The Self-Driven Child

by William Stixrud

  Bill asked her why she thought this. She replied that her teachers and school counselors had always spoken about how important it was to be a good student (which she was). Bill assured her that, based on considerable research, he did believe it. To prove it, he offered to pay her a hundred dollars if she got a C on her report card, in any subject. He did this because he would have been perfectly happy for her to have the experience of having a C on her transcript and to see that her world did not end, that all her options for the future did not foreclose, and that she could still create a meaningful life. (She never took him up on it.)

  Ned tells every Hermione he encounters (and he comes across a lot of them) that the most important thing she can do is develop the brain she wants for the rest of her life. Does she want a brain that’s so stressed and tired that she is easily anxious and depressed thereafter? Does she want a workaholic brain? Or does she want a brain that is powerful, but also happy and resilient? Like Ned does, you can say, “You’re clearly bright enough to do this. The question is whether it’s healthy for your long-term development and consistent with your highest values.” Then encourage her to think about her highest values, what’s truly most important to her, and ask her to consider whether, when she thinks about them, she’s driving herself in the right direction. Then help her set goals that are values based, because when we set goals we’re in control of, our minds are happy. We’ll talk much more about goal setting in Chapter Ten when we discuss the mental strategies that help kids succeed.

  What to Do Tonight

  Support autonomy, support autonomy, support autonomy.

  Explore where your child’s true inner motivation lies. You can do this by asking when in life he or she feels “really happy.” Kids with a healthy self-drive will commonly think of times when they perform well in school or in sports, are engaged in pleasurable pastimes, or do something fun with their friends or family. In contrast, kids who are obsessively motivated or have difficulty sustaining motivation and effort will often say that they feel happiest when they have no responsibilities, when nothing is expected of them, and when they feel no pressure.

  Make a point of speaking with your kids about what it is they want in life. What do they love to do? What do they feel they’re good at? If there’s a reason they’re here, what might that be?

  Help your child articulate (and write down) goals. We will explore this in more depth in Chapter Ten. For now, simply the act of voicing where she wants to get is a remarkably constructive step.

  Encourage flow in any activity by giving your kids the space and time they need to do what they love.

  Teach and model a love of challenge and persistence in the face of difficulty. Attribute positive motivational qualities to young kids (e.g., “I’ve noticed that you don’t give up on things.”).

  Teach your kids not to be overly preoccupied with pleasing others. If they’re focused on external feedback, consider occasionally saying something like, “Everybody feels good when they’re successful at things and get positive feedback from other people. It’s completely normal. My experience, though, is that the wisest thing is to evaluate your own performance and to focus on getting better at doing the right thing.”

  If your child doesn’t seem to have a passion, remember that there are many people and experiences that will positively influence their lives. Seek out mentors or role models in different fields, and expose them to a range of careers and life choices.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Radical Downtime

  IN INDIA’S ANCIENT Vedic tradition, it is said that “rest is the basis of all activity.” Rest, activity, rest, activity. Everything we do requires this alternation. We see this in sports and fitness, where interval training has taught us that much of the benefit of exercise comes from the body’s recovery during rest. We see it in the world of yoga, where each practice ends with the body lying perfectly still. And we see it in the realm of the brain, where daydreaming, meditation, and sleep give the brain rest—consolidating new information and skills in memory and making the brain healthier when it returns to a period of activity. The brain has at least forty resting-state networks, and while we won’t go into all of them in this book, the fact that so much of the brain activates when we’re at rest strongly suggests that rest should be taken seriously. We think of this deep resting of the brain as “radical downtime.”

  It’s hard to argue that our balance of rest and activity is optimal. Our culture does not settle down easily. A recent series of studies found that 64 percent of young men and 15 percent of young women chose to self-administer a mild electric shock rather than sit quietly with their own thoughts for six minutes.1 We do not know how to be without doing. Teens, adults, and increasingly even young children don’t sleep enough and don’t spend enough time on self-reflection, contributing to their feelings of being overloaded and overwhelmed. Parents will describe themselves as “crazy busy,” and a high percentage of the kids we see feel stressed, pressured, and tired.

  There are many forms of downtime. Anything that is relaxing or rejuvenating, like gardening or reading, we’re all for. Yet as the pace of life goes faster, we need to radicalize our downtime. Radical downtime does not mean playing video games, watching TV, surfing YouTube videos, texting with a friend, or participating in organized sports or activities. It means doing nothing purposeful, nothing that requires highly focused thought. This is one of the most powerful things we can do for our brains. It is enormously important as an antidote to the mind-scattering and mind-numbing effects of 24/7 technology and multitasking. Radical downtime allows you to process a backlog of stimuli. Think of the many activities, tasks, and interactions of daily life as snowflakes that fall on your brain in quick succession, making big, unruly piles that seem impossible to navigate around. Radical downtime is the snowplow that comes through and evens them out, giving order to your life so that you can ski on a smooth surface and avoid the gulfs and occasional avalanches that may result from snow piling up in uneven ways. In this chapter, we will delve into two powerful forms of radical downtime: daydreaming and meditation. Sleep is a mammoth piece of radical downtime, and we devote all of Chapter Seven to its importance—and elusiveness—in modern life.

