The Self-Driven Child

by William Stixrud

  Research on the impact of mindfulness on children is still in the early stages, but studies have shown that in the school years these practices can lower levels of stress, aggression, and social anxiety, improve executive functions such as inhibition and working memory, and contribute to stronger performance in math.12 Studies on adults also show changes in brain activation and even in gene expression—the turning on and off of specific genes.13

  We recently spoke with Josh Aronson, a professor of applied psychology at New York University and acclaimed researcher whose work we’ve drawn on throughout this book. Aronson is currently conducting research using the mindfulness app Headspace with disadvantaged students in inner-city schools. He told us that after twenty days of practice, kids reported experiencing things they had never felt before. Some said they felt comfortable in their own bodies for the first time and have begun seeing beauty in nature. One boy reported that on his way to school, his typical thoughts would include things like, “Will I get held up or shot by a drug dealer or a cop who thinks I’m a troublemaker? Will I pass my classes, and will my friends be able to pass their classes so that they have a chance for a future?” After meditating for ten days, he said he noticed for the first time how beautiful everything looked on a sunny day. “Before meditation, I’d never looked up,” he said. Aronson argues for building meditation into the school day so that it becomes part of the social structure. If other kids are doing it, most kids will go along with it and most, once they get the hang of it, will benefit from it.

  Transcendental Meditation (TM)

  We both practice Transcendental Meditation. Meditators are given a mantra, which is a meaningless sound. When a practitioner silently repeats his mantra, the mind settles down and experiences quieter levels of awareness. Eventually, the mantra leads the meditator to the depth of the ocean of the mind, which is completely peaceful and silent. You get to a place of full alertness but with no thought. This is the “transcendental” part of Transcendental Meditation, as you transcend the process of thinking altogether. Although transcendence is the epitome of doing nothing, over forty years of research has found that this experience of deeply quieting the mind and body improves physical and mental health, as well as learning and academic performance.

  The physiological state that TM produces in children, teens, and adults is known as restful alertness. It is distinct from sleep or from simply resting with your eyes closed. A number of studies have found that the depth of physical relaxation one can reach during the practice of TM is, in several important respects (e.g., oxygen consumption, basal skin resistance), greater than that obtained during sleep.14 This deep rest allows the nervous system to recover from the negative effects of stress and fatigue. It also makes the stress response system more efficient, so that it responds sharply and adaptively to stressors but turns off quickly. With a more efficient stress response, young people are able to “let things go” and recover faster. Some studies have suggested they can do this as much as twice as fast, thereby increasing their stress tolerance and resilience, both of which are powerful predictors of academic, career, and life success. A marked increase in the coherence of brain wave activity accompanies the state of relaxed alertness. This in turn is associated with improved attention, memory, and abstract reasoning ability.15

  Alpha waves are relatively slow brain waves that are associated with relaxation. We can see someone’s brain waves when they’re hooked up to electrical sensors, as Bill was as part of his training in biofeedback at the University of Tennessee. The sensors were attached to Bill’s skull, and he was asked to close his eyes. Three or four seconds later, the doctor who was monitoring him said, “Holy moly.”

  Bill’s eyes popped open and he asked, “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” the doctor said. “The second you closed your eyes, you had this beautiful burst of alpha waves.” Bill told him he had been meditating for twenty-five years. The doctor said, “That’s obvious.” It provided validation that all those years of meditating actually led to a brain that functioned differently. Bill found this particularly affirming in light of the fact that he used to be one of those people whose very presence stressed people out.

  Many years of research on TM has shown that kids who meditate for as little as ten or fifteen minutes twice a day will experience a significant reduction in stress, anxiety, and depressive symptoms and express less anger and hostility.16 They sleep better, think more creatively, are healthier, have higher self-esteem, and do better in school and on tests of cognitive and academic skills. While TM involves no attempt to control the mind, it increases practitioners’ internal locus of control. It does this, in part, by allowing the brain to refresh itself, which enables it to keep things in perspective. It also reduces the extent to which we feel overwhelmed and allows our minds to work more efficiently, increasing the effectiveness with which we tackle challenging situations and our confidence that we can handle the big and little challenges life throws our way. The Quiet Time school program, in which students meditate for fifteen minutes twice a day, has made a profound impact on students in underserved urban schools, many of whose lives are filled with violence, fear, and trauma.17

  While we know that meditation benefits kids, we don’t believe in trying to force students to meditate. It is like trying to force a dog to drink—it just doesn’t work. It’s also antithetical to everything we’ve espoused in this book. In our experience, many older children, adolescents, and young adults will meditate on their own if they are taught to see meditation as a tool that can alleviate their physical or emotional pain and/or improve their school performance, or if it is part of the daily routine practiced by the whole family. Because of the enormous importance of peer approval to adolescents, teens are more likely to meditate regularly with the support and approval of other young people. We suggest that you talk to your children about meditation and invite them to learn. If they are interested, ask them to give meditation a good try (meditating every day, or twice a day, for three months). Talk to your kids directly about the benefits of meditation, or enlist a pediatrician or family friend who meditates to talk to them. Help teens think through how a meditation practice could be incorporated into their schedule, and gain their full buy-in before starting a meditation trial. You can also help them recognize the changes that result from meditation. This will help them take ownership of their meditation and encourage them to maintain a regular practice. Lest you fall into “do as I say, not as I do,” we suggest that you try out meditation first yourself and invite them to join you.

