The Self-Driven Child
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sleep deprivation and, 156
stress and, 8, 21–22, 23
susceptibility of children to, 83–84
trickle-down anxiety, 83–91
applied behavior analysis (ABA), 258–59
AP tests, 268
Aronson, Josh, 143–44, 274–75
Arum, Richard, 290–91
ASD. See autism spectrum disorder (ASD)
attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). See ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder)
Atmore, Kathleen, 261
authoritative parenting, 35–36
autism spectrum disorder (ASD), 256–61
affinities therapies and, 260
amygdala functioning abnormalities and, 256–57
applied behavior analysis (ABA) and, 258–59
autonomy and, 241–43
cerebellum functioning and, 239
default mode network and, 139
flow and, 259–60
insomnia and, 161
meditation and, 257–58
mirror neuron functioning and, 86
novelty and unpredictability, strategies for reducing, 257
parental stress and focus on being nonanxious presence, 261–62
parental to do list, 262–64
stress reducing strategies, 257–58
structure and organizational support for, 241
autocratic parenting, 35
autonomy, 2, 109–10
Bavelier, Daphne, 197–98
BDNF (brain-derived neurotrophic factor), 237–38
Beard, George, 200–201, 209
behavior of parents, as influence on child’s anxiety, 89–91
Bennett, Sara, 184
big-fish-little-pond theory, 131
bigger-picture questions exercise, 275–76
Bilton, Nick, 196
Binet, Alfred, 266
Binet-Simon Scale, 266
binge drinking
college culture and, 288–89
decision making by children and, 73–74
biodiversity, 307
blue light, 168
boredom, 139–40
brain development, 36–41
choosing not to fight with child, 40
competency, stages of, 37–38
decision making and, 59
home as safe base for children, fostering, 39–40
play and, 239
responsibility and, 36–37
stress in utero and first year of life, effect of, 85
support and guidance, offering, 38–39
brain science, 15–21
executive control system, 16
motivational system, 18–19
physical exercise, effects of, 237–38
resting state, 19–20
secondhand stress, science of, 85–87
stress response system, 16–18
technology use and, 198–200
understanding what brain is telling you, 227–30
Brin, Sergey, 306
Bronson, Po, 234
Brown, Lexie, 219
Buddha (resting state), 19–20
Burke, Edmund, 268
caffeinated beverages, 166–67
calendar tool, 67
calmness, 91–95
Campbell, James, 101–2
carrot and stick motivation, 107–9
Carskadon, Mary, 152, 153
Carson, Rachel, 206
Carter, Ben, 205
Case Against Homework, The (Bennett and Kalish), 184
Casey, B. J., 23
catastrophizing, 237
Center for Interim Programs, 299
cerebellum, 239
Cheerleader (motivational system), 18–19
choosing not to fight with child, 40
chronic stress. See toxic stress
Clockwork Orange, A (film), 34
cognitive behavioral therapy, 236, 237
collaborative problem solving, 58
college admissions process, 25
college choice, effect on success of, 130–131
college/college life, 285–302
academic support, willingness of child to ask for and use, 297
alternate routes to success, 305–6
binge drinking culture and, 288–89
burned-out child, adequacy of coping mechanisms of, 296–97
categories of students who benefit from gap year, 299–300
entitlement view of, 291–93
financial commitment of, 292–93
food-related issues in, 289
gap year, taking, 298–301
independent day-to-day living skills of child, 296
mental health crisis and, 290
parental to do list, 302
parent as stakeholder, 301–2
prove they are ready for, asking child to, 301–2
readiness for, determining, 293–98
responsibility for own life, determining whether child accepts, 293–94
self-motivation of child for, 295–96
self-regulation by child, adequacy of, 294–95
self-understanding of child, adequacy of, 294
sleep deprivation in, 286–88
social competence of child, adequacy of, 297–98
stimulant abuse and, 289
stress management and relief strategies of child, adequacy of, 296
stressors child experiences in college, 286–90
unstructured time in, 288
Common Core tests, 191
Common Sense Media, 221
competency, 37–38
consciously competent stage, 38
consciously incompetent stage, 38
in decision making, 61–62
motivation and, 110
unconsciously competent stage, 38
unconsciously incompetent stage, 37–38
CONCERTA, 252
concussions, 8