  A Wandering Mind: The Benefits of Daydreaming

  For as long as scientists have studied the brain, they have been captivated by the question of what the brain does when it’s focusing on a task or processing external stimulation. Only recently did they turn to seriously consider what it’s up to the rest of the time. In the mid-1990s, neuroscientist Marcus Raichle noticed that certain parts of the brain go dark when we’re focused on a task or goal. In 1997, he and his colleagues at Washington University grouped together and analyzed these parts of the brain and gave them a name: the default mode network. It wasn’t until 2001 that Raichle published a study that showed what makes the DMN light up: a brain that is alert, but not focused on a task.2 Over the past decade, Raichle has led a new wave of research that suggests that the unfocused downtime that activates the default mode network is absolutely critical for a healthy brain.3

  Every time we blink, our default mode network activates and our conscious networks take a brief rest. Even simply closing your eyes, taking a deep breath, and exhaling can help refresh the brain. When your default mode network is active, you think about yourself, about your past and future, and about problems that need to be resolved, all of which are crucial for developing a sense of self. You consider the experiences and feelings of other people, a process that is important for the development of empathy. The default mode network is where the all-important work of personal reflection takes place. It’s what makes you a thoughtful human being. It allows you to organize your thoughts. It grounds you. Imagine you get into a spat with a friend who said something insensitive. In the hustle and bustle of that day, you don’t have a chance to think about it, other than to know that it was irritating and that you’re mad. Then,
the next morning in the shower, you think, that actually wasn’t such a big deal. I wonder why she said that? Maybe she was having a bad day. I can even sort of see what she had in mind. Every time you replay the scenario, it matters a little bit less. But it takes time to replay the scenario, and if you don’t allow yourself downtime, you just hold on to the anger without seeing what it might become. If the brain develops according to how it is used, how can we develop an understanding of ourselves and of other people other than by thinking about ourselves and other people?

  When we replay scenarios excessively, or when doing so is painful and we engage in negative thought loops, that’s not mind wandering, it’s ruminating. This is an important distinction. You really need unstressed periods of downtime every day.

  When we are in a healthy headspace and have a few minutes of downtime, the DMN allows the brain to analyze and compare, to solve problems, and to create alternate scenarios. But here’s the thing about the DMN: it cannot activate when you’re focused on a task. Researcher Mary Helen Immordino-Yang describes two alternating brain systems: 1) a task-positive or “looking out” system that’s activated when we’re engaged in goal-directed tasks, and 2) a task-negative or resting system that is for “looking in.”4 When we’re focused on external tasks that require concentration, ranging from finding an address to studying for an exam, we shut off our daydreaming, “looking in” part of the brain. And when we daydream, our ability to “look out” and to do an explicit task evaporates.

  Our culture values getting things done. But research shows us just how important it is to do that mind wandering. Jerome Singer, a legendary cognitive psychologist, was the first scientist to suggest that the mental state in which the mind is allowed to wander freely is, in fact, our “default” state. Singer further argued in his 1966 book, Daydreaming, that daydreaming, imagination, and fantasy are essential elements of a healthy mental life. These elements include self-awareness, creative incubation, autobiographical planning, consideration of the meaning of events and interactions, taking another person’s perspective, reflecting on your own and others’ emotions, and moral reasoning.5 All of this leads to what we think of as “aha!” moments. The musician, bestselling writer, and neuroscientist Daniel J. Levitin emphasizes that insights are far more likely to come when you are in the mind-wandering mode than in the task-focused mode. It is only when we let our minds wander that we make unexpected connections between things that we did not realize were connected. This can help you solve problems that previously seemed to be unsolvable.6 (As Carlo Rovelli pointed out in Seven Brief Lessons on Physics, Einstein’s breakthrough on relativity came shortly after a year spent in Italy “loafing aimlessly” and attending occasional lectures.)7

  The more efficient the DMN is at toggling on and off, the better you become at processing life events. When it’s time to pull yourself out of that daydream and to turn back to the many constant stimuli of life, your brain is primed and ready for action. People with an efficient DMN do better on tests of cognitive ability, including measures of memory, flexibility of thought, and reading comprehension. People who are efficient at toggling their DMN on and off also have better mental health.8 It’s like having an efficient stress response, which turns on quickly when needed, and turns off quickly when not. In people with ADHD, anxiety, depression, autism, or schizophrenia, the DMN does not function efficiently. It’s harder for them to toggle back and forth between looking in and looking out, resulting in too much daydreaming or excessive self-focus. When we ruminate, we’re not toggling efficiently—we’re getting stuck in thought when there’s something in front of us we should be focusing on instead.