  But that’s about all you can do. When he was a teenager, Bill’s son asked if Bill was disappointed that he didn’t want to meditate. “I didn’t learn to meditate because my parents did,” Bill told him. “I learned because it appealed to me. If it doesn’t appeal to you, don’t do it.”

  When Bill first explored meditation, he was told that it would allow him to do less and accomplish more because a deeply rested brain can work so much more efficiently than a tired and stressed brain. He didn’t think meditation would be a waste of time exactly, but he didn’t think it would save time either. But he quickly learned that he could accomplish more even though he was taking twenty minutes twice a day to meditate. This is something he continues to experience forty-two years later. When he finishes with all his clients for the day, the last task he needs to complete is to organize and put away files and test materials. The process can take thirty minutes if he doesn’t meditate first, in part because he ends up making five or six trips to the storage area to put things away. If he meditates first, he generally makes only two trips to the storage area. The routine takes only ten minutes, and the increased clarity and efficiency continue into the evening. It isn’t magic. His focus is clearer, his thinking more efficient, and he makes fewer mistakes.

  Elizabeth, a nineteen-year-old college student, came to my office for testing after struggling academically in her first year of college. She re
ported a history of anxiety and depression that began following the traumatic death of her father two years earlier. She acknowledged that mild depression, frequent marijuana use, and difficulty sleeping contributed to her significant trouble “making herself” attend classes and study on a regular basis. In the course of our discussion, I suggested to Elizabeth that she consider TM as an alternative to marijuana, as meditation would likely help to quiet her mind, improve her sleep, and over time heal the emotional pain associated with her loss—without the negative effects of smoking pot.

  She agreed to try. She stopped smoking marijuana for fifteen days (a prerequisite for learning TM) and started to practice meditation regularly. She quickly noticed that she felt calmer inside and that she was able to sleep better. Within several weeks, she also noticed that she was feeling happier and had a strong desire to pursue her true passion—visual art. Her pot-smoking friends commented on the “natural high” Elizabeth seemed to get from meditation. As she began to feel better, she started taking community college courses to reestablish her academic record and volunteered as a teaching assistant at a local art school. She urged her mother to learn TM to help with her own grief and even considered becoming a TM teacher so that she could teach other young people to meditate. Elizabeth eventually decided to transfer to a major university with an excellent visual arts program, and she is currently pursuing her education and training with great energy and enthusiasm.

  —Bill

  What Parents Often Ask Us

  “My kid’s teacher says he daydreams all the time in school. How do I know he doesn’t have ADHD?”

  Kids with ADHD do engage in extensive daydreaming when they’re not interested in what’s being presented in class. If your child’s teacher says that your child daydreams more than the others and raises concerns about distractibility, disorganization, and trouble completing tasks, and/or about impulsivity or excessive physical restlessness, then contact your pediatrician about a possible evaluation for ADHD.

  “How can I tell if my child has anxiety? He’s a huge daydreamer, and I hear they are linked.”

  Those who daydream constantly and don’t have ADHD mostly do so for one of two reasons: either they’re unhappy with the world around them and prefer to spend most of their time in their own head, or they get stuck ruminating over something that happened or that they’re afraid will happen. Most kids who daydream excessively show other signs of anxiety, too. If you think your child daydreams a lot but you don’t see any other signs of anxiety (such as difficulty sleeping, physical restlessness, headaches, agitation, perfectionism, excessive concern about how she’s judged), then it’s likely not a cause for concern.

  “Which is better for kids, TM or mindfulness?”

  It’s hard to make a direct comparison. While TM is a highly standardized program, mindfulness incorporates many different practices that are taught in many different ways. Nonetheless, our general view is that there are great benefits to both. Mindfulness practices can give children and teens important tools for self-understanding and self-regulation that they can use on a daily basis. It can also help kids cultivate kindness and compassion, both of which are increasingly important as the stresses of life make empathy and altruism harder for young people to experience. As for TM, we believe that the profound state of restful alertness produced by TM is incredibly valuable, and that the twice-daily practice of TM can help lower levels of stress and anxiety, improve learning, and contribute to a positive school climate.

  Practically speaking, mindfulness offers some advantages. It can be learned at a relatively low cost and can be adapted even to very young children, which is why mindfulness practices can now be found in so many schools across the country. Also, it isn’t necessary for students to learn mindfulness practices from trained teachers.

