do?” You can help them ask these questions, even if you can’t supply the answers. Hard as it may be to accept this, it’s your child’s responsibility to find interests and motivation in life.

  Help your kids pay attention to what they’re good at. Many Eeyores will dismiss their natural talents: “Oh, anybody can do that,” they’ll incorrectly assert. “If I’m good at it, it must be easy.” They often overlook their talents and focus instead on other areas that are someone else’s greatest strength. When they find themselves lacking, it just justifies their gloomy outlook.

  If they don’t feel they have an area of obvious strength,
they should ask, “What can I do at least as well as most people?” This can then lead to other bigger questions like, “What might be my purpose? What do I need help with? How can I get myself to do what I want and/or need to do?” It’s at the intersection of interest, talent, and self-awareness that kids are able to find a sense of direction. What they find in their youth may not be the area they ultimately develop, but it’s an important step.

  Bill worked with a girl with language-based learning disabilities from the age of five through her second year in college. When Lette was fourteen, her mother expressed concern that although Lette did her homework adequately and generally did what her parents asked of her, she did not seem to have any true passions in life. Bill told her that while we should from time to time make suggestions about things we think may be of interest to our kids, this is not the kind of thing one can force. It has to happen on its own—and often happens in unforeseen ways.

  When Bill saw Lette’s mother again six months later to discuss a school-related issue, she said, “Oh, by the way, Lette has gotten involved with the Washington Animal Rescue League and seems to really enjoy it.” Over the next several months, Lette became deeply invested in her work there and by the end of the year she could list all the shelters and rescuable dogs in the greater DC area. Bill knew better than to be surprised. A situation that may seem hopeless will often change because life changes. Opportunities come out of nowhere.

  Rescue work became a true passion for Lette, who found in it a meaningful way to apply her love of animals. Three years later, as a junior in high school, she did an internship in early childhood education. What she found was that she was able to apply the same dedication and absorption she had devoted to animal rescue to her work with young children. Lette then became a highly motivated student of child development and preschool education. She recently graduated from college with a degree in early childhood education and is enjoying her first job as a teacher of young children.

  Many Eeyores are homebodies who resist doing anything new or different and have a narrowly defined comfort zone. They often prefer to read or play solo or do video games rather than engage in more active tasks, and they are commonly reluctant to put themselves in unfamiliar social situations. Many parents say that if they didn’t nag their Eeyores continuously they’d never get out of the house.

  It’s very hard to resist the tendency to nag Eeyores repeatedly; however, this never motivates them to try new things. It may be helpful to know that Eeyores commonly lack flexibility and confidence in their ability to adapt to new situations, which can lead to anxiety about trying new things. Also, because these kids are rarely “social naturals,” they may have anxiety about the social demands placed on them outside the home or the classroom. Helping Eeyores thus requires a combination approach:

  Stay calm and focus on maintaining a strong relationship with your child—which frequent cajoling undermines. Remember that some people have fewer interests and smaller friendship groups throughout their lives, and are perfectly happy.

  Ask your child if she would like to feel more comfortable in new situations—to feel less nervous about them. If she says yes, you could suggest that she work with an expert who knows how to help kids feel more confident about taking on new challenges.

  Tell your child that you feel it is your responsibility as a parent to expose her to the world and that you would rather not have to nag her constantly to try new things and ask her what she would suggest you do. Negotiate a reasonable “compromise” between your desire for your child to be active and engaged most of the time and her desire to do as little as possible that’s unfamiliar or challenging.

  Physical activity can be motivating to all kinds of kids. See if you can interest your Eeyore (with a short-term reward if necessary) in engaging in an individual sport that most kids don’t do, like fencing, rock climbing, or judo.

  The Hermione Granger: “My kid is stressed out of her mind. In her view, it’s Yale or nothing.”

  Some kids will get caught up in a competitive school environment or are wired to acquire as many accolades as they can. Harry Potter’s friend Hermione Granger falls squarely into this category. Most often, the pressure they feel comes from their parents or teachers, although kids also infect each other with anxiety and competitiveness.