consultant model of parenting, 28–52
adjustment and development period for child and parent in, 41–42
brain development and, 36–41
business consultant philosophy and, 30
challenges of, 41–50
child’s responsibility, recognizing, 30–31
choosing not to fight with child, 40
coaches role and goals, distinguished, 48
competency, stages of, 37–38
consulting hours, setting and maintaining, 47–48
doing well in school, importance of, 49
failure, learning from, 48
goals of, 50–51
high school homework, allowing child to be in control of, 47
home as safe base for children, fostering, 39–40
homework and, 31–36
laissez-faire parenting distinguished, 42
mistakes, learning from, 49–50
music training and, 42–44
parental to do list, 51–52
protecting child, parental instinct of, 28–31
responsibility and, 36–37
sports and, 44–45
support and guidance, offering, 38–39, 42
teacher pressuring for more parental involvement and, 45–47
tracking and managing homework, extent of, 49
Contrera, Jessica, 204
control, 1–5
alternate routes to success and, 303–20
anxiety and depression resulting from lack of, 2
autonomy and, 2
brain systems involved in developing, 15–21
college/college life, readiness for, 285–302
; consultant model of parenting and, 28–52
decision making by children and, 53–80
exercising brain and body and, 222–40
false assumptions underlying parental goals and, 3–4
hard work and, 25
motivation and, 2, 106–34
nonanxious parenting and, 81–105
radical downtime and, 135–171
at school, 172–93
special needs and learning disabilities, children with, 241–64
stress and, 2, 8–12, 25
testing and, 189–91, 265–84
cortex, 157
cortisol
multitasking and, 217
sleep deprivation and, 154–55
stress and, 17
Covey, Stephen, 75, 223
Cox, Adam, 139
CPAP, 156
Crawford, Matthew B., 319
Culture of Fear, The (Glasser), 82
Dale, Stacy Berg, 130
dandelion children, 83
dangerous world assumption, 4
David and Goliath (Gladwell), 131
David Lynch Foundation, 150
Davidson, Richard, 143
daydreaming, 136–41
ADHD and, 148
boredom and, 139–40
default mode network and, 136–39
excessive, 148–49
insight and, 138–39
setting time aside for, 140
solitude, learning to tolerate, 140–41
Daydreaming (Singer), 138
Deci, Edward, 109–10, 174
decision making by children, 53–80
ADHD or other disabilities, children with, 78
age-specific guidance and support for, 66–72
bad decisions by child, effects of, 74–75
binge drinking and, 73–74
brain development and, 59
capabilities of children, 63–65
children who don’t want to go anywhere or do anything, dealing with, 75–76
children who hate making decisions, dealing with, 77
children who won’t listen to pros and cons, dealing with, 77
collaborative problem solving and, 58
competency in, granting children control as means of developing, 61–62
emotional intelligence and, 65–66
examples of children not ready to make decisions, 58–59
frequently asked questions, 72–79
helicopter parenting, consequences of, 60–61
informed decision making, 55–56, 65
“It’s your call,” 56–59, 66–72
limit setting and, 56–57
misbehavior, discipline for, 74
negotiating with children, 79
parental to do list, 79–80
parents don’t always know what is best, 62–63
precepts for parents to adopt and, 54
religious values and faith, modeling, 76
sports, participation in, 76–77
deep resting. See radical downtime
default mode network, 19–20, 136–39
brain health and, 137
efficiency of, and processing of life events, 139
insight and, 138–39
personal reflection and, 137–38
sense of self, development of, 137
stress and, 23–24
depression, 2
default mode network and, 139
motivation and, 117
stress and, 8, 22
Diamond, Adele, 223, 238
Diamond, Marion, 114
diet
college life and, 289
saboteurs, motivation of, 121
The Dirty Life: A Memoir of Farming, Food and Love (Kimball), 319
disaster preparedness planning, 273
diversity, 307–8
Dodson, John, 177
dopamine
ADHD and, 249–50
flow and, 18–19
gender differences in processing of, 116–17
motivation and, 19, 111–13, 116–17, 249–50
physical exercise and, 237
stress, effects of, 16, 22
technology use and, 201, 218
video games and, 198
Dopamine Wars, 117
downtime. See radical downtime
drinking
college culture and, 288–89
decision making by children and, 73–74