  Transcendental Meditation is a standardized technique taught by highly trained teachers, which means it can be implemented with fidelity in virtually any school. It is usually more expensive to learn, however, and Quiet Time programs can be more challenging to implement, as TM can only be taught by a certified teacher. It is encouraging, though, that the David Lynch Foundation and other donors have raised money to enable thousands of students in underserved schools across the country to learn and practice TM.

  —

  While TM, mindfulness, and daydreaming are critically important to the developing brain, the pièce de résistance of radical downtime, the foundation on which so much of our lives depends, the activity we should spend a third of our lives engaged in, is sleep. Sleep is so important, it is the star of our next chapter.

  What to Do Tonight

  Look for opportunities during the day to let your mind wander. This could mean just sitting quietly for a few minutes looking out the window or at the clouds. It could also mean engaging in activities you can largely do “mindlessly” (e.g., mowing the lawn) that enable you to “be with yourself.”

  Talk as a family about the importance of going off-line and giving yourself truly free time. If they’re open to hearing it, tell your kids that it’s only when they aren’t focused on anything in particular that they can really think about themselves and other people. Also tell them that discoveries and insights will often come when you let your mind wander, and that they need downtime to solidify the things they’re learning in school.

  Ask your child, “Do you feel you have enough time to yourself, time when you’re not studying, doing sports, texting, or talking to other people? Do you have enough time just to chill?” If your child says no, help him to think through when he might find a few times in his day to sit quietly and let his mind wander. Think out loud with your kids about the challenge of building in enough time for yourself.

  The next time you’re driving with your child, instead of turning to technology, say, “Do you mind if we take a couple of minutes to just take in the scenery?”

  Consider learning to meditate yourself. The University of Massachusetts Medical School has a Center for Mindfulness with great resources (umassmed.edu/cfm), as does the University of California, San Diego (health.ucsd.edu/specialties/mindfulness/Pages/default.aspx), and the University of Wisconsin-Madison (centerhealthyminds.org). You can also visit the main TM Web site (tm.org). If you’re interested in TM, attend an introductory lecture at your nearest center, and see if your middle- or high-school-age child would be willing to come along. Let your kids know about the dozens of celebrities who practice and endorse TM, including those who are popular with teenagers (currently Katy Perry, Kesha, Margaret Cho, and Hugh Jackman) to pique their interest.

  If you’re interested in mindfulness, you could try a mindfulness app with your child, such as Headspace or Mind Yeti, which can be particularly useful at times of stress. For younger kids, check out Lauren Alderfer’s book Mindful Monkey, Happy Panda and Eline Snel’s book and CD combo Sitting Still Like a Frog.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Sleep

  The Most Radical Downtime

  IN THE EARLY YEARS of the twentieth century, adults in America slept nine hours a night or more. The spread of electricity and technology changed everything. Now we sleep on average two hours less. Sleep experts say that if you’re tired during the day or need caffeine to keep you going, you’re not getting enough sleep. And if you need an alarm clock to wake you up, you also need more sleep. By those measures, many of us are seriously sleep deprived.

  Most of the teenagers we see tell us they feel tired during a significant portion of the school day. In fact, a study of sleep patterns in adolescents concluded that more than 50 percent of teens fifteen and older sleep less than seven hours a night, and that 85 percent get less than the eight to ten hours that is generally recommended for adolescents. Ages fourteen to fifteen appear to be a major turning point at which students start to become significantly sleep deprived.1 In the 1990s and early 2000s—before smartphones exacerbated the problem of sleep deprivation—the dea
n of pediatric sleep researchers, Mary Carskadon, found that half of the teenagers she studied, who averaged seven hours of sleep a night, were so tired in the morning that their EEGs looked like those of people with narcolepsy.2 The problem is most acute with teens, but many of the kindergarten and elementary children Bill tests yawn all morning and say they’re used to feeling tired “all the time.”

  “Children learn from kindergarten on about the food pyramid,” said Dr. Carskadon. “But no one is teaching them the life pyramid that has sleep at the base.”3 Everything in nature rests. All animals and insects sleep, even fruit flies. If you give a fruit fly caffeine, it will hop around frantically for a few hours, but it will eventually crash and “sleep in” to make up for the lost sleep. Lab rats will die as quickly if you prevent them from sleeping as if you don’t feed them.4 Sleep optimizes the functioning of the brain and the body. Without sleep, a vicious cycle takes place. Because your sense of control is weakened by a lack of sleep, the more tired you are, the harder it is to get yourself to go to bed, and the more tempting it is to just stay where you are and watch one more episode of Homeland. Your ability to inhibit your YouTube binge-watching habit or to stop yourself from checking your phone evaporates. You’re also much more likely to eat an entire pint of ice cream at 11:00 P.M., when you’re tired, than at 9:00 A.M., when you’re fresh. Our bad habits are exacerbated by insufficient sleep. It would seem on the surface to be easy enough to address, but the cycle of sleep deprivation is actually hard to break because if you’re tired you’ll be more anxious, and if you’re more anxious it will be harder to sleep. This is a big problem, because sleep is arguably the single most important thing for healthy brain development.