  Hermiones are intensely—even unhealthily—driven to excel or to live up to someone else’s expectations. Their motivation is largely fear based, as they experience anxiety about not being able to achieve the high goals they’ve set for themselves—or that others have set for them. They tend to have a very low sense of control and to feel “existentially impotent,” to borrow the words of Julie Lythcott-Haims, former Stanford dean and author of How to Raise an Adult.17

  Obviously, if the pressure is coming from mom and dad, the solution is simple: stop pressuring them. Even if you are proud of your child, she may come to believe that she is loved because of her accomplishments. Most commonly, this is just an issue of communication that needs to be repaired.

  But if you have told her, “Look, I don’t care about your grades or where you go to school,” and still she is anxious and fearful, the fixes are more complicated.

  We recently gave a talk about the effects of stress and sleep deprivation on the developing brain to a classroom of highly stressed and exhausted eleventh-grade AP English students. The students were courteous, took notes, and asked good questions, and they seemed to like the idea that they would ultimately be more successful if they were not chronically tired and stressed. When the talk was over, however, their teacher pulled us aside and said, “Every one of these kids think that if they don’t get into Yale, they’ll end up working at McDonald’s.” This is very similar to what we were told by an English teacher at an elite independent school in Washington, namely that by the time the kids hit ninth grade “they’re all terrified” at the thought of not getting into a prestigious college.

  So how do you even begin to fix this? How do you encourage internal motivation for a kid who is so reliant on external signs of achievement? First ask her if she’d be willing to hear some information that might help her to work with a lot of motivation but maybe a little less fear and anxiety. If she is, tell her the truth: that where you go to college does not make an enormous difference to your success in life. Share proof of this with her. Researchers Stacy Berg Dale and Alan Krueger have followed the career trajectories of the same class of high school graduates for decades. Among students who had comparable SAT scores, whether or not they went to an elite college made little difference in their earning potential. This was true whether they applied to and were rejected from the same elite schools, or whether they were accepted to the elite schools but chose to go to another, less selective college.18 Another study from Gallup and Purdue University found that the type of college students attended (e.g., public versus private; highly selective versus less selective) made very little difference to their workplace engagement and well-being. The factors that best predicted well-being were those more intrinsic to the college experience itself, such as: 1) having a professor who showed personal interest in them, stimulated them to learn, and encouraged them; 2) having an internship or job in college that allowed them to apply what they were learning; and 3) being actively involved in extracurricular activities or projects that took a semester or more to complete.19 Also, a study conducted in 2013 through the Pew Research Center found that graduates from public and private colleges reported equal levels of life satisfaction, including satisfaction with family life and personal finances, as well as job satisfaction.20 What these studies suggest is that if you’re bright and motivated, it doesn’t much matter where you go to school. For some kids, knowing this makes it a bit easier to pay attention to what’s really important to them.

  You can also share the big-fish-little-pond theory with your Hermione. This idea, developed by Herbert Marsh,21 holds that you see yourself in a more positi
ve light if you perform well in relation to your peer group. So, being a standout at a lesser-known school is often better in the long run than getting lost in the crowd at a more competitive school. In his book David and Goliath, Malcolm Gladwell told the story of a high-achieving student determined to go into science at Brown. She found the environment at Brown demoralizing, and let go of her science focus. At another, less competitive school, she may have given her natural interest more of a chance to bloom. Gladwell wrote, “Rarely do we stop and consider . . . whether the most prestigious of institutions is always in our best interest.”22 Ask your child to think about whether it may be good for her to be a bigger fish in a smaller pond.

  Help your Hermione see that while it can be frightening to fail at something, a poor grade does not translate to a permanently closed door. In fact, it can be liberating—as we saw with one friend of ours who failed an AP Music Theory class her freshman year of high school. While she was terrified initially, it ended up freeing her from a paralyzing fear of not achieving a GPA of 4.0. When she saw that the worst-case scenario actually didn’t destroy her or close off her future, she was more empowered to take risks and more capable of living her life without feeling that a monster was chasing her around every turn. And that, ultimately, made her more successful.

  When Bill’s kids were in elementary school, he made a point of telling them that there was a low correlation between grades in school and success in life. He said that while he would look at their report cards if they wanted him to, he was much more concerned about their development as students and as people. They generally seemed to believe him and were happy that their mother and he were not on them constantly about their grades. Then one night when Bill’s daughter was a junior in high school, she came to hear one of his lectures about the adolescent brain, at which he shared a number of the ideas discussed in this book. On the way home, she said, “I bet you don’t really believe that part about high school grades not being so important for success in life.”