Dumas, Diane, 64–65
Durand, V. Mark, 264
Dweck, Carol, 108–9, 110, 192
eating disorders, 289
Educational Records Bureau (ERB) tests, 191
Eeyores, motivation of, 126–29
combination approach to, 128–29
nagging, resist, 128
natural talents, helping child pay attention to their, 126–27
self-awareness, emphasizing importance of, 126
Einstein, Albert, 139, 307
Ekman, Paul, 86
elementary schoolers
amount of sleep needed, 160
decision making by, parental support and guidance for, 68–69
homework, amount of, 181
The Element: How Finding Your Passion Changes Everything (Robinson), 123, 319
Emery, Gary, 101–2
emotional control, and sleep deprivation, 155
empathy
default mode network and, 137
mirror neurons and, 85–86
technology use and, 206
Engman, Katherine, 300
Ensellem, Helene, 163–64, 171
Entertainment Software Rating Board, 220–21
enthusiasts, motivation of, 122–26
nonacademic interests, supporting, 123–25
passion and skill, looking for intersection of, 123
providing child with accurate model of reality, 125
working hard at something child enjoys, positive effects of, 123
epigenetics, 84
Epstein, Robert, 64–65
Erhard, Werner, 101
executive control system, 16
exercising brain and body, 222–40
ADHD and, 253
brain function and science, understanding, 227–30
goal setting, 223–26
parental to do list, 240
physical exercise, 237–39
Plan B thinking, practicing, 230–33
reframing problems, 234–37
self-talk, compassion in, 233–34
external motivators, 107–9
Facebook, 203
fairtest.org, 268, 283
false assumptions underlying parenting goals, 3–4
Ferber, Richard, 171
fighting with child, choosing to avoid, 40
fixed mindset, 108
floater category of students, and benefits of taking gap year, 301
flow, 18–19
autism and, 259–60
motivation and, 113–15
video games and, 198
FOMO (fear of missing out), 202
forest bathing (shinrin-yoku), 209–10
free choice time, for preschoolers, 67
Friedman, Edwin, 93
Fry, Lyn, 140
gap year between high school and college, 298–301
Gardner, Howard, 307
Gates, Bill, 306
Gentile, Douglas, 218
Gladwell, Malcolm, 86, 131
Glasser, Barry, 82
goal setting, 223–26
mental contrasting, 224–25
moti
vating saboteurs and, 120
personal best goals, setting, 225–26
visualizing goals, 223–24
written goals, 120, 223
Gottlieb, Lori, 60
Gould, Jay, 266
grades, and sleep, 157–58
Greene, Ross, 58, 253
Green Mile, The (film), 91
Groening, Matt, 123
Grosswald, Sarina, 253
growth mindset, 108–9
“Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation” (Twenge), 202
Hawn, Goldie, 143
Headspace app, 143, 151
helicopter parenting, 60–61
Hermione Grangers, motivation of, 129–33
big-fish-little-pond theory and, 131
college choice does not make large difference in later success, explaining that, 130–131
factors relevant to well-being and, 130–131
poor grade, relevance of, 131–32
pressure from parents, stopping, 129–30
value-based goals, thinking about and setting, 132
high schoolers. See adolescents/teenagers
Hillbilly Elegy (Vance), 299
hippocampus, 17–18, 157
Hofmann, Janell Burley, 211
home as safe base. See safe base, home as
homework, 31–36
amount of, 181–82
authoritative parenting and, 35–36
for children with learning disabilities, 246
control at school and, 181–84
realizing you can’t make child do things and, 33–35
reasons why fighting about homework doesn’t work, 32–33
Serenity Prayer coda for, 33
How to Raise an Adult (Lythcott-Haims), 129
Huffington Post, 211
hyperrationality, 71
hypothalamus, 17
iKeepSafe.org, 221
Immordino-Yang, Mary Helen, 138
informed decision making, 55–56, 65
inner drive. See motivation
Inside Out (film), 65
insight, 138–39
insomnia, 160, 161
Instagram, 203–4
integrated regulation, 111
intermittent reinforcement, 201
iParent101.com, 220
Irresistible: The Rise of Addictive Technology and the Business of Keeping Us Hooked (Alter), 195
It’s a Wonderful Life (film), 63
“It’s your call.” See also decision making by children
age-specific examples of guidance and support for, 66–72
scope of, 56–59
technology use, applicability to, 207–8
Jobs, Steve, 196, 306
Journal of American Medical Association, 205
Jukes, Ian, 199
Kabat-Zinn, Jon, 142
Kadison, Richard, 290
Kalish, Nancy, 184
Katie, Byron, 104
Keillor, Garrison, 305
Khan Academy, 176