  We live in a world where “boredom” is a dirty word, and people often compete to see who’s busier, as if their sense of self-worth could be measured by how little time they have. This hyperproductivity trickles down to our kids. Think of your typical American family driving somewhere in the car: the kids want to listen to something, watch something, or play a game. They’ve forgotten how to look out the window, chitchat, or daydream. Psychologist Adam Cox noted that whereas fifty years ago kids might be bored after a couple of hours with nothing to do, nowadays kids become bored after thirty seconds, while most adults feel the need to check their phones in the four seconds it takes to slow down and stop at a stop sign.9 Boredom is unsettling for hyperstimulated teens, whereas the “chaos of constant connection is soothingly familiar.”10

  The answer here is that less is more. Alternate periods of connection and activity with periods of quiet time. When you’re waiting for a doctor’s appointment, or for your bus to arrive, do you immediately pick up a magazine or check your phone? What if you just sat there for a couple of minutes instead? When you’re driving, or walking or running for exercise, are you listening to Spotify or to a podcast? What if you listened to your own thoughts instead? What would you think about? We need to be more intentional about downtime now that stimulation is everywhere. Whereas hiking or camping was once a respite, soon there will be nowhere to go where you can’t be connected. We need to actively choose to not take our phones with us, or to turn them off.

  If there is one thing we hope you will do differently after reading this, it is let your kids do nothing. We parents are sometimes as much of the problem as the ubiquity of technology. One of the Ned’s most overachieving and stressed-out kids eloquently expressed what so many kids feel. “All I want is a couple of hours to myself. To do what I want, which is to do nothing. But if I have a free block of time, my parents swoop in to fill it. ‘Shouldn’t you be doing more test prep or studying something?’” We schedule them in activity after activity so that they can keep up with other kids and never be “wasting time.” But that free time to daydream is actually essential.

  Child psychologist Lyn Fry recommends that parents sit down with their kids at the outset of a summer break and have them make a list of all the things they’d like to do on their own during their free time. If they complain of boredom, they can refer to their list.11 They are the ones who have to figure out how to spend their time, without their parents filling it in for them. And they just may spend that time thinking about who they want to be. Learning to tolerate solitude—to be comfortable with yourself—is one of the most important skills one acquires in childhood.

  My son Matthew is what people used to call “dreamy.” When he was four or five, we were having breakfast together before school, and I looked up from the paper to see Matthew staring across his bowl of cereal into space.

  “What are you doing?” I asked.

  “I’m listening,” Matthew answered.

  “Oh, okay,” I said, a little confused as it was pretty quiet as far as I could tell. “Can you eat your cereal before it gets soggy?”

  “Sure,” Matthew said, but a minute or two later he was still staring into space.

  “What are you listening to?” I asked. I was worried about how long it was going to take him to finish his cereal.

  “Songs in my head,” he said.

  It occurred to me then, as it has again many times since, that in interrupting Matthew’s reveries, I was asserting that my grown-up agenda of packing him off to school was more important. But research now shows that Matthew’s daydreaming may be as important for cognitive development as any other thinking that kids do. And now when my friends wonder where Matthew’s musical ability comes from, I think about all the good that daydreaming did.

  —Ned

  A Meditative Mind

  At a recent workshop for mental health professionals, Bonnie Zucker, the author of two excellent books on childhood anxiety, gave a presentation on the treatment of anxiety. She asked the three hundred professionals in the audience if they meditated on a regular basis. A handful raised their hands. Dr. Zucker then said, “Meditation is so powerful that I ask all of you who don’t yet meditate to learn meditation—and then call me in a year to tell me how it’s changed your life.”<
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  We couldn’t agree more. Practicing meditation is increasingly important as changes in the world lead to higher levels of anger and fear, and as advances in technology quicken the pace of life, giving us little time to simply “be” with ourselves. Although kids and teens rarely beg their parents to find them a meditation teacher, research indicates that when children and adolescents establish a practice regularly, meditation benefits them in the same ways as it does adults. In this section, we’ll briefly discuss mindfulness and Transcendental Meditation, the two forms of meditation that are used most widely with children and teens, and explain why we recommend building meditation periods into your kids’ days.

  Mindfulness

  Jon Kabat-Zinn is the scientist whose mindfulness-based stress-reduction (MBSR) program has played the largest role in helping mindfulness gain popularity and scientific respectability. He defines mindfulness as “paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.” The basic mindfulness meditation practice involves focusing awareness on the breath and noticing thoughts as they arise. The goal is to focus on the moment-to-moment experience, without judging or reacting. You monitor the content of your thoughts and your reactions to them. Other mindfulness practices include scanning the body for areas of stress, and mindful eating and walking. Some mindfulness practices encourage the development of ethical values such as patience, trust, acceptance, kindness, compassion, and gratitude.

  Mindfulness comes in many forms. Psychotherapists use it to help kids learn to regulate their emotions, and schools are implementing programs like Goldie Hawn’s MindUP and Mindful Schools, which introduces mindfulness to students in low-income elementary schools in Oakland, California. Mindfulness in schools sometimes includes guided meditations, visualizations, affirmations, breathing exercises, mindful yoga, exercise set to music, and writing and visual art exercises for promoting positive self-expression. Because of the wide range of practices included under the mindfulness umbrella, mindfulness interventions have been used with students from preschool to college. The eminent neuroscientist Richard Davidson is currently studying the introduction of mindfulness practices to children as young as four.